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I smothered her and she says it's too much. Any chance of things working out?


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Hi everyone,

 

I've been dating this girl for 3 weeks, known her for 5 weeks. Altogether I'd say we've had about 3 dates, and then seen each other another 6 times (I know, that's alot already).

 

So she had a gay guy friend round from her home town back in Germany for a week last week. Me and her spoke as normal, Saturday few of her friends went out with her and I ended up blowing up her phone as she wasn't replying to me.

 

She later messaged me saying not to worry, and why I'm worrying so much (to be fair, I messaged her a lot which was wrong now I think about it). She then said good night and sweet dreams later that night.

 

On the Sunday between those days we met up and were both a tad quiet. Yet again, I pushed her for confirmation about our date on the upcoming Friday (this Friday - in which she had already confirmed).

 

(This happened again on the Monday - I blew up her phone - and later said again why am I worrying, she's just having fun and enjoying herself and her freetime. She said bombarding her phone with messages won't help me or her and that I should wait for her to message me tomorrow).

 

On the Tuesday morning I didn't listen obviously and messaged her first asking about what she wanted drinks wise for Friday (as the date was at my place - which she's already stayed over once).

 

She then messaged me saying that "This is all too much for me... You push me away, say sorry, then push me again. I think it's best if we don't hear from each other for a while".

 

I followed this up by 4 short pathetic messages saying don't do this, can I call you, I'm sorry, blah blah blah. MASSIVE MISTAKE.

 

That evening I sent one saying we can cancel the date and take things slowly which she didn't reply.

 

I followed up with one more message this morning just saying that I understand that she doesn't want to date me again, and that I enjoyed my time with her and all the laughs we had together. Then told her to take care. I've not messaged her since.

 

I have been speaking to our mutual friend (one of her good friends) today and she told me that the girl I was dating said it was basically too much, and to let it be for now.

 

Neither the girl I was dating or the friend could confirm if the girl I was dating wanted to stop dating me or just get some space as I smothered her way too much.

 

Is there any chance with this girl in the future?

 

I was thinking of messaging her this weekend (4 days time) as she always said she wanted to see the photos of me when I was really young and overweight (as I'm visiting the folks this Easter weekend).

 

Maybe if I give her space and then contact her she'll see I'm not as smothering as she thinks (I've never been so smothering like this before with other partners so not sure why I've started doing it now).

 

I'm a tad of an extrovert and she's an introvert of that matters for anything in terms of wanting space.

 

Any advice or insight would be appreciated!

 

Cheers!

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She then messaged me saying that "This is all too much for me... You push me away, say sorry, then push me again. I think it's best if we don't hear from each other for a while".

 

Don't contact her. She ran away because you smothered her and seriously lacked some self control. Laying in wait only to reach out again is just more of the same.

 

It's a good sign that you acknowledge your actions and behavior are unhealthy.

Stepping back for a moment only to repeat the same thing or acting `as if' you don't some sort of abandonment or anxious attachment issue doesn't solve the problem.

 

How have your other dating experiences been and can you say this is somewhat of a pattern for you?

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She held out a lot longer than I would have. You put way too much pressure on her way too soon! Get it out of your head that you're entitled to immediate responses. I know we live in an age of instant gratification, but a lot of people live busy lives and won't be able to return a phone call or text right away. The first time you "blew up" my phone, I would have ended our involvement. No one wants to walk on eggshells or feel tethered to their phone 24/7 to please someone who isn't even their partner.

 

Please do not contact her. The situation is done and not fixable. Sending her unattractive photos of when you were overweight is especially a no-no! Get a grip on yourself and try finding someone new when you're certain you can be calmer about the early dating process.

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Okay, you need to google "nice guy". you have some reading to do.

 

In the beginning couple of months, playing hard to get is a better bet. If you go too fast it can feel weird to the other person and turn them off. Love moves at different rates for different people, and usually girls are like slow cookers! Ask her for a date once a week, and don't make a date while on a date.

 

With this, leave her alone for two weeks. Not contact unless she contacts you first. Then you can ask for a date.

