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Obsessed with his ex girlfriend


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Hi everybody! I desperately need help. Last year I met and dated this guy for whom I fell super hard. Head over heels, crazy. Well, the feelings for him have subsided, but one issue remains. He had recently ended a relationship when we met. Turns out his ex and I look a lot alike. Like sisters. Because of certain things, he made me feel like the reason why it didn't work between us is because he was just out of that relationship. Well, I was shaken to the ground, and now I am obsessed with his ex. It's unhealthy. Her face pops up on my head randomly. Thoughts of comparison to her are constant. Does he have a better face than me? Better body? Does she look better from this or that angle? Is she a nicer person? Is she smarter? Is her life better? Is her family better? Is she a better cook? More athletic? Needless to say, I don't have a moments peace. I know not to think of her, I know all this is unreasonable, but it's the way I feel. How can I make it stop?

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How long was this whole relationship? And when did it end?

 

On one hand, such thoughts are common in the aftermath of a breakup—the emotional exhaust of the whole thing, something that will burn off.

 

On the other, to dig a little deeper, I'd say that these thoughts are maybe symptomatic of something that actually has nothing to do with this man or his ex. Self-esteem stuff. External validation stuff. Ego stuff. Not being sure-footed in your own core, so you're quick to go into comparison mode.

 

Have you had thoughts like this in the past? Jealousy, say, at friends who are doing "better" than you in one way or another?

 

If so—and, hey, even if not, given that these current thoughts are weighing you down—I'd use this as a welcome time to do some self-searching. A session or two with a therapist can be awesome in these moments—helping you get past the surface and untangle what's really going on, to stop these present spins and the potential for more down the line.

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You'll have to read articles and books on how to improve your self esteem. Because instead of loving yourself, you allow other people's issues/behavior/feedback dictate what you think of yourself, magnifying supposed flaws. When you get to the mindset that you can't be everyone's cup of tea and that's okay, and a guy needs to treat you as the special person you are or he'll be out of your life, you'll be ready to date.

 

When you have self worth, you will eventually learn to cut off who doesn't make the grade and risk your heart on someone who likes you just the way you are. When your self esteem is low, you will attract, and be subconsciously attracted to, bullies and emotional wrecks.

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I agree with Andrina. Work on your self-esteem. My ex ended up with a woman who looks very similar to me but we get along just fine and she's wonderful. I think your boyfriend perhaps likes a certain look and that's his prerogative.

 

I'd also like to stress on top of loving and being more confident about yourself, you should respect your boyfriend and his choices. If you're finding that you're getting more and more put off by this, I wouldn't ignore it or downplay it. Always listen to your gut instincts and if you feel like something's not right or there are other factors that make you uncomfortable in your relationship, don't be afraid to move forwards with a clear head. Good luck.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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Sorry to hear this. Sadly it sounds like he was on the rebound. However you realize this has nothing to do with his ex. Some short term therapy would help a lot with any self esteem and self image issues.It would help you get out of this short circuit/obsession to talk things out. Also delete and block him and all his people from your messaging apps and social media. Forget her, instead start a self esteem building program. Get in shape, eat better, exercise more. Take some classes and courses you enjoy. Update your look, hair, clothes, etc. Focus on you.

Does he have a better face than me? Better body? Does she look better from this or that angle? Is she a nicer person? Is she smarter? Is her life better?
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