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Is the evidence I have all wrong?


Whatnext32
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I've been married to my spouse for 8 years. I noticed my husband started to become more distant after I had our second child. Then the more time that went by, the bigger the gap got between us emotionally. He stopped talking to me, he distanced himself on social media from me. He stopped taking me on dates and didn't even do anything for my birthday or our 8th wedding anniversary. Last June he took a new job with a female he's seen pictures of naked. Rumors of this girl having photos online circulated in the office he use to work at and he looked her up to see if the rumors were true. He told me about it casually like it was no big deal. I was concerned because she wasn't his to look at. Now my husband gets a new job with this lady, she requested him, and it's complicated because they've been paired as a team and are the only two employees in our area. Concerned I thought it would be best for me to openly discuss my hope to see them both succeed professionally while maintaining proper boundaries for the sake of our marriage. He was dismissive and annoyed. This raised my suspicion and I looked at his messages. They were flirting, but professionally. He was being playful with work banter, full of exclamation points and emojis. I addressed my concern and was accused if being insecure. They both headed out of state for new hire training and promised he'd honor my requests for boundaries after he saw upset I was. Upon my husband's return I discovered one lie after the other. All my request for healthy boundaries were dismissed. Car rides alone, dinner and lunches alone and they discussed their personal relationships. My husband confessed to nothing. He even got angry when I asked about it. He blatantly lied to my face until I dug up the proof. Only then would he confess. He showed little remorse. Then he repeated all the lies and offenses again during a second business trip. Again he wouldn't tell the truth until I had evidence. Then I recently discovered my husband has purchased burner phone numbers. He says it was out of curiosity on how it worked and he didn't purchase anything, he got a free trial, that he didn't use. Then I discovered that he actually contacted a number through burner but when I called the number it went to the district of Columbia , like it was rerouted to a fake number. Then I discovered that he actually got the burner App 3 different times, using 3 different numbers, A work cell, personal cell and Google voice number, so he could use the free trial 3x. Once in December, once in September the following year and once in October. In October, on his Google activity it shows he got a Lyft at 1am after he got the burner number and used Google Pay at 2am but there is no ride history for Lyft at 1am on the Lyft APP and no transaction history on the Google Pay APP. It's all on his Google activity log though, the apps just don't have those as visible. He wasn't home the night Google activity says he used Lyft, he was out of town on business so I have no idea if he was at his hotel, he turn off his Google location or maps stopped working. There's no record for his location at that time. He claims he's innocent, got mad at me and refuses to have a conversation about it. He keeps saying I have my mind made up and he's explained everything and I'm believing what I want to. I just can't understand. I would have to believe that my husband downloaded the burner app, made contact to an unknown number via the burner app and that Google made a mistake about his Lyft and Google Pay activity. Btw, I found the number he called via burner by going to contacts on the burner app, and seeing the number under "unnamed". He denies, denies, denies. Am I crazy? Could he be innocent? I feel like I'm loosing my mind.

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From what I understand adultery starts when a married couple have already drifted apart. What it means is that it's a natural outcome, and if not with her, there'll be another opportunity, with another woman. What do you do as a wife to bring the connection back up? Yes, he did distance himself, yes he wants time alone, but why? What made him drift apart? Did you become less attractive after the second child birth? Did you become less available for him to play with you? Did you become a mama and not a woman anymore? Well, spying on him and collecting evidence for your righteousness won't change a thing in the right direction for your marriage.

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Regardless of what may or may not be going on with his coworker, one thing is pretty clear: your marriage is on life support, and has been for a while.

 

Your husband has become brusque, distant, irritable.

 

Meanwhile you are reading his messages behind his back, combing his digital footprint for clues.

 

I'd take a moment and look at all that and ask: Is this what you want?

 

I suspect the answer is no.

 

How long have things been like this? When was the second child born?

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Well, at the VERY least he's lying to you and not invested in you emotionally.

 

I'm sorry to say, but for many people, having children makes the marriage suffer. Sometimes, things are fine after having children, but it does require a lot of extra effort because babies are a lot of work and you both have to be VERY invested in making time for each other as a couple.

 

It would help to have more details about what distance. Is he physically distant from you? Have you two talked about this "distance"?

 

I do not think you are being paranoid. People who have nothing to hide, have nothing to conceal. You clearly cannot trust him and he is clearly deflecting. His behavior is extremely suspicious. We cannot know for certain, but IMO, it sounds like he is at least having an emotional affair if not more.

 

You need to think very seriously about what you want. Is the marriage over? Do you want to try and make it work? Is there anything to save?

 

Once you have your answer, you will need to have an honest conversation and just ask him what he wants to do.

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With over half of the world's population being women, who needs the FBI.

 

I'm with Nickel and Blue on this. Leaving the details of your investigation aside, stuff is wrong in this relationship, badly.

 

Start planning. You can consider couples counseling first, but even if you do that, I would suggest that you don't postpone seeing a lawyer for your options. Getting their opinion will also probably help you focus on the benefit of your children and yourself - high emotional distress, disbelief, fury tend to misguide, paralyze and result in behaviours that cause further damage, for the children especially.

