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Having a hard time deciding to move on/get her back and how to do it


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Hello everyone,

 

Thanks in advance for reading. I'll keep the post short and to the point.

 

My ex (26) and I (28) broke up a month ago after a 3.5 year relationship. The reason due to her was that she wasn't physically/sexually interested any longer. She has always been this way in previous relationship, getting interested in other men after a certain period. Just today she told me that we've also seem to have grown apart little by little (which I'm not really sure about, we are still rather similar to the start of the relationship imo). We pretty much never fought however. The sex wasn't great, and it has to do with my self-confidence and not being in my masculine energy. We did have an intense emotional connection. She told me we truly have a soul connection (soulmates). So, my (false hope) reasoning is that mainly the attraction is missing, and she might want me to show her I can be different.

We've talked a few times since the breakup. She kissed me passionately 1 week after the breakup. Afterwards, I have seen her in person once and this didn't happen.

She loves me very much and truly appreciates me.

 

I told her 1 week ago that I can't see her as a friend. She wasn't sure that's what she wants. She might see us together in the future, but she needs time to "find herself". After this, she drew a picture of me and illustrated a poem I once made.

 

I'm really unsure what to do. I love her very much and would like to focus on repairing the romantic attraction. I love the emotional connection we have (which she sees aswell), and I would like to attract her again. I don't know what to do:

 

1: Since our emotional bond is so good I meet her and focus on attracting her physically. If she doesn't respond to that I'll tell her I can't be friends at this moment.

2: Tell her today that I can't be friends. I want to be transparent and focus on rebuilding myself. She may contact me if she is okay with the idea that I want to rebuild our connection. As I truly believe our connection is special, I just can't put the label "friendship" on it.

3: The hardest one: Tell her I can't be friends and that she can contact me once she wants to try again. Effectively cutting her out of my life.

 

It's just so scary. I think we can make the relationship much better if we work on it. But at the same time, I feel we can be great friends as well. Just not now.

Edited by trufo
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I vote for #2.

 

When a woman tells you she needs to 'find herself,' that's the kiss of death for a relationship.

 

And being 'friends' with someone you've loved and been intimate is nearly impossible when one person still wants to get back together.

 

Let her go and find herself. Cut all contact and wish her well. Then work on putting yourself out there again.

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Honestly, you won't like my response but I think you need to go with option 3. It sounds like a personal problem that she loses sexual interest shortly after the chase is over, if there was ever attraction to begin with.

 

If you keep in contact with her, you'll always be in the position of pining for more while she goes back and forth indecisively and dispassionately. You deserve someone who desires you just as much as you desire them, otherwise you're basically best friends. Except you want more so it will kill you inside as you see her go on to date other men...

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I don't think you have any options, Trufo.

She said she needs time to find herself. This is a short way of saying she's not sure about you and might never be. If you value your time and your life ahead of you I wouldn't place much importance on the connection you think you have with her.

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Those are some sad options yes. It's just such a shame. I feel we really are soulmates, as does she. She's never had such a connection with someone before (which is the reason I lasted 3.5 years and not a few months to a year, as she's had ~10 relationships).

 

Anyway, thanks for the opinions. It's just so terribly hard to basically shut all doors. But, from another perspective, that's what she did first.

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Such a deep cut. She's my first love aswell. But you're right. And if she isn't willing to work on the relationship, even though we're "soulmates" and even though she said just a few days ago that she thought we'd always be together, it's her choice to end it. And that means ending... everything. And that saddens me to no end.

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Such a deep cut. She's my first love aswell. But you're right. And if she isn't willing to work on the relationship, even though we're "soulmates" and even though she said just a few days ago that she thought we'd always be together, it's her choice to end it. And that means ending... everything. And that saddens me to no end.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this... it's the hardest when it's your first love. Unfortunately I have to agree with the others... she seems to be done with the relationship and is trying to let you down gently.

 

You will find another soulmate... we have many different types of soul connections, and if you stay open, keep working on yourself and don't settle you will find the one you are meant to be with.

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I might've preferred a messy breakup. This; "I care about you"; "Maybe in the future", "We're soulmates", "I thought we'd be together forever" and her talking about the reasons why the relationship didn't work keep me in fixing mode.

