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I love my fiancé but I think about another man all the time


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I am currently in a loving relationship of 2 years and we are now engaged. I love this man a lot and leaving him is a last resort. However, I have recently got back in contact with another man I once had a great connection and shared a very intimate night with. I’m constantly thinking of this other man, when I’m around him I become giddy and get very upset when I realise I can never experience being with him ever again. I want to get married and have a great life with my fiancé but I’m worried I’ll regret not telling the other man how I feel and potentially sharing another amazing night with him. I know that the other man and myself are not compatible like my fiancé and I so no relationship would ever come from it. Do I act or are there methods to stop me feeling this way?

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Valid questions and better now than later. If you are having second thoughts this badly, I think you owe your fiance an explanation and putting things on hold. At this point he doesn't deserve to be caught up in a loveless marriage with a deceptive person who's at this very moment speaking with another man who gives her butterflies.

 

This isn't only about what you should do for yourself. It's also what you should do as a whole out of respect for your fiance. I don't feel like you're prepared for the seriousness or weight of marriage and all that it requires. Call off the engagement if you need to or simply block and stop speaking to this other man. The decision at this point has to be straight from the bottom of your heart and no bs either. You're that close to spending the rest of your life with one person.

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Do me a favour and think about how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot? If your fiance came and said to you "I'm wondering if I'll be happy with this other woman so I'm going to explore it. Sorry but I can't help how I feel".

 

How do you think you'd feel?

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Major red flag if you feel this way about another man while you're engaged... not judging just a red flag in your relationship

 

Marriage won't make this any better.

 

How would you feel if he confessed he had these kinds of thoughts for an exgirlfriend???

 

If I were you, I would spend some time apart to work out whatever is going inside you. DO NOT cheat on your fiancee... cheating crushes people. I hope you make the right choice

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Over 30 years ago my friend went through this. Had been with her boyfriend for a few years - they met so young, as teenagers -when a wealthy handsome family friend expressed interest in her. She'd had a crush on him a ways back and he also seemed more successful, etc than her boyfriend. She did not cheat, she did not go on a date with him. She told her boyfriend and he told her he loved her and he wanted to be with her and she would have to choose. She did. She chose her boyfriend within a day or so. They got married in their early 20s, wildly in love and are happily married all these years later. I think her boyfriend was very understanding and that she was brave to tell him. I am glad she made the choice she did. (I did not tell her what to do if I can remember correctly). So, it can work. It depends on what your priorities are. If you do decide to have sex with this man please break up with your boyfriend first.

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I suppose it's a choice.

 

You want to risk losing your fiancé and throwing what you've worked hard to develop with him away by hooking up with some guy you shared one "intimate" night with?

 

And what, pray tell, happened with that guy?

 

Why was it only one night? Did he ghost you afterwards?

 

I get the attraction resurfacing but you need to think about what you risk losing by even entertaining the idea of being with him again.

 

It about commitment and it's about loyalty.

 

Like I said, it's a choice.

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Your bf deserves a lot better! How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

 

You need to let your bf go. You do not love or respect him; otherwise, you would not have reached out to this dude.

 

You are emotionally cheating on you bf.

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You can't have your cake and eat it too...it doesn't work that way.

 

You don't sound like you're ready for marriage and it sounds as though you haven't "sowed all your wild oats". That may be something that is not going to go away and will ruin your marriage down the line.

 

But you also have to realize, that you met the man you want to marry now. You can't place him on hold and go have a good time, nor should cheating ever be a possibility.

You don't cheat on someone you say you love, so please don't even consider it.

 

The only thing you can do, is talk to your fiance, tell him what kinds of feelings you're having. Be honest!!

You and he can then decide whether you and he should end things or take a break in order for you to follow your wants.

But there is a very good chance that you will lose him.

 

Still, if you're a decent person at all, you will tell him and talk to him about it and not cheat!

 

As for you trying to shut these feelings off, I'm not sure you can. If you're unsettled like this, I think it's fair to yourself and to your fiancee, that you sort this out before you even consider walking down the aisle.

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Do me a favour and think about how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot? If your fiance came and said to you "I'm wondering if I'll be happy with this other woman so I'm going to explore it. Sorry but I can't help how I feel".

 

How do you think you'd feel?

 

That's a very good thing to wonder about.

 

If your fiance came to you and told you that another girl caught his eye and he had slept with her and wanted more...how would you feel?

 

This isn't a small thing that you're thinking about..it could potentially destroy everything you have with him.

 

It could change the course of your life forever and possibly not in a good way at all.

 

Be very careful on what you choose.

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You sound impulsive OP, with a restless nature.

 

Are you sure you're ready for marriage cause those qualities don't bode well for long term committment.

 

I mean reaching out to some guy you had a one night stand with while engaged to be married?

 

Or maybe this is your attempt to self-sabotage? Have you considered this a possibility?

