Want to leave husband but don't want to break his heart and hurt our son

[Batya33]

JValentine, why don't you seek out some private counseling of your own. It will help you put things into perspective before you make any decisions, and also give you some tools in how to communicate to your husband about your feelings in a more constructive way.

 

But it's all great now -didn't you see? I otherwise would agree with you.

[Hollyj]

I am totally confused!!!

[JValentine]

I meant everything I've said this whole thread. He's a great man and I could do a lot worse. I'm definitely not in love with him but i love him to death. When I'm with him, things aren't so bad. I'll push the feelings down and theyll crop up again in 6 months or so. Sorry to confuse people. I'm a bit up and down! :(

[JValentine]

JValentine, why don't you seek out some private counseling of your own. It will help you put things into perspective before you make any decisions, and also give you some tools in how to communicate to your husband about your feelings in a more constructive way.

 

I definitely want to do this.

[Nickel Speed]

I don’t feel shame for cheeeing on a poster for defending herself against guilt trips. You’re right he was worse but you did it too. Just more subtly. You feel I’m projecting but that’s exactly what you did to her which is what my response states.

 

I don’t dislike you. I think you’re in pain and lash out when challenged, but I don’t have anything against you. I found the verbiage and guilting used was incredibly sexist so I stated as much. Nothing against you personally, I meant what I said.

 

I demand to see where I said anything of the sort. You are projecting. Either that or you lack some serious reading comprehension.

 

Now you are backtracking and still insisting I said something I never said. Where was I sexist? I want to see it.

[Nickel Speed]

Good for you valentine.

 

Shame on male posters who are angry and saying to her what they want to say to their ex wives.

 

 

 

I've stated nothing sexist. My advice would be the same to a male poster.

 

However, you challenging the fact that I gave advice (the same advice you repeated) simply because I am a male? This is far more sexist than anything I have stated.

[Nickel Speed]

I meant everything I've said this whole thread. He's a great man and I could do a lot worse. I'm definitely not in love with him but i love him to death. When I'm with him, things aren't so bad. I'll push the feelings down and theyll crop up again in 6 months or so. Sorry to confuse people. I'm a bit up and down! :(

 

Keep an open dialogue and clearly communicate your problems with him. Work to find solutions. Don't hint. Be straight forward with your narrative. If necessary, go to counseling together and learn effective communication skills. If he's upset at the idea of losing you, he will go.

[figureitout23]

Dude let it go. And DMing me “growing tired of you”? Use the block button if it’s this serious for you...

 

The OPer got the help she needed that’s the point of this thread.

[Nickel Speed]

Dude let it go. And DMing me? Use the block button if it’s this serious for you...

 

The OPer got the help she needed that’s the point of this thread.

 

I see you can find no evidence of your false accusations.

 

Yes. You need to stop twisting my words around to fit your own narrative. I DMed you to try to resolve this and to keep the conversation out of this thread.

 

I do not wish to be misquoted and attacked by you on a regular basis.

 

It's bad enough that you have tried to rally forum members against me on my own thread. Now you do it here as well? You lumped me in with someone I don't agree with in the slightest.

According to you, I'm sexist because I have a penis.

 

It was the point of this thread, so why did you chose to derail it with fiction?

[abitbroken]

I meant everything I've said this whole thread. He's a great man and I could do a lot worse. I'm definitely not in love with him but i love him to death. When I'm with him, things aren't so bad. I'll push the feelings down and theyll crop up again in 6 months or so. Sorry to confuse people. I'm a bit up and down! :(

 

Couples who were fiercely attracted to eachother sometimes find that after many years of marriage they are not hot for eachother's bods as they once were. Why not try to light a spark? How about some romance. I you love him to death, he's a wonderful husband and father and the only thing missing is you wish there was this great lust -- then see what you can do about it. I mean, you have nothing to lose. If you leave him, will you have this whirlwind affair with a handsome stranger? Or will you regret leaving what you had all along?

[Batya33]

I meant everything I've said this whole thread. He's a great man and I could do a lot worse. I'm definitely not in love with him but i love him to death. When I'm with him, things aren't so bad. I'll push the feelings down and theyll crop up again in 6 months or so. Sorry to confuse people. I'm a bit up and down! :(

 

So would you want him to stay married to you if he wasn't in love with you and never was in love with you? Is that what you want for your son when it comes time for him to choose a partner? I can relate to the up and down -I stayed in an unhealthy relationship for 7 years and talked myself out of leaving too many times. He was a great guy and not right for me. Luckily I left in the nick of time to meet someone else and fulfil my dream of being a mom.

 

I could not agree more that if you can ignite a spark that would be awesome -that can happen!!

