Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Hi all. I asked my boyfriend of 17 months if he only wants me or is he wanting other women and not acting because I wouldn't be into it.

 

His past three (short) relationships have been open relationships you see and ours is not. He has told me that during our relationship, twice he has found other women attractive and wondered, while talking to them what it would be like to kiss them and maybe more. I have a problem with this as I only want him, and simply wouldn't go down that thought road at this satge.

He reckons that he is just being super honest. Really? Do most men have those thoughts and desires even if they don't act on them and then lie to their girlfriends when they say "I only want you"??

 

I trust he is a good enough man not to actually pursue the experience, but that he has the desire and doesn't just turn it off before he even starts thinking about kissing or having sex with them is not at all cool to me.

 

I want someone who really wants only me...am I being naive?

 

We are so good on every other front, but this is real deal breaker for me.

Link to post
Share on other sites

He's not being super honest to be honest- he's sharing this information to let you know that he's not on the same page as you.

 

People in committed relationships aren't blind -they might notice an attractive person - and they might have a harmless crush - but they wouldn't tell their partner to be "super honest" -they would tell their partner to flag the fact that someday they might act on it or get darn close. Or, just to hurt the person/make the person jealous. But no it's not because he's being "honest."

 

Fantasy is healthy and realistic. Acting on it is often cheating. Telling your partner about fantasizing about another person is tacky and thoughtless unless it's followed by "so let's break up".

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm curious about the context in which this came up. Like: Did you ask him how his day was, and did he tell you, "Pretty good! Ran some errands and talked to this one woman who I found really attractive and would have liked to kiss." Or, knowing about his past relationships, has this become something that you ask him about on occasion?

 

I guess my thinking is: Yes, it's totally normal to find other people attractive, to imagine kissing them and "more" even while you're in a relationship. I think just about everyone on planet Earth does this, to varying degrees.

 

That he's been in open relationships probably means he's pretty comfortable with this fact, not particularly threatened by it. Still, if he's making a point of bringing it up, letting you know—well, that's not super cool. It's clumsy, tactless.

 

But if it's information you're pressing him for? Well, that's different.

Link to post
Share on other sites

My husband's answer to your question about guys looking at other women is - I'm not dead yet!

 

I dont feel threatened in any way by him saying this, he's a male with a heartbeat, if you think guys dont look at other women you are naive. I look at guys, doesnt mean I am going after them.

 

You shouldn't ask questions like that if you arent prepared for any type of answer.

Link to post
Share on other sites

If his past three relationships were open and this is not an open relationship, may I ask why he's agreed to date you? Did you both ever talk about the nature of your relationship or dealbreakers, as you say?

 

He may have assumed that you may be comfortable eventually with an open relationship. I'd speak with him about it and be comfortable expressing yourself. Don't be afraid to part ways. Life is far too short to live an unhappy life.

Link to post
Share on other sites

My thoughts align with Rose. Why did you start dating someone who has lived the poly lifestyle in the past when you only desire monogamy? You likely won't be able to change his preference in the long-run and it equals a lot of pain for you. Consider that the two of you are simply value incompatible.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, you did ask, OP. I suspect you already knew the answer to your questions, but you were seeking reassurance.

 

And unfortunately, that's not what you got. You knew he's always dated other women so I imagine you don't feel very secure in your relationship - hence the question you posed to him.

 

He was honest. And yes, men (and women) sometimes do look at other attractive people. Sexual thoughts might cross their mind. It doesn't mean they do not love you, but you are likely to going have trouble with this in the future given that you now know he is still curious and he's not going to pretend to you that he isn't. This doesn't seem like a match in the long run, considering how incompatible your relationship styles are.

Link to post
Share on other sites

First he just said it out of the blue, my asking for a straight up answer of what page are ya on mate came secondly. Your perfectly correct that I don't feel secure as I do believe that he finds it a pity...which yeah, ultimately means that were not compatible

Link to post
Share on other sites

It came out of the blue, as he had been struggling with it for a wee while after a woman had flirted with him. He said he had no intention of doing anything, that he wanted to, but knowing where I stand, that he wouldn't do that. I later pushed for an ultimate answer wishing to know what page were both one.

I agree that to find others attractive is normal, its the wanting to do something about it that I struggle with. Im fine with the looking, not fine with the wanting to to but stopping himself...that means that we're both being short changed.

Link to post
Share on other sites
It came out of the blue, as he had been struggling with it for a wee while after a woman had flirted with him. He said he had no intention of doing anything, that he wanted to, but knowing where I stand, that he wouldn't do that. I later pushed for an ultimate answer wishing to know what page were both one.

I agree that to find others attractive is normal, its the wanting to do something about it that I struggle with. Im fine with the looking, not fine with the wanting to to but stopping himself...that means that we're both being short changed.

 

I think it's normal to fantasize. He chose his commitment to you over the temptation. The marriage vows say nothing about promising not to feel tempted. They simply say we promise not to act on the temptation. In fact the vows are there to acknowledge temptation. You're not married just giving an example.

 

I think he overshared about his "struggle" and I also think he prefers a poly lifestyle. And you do not.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Unfortunately, you are incompatible. It's not about anyone finding other people attractive. It's not about being honest. It's about you feel worried, suspicious and fraught with doubt the whole time and he will feel constrained and possibly pursue an "open relationship" with or without your knowledge at some point. He does not seem as interested in an exclusive relationship as you are. Why bother with this?

His past three relationships have been open relationships

Link to post
Share on other sites
It came out of the blue, as he had been struggling with it for a wee while after a woman had flirted with him. He said he had no intention of doing anything, that he wanted to, but knowing where I stand, that he wouldn't do that. I later pushed for an ultimate answer wishing to know what page were both one.

I agree that to find others attractive is normal, its the wanting to do something about it that I struggle with. Im fine with the looking, not fine with the wanting to to but stopping himself...that means that we're both being short changed.

 

I think you've come to your own conclusions. Good for you. Be true to yourself and believe in what's right for you. Everything else will fall into place.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I think you've come to your own conclusions. Good for you. Be true to yourself and believe in what's right for you. Everything else will fall into place.

 

Thank you, I have and I ended it.

 

Thanks everybody for your replies, it's all been helpful. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
Thank you, I have and I ended it.

 

Thanks everybody for your replies, it's all been helpful. :)

 

Smart choice. I'd take value from the lesson that dating is to learn about your compatibility and to screen out bad matches. So if someone tells you that they've been in open relationships, it's not 'judgy' or 'uncool' to view that as a giant neon sign that says 'lousy match' for someone who wants monogamy.

 

Be true to yourself, and hold out for the RIGHT match for you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 month later...

It's natural to feel attracted to other people and desire them while in a relationship. It happens to a lot of people. Expecting someone to find you the most desirable person in the world and desires only you for the rest of your life is unrealistic. What matters is how they act on it in regards to your relationship and the boundaries you've set and what's okay and not okay. And keep in mind that just because he thinks of others as attractive doesn't mean he loves you less or find you less attractive.

 

Your boyfriend didn't do anything wrong here, you asked and he was honest with you. If he was in open relationship before it probably didn't occur to him it could be come off as hurtful as in open relationships people are usually pretty straight forward and honest about this kind of things.

 

If you feel secure about this though, let him know. Don't guilt trip him, just plainly explains how it makes you feel and he cares about you he'll be happy to provide reassurance.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 month later...

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...