Want to leave husband but don't want to break his heart and hurt our son

[Batya33]

I treat my husband normally. In front of our son or not, I treat him as a human being?! No different. I keep this shi* inside

 

The children always know. Do not kid yourself on that (no pun intended). In addition to knowing this to the core forever and ever I've seen many many examples of this with my own son who is 10.

[Nickel Speed]

I was just explaining a few bad points he has. Nobodies perfect! I have bad points too. To be fair you're right, he's not my best friend, I cant talk to him about anything and everything, because he's not listening and doesn't care anyway.

 

Ha! Smug! Odd. I had an unplanned child at 18, I did not plan on a family unit to be smug about to unmarried people!

 

I deserve a man who respects me. I do not get that currently.

 

Then communicate this and how he can do better. Open communication is key. People grow in relationships if given the chance...

 

Or you can just say.. "No.. That's too hard" and move on. You expect him to already be doing this, and maybe he should. Considering he didn't have very much life experience before you however, he likely never had to learn the hard lessons about being complacent in previous relationships.

 

You may find him turn into a man you actually love. Don't confuse lust with love. The grass isn't always greener.

[figureitout23]

My wife left me when my kids were 14 and 15. It's a horrible time to leave a father without ghis children and children without their father. High school is hard enough as it is, but by all means, go for it since you don't feel a spark, your kids be damned. Honestly, women like you and my ex are why I need to get a dog and stay away from dating anyone.

 

Wow way to use children as a guilt trip...

 

Sheesh...

 

So it’s best a woman stay in an unhappy marriage as long as the husbands happy...

 

Good grief...

[Nickel Speed]

You are a very bitter, broken man by the sounds of it. So I should live with my sons caring loving father even though it makes me unbelievably sad and lonely? I have done that for the last 5 years!! I think I have given enough!! Two to tango, agreed. I am our sons majority caregiver by a good 90%!! I do everything whilst me husband is in bed or watching football!!

 

I think you are very wrong here. I've had a long time to think about this. There is no rushing!!

 

If I was thinking of only myself I would have left 14 years ago!

 

 

Once again, are you openly communicating your problems?

 

You left all of this out in the original post. By that, I figure out you have already made up your mind.

 

But if you haven't. Make him understand the problems in the relationship, maybe even go to counseling together. Grow as a couple. Learn ways to communicate effectively.

 

 

If you've already made up your mind, then crush him and move on. Do it fast. Don't lead him on. Don't cheat. Be 100% honest. Don't tell him what you think he needs to hear. Just tell him why and leave it at that. He'll get over it one day. But there is no way to not cause pain.

[figureitout23]

You are a very bitter, broken man by the sounds of it. So I should live with my sons caring loving father even though it makes me unbelievably sad and lonely? I have done that for the last 5 years!! I think I have given enough!! Two to tango, agreed. I am our sons majority caregiver by a good 90%!! I do everything whilst me husband is in bed or watching football!!

 

I think you are very wrong here. I've had a long time to think about this. There is no rushing!!

 

If I was thinking of only myself I would have left 14 years ago!

 

Good for you valentine.

 

Shame on male posters who are angry and saying to her what they want to say to their ex wives.

 

She is not your ex!!!!!

 

RELEVANT and NICKEL y’all both know full well what led to the end of your marriage, stop with the sexist victimhood, and statistics have show children would rather be from a broken home than in one, stop with this sexist idea that a woman is letting her children down if she doesn’t sacrifice her happiness for others.

 

OPer you have to do what’s best for you. I do think you should communicate your mindset with your husband first and if you two can get through this via therapy excellent. If not... you’re right you both deserve someone who loves and respects you.

 

Be warned though the grass isn’t always greener!!!! You never got to expierience being single and free you were pregnant and married very young, once you get it out of your system you may realize what you have actually is what you want. It’s a double edged sword for sure. Be fully ready when you make your choice.

 

Your mindset isn’t a male or female thing MANY go through this, most aren’t with their high school sweethearts simply because they quickly outgrew that phase of their life.

[relevart]

But the role model she is giving her son is that the father is not respected or admired or loved.

The role model is that she doesn't care the pain she causes her son and that when things get boring, it's OK to leave an otherwise decent and respectable spouse.

[relevart]

You are a very bitter, broken man by the sounds of it.

 

I'm impressed. It usually takes folks more than three posts to come to that conclusion about me. LOL

 

So I should live with my sons caring loving father even though it makes me unbelievably sad and lonely? I have done that for the last 5 years!! I think I have given enough!! Two to tango, agreed. I am our sons majority caregiver by a good 90%!! I do everything whilst me husband is in bed or watching football!!

