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Recently split with my ex of 4 years. I caught him texting escorts he eventually admitted but said nothing happened !!! I tried to continue but the trust was broken And he wouldn’t commit to me . I guessed he was at it again so I called him out and told him he had a problem with hookers and coke and basically he lost it as I’d ruffled his feathers and he told me I was mental and that we were done I was in agreement and I did a runner and no contact has been made since.

 

Today we were matched onna dating site although my picture isn’t up and there’s his profile acting all Cool and funny. I don’t know if he knows it’s me yet he will click though. How funny ?

 

The thing is it’s hurt me even though I know he’s not good enough for me.

 

I hated going out with him as he’d check every female out and flirt if given the opportunity.

 

He was also emotionally unavailable and didn’t find me all that clearly but then why would he when he was probably sleeping with females half my age.

 

Loads of good points but the bad outweighed the good hence why I’ve not chased him or asked him to take me back, as if !!!

 

Think I’m looking for reassurance as when your partner favours escorts over you, someone who is a willing and good partner, completely trustworthy it does something to You On a different level.

 

He has too much money and am I wrong to hope that he will never be able to sustain a normal relationship,one where he doesn’t have to take drugs to perform and get excited.

 

On his profile he said he has endurance and stamina !

 

Aaaaaarrgggghhhh

Edited by Gotowardthel
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Sorry for all this.

 

I'm not sure how "recently" this split was, but, in looking our for your own well-being, what jumps out to me from your post is that you might want to give yourself a bit more time to process where you've been before dating. Sit for a bit, before swiping, you know? Give yourself time to focus on yourself, and to ask the hard questions about what led you to invest in someone both unavailable and prone to some seriously unsavory behavior.

 

You remain pretty fixated on him, his psychology, what path his life will now take, and so on. That's understandable, just as it's understandable to be thrown by seeing an ex back on the apps. Still, what does focusing on him serve, at this point? Not much, save a way, if you're not careful, to avoid looking closely at yourself.

 

You spent a lot of time with someone who did not treat you as you deserved. Those sorts of relationships do a real number on our self-esteem, since there's nothing like wanting respect from someone who, for whatever reason, is incapable of respect. The emotional toll from years of that is real, and is not unraveled in a few weeks and certainly not by a few dates. You want that poison out of the system before you're back out there, but to get it out of the system you have to be able to see it clearly.

 

As for whether or not it is "wrong" to think/hope he'll never be good for anyone—well, I'd say that's a very natural, very early phase of healing, but not a permanent mindset to nurture, cling to, and find solace in. That's just bitterness and rage, and bitterness and rage don't serve anyone well in the long run.

 

The ideal state is indifference, which comes from giving yourself time to process things, so both your head and heart are lined up, and your sense of your own value is completely disconnected from whatever choices this bozo will make as he moves forward in his own life.

 

Again, sorry for all you've been through. I've had a taste of relationships with people like this—though only for a few weeks, never years. Even then the recovery period was in ways more taxing than some of my longer relationships built on genuine love and respect, but ended because of sad-but-simple things like timing.

 

Best of luck.

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Thank you for your intelligent reply.

We split just over 3 weeks ago .

I wasn’t intending on swiping as I’m not ready, just wanted to have a look at what was available and also any comebacks even without a photo.

 

 

I’ve always had bad relationships where I’ve been cheated on I think they sense my vulnerability and low self esteem and that’s something I have to work on. It’s a priority.

 

He swept me off my feet and moved quickly looking back too quickly. However he made memprtnof his family but you can’t hide what he is.

 

Thanks again

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I am sorry you're going through this.

 

This is a case of desperately wanting a bad man to be someone decent and responsible and respectable.

 

Unfortunately, there are many out there who have excellent qualities as a partner and we see the good sides of them, perhaps even fall in love with those good sides. But then bad sides still exist and those bad sides, even if in smaller quantities, can be very bad and aren't something that should ever be ignored.

 

It truly is a shame, because how you describe him, it does sound like he has many qualities that make him a good partner. But the bad ones are fairly bad and in my personal opinion, I don't feel they can be changed.

 

I think many people go through similar issues. They love their partner and so badly wished the bad parts didn't exist or want to believe that they can be changed.