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What everyone else is saying.

 

I'd be really honest with yourself about how you feel about your fiancé—how ready you are, how sure you are about your compatibility with him. I'm not talking about all the reasons he's great, how great a partner he'll make, and how crushed you'd be to lose him. That's the easy part. I'm talking the stuff in your bones: those itches, those urges. They need to be sated for a relationship to be sustainable, or you need to feel confident that they can be sated inside the relationship.

 

No judgement, mind you. I'm someone who has waited a long time to even consider marriage—didn't seem realistic until I was about 35—and part of that is because when I was younger I just knew, deep down, I wasn't ready to commit to one person. My restless spirit needed to roam. I ended a big relationship with a spectacular woman for just that reason when I was 26—a heartbreaking chapter, but never one I've regretted. And I've had a spectacular woman end a relationship with me for similar reasons when I was 33—crushing, for both of us, but the right choice. The honest choice.

 

There's a lot of stigma to the idea of needing to "sow wild oats." It's seen as immature, the opposite of noble, whereas commitment and marriage are viewed as holy. You're rewarded for that choice socially, potentially criticized for choosing freedom, exploration. But to commit to a marriage in the hopes that it will just quell those urges, or solve compatibility issues—well, not ideal, not really noble. At 39 I'm old enough to see where the marriages of some of my friends ended up who jumped in hoping it would "fix" things or "fix" themselves. Not pretty. In fact, not all of them are still married, as our true selves don't do well when constrained.

 

At the end of the day, I don't think having a crush on someone is that big a deal, for the record. It may very well happen inside a marriage. Where I'd be concerned is that you're upset at the the thought you can't engage in it. That to me speaks to something larger than just this guy and a special night you shared in a different life—something you may not even be able to define right now.

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Marriage is about commitment. You're choosing that person above all others, through thick and thin, and yes, even when you feel powerful attraction to another.

 

Something this small shaking your resolve is a huge red flag. Whatever you do, don't cheat on your partner.

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I think that having a crush or attraction to someone else other than your partner is actually normal. We are only human and we are also visual creatures so most of the time we can't help being attracted to various people. I would be seriously surprised if people in relationships never looked or thought about anyone else. The point is though if you're in a serious relationship, you need to really make a commitment and be at peace with the fact that you can't hook up with or date other people at the same time.

 

I mean sure maybe in your mind you can fantasize about other people. But unless you have a particular agreement with your partner about seeing other people (e.g. open/poly relationship), you need to accept that you can't cheat.

 

Can I also point out that it kind of sounds like you're living in fantasy land regarding that guy. You are saying you'd be sad to miss an opportunity to hook up with him or date him, but how do you know if he'd even want that? You're saying you "reconnected" with him but that was not because he WANTED to. That was just coincidental because you ended up working together by chance. You'd spent only one night with that guy and then he never contacted you after that, right? Or at least you never ended up dating? So what that tells me is that he didn't actually want to see you again. With mobile phones and social media these days, there is no reason why he couldn't have looked you up the past few years. But he hadn't done that, had he? So I think the writing is on the wall here.

 

You don't even really need to have closure about how this guy would feel if you told him you were into him. You already have the closure, he wasn't interested in you before. A lot of people are happy to have sex with someone for pleasure but if it was only a one night stand, I wouldn't think he had any interest in you beyond sex. He is single so if you offered him sex again he might take it. I mean, why not if you are willing. Doesn't mean he cares about you as more than just an f buddy. Or he might even turn you down because A) You're engaged now; and B) It's been a few years and he's forgotten all about you.

 

Be mindful of the fact that this amazing "connection" that you think you have with him is most likely only on your part. Also I don't understand how you think you have a great connection with someone you only slept with once. Sex is not connection. You have a fiance who loves you, wants to marry you and spend the rest of his life with you. You're saying you feel the same so THAT is real connection.

 

I understand that a strong crush may not go away. I can actually totally relate to you because I have a massive crush on my fiance's male colleague. I think he's not interested in me but not too sure coz I've never actually said anything to anyone about it except my best friend. I basically don't plan on saying anything about it either.

 

Look if you just need to get it off your chest, you could tell this guy how you feel. Maybe if he rejects you it'll help you move on. But if he doesn't reject you, keep in mind that most likely his interest in you would be only sex. He only used you for sex in the past and now you're actually engaged so he would just see you as a cheater and have no respect for you. Let's be realistic, you would be trying to cheat on your FIANCE, I doubt that guy would see you as girlfriend material. Because if someone is cheating, they could also cheat on him.

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Your fiancé is certainly very important to you, otherwise you wouldn't be seeking advice.

 

No judgement on my end, merely some observations:

 

It seems to me that the way this other man makes you feel represents something that you desire. In what way does he make you giddy?

I’m constantly thinking of this other man, when I’m around him I become giddy and get very upset when I realise I can never experience being with him ever again.