 

It's just so hard, you guys. I think about her 90% of the day, I'm fine/okay with it most of the day. And then all of a sudden I just feel the most intense sadness I've ever felt and can't help crying. My internship and master's thesis (it's just 2 more months and I'll be all done after 7 years of study) are really hard to concentrate on. I just wish these feelings would pass more quickly as they just corrupt my whole day... every day.

 

Anyway, thank you all for reading and responding. And I'm crying once more, damn it. Hope I'll look back at this post in the future with a smile one day.

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I might've preferred a messy breakup. This; "I care about you"; "Maybe in the future", "We're soulmates", "I thought we'd be together forever" and her talking about the reasons why the relationship didn't work keep me in fixing mode.

 

I agree with you.. this is pretty thoughtless and unnecessary. I'm sorry you're going through this. Hang in there and yes, one day you will look back and smile.

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Those are some sad options yes. It's just such a shame. I feel we really are soulmates, as does she.

No, she doesn't. The old cliche really is true -- actions speak louder than words. Action: she broke up with you. Go with Option #3. It will be harder, maybe the hardeat thing you've done, but in the long term, it will be better for you and probably her as well.

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If she really believed you were soulmates, in the way you define soulmates, she'd be with you now, OP. It sounds like you two have very different ideas about what a "soulmate" is. I would also not take her seriously when she's tossing around heavy language like that; her actions are showing you they're pretty words without a lot of meaning.

 

It sounds like she wants to be free to explore other guys and knows she can't do that while in a relationship. I would let her go and find someone who is capable of and wants an exclusive commitment.

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MissCanuck, I understand where you're coming from regarding soulmates. It's just that she defines soulmates as a deep emotional connection. That has been the one truly special thing she experienced in this relationship. It seems soulmates isn't necessarily connected to the sexual domain in her perspective. Easier said: soulmates can be merely friends aswell.

 

So, yeah. Today I've deleted everything of her, photo's/items (saved it in the cloud though). I have to accept it's over and there is nothing I can directly do to mend the situation. All I can do is move on with my life and perhaps she'll return one day. I do believe, even though it probably hurts much more for me at the moment, that she'll ultimately be worse off than me. She's had her fair share of short unhappy relationships (~10) and chances are she'll have the same experience in the nearby future. I do not count on that, but it only seems logical.

 

I'm certainly not perfect, but I never been bad to her. I've never degraded, yelled at, abused or controlled her. It's just that I might not have been the confident, manly guy she wants. It's time I work on this. For whoever may be in life romantically some day.

 

One last note is that I feel like I might not even be scared the most of losing her forever, but mainly that I'm scared of losing my love for her forever. As this first love thing now feels like it won't happen on this level ever again.

 

In any way, thanks for the support and insight. I truly appreciate it.

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So, she came over to pick up her stuff and we had dinner together. I'm still very much into her, unfortunately. She asked if I wanted to continue seeing her, which I responded positive on. She then asked as friends, upon which I answered that I didn't want to put the label friendship on it. She said "okay".

She also asked if I wanted to kiss her, which I said I perhaps wanted to (I had the feeling it was some kind of test). She said she wasn't feeling like that.

 

I couldn't help myself and kept flirting a little bit by touching her and forcing eyecontact/looking at her mouth. She must've noticed, she kept the eyecontact and looked at my mouth sometimes and also never pulled away. It might just be my interpretation or projection, but I had the feeling there was still some sexual tension.

 

Damn it, I thought I was getting indifferent. But seeing her in person just made it alot harder. She said she'll see me soon, as she still has some stuff here. I'll probably just go for the kiss next time and see what happens. What's there left to lose eh?

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  • 2 weeks later...

It has been about 9 days of NC. Though I have some sad moments, I've come to the realisation I don't want her back. I would take her back for the wrong reasons; f.e. for my own ego; for my insecurity regarding my romantic future etc. It's a strange realisation. I still miss her, I still would like for things to have worked out differently. But we just can't be together. I don't trust her any longer. There are so many nice girls out there looking for good partners.

 

So it's strange. I realise I want her back for the wrong reasons, which makes me realise I don't really want her back. And even though I still love her, I don't want to talk to her nor do I want to see her. It's done, we're done and perhaps we'll meet again in the future (once I'm 100% sure I've lost all hope for a romantic reconciliation).