[ninjabib]

If you REALLY don't love him then i agree you should end things but is it that time has taken it's toll and that spark is gone? Or was it really NEVER there? I find that hard to believe.

 

I would recommend councilling and COMMUNICATING. If these dont change things then of course it is your right to leave, your husband and child will be fine (in the long term) if you separate.

 

Just make sure that it's not just a case of the grass is greener as you are in your 30's and wondering what if.

 

Definitely do not cheat. That would be awful and he does not deserve that at all.

[relevart]

You were not respectful, you insinuated, no wait that was the other poster, you flat out said she was being selfish because she’s unhappy in her marriage and wants a divorce, you told her she was failing her children and put the whole coparenting system on her shoulders.

 

You’re projecting your pain onto her.

 

She states she already feels guilt, which honestly she shouldn’t.

 

That was the point of my response, NO ONE man or woman should feel guilty for leaving a situation they are unhappy in. No one.

 

Should they think seriously before they make that decision? Absolutely! Should they consider counseling to make sure it’s the right decision? Yes! But feel guilt? Absolutely not.

You know, I had to go back and reread everything I wrote. I was not expecting to have to say tis. I see your point. I did start off hard with the OP. I did call her selfish. I thought I was offering an alternate view, one from the man's point as well as the kids, but I came off as brash and all-knowing. I may be brash, but I am far from all-knowing. So I want to apologize to the OP for how I put things and apologize o the other posters for having part of what turned into a hijack thread. As much as I wish it were not true, I was indeed projecting my feelings onto the OP and her situation.

 

Again, I am sorry. I wish the OP luck. It is a bad position to be in.

[chocolate_86]

People like you will never be happy. You just want to blindside him and he deserves better.

 

You won't ever have those fuzzy feelings for ever with whoever you're with because it's not real life.

 

I've been with my fiance for 5 years. I don't have any fuzzy feelings, they were replaced by genuine love and happiness when things got boring and monotonous when we moved in together. We even fight out of frustration occasionally.

 

I love how we can just sit around for hours and do nothing together. I love how when I'm upset he is so full of genuine care for me. And my family too.

 

I have had crushes while we've been together. But I would never cheat on him. If I'm looking another its because its human nature and that's that. I'm not acting on it when I have him waiting for me at home because I don't want to.

 

It amazes me how many jump from one to another and never realize that they are the problem with what their ideal is and how unrealistic it is. Movies aren't real life. There is no happily ever after it's 100% commitment and hard work every day.

[Afireblue]

My best friend was in a similar situation, married 17 years, 3 kids, lazy husband who had no hobbies or friends of his own. Nice guy, she had simply outgrown their relationship. IT HAPPENS!

 

She started going to therapy on her own as she thought it was her who was the problem, then tried couples therapy.

 

Well, through all that therapy she found the answers she was looking for, in her case, it was best to leave. He wasn't blindsided, as everything that was wrong in their marriage had come out in therapy, however, he tried to change, to win her back, all to no use. When she finally told him it was over, he was devastated, he had really hoped that they could fix their relationship. It was a process, but he, after a few months joined a singles group and found support and is now dating a lovely lady and my friend has a new wonderful boyfriend.

 

What I'm trying to say is I understand you, I had kids very young as well, and I missed out on a lot. When I turned 30, I was a different woman. My friend felt the same. She started dating right away (it was too soon imo) but everybody process things differently.

 

There is no way that your husband won't be hurt, your son will be affected, it is, after all, a huge change. But it will depend on how you handle things if this is going to be a nasty, or amicable separation.

 

Wish you good luck

[figureitout23]

You know, I had to go back and reread everything I wrote. I was not expecting to have to say tis. I see your point. I did start off hard with the OP. I did call her selfish. I thought I was offering an alternate view, one from the man's point as well as the kids, but I came off as brash and all-knowing. I may be brash, but I am far from all-knowing. So I want to apologize to the OP for how I put things and apologize o the other posters for having part of what turned into a hijack thread. As much as I wish it were not true, I was indeed projecting my feelings onto the OP and her situation.

 

Again, I am sorry. I wish the OP luck. It is a bad position to be in.

 

Wow thank you for this and I’m sorry about what you’re going through. Believe it or not while I have not endured your exact situation I have gone through a divorce, and it’s no doubt one of the hardest things emotionally I ever endured. Take things one day at a time. You’re going to come out the other side and as painful as it is to be away from them, my first major holiday withouy my kid, I cried like a baby, but as long as your kids know you are there for them no matter what, they’re going to be ok! You raise them right they will make it through and so will you, I promise.

