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Big Argument


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I've been dating someone for a little under 3 months now. A few weeks ago she had invited me to Easter at her mothers house. I felt it was a bit soon but went along with it anyway. Yesterday, she mentioned she won't see me Sunday because she's going out there for Easter. I made a face and she starting digging in until I told her I was a little annoyed she had invited me but now she's not. She lost her temper and went on a whole rant about how nobody except for her ex husband has met her mother and it's way too early for us to even do this. I mentioned that I agree but she shouldn't have invited me in the first place. I asked her if we were done (because she was furious) and she said "for tonight yes. but ill still see you this weekend" She then said I was no longer invited to her house and that I should go home and she walked off. I laughed it off but I haven't heard from her since last night so she may be a little more upset than I expected. Any idea what would cause this or what are some good next steps? I don't feel as if I need to apologize as I don't think I did anything wrong.

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She probably forgot she invited you?


She mentioned it in a moment of weakness?... how would we know...


What jumps up to me here is the way you reacted to her to being uninvited when at first you thought it wasn't a good idea to begin with.


You've only been dating for 3 months, have you guys discussed being exclusive, etc?


Why didn't you just tell her calmly, "hey, remember you had invited me last week, but if you changed your mind, it's cool, I thought it was a bit early for us to meet the parents any way, all good, have fun and see you after Easter"


Communication is key

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"thou protest too much'

In other words, she just flipped you on the mat by trying to make you feel bad for asking.

Instead of her taking ownership for her mistake and telling you so, it's was easier to make you out to be the bad guy.

If this indeed the case, it's not a good sign as to how she handles conflicts.

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Personally, I think she’s upset because you called her out.


She invited you when she was excited, but in the cold light of day she clearly realized it was too soon (and it was). Instead of having the hard conversation with you (“hey soooo... you know when I invited you? Yeah, I think it’s too soon”) - she just kind of tried to pass it off as she never invited you. Then she felt bad and shifted the blame to you - as if it were your idea.


People generally don’t like to be called out.


... but to be fair, I think your reaction was strange too. I’m not sure why you’d bother to call her out on it if you were uncomfortable with it too.


... and the whole “are we done?” thing over one broken date? Yeesh.


Anyways - my advice is to give her time and space and let her come to you. Or if you DO reach out, make it light and jokey. This really does not need to be this massive event you have both made it out to be.

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I think it's often about three months into a relationship where the first instance of conflict surfaces, and where you get to see how the other person handles conflict, and how you handle it as a couple.


This, for the time being, doesn't look great in my opinion.


She was passive, indirect, probably hoping you'd just be cool with about face. And, yeah, probably you could have been a bit cooler, since you were kind of on the fence about it anyway.


But you weren't super cool with it—that was your truth. And she responded to your confusion and hurt feelings by throwing a tantrum—that was her truth. And together you guys made a big mess over a kind of non-issue—that's the truth you built together.


The best advice I can give is to now be aware of the potential for this dynamic between you two—your feathers easily ruffled, her impulse to go nuclear when those feathers flare—and do what you can to disengage from it.


In other words, channel your inner zen master and just sit still, breathing calmly. If she cools off and meets you on that calm plane—great. If she doesn't—also great, because then you know, now, that you two don't handle conflict in a way that brings out your best sides.


Unless, that is, you want to reward a tantrum, and set a precedent so she knows this behavior works.

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Making a face was a bit immature. Her response was probably due to your passive aggressiveness about the issue. I'm sensing mixed signals from you. If you don't care about the Easter invite and thought it might have been too soon, why react at all?


I don't feel you're as invested in the relationship in the first place. Most people would seek to make amends in some genuine way. You don't have to apologize for being wrong but you can also acknowledge where you might have been misunderstood or there was a misunderstanding. Let her go if you're put off by her.

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I definitely think you could have managed the situation better yourself. You weren't really all that okay with meeting the family so soon, and you don't express giving up any major personal plans for her, only to evasively uninvited, which would really anger me and hurt me. You gave her a look and pointed a finger at her.


Her reaction is so scarily over the top, and I honestly don't think there's anything you could have said or done differently that would not result in the same reaction. I know I would have said, "Wait....weren't we supposed to go together?" Rage ensues...I just don't know how else to avoid this wrath unless you just casually said, Okay, with no "look" and gone about your business. It was a blessing, was it not?


You're reacting to the evasive uninvite, and while relieved, I would be rather annoyed about it. She just decided to pretend she did not extend the invitation and hoped you wouldn't notice, I guess. When you said something about it, she flew off the handle.


That is what I would worry about...does she react with this type of emotion, even rage, with any conflict, particularly when she's at fault? Does she reinvent history?


Let her cool down from the holiday bustle and hopefully things will settle down, but pay attention to this reaction to conflict.

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Learn not to dig in, escalate and antagonize this much. Just walk away. Learn that mindless debates are a waste of time. As far as her uninviting you, not a class act. Yeah, this is over but it sounds like that's what you wanted. Yup you won the battle but lost the war. Therapy may help you learn to tone down the arrogance and smug attitude for the next time conflicts arise. Until reading "her ex husband" this sounded like a high school spat. The ex is most likely going to be there.

I made a face

I asked her if we were done

I laughed it off

I don't feel as if I need to apologize as I don't think I did anything wrong.

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