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So, my entire life, one thing has been driving me nuts... my name.

My parents thought it would be fun to give me a super unique hyphenated combination of my mom and my 2 aunt's first name, followed by a middle name that nobody on earth has ever heard of, yet can pronounce. I've had to live with it for 33 years now and I'm done.

I reached out to my parents to tell them im thinking about changing my name, cited my reasons and asked for their blessing. They said "if it would make you happy, we are A-Okay with it, you are an adult".

So the following day I submitted the paperwork and changed my name!

 

Well today I texted my mom asking for some advice on a financial matter and she informed me we no longer have a relationship, I am to quit contacting her and she is closing the joined savings account we have together (it was for college, I never use it)

I ignored the texts, and assumed she was drunk again and was just on a bitter immature rant but I am quite hurt she would basically disown her daughter for trying to be happier and live a better life.

 

For the record, I'm 33, married, own a house and live 4 hours away from my family.

 

What do I do?

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I think your mother's hurt is quite temporary. I wouldn't worry about it.

 

Give her some time. You DID run it by her before you did it. It's not like you did it behind her back and then tried to hide it from her.

 

Did you put any money into the joint savings account?

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why would someone do this to a child? I can see saving a creative name or a really out of date name that was your great grandma's or a middle name - but an outlandish name out front?

 

In all fairness, I think mom was shocked - because "I am thinking about doing" something and "i am doing something" are different. "i am thinking about moving to China" usually does not mean you have a plane ticket dated tomorrow. It usually means that you are mulling it over and want to field input -- it might be 6 months from now - it might be 6 years from now, it might be something you decide against. You are weighing the pros and cons. It probably was a big shock that it turned out that you were not just thinking -- you already had an appointment to have it done the next day. It was a done deal and the conversation was just basically a warning

 

Let mom get over the shock and surprise -- it may be that she never thought you were serious. or she might not have had time to let it percolate.

She very well may come around

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I'm not sure why you would ask your mother who is prone to substance (alcohol) abuse for financial advice. Leave her alone to sort through her own issues. Extremes in nature rarely last. She'll come around. Just keep her at a safe distance and sort out your own problems regarding your finances.

 

I wouldn't be bothered too much about her reaction only because it seems there are bigger issues at play here (alcoholism and unpredictable personality).

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You were kind to even let your mother know about your desire to change your name, but you know what? You're an adult, and you don't need her permission to do anything. She's the one acting like she's your child with her behavior.

 

She's doing you a favor in closing this account, which frankly, should have been closed a decade ago. As an adult, you no longer should have a financial tie to her anyway.

 

If she wants to disown you, let her. She's the one who loses here, not you. You lose an alcoholic who has tied you to her financially with a pittance of an account, and saddled you for a lifetime with a difficult name. She loses an amazing daughter and son-in-law. When people want to storm away like this, let 'em. I don't care that it's your mother. She's acting like a 4 year-old.

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why would someone do this to a child? I can see saving a creative name or a really out of date name that was your great grandma's or a middle name - but an outlandish name out front?

 

In all fairness, I think mom was shocked - because "I am thinking about doing" something and "i am doing something" are different. "i am thinking about moving to China" usually does not mean you have a plane ticket dated tomorrow. It usually means that you are mulling it over and want to field input -- it might be 6 months from now - it might be 6 years from now, it might be something you decide against. You are weighing the pros and cons. It probably was a big shock that it turned out that you were not just thinking -- you already had an appointment to have it done the next day. It was a done deal and the conversation was just basically a warning

 

Let mom get over the shock and surprise -- it may be that she never thought you were serious. or she might not have had time to let it percolate.

She very well may come around

 

You might be better off answering the email and just telling her thanks for the divorce. Just kidding ... but only about actually emailing her.

 

I'm not sure why you would ask your mother who is prone to substance (alcohol) abuse for financial advice. Leave her alone to sort through her own issues. Extremes in nature rarely last. She'll come around. Just keep her at a safe distance and sort out your own problems regarding your finances.

 

I wouldn't be bothered too much about her reaction only because it seems there are bigger issues at play here (alcoholism and unpredictable personality).

 

She is a bank manager, that's why 🙄

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I have a weird first name and I have ALWAYS hated it. I should have changed it at age 18 when I could legally have done so, but I didnt. My mother loved my name. It's old English, I've only ever met one other person with the same name. It's caused me much grief. Years ago my husband said - it's too late to change it now - like I am too old to do that! I should have ignored him too!

 

Bottom line is you are free to call yourself whatever you want to. Your mother's drinking problem is likely at the root of her anger to your audacity to change your name, even tho you told her about it. Just move on with your life, give her time to calm down. Like other people here I think she'll get over it, and if she doesnt, it's her loss. I hope you are happy with your new name.

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Get into therapy and learn about boundaries and resulting issues with alcoholic/dysfunctional families. Several all unnecessary ties with your mother. be polite, kind yet do not get sucked into hatred and craziness and this over enmeshment you've had for way too long. Get to some Al anon meetings to help you cope with how to stop the vicious cycle you and she have been in. Especially make sure you aren't drinking.

 

Stop focusing on petty nonsense such as you don't like your given name. Who cares? You could have used a nickname or changed it, years ago. It's bizarre that you still have joint accounts, claim she's a drunk and your worst concern is that you finally legally changed your name?

she is closing the joined savings account we have together

assumed she was drunk again

For the record, I'm 33, married, own a house

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I have the opposite problem. My first name is so common that there were always 4 or 5 of us with the same name in every class and I regularly get emails at work that are not meant for me. I am regularly referred to as FirstName FirstLetterOfLastName. Or simply by my last name. It’s annoying.

 

Anyways - it’s clear that your mother is hurt.

 

Personally, I wouldn’t do anything. I wouldn’t escalate further and make it more of a thing. Like a child, I would simply ignore her tantrum. Give her space. Let her get over it. When you call to catch up, ask to speak to your dad for a while. This too shall pass. I just wouldn’t feed any more energy into it than has to be. You are entitled to change your name.

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Give her time and space. She'll come around eventually. If she doesn't, then live your own settled life.

 

She's an alcoholic with a volatile temperament. Her mindset is unstable. If she cannot and will not accept your choices in life, it's her problem, not yours. You go on and continue as you've always done with your marriage, home life and live it. It's to your advantage that you're 4 hrs apart. Geography is in your favor. Being close is way overrated not to mention the risk of unnecessary drama.

 

You don't have to please anyone including your mother.

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