It's not impossible for some people to change, but truthfully, it's extremely few and far between, especially when it comes to cheating, lying or betrayal.

 

It means you will have to come to terms with this and to find ways to let go. And it can be really difficult when you concentrate on their good qualities and think to yourself.."if they would just stop these other things".

You want that so badly sometimes that you can blind yourself to how bad it might be or talk yourself into believing that they can change and somehow it will be okay.

 

It is a type of denial and this can seriously put your life and happiness into jeopardy.

 

It is a type of mourning to finally let go and to realize that the bad is bad and it's not going to go away.

But it really is for your own good and you will be saving yourself so much heartache.

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No he’s defo not a catch ! Took a while though for me to figured that one out. Agreed no dating for me. I’m not ready in any shape or form and it wouldn’t be fair to totter people.

 

This is resentment I’m feeling and I know it will pass, it’s just all a bit new and raw !!

 

On a positive note I got the all clear from sexual diseases today.

 

That made me feel sick

Typing that

 

Thanks for all your words

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Get off that dating site so you can't see him. It's just torturing you. Trust me though you've dogded a very ugly bullet. If this is the kind of person he is he will never hold down a relationship for long and when he gets older and decides he wants to settle down, no one will want to know because of his reputation. He will end up alone at this rate. Men like him usually do. I have a colleague like him. He's married but he thinks he's gods gift and can have any woman he wants. And he does sleep with other women too. As he got older though he couldn't get that kind of interest anymore. Your ex will burn out one day.

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Although it's huge disappointments, at least you found out now before you either got married or got an STD.

 

The day will come where you will feel sorry for whoever dates him and you won't feel any kind of sadness, resentment, etc.

 

But you're still healing and you're doing great on making smart decisions for yourself!

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Yuck this situation sounds terrible... sorry you are going through this OP.

 

Did you know he was emotionally unavailable when you started dating? If so, that was a clue that he would never be as invested in the relationship as you. I definitely don't think anyone anticipates being cheated on, however I think there are often clues we miss or ignore in relationships because we are hanging on so hard to the fantasy that it will work the way we want it to.

 

Try to reflect objectively on the relationship and use your learnings to grow and find a better candidate for a relationship moving forward.

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No I didn’t think he was emotionally unavailable he made out he wanted a relationship with me from very early on and we introduced our kids he has two and I have two. We went on holidays, spent Xmas together, endless stuff yet he was doing all this behind my back and that’s only the ones I found out about !!! Scary stuff !

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You sound pretty clear-headed, OP, and that, as they say, is not nothing. In fact, that's a lot, so give yourself a minute to just celebrate that fact of yourself. Another fact worth celebrating? A clear bill of health!

 

Keep celebrating these things, these things that are you, and you'll find your self-worth increasing and your attachment to him fading. That's part of the process.

 

And as Sherry said: no need to go into everything with friends. It didn't work, you wanted different things, had different values, and wish him the best—end of story. Odds are you'll come to see that as the whole story too, once you process things a bit more.

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There is always that first sting when and if you see your ex on an online dating website. Your mind spins and wonder if he'll be a better version of himself with the next woman.

 

You second guess yourself for a moment or two, and then it passes.

 

Couples can be somewhat like yin and yang. Different people influence different qualities in each other.

 

But the bottom line here is that you two did not bring out the best in each other and what he did was a deal breaker through and through.

 

The most likely case is he'll continue to do what he's been doing. In that case, you should feel bad for the next woman he snares.

 

No turning back. Head high.

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I would say, don't expose him.

 

First of all, you'll embarrass yourself as people can be judgemental and will wonder why you were with a guy like that (even if it wasn't your fault) and secondly, people like him will burn their own bridges, and will cause their own misery.

 

You don't need to be more a part of their mess.

 

Just leave it behind and move on. If people push for more information, just tell them you'd rather not talk about it.

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Think I’m inclined to agree with you Sherry. I’ve thought about this a lot and In the end it puts me in a bad light even though it’s his detriment. I was gonna say it sucks that it’s like he’s getting off with it, but will he ? He’s 46 and I’m 40 ! He is gonna burn out in his own way

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