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  • 2 weeks later...

Alright, so another update. Even though no one is replying, it might be helpful for other people. I have read many threads and always was disappointed when someone just quit coming to their thread (damn ghosters!). So, I'll continue to update what's happening.

 

Since my last post (23 april) my ex has started continually contacting me every few days. She has started to initiate activities to do with me. Past friday we met up for coffee after 2 weeks of not seeing each other. The situation felt familiar and positive. We laughed and I flirted a bit. Eventually she started talking about our past relationship (again...). She said she's been having a difficult time and that she thinks she might have a problem as she continues to break off (good) relationships: "Why do I break off such a good relationship, that might be a problem that has to do with me". She started talking about the reasons why and how things ended. I just tried to listen and understand her perspective. No pushing, no blaming. Nothing. She also said that she's not looking for another man. I ended the meetup by saying I had fun talking with her. She asked a few questions, like how I would feel if she would get someone else in the future and if I was still in love with her. Annoying questions, but I answered truthfully. I said I'd probably feel a little hurt if she started dating someone else and that I'm not sure if I'm in love with her but I do feel a deep love for her. They might not be the best responses, but at least they are the truth. After this I paid for our coffees and we went our seperate ways.

 

Fast forward a couple of days and she asks me how I'm feeling over text. I answered that I'm doing well but I'm also very busy. She then told me she feels really sad and alone after meeting with me. That she has a hard time that our relationship is over and that it scares her. She mentioned this sadness a few times and eventually told me she now feels like she has a broken heart. Once again I was just asking some questions, trying to understand her. In addition I said that I appreciate our connection and that we had something special. She agreed with this.

 

So yeah, that's it. Not sure what's happening if anything at all. Just going with the flow and let her initiate. I'm not chasing, but I do leave the door open. Nevertheless, actions speak louder than words and other than wanting to meet up with me there are no actions. So I'm just continuing with life and even have a (casual) date tomorrow.

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  • 2 weeks later...

You are normal. I feel really sad for you as someone close to me is going through just about the exact same thing.

 

You will get through this. You will be ok eventually. You are a special person and if she can't see that then that's her loss. Odds are she'll continue on trying to "find herself" for her whole life and you'll end up happily married with kids and won't give her another thought.

 

Just friendly say I can't be your friend but I wish u nothing but happiness. You want good karma after all.

 

All the best. And take comfort in the fact there are others at this moment in time going through very similar things. You aren't alone that's for sure.

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I might've preferred a messy breakup. This; "I care about you"; "Maybe in the future", "We're soulmates", "I thought we'd be together forever" and her talking about the reasons why the relationship didn't work keep me in fixing mode.

 

It's just so hard, you guys. I think about her 90% of the day, I'm fine/okay with it most of the day. And then all of a sudden I just feel the most intense sadness I've ever felt and can't help crying. My internship and master's thesis (it's just 2 more months and I'll be all done after 7 years of study) are really hard to concentrate on. I just wish these feelings would pass more quickly as they just corrupt my whole day... every day.

 

Anyway, thank you all for reading and responding. And I'm crying once more, damn it. Hope I'll look back at this post in the future with a smile one day.

 

I totally agree. Breakups on a good note honestly might be worse than those on a bad note because there is still a sort of hope that amends can be made, and you dont have any reason to hate her. Im going through something somewhat similar, although it is due to outside circumstances basically. One thing that kind of helped me is writing down why it WOULDNT work out. Like maybe she does this little thing you dont like. Even if its small, it might help to write down every little problem she had, and seeing this whole list might help you see why this actually isn’t that great. My advice would be to, basically, take a break. Work on focusing on yourself for a few weeks or months. Maybe after your thesis is done you will realize that you dont even have feelings for her anymore, or you’ve found someone new. If the feelings are still there, maybe you contact her again and catch up and see where things go. That’s the attitude I’m taking with my current situation. It is not easy whatsoever, as I was literally just crying a second ago about my own situation, but it seems like the most reasonable thing to me. Good luck brother, I know it will all work out.

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Thanks for the replies, chocolate_86 and OT630. What's helping me is the thought that she lost someone who truly loved her, while I lost something that evidently didn't.

