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insecureties about relationship..how not to mess up?


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Hello all,

 

I have been in a relationship with a guy from work for about 3,5 months. though we have a much longer history. we've known each other for about 1,5 years. for the first 6 months or so we've been kind of friends with benefits, though I have always liked him more. Then 'the benefits' faded away but we still remained good friends. Then he started being jealous when I met someone else. Then we decided to 'see if there can be something more between us' - that ended after a week by his initiative. Then I didn't speak to him for about a month, cuz I was too hurt. Then we made up and he said he's in love with me and we were together for real that time. Though it still didn't feel 'real'. After two weeks I went on a two week trip with friends and when I came back he broke up with me. I again broke all contact with him and we didn't speak for about a month. When we started speaking to each other again (on a work Christmas party) it was like talking to a long lost best friend. We started hanging out a lot together and eventually he told me he wants to be with me for real this time and to make it right now. So we have been together ever since (december 30).

 

Knowing all this history - how he broke up with me twice before - it is probably natural that I have insecurities about our relationship?

And what they are is basically every time something's up with him I am afraid he will leave me. Even though he said numerous times that he loves me and he even said he would never leave me. And we had three major fights that all could be reasons to break up with and he still didn't break up with me. Once I even lied to him (I am terribly ashamed of that..) and he found out and still didn't leave me. Even though he said lying is one of the worst things.... So there isn't really much foundation to think he will break up with me, but still I find myself very often being afraid of that.

 

for example - he's been really tired for a few days from work and he's got some other things going on and he says he needs a week of just lying on the beach and doing nothings because he is "so tired and morally exhausted from work and all the routine" - and I immediately think he is probably tired of me too. And we went for lunch together and he didn't hold my hand like he always does after lunch and I asked if I could help him somehow he said he'll be ok. And I wish he would say something like 'just hug me and hold me..' I know I know - it's silly to think so...

 

I know I could just ask him - if something's wrong - but he will just say it's all good. And couple months ago it was a similar situation and I did tell him about how I feel - that it seems like somethings bothering him and I feel like he's bored with me or something and he assured me that it's all ok and then later told me that was a very repulsive behaviour from me - imagining that something's wrong and seeking assurance form him that it's ok. And I am not going to do it again. But I have to do something. I am driving myself insane with these thoughts.

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This guy is all wrong for you. You should not be feeling this way and that's his fault because of the way he treated you in the beginning. You should never have gone back the third time. I know he says he loves you, but honestly I'm having a hard time believing that. A relationship between you only came about because of his jealousy, one which he bailed on twice. He is a flake. Expressing your concerns is NOT repulsive behavior. He was just being a bully when he said that. I would strongly consider your future and if this guy should be part of it with the way he makes you feel.

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At such a short time in the relationship you shouldn't be feeling anxious (which is understandable) and all this bothered. And he should have more empathy towards how you feel. You should be in the honeymoon stage, not this.

 

He doesn't seem like the right person for you, besides he dumped you 2 or 3 times. You should've never come back. And yes, you coming back to him every time he dumps you and you being so insecure about the relationship (which as I said you have reasons to) will make him respect you less and repel him. I wouldn't be surprised if he uses your insecurity as the excuse for the next break up.

 

On off relationships rarely work into stable healthy relationships and it usually means that this is not the right person for you.

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On again, off again relationships means one or both don't care enough, and the dumper is willing to risk repeated break ups, knowing they may never get the person back. Someone who cared would work through issues together. You're not a yo-yo. Move on.

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It matters why he broke up with you the first couple of times. If you can uncover the root of those insecurities it might help you. Communication skills are critical.

 

Beyond that, dating and marriage is largely a matter of control (as in controlling your own impulses and thinking about the betterment of the both of you as a couple, a collective whole). This is what family is about. Here's a two step process: 1) tackle the reasons behind the insecurities, 2) work on your communication together and maintain peace.

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