Jump to content

Recommended Posts

I have been married to my husband for 2.5 years. We dated for about 4 years prior to getting married. I started dating him when I was 20, and he was my first serious relationship. He is 8 years older than me. Ever since we got married, I started feeling nothing sexually for him. He always wants to have sex and I never do. It is a burden for me. At first I thought it was a personal problem with my hormones or something. But recently I have had many sexual feelings towards someone else, feelings I never have with my husband. My husband is also very immature and selfish. He never validates my opinions and is very hard to talk to if I voice a problem with our relationship. He is an attorney and tries to be one during our conversations. Haha. He always makes me feel bad for the feelings I have and somehow always makes me feel like the guilty one when I am unhappy about something. He likes to play the martyr. I recently have fallen for someone else. I never thought this could happen because I was married and thought I was pretty happy. But I can't get this other guy out of my mind, and he feels the same about me too. I don't know what to do. I care about my husband and I don't want to hurt him, but I am just worried I will never fall in love with him again. If I truly loved him, I wouldn't spend all of my time wanting to be with someone else. How do I start to have discussions with my husband about this? He will make me feel horrible about this and I will ruin his life. I am so confused

Link to post
Share on other sites

You can't continue another relationship(emotional relationship) with another man and attempt to fix things with your husband as well. This is not realistic.

 

I'd suggest you cut ties with this other third party and stop communicating with him if you feel you want to work things out in your marriage. My personal opinion is that you made a promise and it was done willingly. If you simply walk out of your marriage now you'll regret it without even trying to salvage what's left or trying to fix anything. If this other man wasn't in the picture I'd happily tell you to re-evaluate your marriage and be honest with your husband that you are planning to leave. The fact that this other man is in the picture makes me believe that your thoughts and emotions are heavily clouded. Get all those clouds away before you make any decisions.

 

I'm also leery of another person who would have the gall to come between a married couple. You should be careful about the company you keep and be more careful about this other person. I don't feel he has your best interests at heart especially if he is aware how confused and frustrated you are. Someone with more sense and respect for you or even a general respect for the idea of commitment and marriage would step aside or give you plenty of room, or he wouldn't even be in the picture. I think he's bad company overall.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I believe that you hold resentment for him, even before you got married.

 

If after such a short time being married you feel this way, then there are deeper issues than what you have described.

 

I would recommend you two go to counseling together so you can express how he makes you feel in a safe environment. You said you've fallen for someone else, that tells me you are already acting on your feelings. Please think twice before you cheat on your husband, as that is the worst thing you could do

Link to post
Share on other sites
Not an arranged marriage. I think the thoughts of cheating come from my husband not being a good partner and not respecting me.

 

Because you’re clouded right now with someone else, you can’t really make an unbiased conclusion

 

Chicken or egg, impossible for you to know unless you remove the other man from the equation and have a serious discussion with your husband.

 

I’m not saying you’re wrong or that your feelings aren’t legitimate what I’m saying is you see the greener grass on the other side which is making you more eager to jump as another poster stated you’ve got your safety net so you get to monkey branch.

 

What you should do if you truly care about this other guy, end the affair, handle the unfinished business in your marriage. if you choose divorce allow time to recover emotionally, THEN date this other guy. If you don’t this new relationship has an incredibly high probability of failure. If you don’t care, then that’s a huge sign of you wanting this because it’s exciting and new and not love.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Your husband is a control freak, that's why he can't communicate with you, and does not respect you. You need to get him to counseling. A control freak is okay at work, but not with the spouse.

 

Perhaps then the love can be rebuilt, if it's not too far gone. But, it sounds like it might be?

 

Another possibility is, some women are not ready to love until they are 26 - 27.

 

At any rate, counseling is probably the only way to save the marriage, as he has a narcissistic disorder. Tough love does not work on crazy people.

 

Otherwise, you are probably looking at divorce. Then you can find someone you truly love.

 

By the way - how much involved are you with the other man?

Link to post
Share on other sites
But I can't get this other guy out of my mind, and he feels the same about me too.

 

You're far too vague for me to make any character assumptions about your husband. I don't know what you're complaining to him and telling him you're unhappy about. But that you'd get this far with another man at the very least would put you two on equal footing, not to mention it being a display of immaturity which makes it difficult to take the account of your marriage at face value. Put on your big girl pants and either address your marriage issues or put in the paperwork.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Not an arranged marriage. I think the thoughts of cheating come from my husband not being a good partner and not respecting me.

 

And I think that you thought of cheating because you have allowed yourself to breakdown romantic relationship boundaries and become vulnerable to the man you are fantasizing being in bed with.

 

I have been married to my husband for 2.5 years. We dated for about 4 years prior to getting married.
Surely you must have known that you didn't love your husband, nor have sexual feelings for him and had noticed that he was immature BEFORE you married him since you dated him for so long. Or: Did you only notice how unhappy you were once you had happy pants for this other guy?

 

If you did notice all those negative things about him before you married him they why on earth did you go ahead with such a commitment with him?

 

If you are going to dump your husband then do it because of the reasons you state here and not because you have some immature crush on a d-bag that would pursue you when he knew you were married. He's lacking good character and you're clearly not ready to be committing again until you have grown in emotional maturity and forms strong romantic relationship boundaries.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome to the human race. Did you think you're the first woman to get turned on by another man? Well, you're not. Just don't try to make it out to mean something other than lust. it's a bit early to rewrite your marriage at this point.

 

This new guy is a whack fantasy. Your husband? Apparently the ogre in the fantasy.