 

Start by a meeting with a counselor (even alone. Do yourself a favor and see them to spare yourself weeks or months of affect tainted reasoning and confusion) and a lawyer. If I were you I would come back to discuss after the meetings gave me things to consider about where to go from here.

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To those asking if 2nd baby hurt my appearance. I put on 20lbs after the second baby, but carried my weight well, I use to model and played varsity soccer so I'm athletic. I started kickboxing with all the stress from this ordeal and I lost the baby weight. I try to be a good wife and that means not depriving my husband of very natural desires. So to those asking if it affected our sex life, the answer is no. I need sex too, it's been stressful and I thought it was a win/win for us both to release this way. It does hurt a bit more after because everything goes back to ice after. As for the distance, I can't speak for him, but I have noticed he has a smart phone addiction. He will not even look at me when we talk because he's glued to the phone. I know some think going through a phone is nonsense but I think transparency is important and I'm not just some lady, I'm his family, his wife and his home. I have no secrets and would give my phone and passwords without hesitation. I'd actually be excited to do that because he would see all the articles I read and we could talk about the cool stuff going on in this world. I wish he'd ask for my phone. Another reason for the distance is I had postpartum depression after the 2nd baby. I was very proactive on pulling myself to a place of peace though. I listened to Ted Talks, read books, took classes. I already told my husband that the evidence is apparent. It's glaring in both our faces. I tried to reassure him and explained that if he feels comfortable telling me the truth we can move forward and may even become stronger, however it's his choice. Without the truth I have to take what strength I have left and re-establish myself independently because I can't do all the work in the relationship. We tried to see a marriage counselor, but we actually grew more distant after that. I also apologized in case my reactions before made me unapproachable. He just changed the subject, completely stone walled me, then went to bed. Maybe I should stop trying so much and just move on.

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See a counselor and an attorney.

 

No, you don't need to file for divorce immediately or even at all. But you need to protect yourself and your children.

 

I told my husband that I was at a crisis point and that I wanted the marriage, but that I couldn't keep it going by myself; I needed him to be an active participant and for him to be clear that he wanted the marriage too. If he becomes defensive, deflects or refuses to have a discussion, you have your answer.

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Thank you for replying in regards to the evidence. So based on what I found, I'm confused about one thing. On all 3 burner accounts there is an out going call or Text. However this numbers are fake. Is it possible that who ever he's calling, texting is also using a burner? I have the digital footprints, but am clueless on how the inner workings of it all

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The biggest concern I have in reading your story is not the state of your marriage or whether or not your husband is cheating. It is the state of your focus on investigating and analyzing evidence. Why are you doing this? If all the evidence you collect convince you that everything is OK and he is not cheating, then what? You feel good and that everything in this relationship is fine and there is no cause for concern about him and the woman he works with? Will you have a loving, rewarding relationship with an engaged partner? Or would it just buy you some time until the next situation that leaves you wondering and that escalates into more doubt and anxiety that you have to alleviate by looking for evidence to convince you that what you gut is telling you is not true?

 

Your gut is telling you things are not right.

He may or may not be cheating, unless you catch him in the act, this pursuit of evidence is merely a form of distraction from the real issue.

You might be focusing on the investigations because acknowledging and facing the reality and considering next steps is too uncomfortable.

This amounts to spinning your tires in life instead of confronting reality and acting in your own best interest even if it is really uncomfortable to do that.

 

You either keep spinning your wheels and live in denial or

Tell your husband you are not happy in the marriage and seek marriage counseling or

Leave the marriage.

 

It may help you to get some counseling for your self if your husband is not interested in it, this will help you manage your anxiety, learn to trust your gut instincts, and help you define next steps.

 

Good luck to you!

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LDJ summed up my thoughts as well.

 

When we're in pain we seek to find the source of that pain and I think, OP, you're very worried and right now, you can't find a tangible source for what's causing that hurt and sense of betrayal. That's why you need to find more evidence or seek to understand what more you can find to grasp something more tangible than what you have now. It's fine up to a point but you'll have to step back soon and tell yourself enough is enough. Don't get sucked down into this dark place. Hire a lawyer or at least go for a free first consultation or speak to one or two. See what they come up with. You mentioned you feel like you may be losing yourself, losing your sanity. The greatest thing you need right now are your wits about you so start collecting yourself and think carefully about how you want to spend your energy and your thoughts.

 

He's hurt you. I think we all see that and we understand what you are saying. It depends what you do with what you've got now and how much you're willing to find a different way to live, one that doesn't include self-doubt, sadness or pain. I second the suggestion for counselling also and see whether one or two sessions help. It's not for everyone but it can (even in one session) point you in the right direction.