 

You also mentioned that

I have recently got back in contact with another man I once had a great connection.
How so? What made the connection great?
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I think that having a crush or attraction to someone else other than your partner is actually normal. We are only human and we are also visual creatures so most of the time we can't help being attracted to various people. I would be seriously surprised if people in relationships never looked or thought about anyone else. The point is though if you're in a serious relationship, you need to really make a commitment and be at peace with the fact that you can't hook up with or date other people at the same time.

 

I mean sure maybe in your mind you can fantasize about other people. But unless you have a particular agreement with your partner about seeing other people (e.g. open/poly relationship), you need to accept that you can't cheat.

 

Can I also point out that it kind of sounds like you're living in fantasy land regarding that guy. You are saying you'd be sad to miss an opportunity to hook up with him or date him, but how do you know if he'd even want that? You're saying you "reconnected" with him but that was not because he WANTED to. That was just coincidental because you ended up working together by chance. You'd spent only one night with that guy and then he never contacted you after that, right? Or at least you never ended up dating? So what that tells me is that he didn't actually want to see you again. With mobile phones and social media these days, there is no reason why he couldn't have looked you up the past few years. But he hadn't done that, had he? So I think the writing is on the wall here.

 

You don't even really need to have closure about how this guy would feel if you told him you were into him. You already have the closure, he wasn't interested in you before. A lot of people are happy to have sex with someone for pleasure but if it was only a one night stand, I wouldn't think he had any interest in you beyond sex. He is single so if you offered him sex again he might take it. I mean, why not if you are willing. Doesn't mean he cares about you as more than just an f buddy. Or he might even turn you down because A) You're engaged now; and B) It's been a few years and he's forgotten all about you.

 

Be mindful of the fact that this amazing "connection" that you think you have with him is most likely only on your part. Also I don't understand how you think you have a great connection with someone you only slept with once. Sex is not connection. You have a fiance who loves you, wants to marry you and spend the rest of his life with you. You're saying you feel the same so THAT is real connection.

 

I understand that a strong crush may not go away. I can actually totally relate to you because I have a massive crush on my fiance's male colleague. I think he's not interested in me but not too sure coz I've never actually said anything to anyone about it except my best friend. I basically don't plan on saying anything about it either.

 

Look if you just need to get it off your chest, you could tell this guy how you feel. Maybe if he rejects you it'll help you move on. But if he doesn't reject you, keep in mind that most likely his interest in you would be only sex. He only used you for sex in the past and now you're actually engaged so he would just see you as a cheater and have no respect for you. Let's be realistic, you would be trying to cheat on your FIANCE, I doubt that guy would see you as girlfriend material. Because if someone is cheating, they could also cheat on him.

 

This 100% hit the nail on the head I actually used to get scared that I had crushes on people other than my man, I used to think maybe this means I don't love him etc. But then I realized that love is not so much a feeling as it is a choice. I choose to marry him, I choose to committ to him every day. In all good times and yes bad aswell as there will be bad times. Cheating on someone you chose to love is a cowards way out.

 

Instead of cheating just say you aren't happy. And no I dont mean after you've already cheated. It's ok to be unhappy with someone but don't look to someone else to work out why you're unhappy and for a way out but look within yourself instead.

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If my fiancee felt as you do about another man, I would sure want to know about it BEFORE I married her.

 

Most likely I would end the engagement.

 

Finding such a thing out AFTER? I would consider that a deliberate act of cruelty and cowardice that would indicate the course of our life together.

 

If you respect the man you say you want to marry, then tell him what is going on.

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If my fiancee felt as you do about another man, I would sure want to know about it BEFORE I married her.

 

Most likely I would end the engagement.

 

Finding such a thing out AFTER? I would consider that a deliberate act of cruelty and cowardice that would indicate the course of our life together.

 

If you respect the man you say you want to marry, then tell him what is going on.

 

Exactly what someone who I know said when this happened to him. He said he's glad he found out before getting married as much as he's hurting, it would be worse if they had have married.

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Imo, there is something missing from your relationship and you shouldn't marry. Thinking of throwing it all down the drain for a night with a crush who isn't even relationship material indicates that you don't value your fiance like you are supposed to value a future spouse. Break up. You don't value the guy you are with enough for it to last through sickness and health, yadda yadda yadda.

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When I’m around the other man I feel giddy because he is the kind of man that I never though would even give me a second look (I’m the nerd whereas he’s the jock sort of thing) and so I think it’s more i appreciate him giving me the attention he did.

A few years ago because the intimate night the other man and I were actually very good friends, he would call me all the time about work assignments and just to check if I were alright (I was diagnosed with the serve health condition then), it was the run up to the night that built up the connection, but as mentioned in a previous post, he never connected me after, there is a huge chance all these feelings are one sided and I’m not prepared to lose my fiancé, not for a silly school girl moment.

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