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It's ramblin' time.


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Somewhere along the way I guess I missed the point. To repeating this over and over. Waking up. Shoving dead things into my face to keep myself alive. This fake and forced interaction with others. Pretending that we're friendly. And working myself to exhaustion in order to keep doing... this? Why?

 

At least, that's how I feel at the moment. I guess I've come to understand that I don't feel this way when I'm close to someone. More specifically, when I feel needed by someone. When they want to spend significant amounts of time and effort on me and along with me. When we've bought tickets to the same ride. I suppose I could label that and call it a problem, and perhaps it is, but I'd wager that my relationship with solitude and how it's changed throughout the years would eat away at most people. Indeed, I am selfish and inward focused, and ironically it seems these traits do me more harm than good, but they go straight out the window as soon as I become fascinated with another. All that energy is then directed at them, right? And perhaps that is why whenever someone like this exits my life I feel so drained.

 

Maybe there is something fundamentally wrong with needing a muse, but it seems to be the way I am and there doesn't seem to be much changing it. It's just unfortunate how uncommon it is to find that mutual connection. It's rare for me, and I keep screwing up and losing them. I do seem to have a habit of pushing people away and I don't even notice I'm doing that until they're pushed too far. This is something that must be worked out, for sure. But I also must keep reminding myself to trust my instincts. I have definitely noticed that when my gut feeling and my desire of what could be clash, my instincts were right 9/10 times.

 

There are things I need to change but there are also things about me and within me that I must learn to trust. And that I've grown to like.

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I knew you had no place for me in your future. I just wanted to believe I was wrong. That's the problem I keep running into - what I know vs what I want.

 

I'm not sure how much of it was some kinda self-fulfilling prophecy as I definitely messed up at times, but so did you. People screw up. It's not a reason to hate them forever. But I believe this to be more of a case of me not being as useful to you as I once was, and you bailing as soon as I wasn't. Not that it really matters...

 

Perhaps there were just too many obstacles between us and one of us decided to stop ignoring them, and that's all.

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I really envy those who live in the moment. Not sporadically like most of us, but consistently. One of my old friends was like that and he seemed pretty happy and lighthearted, and was full of positive energy. I can say for sure that I miss that guy. I heard a... i don't know what to call it. A proverb? A theory? It said that when you're depressed it's because you're living in the past, and you're anxious when living in the future.

 

I'm not sure how accurate or plausible it is for everyone, but it's still a profound notion.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I've been wondering what to jot down in here for a bit. I have a lot to say but often not much of a desire to go through the effort of getting it out and onto here. I created a new journal because I feel like I'm not the same as the person who created my original one. But I honestly still have a lot of those same traits. The same curiosities, the same insecurities, the same overactive mind... and I still have so many questions with answers that lie buried deep beneath my skin into places I probably won't reach for quite some time. If ever.

 

I often wonder why I am even here. Why am I on this website? Why am I in this section? What the hell do I have to write and do I really have anything to say? With purpose and meaning?

 

And who am I doing it for? Am I writing for myself? Am I hoping there's at least one lost person out there who can get some comfort and understanding from what they're reading? Am I writing for attention? Hell, maybe I'm writing for no reason at all. I think that sometimes it's one of those things, sometimes all of those things, and sometimes none of those things. Sometimes your guess is as good as mine, I just feel the need to write something. Write anything.

 

There's a lot going on with me and most of it I don't share. I'll never be 100% open anywhere I go, online or not. Anonymous or not. Everybody has a story within them that they don't like to share. That they keep so hidden within them that they've convinced themselves it never even happened. I'm doing okay but I'm struggling at the same time. I'm still emotional and empathetic to the point of it being too much. I can be way too much for people, which then leads me to being nothing to them.

 

As far as my situation right now, and why I bothered to create a new journal, most of it I've resolved already. I'm still working through some of it but I know the answers because I've seen this particular test before. Been through a worse version of it.

 

I've got an addict brother, a disappointed father, a worried mother, and a lost sense of self. There's a lot going on but you'll never know my full story. And that's the way it is for everyone. There is so much going on within every single individual that you come across. You can see how much weight is on some of them if you actually bother to look. And if I have a point at all to any of this, I guess it's just to do my best to keep that in mind as I keep navigating and figuring all this out. This brutally hard test of being a human.

 

I'm doing my best.

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When I strip away the raw feelings that I had for her and the ones that linger still, and just look at what I actually liked and miss about her, there's honestly not much there. Which is why I don't understand (and why I'm so annoyed by) this continuing, nagging hope of her reaching out to me. About what? I don't know. I don't have anything I want to say or hear.

