LikeWater Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 Somewhere along the way I guess I missed the point. To repeating this over and over. Waking up. Shoving dead things into my face to keep myself alive. This fake and forced interaction with others. Pretending that we're friendly. And working myself to exhaustion in order to keep doing... this? Why? At least, that's how I feel at the moment. I guess I've come to understand that I don't feel this way when I'm close to someone. More specifically, when I feel needed by someone. When they want to spend significant amounts of time and effort on me and along with me. When we've bought tickets to the same ride. I suppose I could label that and call it a problem, and perhaps it is, but I'd wager that my relationship with solitude and how it's changed throughout the years would eat away at most people. Indeed, I am selfish and inward focused, and ironically it seems these traits do me more harm than good, but they go straight out the window as soon as I become fascinated with another. All that energy is then directed at them, right? And perhaps that is why whenever someone like this exits my life I feel so drained. Maybe there is something fundamentally wrong with needing a muse, but it seems to be the way I am and there doesn't seem to be much changing it. It's just unfortunate how uncommon it is to find that mutual connection. It's rare for me, and I keep screwing up and losing them. I do seem to have a habit of pushing people away and I don't even notice I'm doing that until they're pushed too far. This is something that must be worked out, for sure. But I also must keep reminding myself to trust my instincts. I have definitely noticed that when my gut feeling and my desire of what could be clash, my instincts were right 9/10 times. There are things I need to change but there are also things about me and within me that I must learn to trust. And that I've grown to like. Link to comment
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