 

I'm not here to argue. I will just point out that you are basically responding to me saying you were being selfish by admitting out how selfish you are by leaving your son's "caring, loving father." (Your words)

[SarahLancaster]

Look, nobody is perfect and things don't always work out.

 

Divorce is painful for everyone, but if the marriage is a dead, it's dead.

 

The best outcome is that everyone moves on and lives happy lives with no hard feelings.

[JValentine]

The role model is that she doesn't care the pain she causes her son and that when things get boring, it's OK to leave an otherwise decent and respectable spouse.

 

Absolute BS.

 

Jog on

[relevart]

RELEVANT and NICKEL y’all both know full well what led to the end of your marriage, stop with the sexist victimhood, and statistics have show children would rather be from a broken home than in one, stop with this sexist idea that a woman is letting her children down if she doesn’t sacrifice her happiness for others..

I get that some people are going to disagree with me. That's fine. I disagree very much that there is anything sexist in my feelings. I just understand what this man will go through as the father in a divorce. Like I said, weekends and a dinner here and there is never enough. The worst feeling I ever felt was just after dropping my kids off at their moms. That is a drive I would never want another man to face without a very good reason. Adultery and abuse of any kid are very good reasons.

 

Also, staying in bed all day can be a sign there is a medical problem somewhere, Low T, depression or something we can only speculate abut

 

Oh, yeah, my marriage didn't work because my ex cheated on me. But I'm sure that was my fault.

[j.man]

If you're the breadwinner and you've been married for 15 years, two kids under your belt, I wouldn't be so sure he's the one who ends up with the 1BR apartment and visitation.

 

I do think that, absent there having been some egregiously tortious act committed, if someone takes their vows and role as a parent seriously, counseling should always be Step #1 before divorce proceedings. You give that an honest effort and it fails, or if he makes it even simpler by not agreeing to it, then I disagree with any advice that would have you stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids.

 

Kids aren't idiots. And while they may not be able to notice specifically that mom doesn't feel sexual chemistry with dad, they tend to be aware of who genuinely feels affection for the other-- particularly when there's a stark discrepancy, and especially by the time they've reached 14. If you divorce tomorrow, I'd be dead surprised if your teen 1) was surprised at all himself and 2) didn't know with near certainty who really wanted it. It's not healthy for them, and while as a child of divorced parents I'll be the first to say happily married and otherwise kind and healthy parents is almost unequivocally the best case scenario, I'd take my divorced parents all over again before I'd have either or both of them effectively deceiving me for the sake of what they perceived to be my benefit. There are plenty of ways you two can effectively co-parent and be strong figures and influences in your kids' lives.

 

But, again, while the fact you've never been attracted to this guy and don't seem to have respected him for a good while aren't the strongest points of optimism, I would give counseling a college try before making the ultimate decision. And while you undoubtedly won't feel "good" about it, should you decide divorce is the right solution, I'd bet having attempted to arbitrate will go a long way in alleviating any future guilt or regret you may or may not otherwise feel.

[Seraphim]

I too would try couples therapy before throwing in the towel. While it definitely hurts to have divorced parents I won’t lie sometimes it is better if the issues are irreconcilable.

[Batya33]

The role model is that she doesn't care the pain she causes her son and that when things get boring, it's OK to leave an otherwise decent and respectable spouse.

 

That's how you perceived /interpreted her description. If I had interpreted it as you did I would agree and certainly even with my interpretation they can try counseling if both wholeheartedly want it. I don't think you stay in a marriage just because "decent and respectable" - that sounds more like a reason to keep a pet if you're no longer excited to have a pet but don't want to hurt the pet by rehoming him.

 

She never loved him. She married him because she didn't want to give her child up for adoption and she thought it was better if he were raised in a two-parent family even though she wasn't that into him. Now she realizes that was a mistake. Perhaps counseling would help facilitate a "spark". You never know.

[Hollyj]

JV, I was in the same position. 16 years of marriage, two boys, and I felt like I was in prison. I too used to hope he would find someone who was more suited (and he actually later found someone who was perfect for him).

 

Will it be painful to leave him? You bet. Will you feel guilty? Absolutely. Will he get over it and move on with his life? ABSOLUTELY. He's a grown man.

 

My advice would be to stay single for a VERY long time and enjoy your life.

 

Great advice!

[Hollyj]

Your kid deserve a loving father under the same room. You keep saying you had an unplanned pregnancy. OK, so be it. It takes two to tango though. That kid is your responsibility, too. Too many people rush into divorce thinking only about themselves.

 

She has been unhappy for a long time. it is also not healthy for kids to be exposed to a loveless marriage.

