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Confused about how to move forward with this friendship


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Hey all,

 

So I’m looking for some advice regarding a friend I have recently made online.

 

We met on a friendship app, I moved recently and wanted to find some new friends in the area however this person ironically isn’t in my area.

 

I’ve had a few other connections with people like this but conversations didn’t really go anywhere. However me and this person connected right away and the conversation just flowed and we get on really well.

 

Initially they made contact with me and we messaged every day, quite a lot through the day and inevitably this has tailed off to a few times a week. However I just can’t work out whether they want to remain friends or not.

 

We both put a lot of time in at the beginning and were very open about how much we got on but over the last few weeks I’ve gotten the feeling that they aren’t really that interested in being friends anymore.

 

This is absolutely fine because I know that things can change but I’m confused as to whether that is the case or not and how I should move forward.

 

For example I’ve suggested meeting up and gave them an out in case they didn’t want to but they said that they did and they suggested a day and place etc but then because of work commitments it’s now been cancelled.

 

I kinda suspected this may happen so thought that I’d just leave them alone but then after a few days of not messaging I’ll get a message saying ‘hey what’s up? I’ve been doing such and such...and what have you been up to...?’ and then we’ll have a chatty conversation for a bit so then I think Ok maybe they do want to stay friends but then often I will send them a message and it’ll be 24 hours before they read it let alone reply.

 

So I don’t know whether to pursue this friendship or not. A large part of me wants to because we get on really well and have made a lot of effort with each other but then the other part of me thinks that if they take 24 hours to read my messages then they clearly aren’t interested. If I choose to leave it alone and then get a message from them do I just ignore it now or ask them what they actually want out of this?

 

I’ve got a quite a few online friends and I was hoping that this would turn into an actual friendship so I don’t really want a text buddy.

 

It’s confusing because even though I’ve had proper romantic relationships through online sites etc I’ve never actually done the friend thing before.

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Are you wanting a friendship only with this person or are you looking for something romantic?

 

Is the other person a he or a she?

 

I'm definitely only looking for a friendship and the other person is a he.

 

I think the issue for me is that I'm quite a loyal friend and I try to be there for people when I can and if I get the feeling that someone is being flaky then I wonder whether I should waste my time with that person. I'm just not sure if that's the case here or not and because I don't often click with people that easily it's a pleasant surprise when I do.

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When a person cancels a get together, it's up to them to reschedule. If I had to be the one cancelling and valued the friendship, I'd be looking on my calendar right way and choosing a new date when we're both free.

 

A connection on line is not reality unless it also translates to the in-person connection, and you haven't even been able to check that part out.

 

I'd say something like this: I joined this app to meet friends for get togethers. I'm really not into being chat buddies, and with our distance, it's obvious it'll be too hard to arrange meet ups. I'm going to concentrate on the friends I'm making locally and wish you the best.

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When a person cancels a get together, it's up to them to reschedule. If I had to be the one cancelling and valued the friendship, I'd be looking on my calendar right way and choosing a new date when we're both free.

 

A connection on line is not reality unless it also translates to the in-person connection, and you haven't even been able to check that part out.

 

I'd say something like this: I joined this app to meet friends for get togethers. I'm really not into being chat buddies, and with our distance, it's obvious it'll be too hard to arrange meet ups. I'm going to concentrate on the friends I'm making locally and wish you the best.

 

I think you're right but to be fair, when they cancelled they did suggest another date. I just didn't acknowledge it at the time as I assumed he was just moving the goal posts. Also neither of us have done this before and he may be scared to meet at this point. I had a previous online friend who I'm good friends with 9 years later, we didn't meet for the first three years!!!

 

We don't communicate on the app anymore, he offered me his number a while ago and both follow each other on Facebook. Even though we don't live near each other we both frequent the same town quite often so we could meet but haven't actually been there at the same time yet. I just don't get the whole delayed reply thing but then maybe I should just say what you said. I just don't want to come across as really pushy or really forward.

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My advice would be to really get this meeting going in real life. I guess it's still possible to be friends with someone a distance away and only catch up occasionally, but I think for that to work you would first need to get to know each other properly in person. It can take a long time to truly know people and I don't think you can say you even click with this guy for real because people can seem different online.

 

I think you should just suggest to meet again and set a particular date and time. If he flakes out and doesn't reschedule then I would say just leave it.

 

The other thing too is that some people actually do just want to chat online and don't care to meet in person. I agree with you, I think there's not much point to continue chatting online indefinitely unless you know each other in real life too.

 

I personally think that there's not much point in having online friends at all because you can't share any hobbies or interests together in person. I know some people still like having online friends though and when real life friends are lacking, it's still better than no friends.

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My advice would be to really get this meeting going in real life. I guess it's still possible to be friends with someone a distance away and only catch up occasionally, but I think for that to work you would first need to get to know each other properly in person. It can take a long time to truly know people and I don't think you can say you even click with this guy for real because people can seem different online.

 

I think you should just suggest to meet again and set a particular date and time. If he flakes out and doesn't reschedule then I would say just leave it.

