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Also people are gonna start asking what happened soon ! Do I tell them the truth that he’s got a problem with coke and escorts and lying ???

 

I think it looks worse on you to badmouth anyone, most of all someone you've introduced to your family or children. It's a double edged sword. I wouldn't air out all the dirty laundry. It's also disrespectful to the kids who've known him. Remain discreet. You don't have to hide the real reasons from your closest family members but you don't have to go on and on and on and on about every single incident either. Just keep things short and concise and don't invite questions.

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No he’s defo not a catch ! Took a while though for me to figured that one out. Agreed no dating for me. I’m not ready in any shape or form and it wouldn’t be fair to totter people.

 

This is resentment I’m feeling and I know it will pass, it’s just all a bit new and raw !!

 

On a positive note I got the all clear from sexual diseases today.

 

That made me feel sick

Typing that

 

Thanks for all your words

 

Good for you for recognizing where you are in your healing and the resentment

 

I cant ignore the giant elephant in the room and jump on the bash him band wagon with you though

 

 

Thank you for your intelligent reply.

We split just over 3 weeks ago .

I wasn’t intending on swiping as I’m not ready, just wanted to have a look at what was available and also any comebacks even without a photo.

 

Look no one fresh out of a break up accidentally ends up on dating websites. You didn't intend to swipe but you weren't possessed with a foreign entity, so its safe to say you were on a dating website 3 weeks after your breakup.

 

I think its also safe to say given these facts

 

I’ve always had bad relationships where I’ve been cheated on I think they sense my vulnerability and low self esteem and that’s something I have to work on. It’s a priority.

 

You have been and are currently working against your best interest.

 

We cant change what we dont acknowledge.

 

Im glad the sting of seeing your ex on the site kinda shook you back to reality, but what if you didnt, what if another guy did the same your ex did and swept you off your feet with the love bombing...

 

You gotta start your healing journey. Today. No more searching for men to fix you. delete dating sites off your phone and computer, stay the heck away from them. be still, be single, get to know you. Learn to love you.

 

You sound incredibly insightful, but I think you were glossing over the unhealthy habits youre still falling back on.

 

Tell yourself no more, not until youre ready.

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I’m honestly not ready for dating or seeing a new guy. I’m not over him yet. My feeelings change On a daily basis, I’ve woke up this morning thinking about his good points and feeling sad.

 

Questioning myself for him contacting escorts ????

 

Worried that I’ll be crushed when I see he’s moved on properly and will lead a happy/normal life with someone else.

 

I’m trying to tell myself that, that won’t be possible due to his drug addiction and lust for women but you never know.

 

Hopefully how I’m feeling is just part of the process.

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How you're feeling is 100 percent part of the process—a hard but needed part. Hugs.

 

It's okay to not be over him, to not be over someone you know you should be over. To be questioning everything, to be focused on the good one minute, the bad the next. Ultimately what all that means is that you are a human. Cherish that, respect that, by giving yourself place to be a human, to wobble a bit, to feel whatever you need to feel. You can handle it, and in handling it you'll find yourself growing, becoming stronger. It's like pushups for the spirit, building up muscles that were neglected but are very much there inside of you.

 

When my last long relationship ended I knew, in my bones and in every logical part of my brain, that it was the right call. I'd ended it. Things had been pretty awful for the last 4 months, and while we did enjoy a lot of good, sweet, sexy, drama-free times in our three years together, I'd known for a good long time—like, um, the whole time?—that we weren't right.

 

There was real drama by the end—she'd been cheating, with two people, and generally treating me terribly. Our dynamic was just a mess, and lord knows I was no saint at various stages. Resentments surfacing, gaslighting, lies, all that. Ugh. Plenty of pain inflicted, plenty of pain to process.

 

Still, probably the hardest part of the process was coming to terms with how and why I'd invested so much time (three years!) in something I knew, deep down, wasn't right. Easier, in the beginning, to keep the lens focused on her and her misdeeds than to focus on myself. Figuring out what was up with me to have gone there, rather than just focusing on what were ultimately the surface wounds of her infidelity—that was the hard, but needed, stuff.

 

Moral of the story? When I think about that relationship now it's not with a focus on her infidelity or my own shortcomings or the searing pain, humiliation, confusion, and emotional pendulum swings of those early post-breakup days. That's been processed, accepted, more like facts, now, than wounds. Just a chapter in my life, not the defining chapter, and one that ultimately led to the much better and brighter chapter I've been living for the past 2 years.

 

Easy to write that down in a neat little bowtie now, of course. Wasn't easy to live it. There were stumbles, backslides, swipes when I had no business swiping, especially in the first month. But then there were just a lot of months of not dating and being alone—lonesome, sure, but even at the time it was empowering, and looking back that was as excellent a chapter as the one that followed, when I was ready to date, to meet new people, and to handle the ups and downs of that differently than I had in the past.

 

Not sure if any of that helps. Just saying you're not alone, to just hang in there, and have faith that what you're feeling now needs to be felt to get to the place you want to be.

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I’m honestly not ready for dating or seeing a new guy. I’m not over him yet. My feeelings change On a daily basis, I’ve woke up this morning thinking about his good points and feeling sad.

 

Questioning myself for him contacting escorts ????

 

Worried that I’ll be crushed when I see he’s moved on properly and will lead a happy/normal life with someone else.

 

I’m trying to tell myself that, that won’t be possible due to his drug addiction and lust for women but you never know.

 

Hopefully how I’m feeling is just part of the process.

 

I understand the desire to ‘villainize’ him in your mind to fight off the thoughts of him... flourishing.. without you. You don’t even have to try hard, what he did was pretty dispicable.

 

The ego is a powerful thing, but I often say if you hitch your wagon onto him you’ll gong joy in his failures and pain in his triumphs. Look how simply seeing him on the dating site effected you.

 

This method while naturally feels good can have the opposite effect on your healing.

 

The reason is even negative attention is still attention. He’s still the focus and grants you the ability to ignore what’s going on with you that you wanted to latch onto a man who treated you in such a way.

 

Another huge reason to me that causes this focus is an inability to forgive oneself. Someone’s gotta take tge blame right?

 

It’s early so allow yourself time but try to refocus yourself, he simply isn’t worth the mental space.

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