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Question for men: would you forgive your beloved one who once smack you?


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Long story short.

It was a very healthy relationship, the night before we were in the cinema and had a lovely dinner together and woke up arm in arm (we lived together). The next day we had an argument - I was upset and told him Im leaving. The same day when I returned home he packed up my stuffs and asked me for the key. When I got home he asked me: are you hungry? Should I cook something? And I saw in the living room my stuffs were packed in luggages. I flipped out. I destroyed our photos. I threw my beloved soft toy in the bin which was his gift for me, I was broken. He yelled at me: this is my home.

The next morning I received a call from his mother and she told me to leave....I was even more mad that he got his mother involved...Then he threatened me with the police and he actually called the police on me to make me leave the common apartment. (he is the one who has the contract with the landlord). I went homeless. A week later I couldn't stand this situation after we texted to each other...I went to "his" apartment, for me emotionally also mine at 11pm, a bit tipsy. He locked the door from outside and came out. I just wanted to go home...It happened so suddenly with this stupid argument. We are both not mature and both lack of communications. It was wonderful even the day before. I didn't open me the door and I gave him a smack, I left the house.

I know he loves me very much, he told me I was his first love and we had future plans (two vacations booked) and marriage plans. He never lived with a woman before. We never had any arguments before living together. I do love him. He sent a common friend a day after her wedding day a message that he wishes thing would have worked out differently and he could attend the wedding alone with me. That common friend told him that I left the wedding earlier because I was sad too.

I am not an aggressive person he knows that and I always took good care of him. It was that moment I wanted to go home... my heart broke to see him not letting me to go home. I wanted go home and cry.

We were both acting like kids. He knew I would never leave him (maybe he did not in that moment), he called my bluffs and packed up my stuffs...

So would you as a man to forgive?

Edited by claudeb
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Already commented on your specific situation, so I'll respond generally.

 

No, I wouldn't. I'm vigilant enough about physical threats outside my home. I don't volunteer myself for one inside of it. I know and respect women enough to realize that despite the common discrepancy in physicality and competency, very rarely is there a countdown and a bell before someone is attacked, and women are as capable as anyone else of inflicting damage. Whether it's a lucky gouge, rake, or weapon involved, it doesn't take a lot to even the odds when someone's got their guard down. Obviously not to say any woman who's ever slapped a guy is destined to go ham, but personally, it shows me you're willing and able to cross the Rubicon. It's a hard pass.

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A hit is a hit. No. Don’t make excuses. A hit to the face is very degrading . Yes , absolutely he should gather his support system ie his mom if there was abuse

Ps. It was a light slap on his face.

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I'll give you an answer from experience. I've been in a version of his shoes, not too long ago as it happens.

 

I would forgive it, but only in my own head and heart. I would hope the woman gets help for her issues. But I would not let the person back into my life, ever, because the risk of letting the potential of violence back into my life is simply not worth exploring a connection with anyone. Physical violence is simply not something I have any interest in "working through" with someone, and don't think it should be for anyone.

 

Don't underestimate the trauma of it, just because you are a woman, he is a man, and it was a "light slap." Speaking for myself, being attacked by a woman ranks very high on my list of traumatic experiences, and I'm no stranger to those. Heck, I've been jumped on the street by two men, I've been legit "beat up." That was less scary for me. I could fight back, for starters, and I had no emotional attachment to them.

 

To be hit by someone who professes to "love" you—no. That is not love to me, or a love I want anywhere near me. It is not "acting like kids," but something else. A complete lack of impulse control, a very real screw that has come loose. A woman can cheat on me, take advantage of me, steal from me, manipulate me, rile me up, tear me up, wreak havoc on my self-esteem—I will never, ever lay a hand in those moments. I know this about myself, because I've been in all those situations.

 

There is literally no excuse of physical violence, ever. If a female friend came to me saying her boyfriend "lightly slapped" her in a tense moment, I'd tell her to get out and never look back. The same goes with genders reversed, for the same reasons. If your relationship has reached that point it's done. If someone has shown themselves capable of hurting you like this, there is no space for them in your life.

 

I know you're hurting, reeling. But you have to let this go. Your relationship was toxic, and is now over, not to be fixed. Take this as a big wakeup call, to take steps on getting your anger in check.

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Another great post fm blue, I agree.

 

I've been thinking about this a lot since posted, and although I'm not perfect by any stretch, when angry at a bf or any man, the impulse to slap, smack or hit never even occurred to me.

 

I am not sure why now that I think about it, except knowing it's extremely disrespectful and if a man ever hit me, I'd feel very degraded.

 

Unless he was physically attacking me and my life was threatened, in that case I would fight back.

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To be hit by someone who professes to "love" you—no. That is not love to me, or a love I want anywhere near me. It is not "acting like kids," but something else. A complete lack of impulse control, a very real screw that has come loose. A woman can cheat on me, take advantage of me, steal from me, manipulate me, rile me up, tear me up, wreak havoc on my self-esteem—I will never, ever lay a hand in those moments. I know this about myself, because I've been in all those situations.