 

Agree OPer apologies for thread highjacking.

[Batya33]

People like you will never be happy. You just want to blindside him and he deserves better.

 

You won't ever have those fuzzy feelings for ever with whoever you're with because it's not real life.

 

I've been with my fiance for 5 years. I don't have any fuzzy feelings, they were replaced by genuine love and happiness when things got boring and monotonous when we moved in together. We even fight out of frustration occasionally.

 

I love how we can just sit around for hours and do nothing together. I love how when I'm upset he is so full of genuine care for me. And my family too.

 

I have had crushes while we've been together. But I would never cheat on him. If I'm looking another its because its human nature and that's that. I'm not acting on it when I have him waiting for me at home because I don't want to.

 

It amazes me how many jump from one to another and never realize that they are the problem with what their ideal is and how unrealistic it is. Movies aren't real life. There is no happily ever after it's 100% commitment and hard work every day.

 

To me it's essential that the spark was there and that both people know it was and that it can be reignited during those hard times or lull times. That's real life to me -not movies. Certainly there are people who are hot for each other forever, intensely, constantly -that's their thing and that's great too. I almost married men I loved but wasn't in love with, men I thought highly of and wasn't in love with -but was in love at times with the idea of marriage, the idea of motherhood for sure. I'm glad I didn't. It wouldn't have been fair. Yes, today, I am fighting a cold, I am tired and am probably too excited about getting my housework done tonight, prepping for tomorrow morning and going to bed. To sleep. And if I also knew that was because I had never been in love with or attracted to my husband that would weigh on me most likely. It would seem like settling ,unfair, wrong. Knowing that we click in that way, connect in that way, that even if it's under the surface of parenting, sleep deprivation, work stress, etc - it is there, it can come to the surface (perhaps with some effort, other times not) and that is the glue that holds us together. I think that glue is essential. Certainly for arranged marriages or marriages of convenience it's not.

[rchubn]

Hi all,

 

I have no one to talk to about this and really need to get this off my chest and see if anyone has any advice?

 

I have been with my husband for 15 years (I'm 33) married for 8 years and we have a 14 year old son together.

 

As you may have noticed I got pregnant very young very quickly. We decided to give it a go together. I was going to leave him before I realised I was pregnant! Husband is the kindest most gentle laid back man. He is quite lazy and ignorant, but has never hurt me whatsoever. I have never found him attractive, I found his personality attractive.

 

He is so laid back it is impossible to argue with him! He's just very passive and evasive/ignorant.

 

Past few years I have started to look at other men. I am missing something in our relationship, that spark. I feel that I love him so very much, but not the way a wife should. I'm not IN love with him and don't think I ever have been!!

 

He doesn't light the fire in my belly! I shudder and pull away if he tries to kiss me, be intimate, but I do do my wifely duties but do imagine he's someone else!!

 

I've thought about this for hours on end, I've pictured him kissing another woman, and I feel nothing. If anything, I say good, he deserves someone who loves him the way he loves me.

 

We own our own home and I am the main earner but we split everything 50/50.

 

I love our family life together, we have holidays planned with friends and we like similar things. I don't want to be in a sexual relationship with him anymore but I don't want to take his home and family life away from him.

 

I've always thought to myself over the years, I'll wait till our son is 16 and I'll go.

 

But, my husband has nowhere to go? His useless father wouldn't have him. I don't want to take my son away from him but I am living a lie. I truly care about him, he is my best friend but, emotionally and sexually, I feel nothing.

 

I don't know what to do :(

 

I'm going to ruin everything but I am missing out on a real love?

 

Sorry this is so long xx

In order for you to live life to the fullest, you need to be happy and feel something. You cannot live life living a lie and depriving yourself from the love you deserve. This won't make you a good person, a good mother, a good daughter...good friend...etc.

 

Listen here: In order to be your best self, you NEED to be happy. You cannot live a life you're not committed to. It's not fair to you. It's not fair to your husband. It's not fair to your son.

 

You need to find someone you absolutely adore and your husband needs to find someone who wants to be with him and commit to him. You say you're hurting him now but keeping him tied to but you have no intentions of loving him the way a spouse should be loved, you need to let him go. For the sake of his happiness and your own.

 

As for your son? He might be angry at first... Or sad... but as he gets older and starts creating relationships himself, he'll realize that marriage isn't easy and sometimes things don't work out. Regaining happiness is the best thing you can teach your son.

 

This will sound blunt but your husbands wellbeing after breaking up isn't your concern. He'll be your ex and he'll be very unhappy with you. He will need to push through this and deal with this on his own with his own individual support system and there's nothing you can do to mend that hurt but if you're unhappy it's a means to an end.