 

After a couple of months you can ease up on the laying hard to get - she's either going to be with you, or it's not a match at that point.

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Dude.

 

Let this whole thing go and take a minute to find yourself. Or at least just realize that your behavior—which you say is uncharacteristic—is a clear sign that this woman triggers in you a side of yourself that is not conducive to dating, which means you're simply not a good match.

 

You pushed and pushed (and pushed and pushed). When she delicately asked you to chill with the pushing, you pushed harder. When she was a bit less delicate, you pushed even harder.

 

Alas, you pushed her to choose that most primal of human needs—the need to breathe—over you.

 

And now you're wondering if pushing is maybe the answer to get her back? After, you know, four days of "space"? You think blowing up her phone with a photo of blown-up little-you is going to be the savior?

 

No. NO.

 

She wanted that photo of chubby little you when she saw you as a cool, confident, non-chubby big boy she could imagine dating. Now she basically sees you, understandably, as a needy little kid.

 

You are "too much" in her mind, and that's where you will reside for eternity: the "too much" dude she dated for a minute. The dude who was kinda cool until he "freaked out."

 

Sucks. Hugs. Wild the parts of us that dating can bring out, ain't it?

 

But really use this as a wakeup call to get that side of you under wraps, so if/when it surfaces again with another woman you have a completely different response. Basically every single time you "blew up her phone" was the moment when you should have just done something that made you feel good and confident on your own. Basically from here on out you should never again use the phrase "blew up her phone" in regards to yourself, because you've learned what really gets blown in the process: potential romance.

 

Find those avenues, carve them out, and you'll be better next time.

Edited by bluecastle
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For that time frame, I don't think it's unexpected to message or see each other the way you have been but I don't think she feels the same way about you from the start. There are some people you meet where your chemistry is a little more lukewarm. I'd temper it down and just acknowledge the mistakes you made and find someone else more on your wavelength. I wouldn't pursue this person. She is not interested.

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This reminded me of the The Dobler-Dahmer Theory on the tv show How I met your mother... lol

 

If two people are into each other equally, a big romantic gesture should work, but if one person isn't into the other, then the same gesture is received as over-the-top, suffocating or crazy.

 

 

It all boils down to compatibility I believe. In your mind, you were very into this girl, can't wait to see her again, can't wait to hear from her... unfortunately she wasn't in the same place as you were, thus she got suffocated.

 

Tone the emotions down at first when meeting someone new. Time is your best friend here

 

Best of luck!

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I was thinking of messaging her this weekend (4 days time) as she always said she wanted to see the photos of me when I was really young and overweight (as I'm visiting the folks this Easter weekend).

 

Terrible idea.

 

OP, she has told you to stop. Listen to her. Stop. Messaging her yet again after she told you she doesn't want to keep in touch right now will only further confirm her decision to call it off. It will show her you don't listen and don't respect her choice.

 

Unfortunately, you created a very unappealing impression of yourself early on. That is what's going to stick with her. You showed her you are too clingy and needy, and expect too much; you also showed her you have no clue how to soothe your own anxiety and will project it on to her. As such, the likelihood that she will want to try again is slim-to-none, putting it bluntly.

 

Take this as a lesson learned, and start figuring out how you will manage your relationship anxiety in the future in more constructive ways.

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I blocked a guy over this. I told him I was busy and couldn’t really be in touch until the next Friday or Saturday because work was a mess. He called me that Wednesday and left me a handful of texts. Called me a few times the next day with more texts. Repeated it Friday.

 

Done.

 

Blocked, no regrets. Because I was clear, and if he can’t respect that in the beginning, what respect should I expect later?

 

Learn a lesson from this.

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Maybe if I give her space and then contact her she'll see I'm not as smothering as she thinks (I've never been so smothering like this before with other partners so not sure why I've started doing it now).

 

This is the exact opposite of what she does or will think if you contact her yet again. You have been told not just by the girl you are dating but by your mutual friend to let it be... why are you still pushing for contact with her?? This is very disrespectful of the boundaries she has been trying to set with you.