 

It has to be some stupid ego thing. Like I just want to know she felt the need to do so or something. I've been a good boy since the beginning of this and went NC immediately. I haven't broken it once and it hasn't been too difficult. I really don't have the slightest desire to even try to repair what used to be there. It's gone. I fundamentally don't like her anymore.

 

But still, this pestering hope for something so petty. It's so dumb.

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  • 1 month later...

Sometimes you just need some of them good old vibes to brighten up a dark day. And though the message of the song resonates all the more with each year that goes by, it still brings me comfort somehow, because time is everything, and as long as I have more of it, I am blessed.

 

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My dog died yesterday. I think I'm still processing it and it almost seems like it didn't even happen. It's a kind of numbness that I'm not sure how to feel about. I feel guilty for a couple reasons and one is that I feel like I should be sadder, but honestly the primary feeling is a kind of relief. I had her since I was 12, 18 years together, and I'm just so thankful for that time. Hence the content of my previous entry.

 

The other reason I feel guilty is that I made the decision to have her put to sleep. One of the most difficult decisions I've ever made and her looking back at me as she was placed on the table just broke my heart so much. But I am confidant I made the right choice, the more humane and less selfish choice of deciding she had been through enough. She was pretty miserable, mostly blind and deaf, and she had cancer which I believe had started sending her into these heart wrenching, seizure like fits where she'd wet herself and it was obvious that even if she could go on another year, it would be filled with scares and misery. The vet had already bought me years of extra time with her through a surgery that he didn't even think she would make it through. She was back on her feet and ready to be taken home in half the time that he predicted when she did survive. She was one hell of a strong dog that clearly wanted to live, and I guess that's another reason the guilt is there.

 

But primarily, I'm just so glad her pain and fear and difficulties are over and she can rest now. She has been given some much deserved peace.

 

I'll love and keep her in my heart until the day, I too, am laid to rest.

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Oh no, so sorry! 18 years is remarkable for a dog!

 

While it is hard to say goodbye, it can be comforting to know they are not suffering any more. I had a cat who had cancer and strokes. You know it is time to help them over the Rainbow bridge when they are suffering so.

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I appreciate your sympathies, Luminous. It was absolutely the right choice but it's still a rough thing to be the decider of the day your long-time companion will die.

 

The house feels a lot emptier but I'm sure she's better off now, whether that's eternal rest or a different existence.

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I'm so sorry to hear this.

I'm sending some loving energy your way, and for your pup.

It's true you will carry the love forever. It sounds like she had a great life, one with someone who loved her through it all.

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Thank you so much for the endearing words, IAG. They mean a lot.

 

What landed me on her when choosing from the litter is that she immediately showed she was special. Some of the pups were timid. Bashful. Some were sweet and friendly. But mine came out of the dog house, no bigger than a guinea pig, and growled at me. She was clearly an alpha and she captured my heart right then. I immedately crouched, gently picked her up and nuzzled her against my neck, and the bond was made right there, and it remained for all this time. I was lucky to have her and I'll always cherish that.

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I would rather use the word bada** than alpha but, you know, censoring because there are still people who think using asterisks to cover a couple letters means that somehow the word is no longer recognizable and that they aren't still hearing that exact word in their head. The concept of bad words... it's a bad joke that it's still a thing.

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For sure. Sometimes things just click, and there's no explaining it or even a reason to try to do so. But I've always had a connection with animals. Can't tell you how many times I surprised people, convinced their pets were wary of everyone, only to friendly up to me immediately. Maybe I just have the right vibe; I give off a certain energy. Maybe it's because pets were a part of my life since I could crawl. Who knows, but I don't even like to hurt bugs. I think I just understand them and in a sense, they understand me.

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For whatever reason, the older I get the more I genuinely think reincarnation is a real possibility. Part of it is because I'm also pretty open to the theory that our reality is a simulation, but where to even begin with defining reality in the first place? I had a dream last night that was so vivid, clear and lucid that I can't even describe how much I was convinced what I was experiencing was real, (and who's to say it wasn't?) where I came to a full epiphany that I've lived this life before. It was like deja vu on crack. And some mystical, mysterious woman, an angel of sorts, said, "Ah, so you've finally realized the truth? Now you're in control."

 

What do I even make of that? The thought that I've lived this life countless times and can't ever seem to get it right is disturbing, but damn, do I ever wish there was a reset button. Maybe there is...

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  • 4 weeks later...

What a weird month it's been. My great uncle passed away. No need for sympathies, he may as well have been a stranger to me, but of course it greatly affected other members of my family. So I went to the funeral and funerals have always been so weird to me. To be fair I had no connection to the man other than being a relative, but even with others I've deeply cared for I feel like an emotionless husk in that environment. All around me are the sounds of sobbing and constant sniffling and I couldn't feel more out of place, but at the same time oddly comfortable. Not bothered.