 

 

The best think you can do is reflect. Can you fix this with therapy? Are you guys just going through a rough few years? Distance makes the heart grow fonder, if you separate for a few months can this be fixed?

 

Either way, you're to the point where you can identify what's not working and you're able to realize that some relationships aren't forever. Sometimes fate gives you more than one love. Right now you're walking towards a door and you're realizing that although your husband walked you to the door, he might not walk through it with you.

 

You should stabilize your life and make attempts to get out of that situatuon. You may run into anger, sadness, money issues ...etc but you need to start making attempts to reclaim your happiness no matter how small the progress is. At least you're TRYING to save your shot at happiness.

[SherrySher]

Don't live a life that is only trying to please someone else and ignoring your happiness for theirs.

 

That's not a life, that's a prison sentence.

 

You need to divorce, OP. I understand that this will break your husbands heart and it will be hard on your son.

 

You sound like a very sensitive woman with how you realize this and how much it's bothering you.

 

But you can't and should not continue on with a marriage that is not real and makes you feel this way.

 

You have traded in your life for someone else's happiness for a long time now. It's time you put yourself first and went and found your own life.

 

I don't think you're selfish at all. You raised your child, you were a good wife, you tried to love him and be good to him.

 

You're not a bad person.

[Wiseman2]

Usually "Love my spouse/family...but [fill in the blank "we are like roommates", "they ignore me", etc] is all about wanting to cheat and justifying it. In other words, you're bored complacent and becoming increasingly resentful and impatient, yet you don't want to lose the security blanket or shake up the status quo.

 

Most often there is a list of complaints such as "he's too laid back" etc followed by ..."there is this guy at work....". Obviously you know there are only 2 answers. Divorce or stay. If you stay, try marriage therapy and improving the quality of your own life. If you want out, consult an attorney and review your options.

I have started to look at other men.

[ninjabib]

Yes, there is never any justification for cheating. If you don't love someone then you leave decently and don't screw them over.

[JValentine]

So would you want him to stay married to you if he wasn't in love with you and never was in love with you? Is that what you want for your son when it comes time for him to choose a partner? I can relate to the up and down -I stayed in an unhealthy relationship for 7 years and talked myself out of leaving too many times. He was a great guy and not right for me. Luckily I left in the nick of time to meet someone else and fulfil my dream of being a mom.

 

I could not agree more that if you can ignite a spark that would be awesome -that can happen!!

 

Hi, not I would not want him to stay with me if he felt like that. I'm going to try, try to feel that magic with him.

 

You know, I had to go back and reread everything I wrote. I was not expecting to have to say tis. I see your point. I did start off hard with the OP. I did call her selfish. I thought I was offering an alternate view, one from the man's point as well as the kids, but I came off as brash and all-knowing. I may be brash, but I am far from all-knowing. So I want to apologize to the OP for how I put things and apologize o the other posters for having part of what turned into a hijack thread. As much as I wish it were not true, I was indeed projecting my feelings onto the OP and her situation.

 

Again, I am sorry. I wish the OP luck. It is a bad position to be in.

 

Thank you for this. Best of luck for your healing.

 

People like you will never be happy. You just want to blindside him and he deserves better.

 

You won't ever have those fuzzy feelings for ever with whoever you're with because it's not real life.

 

I've been with my fiance for 5 years. I don't have any fuzzy feelings, they were replaced by genuine love and happiness when things got boring and monotonous when we moved in together. We even fight out of frustration occasionally.

 

I love how we can just sit around for hours and do nothing together. I love how when I'm upset he is so full of genuine care for me. And my family too.

 

I have had crushes while we've been together. But I would never cheat on him. If I'm looking another its because its human nature and that's that. I'm not acting on it when I have him waiting for me at home because I don't want to.

 

It amazes me how many jump from one to another and never realize that they are the problem with what their ideal is and how unrealistic it is. Movies aren't real life. There is no happily ever after it's 100% commitment and hard work every day.

 

This is bs. Again. "People like you?!" You don't know me!! "Jump from one to another" !! I have given nearly half my life to this man! Over 15 years??! I would NEVER cheat on him. 5 years is nothing. Talk to me in another 10..

[JValentine]

My best friend was in a similar situation, married 17 years, 3 kids, lazy husband who had no hobbies or friends of his own. Nice guy, she had simply outgrown their relationship. IT HAPPENS!

 

She started going to therapy on her own as she thought it was her who was the problem, then tried couples therapy.