 

If it were me I probably would have blocked you by now given your behavior. What you are doing has nothing to do with being extroverted... I know plenty of extroverted people that are fully capable of giving others space and respecting their boundaries. This is about you being anxious and insecure.

 

Leave her alone, and don't contact her again unless she reaches out to you first.

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Yeah you're all right.

 

To be honest, she showed more interest in me in terms of what her messages contained and how she was in person than I did with her, as well as asking me out and talking about future dates (especially when she thought I blocked her last week - I didn't), but it seems now that I showed way more interest in a way where it was overbearing and space invading, rather than what she did, which was nice and thoughtful and caring. And then I over stepped the line by persisting to message her when I realise and probably always knew was bad. Of I just went out with mates or watched TV or whatever when she didn't chat then I'd be fine (I mean I did that with previous partners and that was fine).

 

I'm not going to contact her for a while, give it a couple of weeks, maybe 3. By then I probably won't care about wanting to see her again.

 

By then is there any harm in contacting her if I'm curious how she's doing or whatever, with a chunk of time passed? I'm asking more as an 'what if' as I know that by then if I'm not thinking about her then I wouldn't approach her.

 

You mention it's disrespectful to ever do what I did (which I agree with), but is it disrespectful in a few weeks time to ever ask her how she is if I'm thinking about her then or wondering how she's doing in general?

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I'm going to answer the question I think you're really asking, which is not really about respect, but about if there's a shot at resparkling this fire if you can bite your tongue for a whopping three weeks instead of the aforementioned four days.

 

No.

 

Because, you see, you're still gripping the very same steering wheel that got you crashed into this wall, working with the same dull and rusty tools. You gotta let it go, my friend, and in the process learn that letting go—or at least not white-knuckling things when the heart flutters a bit and/or a mysterious gay German guy comes into town—is actually how you allow things to develop a bit more organically.

 

That said, life is crazy, so I'll feed your thirst a tiny a bit and say: Hey, if after a good chunk of time—weeks, months, whatever; the point is that this is not a predetermined time—you find she's still on your mind and you want to see what's what? Sure, why not?

 

Odds are about 99 to 1 that you're not going to do yourself any favors, though. You've shown her something that exists inside of you that really turned her off. And it's still coming through in your posts, a panic, an inability to sit still and calm yourself.

 

Lean into that place for a bit. I'm sure she's cool and I'm sure you're cool too. But you + her = something edgy. She's graduated from that math class, so it's best you do the same.

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Holy *, this isn't "nice guy" this is "obsessive" guy!

 

Op, in girl speak her "I think it's best we don't hear from each other for awhile" means "don't contact me anymore, ever"!

 

This is WAY past the point of no return.

 

Leave her alone; lesson learned for the next girl, hopefully.

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By then is there any harm in contacting her if I'm curious how she's doing or whatever, with a chunk of time passed? I'm asking more as an 'what if' as I know that by then if I'm not thinking about her then I wouldn't approach her.

 

You mention it's disrespectful to ever do what I did (which I agree with), but is it disrespectful in a few weeks time to ever ask her how she is if I'm thinking about her then or wondering how she's doing in general?

 

I don't think it is. It depends how you frame it. I'd apologize for your behaviour early on and just move on from there. There's no sense in getting upset or making a big deal over past mistakes(and these are rather small, if you ask me). What's done is done. Don't be surprised if she still doesn't want to have anything to do with you. First impressions do matter so I think that's what you're running up against. So yes, if you want to, but be aware that you've already given a bad first impression. Don't repeat the same mistakes and start messaging her twice or more than that if she never replies.

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Yeah you're all right.

 

To be honest, she showed more interest in me in terms of what her messages contained and how she was in person than I did with her, as well as asking me out and talking about future dates (especially when she thought I blocked her last week - I didn't), but it seems now that I showed way more interest in a way where it was overbearing and space invading, rather than what she did, which was nice and thoughtful and caring. And then I over stepped the line by persisting to message her when I realise and probably always knew was bad. Of I just went out with mates or watched TV or whatever when she didn't chat then I'd be fine (I mean I did that with previous partners and that was fine).