 

Songs are sang and a man is paid to preach to us about the wonderful legacy of a man he knew less about than even I did. How he was loved, how he'll be remembered, and of course, the absolute certainty of where he is going after his death. The shell of who he was is in a box that is eventually opened so we can all go and take a moment to gaze at his unoccupied body. I, on the other hand, spent most of this experience unable to keep my gaze off of this absolutely stunningly gorgeous black young lady. I was captivated.

 

The funeral ends and we congregate at a family member's home to spend time with those we haven't seen for too long. Drinks are had and mingling is done, but I made it my mission to get to know this lovely girl, who we'll just call C. And she's great. She was so sweet and inviting of my company and she too felt very out of place and kinda disconnected from the tragic circumstances.

 

And now things are definitely going somewhere between the two of us, The first half of this month was so awful for me, was sliding back into depression and isolation. I didn't want to be alive. Everything felt insurmountable and overwhelming. It has felt for a while like all attempts to spend time with others has been futile and I really did feel like maybe it was just better that I keep to myself as and let myself slowly deteriorate. However, through the death of another, I've really been feeling alive. It sounds messed up, right? But it's what happened.

 

I'm tempering my expectations drastically. I absolutely must use extreme caution in who and to what degree I allow myself to feel attached. I am enjoying C's company SO much though, and let's just see where it goes.

 

And as if that hasn't been wonderful enough, my favorite band (by immeasurable margins) released their first new studio track in 13 years earlier this week. I was so worried that I would be disappointed but I absolutely love it and the positive message it extends.

 

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For a month that started so terribly, it's shaping up to be the month of the year. I'm vibing hard with a new person in my life. She is smoking hot, chill, down to earth, funny... she's simply amazing.

 

Tool is releasing their long awaited album on the 30th. Great games are being released. And I just found out Dave Chappelle, the GOAT comedian, is releasing his new Netflix special in a week.

 

I am feeling so damn good right now.

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  • 4 weeks later...

It's always amazing to me how incredible we are at acclimating to change. Change is scary; most of us fear it, because the variables are unknown. But once we're in it we adapt so well, to the point we forget what came before.

 

I was not in a happy place just a month ago. Doom and gloom and void of confidence. Hopeless. And out of nowhere, in the most unexpected of places, I've found my happiness again. I forgot what it felt like to be truly alive, but here I am now. And as I was saying, acclimation comes so easily and it's a bit worrying... how easy it is to forget the suffering I endured such a short time ago. And I'm so afraid of going back to that place, of growing complacent. Unappreciative. And generally effing up a really wonderful thing. And I fear most of all that these demons will accumulate into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

Despite these thoughts deep in the recesses of my mind, I'm doing my utmost best to just go with the flow (to encapsulate my SN here), and to trust in who she is and her genuinity. To have faith and push this BS hauntings of a past that has nothing to do with her out. To eradicate that which holds me back.

 

It's official, though. I have a girlfriend and she's more lovely than words could justify. I am so appreciative of it all.

 

Edit: I'm slowly getting her into Tool as well, and I love seeing her appreciation at the pure musicianship of parts of songs. The Pot is her fav so far.

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I'm very happy for you! Enjoy all the good to the max.

 

I know exactly what you mean about how crazy adaptable we humans can be. There were times in my life, I struggled so much and it was hard sometimes to imagine anything beyond that current situation. Then something changes again, and you can start to forget so easily. Must be what happens when women give birth, have complications, then do it all again lol.

 

I just try to be grateful every day for where I am and what I have now. It does bring a depth to things, having been through some s/t. I think you understand.

 

Enjoy the good times, there's lots more ahead for you friend. You are strong, stronger than you even know :)

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Aw, IAG... that really touched my heart. Thank you so much for the kindness and for believing in me. I'm trying my best to embrace the idea that I actually do deserve to be happy. I'm coming to terms with it and messages like this are beyond appreciated. Thanks so much for stopping in, my friend.

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I think a quiet confidence is the most alluring. You're like a beautiful, bright star that's willing to dim itself on a clear night of the full moon. Because it's not all about you and you can give away the spotlight while knowing some eyes are still on you, oblivious to what should be obvious.

 

You're a body of still water that's well aware it can take on another form if it needs to, but mostly you're fine with the calm, letting the ripples reach out and tell your story. It's all in the still ease of it.

 

It's mesmerizing and for me, you are the rain after a drought.

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  • 2 weeks later...

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