jackofmany Posted April 12, 2019 Share Posted April 12, 2019 Alright. So this is about the dawning realization that a conversation I had with my I guess now ex girlfriend about a week ago was not so much about a “taking a break” as she said it then, but about actually breaking up. You’d think I’d have known that by now, but I guess sometimes you turn a blind eye to evidence that is right in front of your face when you don’t want to see it. The reasons behind us splitting up were really not hard to see. We were fighting a lot. We are at radically different points in our lives. Intimacy was suffering. All those things. We loved each other, like you do, and the notion of taking a break would come up now and then and we had each broached the subject of breaking up, but never could quite separate. So last week she texted me that we really had to talk We sat down to talk and she was crying and told me she loved me but said she was not getting everything she needed from the relationship and that she was starting to turn to “all these new people I’m meeting” for some of what she was not getting and that maybe we needed to take a break. I agreed. I mean, the problems we had been having were getting worse and I could tell she was not happy and neither was I, but of course I still loved her. I kind of knew this conversation was getting closer because we had both been moving the needle towards it over the course of several weeks. During those times, when I felt us pulling apart, I realized that it was going to be harder to get over her than I thought. I felt like I was going to need to take some significant time to myself before I started dating anyone, because I was in love and my heart was breaking. So when she and I had that conversation, I listened to the words she was saying, but I heard what I was thinking, which was taking a break from dating altogether. What I didn’t start to process until a few days had passed was that she said she was turning to other people for what she was not getting in the relationship, and the conversation about what she was not getting in the relationship included intimacy. After we left each other that evening, we both sent text messages back and forth about how we already missed each other and loved each other and etc . . . she even wrote something like “I feel like I could love you forever.” But she also wrote. “This is hard. I’m sorry. This is hard.” I didn’t really process the “I’m sorry.” I am starting to now. Since that evening, now one week ago, we have had no communication whatsoever. The last thing we each said were more or less these words, “I love you. I want you to know that.” But then . . . nothing. And here is the thing. I think I needed (or maybe still need) to have the actual “break up” conversation, not the “taking a break” conversation, in order for me not to feel betrayed if I find out she is sleeping with someone else. In all likelihood it is too late for that. I mean, I find it unlikely that she did not intend to sleep with someone else. Why say those things otherwise? There is a part of me that think what I need to do is text her something along the lines of, “I don’t think I heard what you were saying when we talked last. If you were saying you needed to be with other people then this was never a break. It is a breakup. I wish we would have had that conversation instead. I find a lot of negative thoughts creeping into my head as it dawns on my what you were saying. I know I said you could reach out to me, but as I think it through now, I think it is better we cut this tie completely. If our paths cross again, then they do, but for now this needs to be a real goodbye.” Or whatever. What do you think? Should I do something like that? Or should I just let this silence between us be the message. What I suspect might happen is a few more weeks will go by, then she will get in touch to say she has been thinking and it is best we both moved on and etc . . . and then she will emerge as suddenly in a new relationship, having used this “break” as a buffer for her feelings of guilt for overlapping someone new with our coming to an end. Then I will go from just being sad about things to feeling burned. I can already feel that switch starting to happen. I know that it is necessary to cut all contact with someone when you are breaking up with them. I am wondering if that is already begun or if I have to re-begin it. I say all of this as someone who is still very much in love with someone, but who also sees the scope of the difficulties we were having and realizes this is probably the right thing in the long run. Though in the short run, it hurts like a %&$#?@! It really does. What would you do? Link to comment
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