 

I'm not going to contact her for a while, give it a couple of weeks, maybe 3. By then I probably won't care about wanting to see her again.

 

By then is there any harm in contacting her if I'm curious how she's doing or whatever, with a chunk of time passed? I'm asking more as an 'what if' as I know that by then if I'm not thinking about her then I wouldn't approach her.

 

You mention it's disrespectful to ever do what I did (which I agree with), but is it disrespectful in a few weeks time to ever ask her how she is if I'm thinking about her then or wondering how she's doing in general?

 

You say you understand and agree with us but then you ask if you should reach out again, which leads me to believe that it's not really getting through. Let it and her go. The situation is definitely not redeemable. I guarantee she does not want to hear from you in 3 weeks.

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By then is there any harm in contacting her if I'm curious how she's doing or whatever, with a chunk of time passed? I'm asking more as an 'what if' as I know that by then if I'm not thinking about her then I wouldn't approach her.

 

If she doesn't come looking for you, then there is no point contacting her again, OP. It would be a sign of very clear disinterest on her part.

 

You don't appear to understand that.

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Can I just ask why is everyone acting like this is harrasment? In the last 4 days I only sent 8 more messages than she sent me? That's an extra 2 a day average (And she still sent a lot). And before then she would send more messages than me. It's not like I'm going to continue 'blowing up' her phone like I did the last four days?

 

Remember she never said if I was to never talk to her again or even if she wanted to stop dating (I'm just presuming she wants to stop, who knows, this could be a test to see if I still blow up her phone. Something I'll never know unless she tells me one day). She said herself she believes that being upfront is the right thing to do in any situation.

 

I've been in this situation before where I was at uni and dated someone for a short while, only for me to act insecure like I've done now, she ended the dating and say she doesn't want to hear from me again. Exactly a month later I messaged her asking for a drink as I was in her part of the city. We went to date for 5 months after that before I ended it due to location as I was going on a placement the other side of the country.

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OP, she told you herself that it's too much.

 

She told you herself she doesn't want to hear from you for while.

 

You dont have to agree with posters here, but you do need to listen to what the lady herself told you.

 

Don't justify it. Don't speculate. Simply respect her boundary and her decision to keep her distance from you.

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This reminded me of the The Dobler-Dahmer Theory on the tv show How I met your mother... lol

 

If two people are into each other equally, a big romantic gesture should work, but if one person isn't into the other, then the same gesture is received as over-the-top, suffocating or crazy.

 

 

It all boils down to compatibility I believe. In your mind, you were very into this girl, can't wait to see her again, can't wait to hear from her... unfortunately she wasn't in the same place as you were, thus she got suffocated.

 

Tone the emotions down at first when meeting someone new. Time is your best friend here

 

Best of luck!

 

- Exactly.

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Can I just ask why is everyone acting like this is harrasment? In the last 4 days I only sent 8 more messages than she sent me? That's an extra 2 a day average (And she still sent a lot). And before then she would send more messages than me. It's not like I'm going to continue 'blowing up' her phone like I did the last four days?

 

Remember she never said if I was to never talk to her again or even if she wanted to stop dating (I'm just presuming she wants to stop, who knows, this could be a test to see if I still blow up her phone. Something I'll never know unless she tells me one day). She said herself she believes that being upfront is the right thing to do in any situation.

 

I've been in this situation before where I was at uni and dated someone for a short while, only for me to act insecure like I've done now, she ended the dating and say she doesn't want to hear from me again. Exactly a month later I messaged her asking for a drink as I was in her part of the city. We went to date for 5 months after that before I ended it due to location as I was going on a placement the other side of the country.

 

Please? Where is your dignity?

 

The mere fact that you have counted how many messages were exchanged shows your obsession.

And you are obsessing over someone you barely know! Why?!!

 

Stop paying attention to what she said or did a week ago , that’s irrelevant.

Start paying attention to what she is saying or doing now, because it doesn’t matter what she thought of you a week ago, it ONLY matters what she thinks of you NOW, which I’m sorry is not the same.

 

Message her all you want, because I would presume you are blocked by now anyway so she won’t even receive your messages.

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