 

The other thing too is that some people actually do just want to chat online and don't care to meet in person. I agree with you, I think there's not much point to continue chatting online indefinitely unless you know each other in real life too.

 

I personally think that there's not much point in having online friends at all because you can't share any hobbies or interests together in person. I know some people still like having online friends though and when real life friends are lacking, it's still better than no friends.

 

Yeah maybe I should or should I just ask what we’re doing? Thing is if he doesn’t think there’s an issue then I don’t want to sound crazy but as you say there’s no point in bothering if we’re never going to meet. I do have ‘online’ friends who I know I won’t meet but in this app it’s meant to be about making actual friends and this one I feel we could get on well in person and it was supposedly reciprocated. However moving to a real offline friendship can be daunting if you’ve not done it before.

 

I just don’t want to come across as pushy and like I’m rushing everything when some things just happen in time but at the same time I don’t want to be annoying and send messages that aren’t wanted.

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My feeling is that this person and you don't have enough to go on to be real friends. The premise was a bit wacky to start. There is not much commitment in being friends in the first place which implies that a friendship app is mostly casual. Dating apps differ as there is a percentage of individuals looking to meet someone for greater commitment and normally that greater commitment involves greater proactiveness and initiative. Sex (hook ups) are also a great motivator as in order to have sex, you do need to meet someone face to face.

 

Most people won't be looking for friends and the people who are specifically looking for friends online to transition to real life is questionable(weird). I'd review the purpose of the friendship app in general and limit your use with it. I think it's a misnomer and a trap (mental trap/time waster). Try meeting people in your local venues around the neighbourhood or at school. If anything, there are also apps or websites like meetup.com where people get together based on shared interests or a common cause whether it's business-related or personal or self-development.

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You need to be patient when developing friendships. Expecting there to be intimacy, accountability and commitment after just a few weeks of messaging is completely unrealistic. You are just getting to know each other, and the person is reaching out to you to connect which means he wants to keep getting to know you. Not everyone opens up right away, some take awhile to build trust, and part of that is letting go of expectations and getting to know them and learning to accept them for who they are.

 

I definitely agree that meeting in real life would be a great idea... in the meantime, slow your roll and continue investing time and energy into developing friendships beyond this one.

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So I have a few things to add to the insights here. I message with women from my Facebook groups. They are local and some live much closer to me than others. Very often we know people in common. I’ve met a few in person. One live last right near me and although we clicked and still chat we haven’t put ok effort to schedule another get together. We have kids who know each other but we met without them.

In another case I messaged a lot over time with a woman who lives a 20 minute drive away. She was the first to suggest meeting. I suggested dates and offered to come to her - and bring my son because my husband would be away. She’d suggested her home.

But for some reason she (and she had complained a lot about not having enough friends in our new city - new to us) really wanted my husband to come too since her husband would be home that day. On a practical level I just couldn’t make that work.

And it was unusual - I’d be happy to meet him or he was free to make his own plans. So then I suggested she and I meet for lunch near her (she won’t drive on a highway or take the train - I could take the train). On a weekday. She agreed but never to a date. For over a month after that I didn’t hear from her other than a polite conversation ending response. Now we are chatting again somewhat but I’m not comfortable inviting myself over to her house. It’s her turn. Not sure what happened.

I also can tell you that many times I’ve messaged with women from my moms groups who are totally enthusiastic about meeting people and complain about not having friends. They are happy to chat but not willing to put in the effort to meet. I am happy to meet halfway as far as effort but that’s it.(and happy to travel to them if it makes sense) It’s frustrating. I have a meetup scheduled for next month. We’ll see. Sorry you’re going through this.

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You all make very valid points and it’s interesting to read all your perspectives.

 

Rose Mosse I fully take your point but I guess it’s weird to those who haven’t done it and less weird to those of us who have. I mean online dating was considered weird at one point but now lots of people do it. I guess because I live in quite a remote place and there’s not much going on here I thought I’d see if it opened up my chances of making new friends. It worked for me in the past in that my current 10 year relationship started online, my last one did too and I have several long term friends who I all initially met through some online platform so it can be a good tool albeit not one that should be relied on.

You are right though in that there is no commitment there and it’s very different to dating.

 

Maew I completely agree and I don’t expect anything but I’m just not sure whether it’s a bit one sided now. I just don’t want to message someone if they aren't interested in reading them. We have spoken a lot up until recently but now it’s really dropped down mainly because once you’ve spoken about who you are and what you do and likes/dislikes etc there’s less conversation to be had going forward other than how’s your day been and what are you up to? We’ve kinda exhausted all the initial getting to know you conversation and I fully take all your points on board.

 

Batya it’s very interesting to read your experiences in things. I guess you’ve got more in common with both having kids but yes it is a weird one when people want friends but then don’t seem to with their actions.

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The guy offered another time, you’re the one who thwarted that with overthinking. So either stop spinning, propose another time and allow for normal processes of renegotiation around that, and meet the dude, or settle for being a pen pal, or skip him. Don’t expect him to double down on his thwarted attempt to reschedule, he already tapped that ball to you.

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