 

We met up previous week to talk over coffee, about 8 days ago now. She said she is only now starting to mourn the end of the relationship, before she was in the "elation phase". She also asked how I feel about us and I told her I don't want to put labels on it, but pursuing merely a friendship isn't my intention. Instead I want to feel how things are. Her response was that she didn't want to string me along, while she continues to mention the good things in our past relationship. She was rather affectionate, telling me how I'm a changed man as well. At the end she hugged me longer than normal, and with a lingering arm rubbing me. However she also said she would tell me how something went (she went away for a job, quite important for her), but she didn't. I'm not contacting her to ask her. Whatever, I already lost someone I love. She is now losing someone that loves her as well.

 

I guess she is mourning now and trying to detach. This is rather scary for me. Part of me wants to reach out and make sure that doesn't happen. However, no matter whether its for reconciliation or moving on, we both need to detach to make sure we either not get in the same relationship or move on healthily.

 

Anyway, I'm doing fine all things considered. I'm behaving really flirty and outgoing with most people and that feels good, it feels more like me. Though I'm not ready for dating in any way and don't want to hurt someone's feelings. Conversely some days are still exceptionally tough and thoughts + feelings come bordering on contemplating suicide. This polarity between feeling confident and suicidal is rather puzzling and hard to deal with.

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Yeah, so... I'm feeling great. Drinking is usually a catalyst for bad feelings to emerge, however when sober I'm rather confident. I realise I'm all I have, no matter the friends and relationships I'll have in the future. In a way we're always alone. A relationship just hides that fact, making you rely on the other person for all kinds of support. Any way, I'm doing great and I don't even know if I want her back. It's a strange sensation. It's the total opposite from just a few weeks ago. I've no longer put her on a pedestal and that's just awesome.

 

That being said, she has been initiating contact with me regularly. She talks about random stuff what's going on in her life and asking me how I'm doing and what's going on in my life. In addition, she uploaded a drawing she made of me years ago on instagram. She also made an animation that basically compares our inner beings with each other. It's rather abstract, but it's meant positively. She hasn't asked to meet up yet though, so whatever. However, I do think she feels like I'm slipping away. I'm not chasing her at all any longer. I do think I'll just let her know hat while I'm really busy, if she wants to do something she can let me know and I'll see if I have time. This way I'll let her know the door's open, but that she has to be the one to go through it. It's not my place to directly initiate contact any longer.

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What if she walks into the friendzone through that door?

 

Then I'll have to breakup with her. She knows where I stand.

 

I'll not be paralyzed by all the what ifs. It's the worst question to ask as there'll always be another what if question once the previous one gets solved.

 

What if she just wants to be friends, what if she doesn't, what if she finds someone else, what if it won't work out again, what if, what if? The what ifs don't matter. All that matters is that you're okay being alone and be true with what you want. No what ifs should influence that.

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Then I'll have to breakup with her. She knows where I stand.

 

I'll not be paralyzed by all the what ifs. It's the worst question to ask as there'll always be another what if question once the previous one gets solved.

 

What if she just wants to be friends, what if she doesn't, what if she finds someone else, what if it won't work out again, what if, what if? The what ifs don't matter. All that matters is that you're okay being alone and be true with what you want. No what ifs should influence that.

 

 

 

 

Hi Trufo, i have been following this tread closely for the same reasons i imagine you scoured the internet and read everyone stories (helping me deal).

 

My girlfriend of the last 6 years broke things off with me.

 

She feels that we have grown apart over the last year or so (we have lived together for 2 years), the sex kind of stopped, 100% down to my sex drive even though i found her very attractive still.

 

I don't think that there is any chance of saving the relationship she seems pretty sure and has said herself she is happy, although she still cares about me and really wants us to remain friends, although she kept saying that who knows that the future holds.

 

Its worth noting that we initally took a 2 week break, I moved back to my mums, she said she thought it would make our relationship stronger, that she wanted to miss me and want me etc.

 

 

This was around a 6 weeks a go,

 

Currently finding it hard to come to terms with everything ending, I am 7 days into no contact, but will need to speak to her at some point as we are sorting out a joint mortgage we have.

 

 

suppose it would be really useful to see if you any advise and see how you are getting on now?

 

Thanks!!

 

Alex

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