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Yes, we've done counseling and it didn't work out. The evidence is everything and I'll explain. I would like to take this opportunity to mention that distance, emotional neglect and the source of our problems is important to identify. How can I be good wife if I don't know what the root cause is to fix it? If he's become distant because he has let someone else become close this is crucial, the type of counselor we see depends on this even. If my evidence is junk, then this also important to know so I can understand the breakdown. He changed his answer again tonight on why he had 3 burner numbers over the span of a year. I finally came to place this evening of calm. I realized I don't need his confession, that I already have the answer. I just don't want it to be true. My marriage has been over for a while. I can see that now. I would do anything to have him just talk to me, but I have to let go. I don't want to live like this. He's a great dad, so I'm confident that our children are going to be okay. Re-reading a my own post was the biggest reality check.

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I realized I don't need his confession, that I already have the answer. I just don't want it to be true. My marriage has been over for a while. I can see that now. I would do anything to have him just talk to me, but I have to let go. I don't want to live like this. He's a great dad, so I'm confident that our children are going to be okay. Re-reading a my own post was the biggest reality check.

 

I'm very sorry you're going through this. Sometimes the answers come from within.. especially when there is not enough honesty between two people. You don't have to make any big decisions right now. Just think about things carefully and sort your feelings.

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Stop playing detective. You have all the evidence you nee to consult with an attorney privately and confidentially to discuss you options in the event of separation/divorce. Make an appt with a therapist privately and confidentially. Do not tell your husband.

 

Start getting out of the house more with or without your child. Stay with friends and family some nights/weekends. Stop doing his laundry, shopping, cooking, etc. Take care of only yourself and your child.

 

You need to take serious action. "Talking about boundaries" is nonsense when dealing with a chronic liar who may be leading a double life. Stop feeding his ego by acting jealous/threatened. Act confident. Get in shape, work more, take classes, courses, etc. Do not report your whereabouts or much detail. Simply say going out or going to my parents etc. Let him watch your child while you do all this. You obviously leave him to much free time to conduct whatever secretive behavior he is engaging in. Keep in mind whatever you happened upon is the tip of the iceberg.

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I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to reply and offer advice. I listened to each of you. At this time I'm done with all the evidence nonsense. I once read that to much inward focus on problem creates negative energy. I made that mistake as we can all see. I actually woke up in a great mood. Motivated to get my big girl pants on and focus on my children and myself. I'm not going to seek an attorney at this time. I'm going to focus on me. I'm going to try an individual counselor instead of a marriage counselor. I love my husband beyond words and I really hope he finds his happiness. I can't make him happy, I can only make me happy and today's goal is to redirect my focus while drinking copious amounts of coffee and annoying my kids with Disney songs. I'm a little obnoxious lol. That's it. Just one goal for one day. My heart is broken, but I prayed really hard last night and woke up rejuvenated. If my husband continues down this path we will part ways, I'm hoping he will wake up though. Send your positive energy or prayers to my husband. He needs it.

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I'm going to try an individual counselor instead of a marriage counselor.

 

- good - you two have a lot of issues here.

 

There are two many things to address here, but for one thing, maybe he should get another job so he's not traveling with this "other" woman.

 

There is a chance you could rebuild this marriage.

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I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to reply and offer advice. I listened to each of you. At this time I'm done with all the evidence nonsense. I once read that to much inward focus on problem creates negative energy. I made that mistake as we can all see. I actually woke up in a great mood. Motivated to get my big girl pants on and focus on my children and myself. I'm not going to seek an attorney at this time. I'm going to focus on me. I'm going to try an individual counselor instead of a marriage counselor. I love my husband beyond words and I really hope he finds his happiness. I can't make him happy, I can only make me happy and today's goal is to redirect my focus while drinking copious amounts of coffee and annoying my kids with Disney songs. I'm a little obnoxious lol. That's it. Just one goal for one day. My heart is broken, but I prayed really hard last night and woke up rejuvenated. If my husband continues down this path we will part ways, I'm hoping he will wake up though. Send your positive energy or prayers to my husband. He needs it.

 

Sending lots of positive energy to your whole family. Just know that you are not alone and there are many of us who have had to make similar realizations at the end of a relationship or marriage. Stay positive and surround yourself with things and people who uplift you. You're going to meet others who disagree with your choices and what you may feel is best so be prepared and stay strong.

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  • 1 month later...
I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to reply and offer advice. I listened to each of you. At this time I'm done with all the evidence nonsense. I once read that to much inward focus on problem creates negative energy. I made that mistake as we can all see. I actually woke up in a great mood. Motivated to get my big girl pants on and focus on my children and myself. I'm not going to seek an attorney at this time. I'm going to focus on me. I'm going to try an individual counselor instead of a marriage counselor. I love my husband beyond words and I really hope he finds his happiness. I can't make him happy, I can only make me happy and today's goal is to redirect my focus while drinking copious amounts of coffee and annoying my kids with Disney songs. I'm a little obnoxious lol. That's it. Just one goal for one day. My heart is broken, but I prayed really hard last night and woke up rejuvenated. If my husband continues down this path we will part ways, I'm hoping he will wake up though. Send your positive energy or prayers to my husband. He needs it.

 

This is good. What's done is done. Taking care of yourself and your children is your focus. Patience will be your best approach from here on out.

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