 

Stop interacting with a guy willing to intrude on a marriage.

 

Try to reconnect with your husband or leave, your choice. But don't cheat. it muddies the waters and removes you from having a moral standing in your life.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

If you don't have children do not have them unless you resolve your marital problems. It would also be wise to break up all communication with this new person. It is safe to say that anyone who is ok with breaking up a marriage is a very low quality individual. As long as you talk to this other man your GIGS will cloud your judgment and you will never give your marriage a proper chance.

 

Having said that, I did wonder whether your husband used your age gap to take advantage of your relationship inexperience to his advantage all these years. When you two met he was definitely at an advantage age-wise and it might be that he has been using this to manipulate you. Only you know whether this is the case or it's a case of you going through GIGS. Marriage is a commitment one should try to honor and couples counselling is probably warranted at this point. Either way, my advice would be to loose the third person. Your husband may indeed be in the wrong but this new person is not the solution nor a good prospect. Anyone who is willing ro help you cheat is nobody special.

Link to post
Share on other sites
This new guy is a whack fantasy. Your husband? Apparently the ogre in the fantasy.

 

True, nothing villainizes a spouse like a crush on someone else.

 

Stop interacting with a guy willing to intrude on a marriage.

 

Yep, it positions you badly in 3 ways: it clouds your ability to deal with husband at face value in order to learn whether your marriage is worth saving, it sets you up to idolize someone who puts his own immediate gratification above respect for the institution of marriage (which means that all marriages are an open playing field for him, so you could never trust him not to pursue affairs with other married women), and lastly, it sets both new guy and YOURSELF up to witness your capacity for disloyalty to a partner (which means that you'd forever regard yourself as untrustworthy, and he'd never be able to trust you, either--so it's all down hill from there.)

 

I'd skip that, and I'd put my focus on learning what I want to do with my marriage in it's own context, without contamination.

 

Try to reconnect with your husband or leave, your choice. But don't cheat. it muddies the waters and removes you from having a moral standing in your life.

 

Always finish old business before pursuing new, and you'll thank yourself later for the solid foundation that this buys you. While the term 'moral standing' above sounds like some vague moralistic finger wag, it's not--it's practical. Think about what it would do to your head if you demonstrate to your SELF that you cannot trust your own word.

 

Our word is the only 'real' thing that we can control. If we send ourselves the message that our word means nothing, we're sunk.

 

Don't do that to yourself. Operate, at very least, in ways that you can view as honest later. This doesn't mean you must uphold some extremely high bar that precludes you from ending a marriage if you're unhappy in it. It only means that you don't pull your own foundation out from underneath yourself by trying to justify becoming untrustworthy. If you go there, you will never be able to trust another person again, because you'll null your own ability to trust your own judgment. You'll assign an unconscious unworthiness to yourself that changes how you'll view the world and how you'll operate in it. This can drill you into a deeper hole to climb out of that can be unrecoverable.

 

Skip that, keep your ethical rudder in tact, and you WILL thank yourself later, regardless of outcomes.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh how many times have we all read how horrible a spouse is in the first few sentences and then poof! the other man/woman is mentioned.

 

At the least you are emotionally cheating and from what I read you are employing classic cheater tactics by blaming your husband. If he wasn't like he is you wouldn't be cheating is your defense but cheating is all on you so own it. You are cheating.

 

If you were that unhappy then why didn't you do something BEFORE the new guy came into the picture? Also like has been mentioned he is no catch if he is willing to help a married woman cheat. I am sure you have told him all kinds of stories about how unhappy you are and that the marriage was a mistake and is basically over but at the end of the day you are still married, your husband has no clue you want to divorce him and there has been no filing of divorce papers.

 

Tell your bf that he needs to take a hike so you can work out your own life and do things right and respectful to everyone involved. Tell your husband you want a divorce, wait until it is final, get your life going the way you would like it to be as a single person and THEN start dating. If you still think this guy is all that then give him a call. Be warned though, there are tons of people out there willing to fool around with a married person but once it gets real they disappear. When you are married he gets the fun and sex and your husband gets all the responsibility.

 

Do the right thing

Lost

Link to post
Share on other sites

jimthzz and lostandhurt have good posts.

 

It's been 10 years since my ex cheated on me, and it still hurts. If she instead divorced me, AND THEN found another guy I would not have had to go through the worst pain I have ever experienced.

Betrayal digs very deep wounds for your spouse.

 

Be honest with your husband and make choices that all people involved can handle.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 month later...

It sounds like the absence of a true marriage, and what you want it to be, is the reason why you have feelings for someone else.

 

It can be replaced with the feelings that you want with your own marriage, but you would need to let go of the other person and the feelings associated with it.

 

Have you considered some kind of professional help to establish your current situation, where you want to be and how to get there?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Isn't strange how someone looses all the feelings they have for their spouse AFTER they start cheating on them???

 

Step one. Stop all contact with this guy you are having the emotional affair with.

Step two. Find out how to start the divorce proceedings where you live.

Step three. Since he is an attorney you will need one as well unless he agrees to mediation.

Step four. File for divorce and work on it actively until it is final.

Step five. Make a life for yourself as a single person with no romantic entanglements.

Step six. Once you have been single for at least six months to a year consider dating. If this guy you are having the affair with is still around see where it goes.

 

Don't swing from one branch to another just because the limb you are on is messed up, you have no idea what the limb you are about to grab is like since your view is skewed.

 

Do the right thing. Stop cheating and get a divorce so you and your future ex husband can find happiness with someone else.

 

Lost

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...