 

There is literally no excuse of physical violence, ever. If a female friend came to me saying her boyfriend "lightly slapped" her in a tense moment, I'd tell her to get out and never look back. The same goes with genders reversed, for the same reasons. If your relationship has reached that point it's done. If someone has shown themselves capable of hurting you like this, there is no space for them in your life.

 

 

 

Hit the nail on the head, as usual.

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I would forgive too, but NOT for him, for myself.

 

Because I prefer to not carry that bitterness and anger inside me.

 

Forgiveness releases that anger, prevents it from festering within which would no doubt negatively impact my future relationships.

 

And walk away for good.

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I don't think the slap in the face was a big deal. The way you're handling your emotions and reacting is creating a very big deal. You told him you're leaving him, that it's essentially over and then you just left. To him you just broke up with him, you're not there to reconcile, you're not offering any chances is just that you got angry and then said the relationship his over. He's invested in the relationship too, it's his risk too to invest in you. If you just say it's over and leave that is you two breaking up. The next step for him was to pack your bags based on what you said. Even if you now say you don't mean it, to him it felt like you did. He may not be willing to hang around you to find out next time if you mean it. So this is the biggest issue, that you would say you are leaving him and then just leave. Asian culture, which supports marriage and family and not dating for 5 years also supports not saying you're leaving even if that's how you feel and may even be planning on doing. So this I would ask that you fix about yourself.

 

Beyond this though, you two are not compatible. He wants to date you for 5 years, he does not want to marry you and if he later decides when he is 35 that he wants someone younger he's just going to stop dating you. At that stage of life it doesn't take 5 years to figure someone out, people usually get married after 2. I recommend that you stay broken up and get a hold of your anger and never go to breakups when you're angry.

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I've been a victim and a perpetrator of physical violence. There is never ever ever an excuse to lash out at someone violently, no matter how angry you are or how much pain you feel, and no matter what gender you are.

 

I feel plenty of shame and guilt for those behaviors.... I tried justifying it and working through it and made excuses for it in the relationship from both ends and in my experience once that line is crossed, the trust is broken permanently.

 

You need to learn to deal with your anger so you don't continue to cause harm emotionally or physically in the future. Get professional help in identifying your triggers and learning to manage your emotions.

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I will reiterate what previous posts wrote. It's a huge breech of trust and once that line has been crossed it cannot be undone. Taking you back would be a huge risk and would open the possibility for further abuse since you lack impulse control. At least now there is a chance that you will not repeat such behaviour knowing that the consequences are irreversible.

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I don't think the slap in the face was a big deal.

 

I respect your opinion Mari, but wondering, if your boyfriend smacked you in the face, would you not think that was a big deal either?

 

The reason I ask is because I think it's very much a double standard in our society.

 

Many will shrug it off, oh she's just mad, she'll get over it, no big deal.

 

Even in movies, we see it all the time, man does something stupid to piss woman off - she slaps him.

 

It's almost become acceptable! In fact, it has become acceptable!

 

But if the tables were turned and we witness a man slapping a woman - it's ABUSE!

 

That bothers me -- A LOT!

 

Ok, rant over, thnx for listening! :D

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I respect your opinion Mari, but wondering, if your boyfriend smacked you in the face, would you not think that was a big deal either?

 

The reason I ask is because I think it's very much a double standard in our society.

 

Many will shrug it off, oh she's just mad, she'll get over it, no big deal.

 

Even in movies, we see it all the time, man does something stupid to piss woman off - she slaps him.

 

It's almost become acceptable! In fact, it has become acceptable!

 

But if the tables were turned and we witness a man slapping a woman - it's ABUSE!

 

That bothers me -- A LOT!

 

Ok, rant over, thnx for listening! :D

 

Mari is a male...

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Mari is a male...

 

Ok, then allow me to rephrase.

 

Mari, if your sister or daughter (assuming you have a sister or daughter) were to get smacked in the face by her boyfriend, would you still consider that not a big deal?

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In the grand scheme of things the slap, as big of a deal as it is, was just one chapter in the novel of dysfunction.

 

Your anxiety is the biggest issue here.

 

It manifested itself in your relationship in horrible ways.

 

It’s causing you to be manic now in your search for a way to fix this.

 

I’m not gonna jump on you about what happened or even continue to give my opinion on it because then I’m talking for the sake of talking, because I don’t think it’s the real issue here.

 

You have communication and emotional and impulse issues to face, you lash out when hurt, I do/did too. It’s not easy to combat but if you ever want to have a normal relationship you need to work through these issues and learn proper coping skills.

 

Until you can, practice breathing calmly, removing yourself from situations, try to remind yourself not everything is personal, work on your self esteem a bruised ego is a big trigger for you. Learn to compromise and stop with the drama.

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