 

Well, through all that therapy she found the answers she was looking for, in her case, it was best to leave. He wasn't blindsided, as everything that was wrong in their marriage had come out in therapy, however, he tried to change, to win her back, all to no use. When she finally told him it was over, he was devastated, he had really hoped that they could fix their relationship. It was a process, but he, after a few months joined a singles group and found support and is now dating a lovely lady and my friend has a new wonderful boyfriend.

 

What I'm trying to say is I understand you, I had kids very young as well, and I missed out on a lot. When I turned 30, I was a different woman. My friend felt the same. She started dating right away (it was too soon imo) but everybody process things differently.

 

There is no way that your husband won't be hurt, your son will be affected, it is, after all, a huge change. But it will depend on how you handle things if this is going to be a nasty, or amicable separation.

 

Wish you good luck

 

Thank you for this. I am a million miles different from the girl I was 15 years ago.

 

In order for you to live life to the fullest, you need to be happy and feel something. You cannot live life living a lie and depriving yourself from the love you deserve. This won't make you a good person, a good mother, a good daughter...good friend...etc.

 

Listen here: In order to be your best self, you NEED to be happy. You cannot live a life you're not committed to. It's not fair to you. It's not fair to your husband. It's not fair to your son.

 

You need to find someone you absolutely adore and your husband needs to find someone who wants to be with him and commit to him. You say you're hurting him now but keeping him tied to but you have no intentions of loving him the way a spouse should be loved, you need to let him go. For the sake of his happiness and your own.

 

As for your son? He might be angry at first... Or sad... but as he gets older and starts creating relationships himself, he'll realize that marriage isn't easy and sometimes things don't work out. Regaining happiness is the best thing you can teach your son.

 

This will sound blunt but your husbands wellbeing after breaking up isn't your concern. He'll be your ex and he'll be very unhappy with you. He will need to push through this and deal with this on his own with his own individual support system and there's nothing you can do to mend that hurt but if you're unhappy it's a means to an end.

 

 

The best think you can do is reflect. Can you fix this with therapy? Are you guys just going through a rough few years? Distance makes the heart grow fonder, if you separate for a few months can this be fixed?

 

Either way, you're to the point where you can identify what's not working and you're able to realize that some relationships aren't forever. Sometimes fate gives you more than one love. Right now you're walking towards a door and you're realizing that although your husband walked you to the door, he might not walk through it with you.

 

You should stabilize your life and make attempts to get out of that situatuon. You may run into anger, sadness, money issues ...etc but you need to start making attempts to reclaim your happiness no matter how small the progress is. At least you're TRYING to save your shot at happiness.

 

Hi, thank you very much for your input. We're going to give it a good shot at falling in love again. Your reply really speaks to me!!

 

Don't live a life that is only trying to please someone else and ignoring your happiness for theirs.

 

That's not a life, that's a prison sentence.

 

You need to divorce, OP. I understand that this will break your husbands heart and it will be hard on your son.

 

You sound like a very sensitive woman with how you realize this and how much it's bothering you.

 

But you can't and should not continue on with a marriage that is not real and makes you feel this way.

 

You have traded in your life for someone else's happiness for a long time now. It's time you put yourself first and went and found your own life.

 

I don't think you're selfish at all. You raised your child, you were a good wife, you tried to love him and be good to him.

 

You're not a bad person.

 

Thank you xx

[boltnrun]

Look, the option to stay married but live separate lives is a bad one IMO.

 

I mean, why stay married?

 

My ex husband and I did that for a while. I asked him for TWO YEARS to work with me, to try to make the marriage one that we both could be content with. But he flat out told me "I'm not going to do anything to fix it. You're the one who's unhappy, YOU fix it."

 

But I was going out the door when he was coming in. He was spending 77 hours a week at work (7 days a week) and we (me and the kids) seldom saw him, and when we did he was exhausted and cranky (he refused to take a lunch to work or buy lunch so he was surviving these 11 hour work days on one granola bar a day...wonder why he was cranky???) And I was going to films, lunch or shopping with friends because I wanted to be around people who genuinely liked me, not having to be around someone who ignored me for days on end.

 

I could not see the point of staying in a marriage that was making both of us miserable.

 

Yes, our kids were upset at first. But their home lives improved exponentially when we divorced. Instead of one home filled with tension, resentment and discomfort, they had two peaceful homes. They are both doing well; both adults with careers, healthy relationships and they adore both me and their dad.

 

Anyway, just wanted to give a perspective from someone who came out the other side of divorce and survived.

[Nickel Speed]

So many people quick to scream for divorce instead of trying to openly communicate first. Easier to move on than it is to talk about your feelings and confront your demons I suppose.

 

It's concerning that these people are the main ones who reside and advise on this forum.. The dumpers...