[Hollyj]

I get that some people are going to disagree with me. That's fine. I disagree very much that there is anything sexist in my feelings. I just understand what this man will go through as the father in a divorce. Like I said, weekends and a dinner here and there is never enough. The worst feeling I ever felt was just after dropping my kids off at their moms. That is a drive I would never want another man to face without a very good reason. Adultery and abuse of any kid are very good reasons.

 

Also, staying in bed all day can be a sign there is a medical problem somewhere, Low T, depression or something we can only speculate abut

 

Oh, yeah, my marriage didn't work because my ex cheated on me. But I'm sure that was my fault.

 

Good grief! Your situation is not hers.

[relevart]

Good grief! Your situation is not hers.

I never said it was.

 

I thought this was an advice forum. We should all want different perspectives. What good does it do if no one shares a differing opinion? I have given mine and tried to be respectful while doing it.

[Nickel Speed]

Good for you valentine.

 

Shame on male posters who are angry and saying to her what they want to say to their ex wives.

 

She is not your ex!!!!!

 

RELEVANT and NICKEL y’all both know full well what led to the end of your marriage, stop with the sexist victimhood, and statistics have show children would rather be from a broken home than in one, stop with this sexist idea that a woman is letting her children down if she doesn’t sacrifice her happiness for others.

OPer you have to do what’s best for you. I do think you should communicate your mindset with your husband first and if you two can get through this via therapy excellent. If not... you’re right you both deserve someone who loves and respects you.

 

Be warned though the grass isn’t always greener!!!! You never got to expierience being single and free you were pregnant and married very young, once you get it out of your system you may realize what you have actually is what you want. It’s a double edged sword for sure. Be fully ready when you make your choice.

 

Your mindset isn’t a male or female thing MANY go through this, most aren’t with their high school sweethearts simply because they quickly outgrew that phase of their life.

 

 

 

Don't group me with him. I said none of the things in bold.

 

I know what led to the end of my marriage, that is why I am trying to help their marriage if she thinks it's possible.

 

My first piece of advice was open communication. My next piece of advice was counseling.

 

I also told her to move on and to not cheat if she didn't think it was possible.

 

Once again, you are only reading what you want to read. You really are a piece of work. That's not a compliment.

You want to rub the end of my marriage in my face while I'm trying to give advice? You honestly should feel ashamed.

[Nickel Speed]

FIGURE.... Every piece of advice you tried to give was advice I already gave. Communicate. Grass isn't always greener. Etc.

 

So you agreed with what I said and then put words in my mouth that I never said just to attack me? EXCUSE ME???

 

I'd very much appreciate it if you would keep your personal distaste for me out of all future threads.

[figureitout23]

 

Once again, you are only reading what you want to read. You really are a piece of work. That'

 

You want to rub the end of my marriage in my face while I'm trying to give advice? You honestly should feel ashamed.

 

I don’t feel shame for cheeeing on a poster for defending herself against guilt trips. You’re right he was worse but you did it too. Just more subtly. You feel I’m projecting but that’s exactly what you did to her which is what my response states.

 

I don’t dislike you. I think you’re in pain and lash out when challenged, but I don’t have anything against you. I found the verbiage and guilting used was incredibly sexist so I stated as much. Nothing against you personally, I meant what I said.

[figureitout23]

I never said it was.

 

I thought this was an advice forum. We should all want different perspectives. What good does it do if no one shares a differing opinion? I have given mine and tried to be respectful while doing it.

 

You were not respectful, you insinuated, no wait that was the other poster, you flat out said she was being selfish because she’s unhappy in her marriage and wants a divorce, you told her she was failing her children and put the whole coparenting system on her shoulders.

 

You’re projecting your pain onto her.

 

She states she already feels guilt, which honestly she shouldn’t.

 

That was the point of my response, NO ONE man or woman should feel guilty for leaving a situation they are unhappy in. No one.

 

Should they think seriously before they make that decision? Absolutely! Should they consider counseling to make sure it’s the right decision? Yes! But feel guilt? Absolutely not.

[JValentine]

Umm...thanks very much for the input guys. Really don't want to get in a slanging match. Hubby is home and is funny and loving self as usual. I feel guilty for feeling I want to leave him and we're all happy families chatting over dinner. Will mull it over.

[figureitout23]

Umm...thanks very much for the input guys. Really don't want to get in a slanging match. Hubby is home and is funny and loving self as usual. I feel guilty for feeling I want to leave him and we're all happy families chatting over dinner. Will mull it over.

 

So you didn’t actually mean anything you said?

 

Awesome! Marriage saved! Good for you...I think... 🤔

[Batya33]

I second what FIO wrote -I am glad it's all worked out, that it was all in your head. Enjoy your family!

[smackie9]

JValentine, why don't you seek out some private counseling of your own. It will help you put things into perspective before you make any decisions, and also give you some tools in how to communicate to your husband about your feelings in a more constructive way.