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Am I wrong to be pissed off at this?


Ittz
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Just really need to vent out somewhere... so earlier on tonight me and my fiancé (who lives in another city so it’s a long distance relationship ) were talking on the phone and the convo gradually got sexual - we normally make do with phone sex since we can’t meet that often - so I said to him give me 5 mins I just need to go to the loo. I visited the loo and rang him back within 5 minutes but he didn’t answer... I then waited around 15 minutes after which he messaged me saying ‘coming in 5 mins’ ... another 10 mins passed and he finally rang me. I asked what took him so long and he told me that his baby nephew (5 month old) was still awake (at 2am) and was playing in the room next door with my fiancé’s sister so he went to say hi to the baby and ended up playing with him. And on top of that whilst my fiancé was on the phone telling me all this, his mom came in the room with the baby to say bye as she was taking the baby to put him to sleep. My fiancé sounded really tired by then so I said to him don’t worry go to sleep we’ll do it another time and he said ‘awww sorry we couldn’t do our phone sex thing tonight.’ I said it’s ok don’t worry I know you’re really sleepy ... we said goodnight and he went to sleep. Now I’m wide awake sitting here feeling so pissed off and I don’t even know if it’s normal for me to feel this way? I know my fiancé loves me and I know he really enjoys sex with me in real and over the phone but his attachment to his family is really annoying. Would you guys be pissed off at something like this?

 

FYI- he lives in the house with both his parents, sister, brother and his brother’s wife and of course their baby... yes he is Indian that’s why it’s a joint family and he hasn’t moved out yet...he will move out after we get married.

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With anyone you care about, you will have to learn to pick your battles. Learn when to bite your tongue and when to have a discussion about what bothers you. To put it in perspective, he wasn't out at a bar getting fall-down drunk. He wasn't cheating. He didn't ignore your call until the next day. He was playing with his nephew and in his mind, 25 minutes doing that wasn't egregious, and so he enjoyed himself, knowing you were awake and he'd be with you in less than a half an hour.

 

People aren't puppets you can control and partners will always irritate you now and then. You have to learn to calm yourself and let little things slide or bitterness will build up in the relationship if you jump down his throat for every infraction.

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It's a baby for goodness sake. I would find it heart warming that he actually is sensitive like that and compassionate enough to go see the baby.

 

I find it very cold of you to be angry about this and to not understand.

 

I mean, if it was his sister and he just walked off to go chat about whatever, then maybe you have a point, but a baby!?! Come on.

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OP, I'm sorry you've only been receiving advice from people who are but women, well intentioned though hindered by an inescapable desire to nurture young ones and incapable of providing sound advice when a child is involved. Let me provide you some advice as a true alpha male.

 

The kid's an entire five months old? Please. That's old enough to know lights out means LIGHTS OUT. Your fiance should 1) explain to his five month old nephew that if he isn't asleep by 8:00pm, there will be consequences, 2) tell his sister that if she can't keep her undisciplined kid settled down during your phone sex time, she needs to find somewhere else to live, and 3) in no gentle terms remind his mom that she may have birthed him and may own the house, but he's a man and any room he's in she needs to stay out of without express permission.

 

It sounds like a real circus tent he's got going on there. Imagine if you ever have a baby and he has the audacity of giving him or her attention in the middle of the night when they need it. IS THAT REALLY THE KIND OF MAN YOU WANT? I think not. I'd reconsider your engagement if I were you.

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A 5 month old baby was not still awake at 2am from having being up all day lol

They have irregular sleeping patterns and need to feed during the night often at 2am.

The likelihood is that the baby woke up the household .

People know their own babies but some aren’t good with setting routine.

In a household full of adults a routine can be hard to maintain.

 

Is there a time difference between you and your partner?

Why are you both up at 2am to have phone sex?

It’s more surprising to me that 2 adults are up at 2am than a 5 month old baby.

 

When is the wedding and which city do you plan on living in? Yours or his?

If you dislike interruptions from his family , it will only get worse if you are in close proximity, don’t you think?

 

In fairness , you were the one that first interrupted the call to go to the loo.

Was he pissed off?

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Sounds more like culture clash to me. Figure out whether you can accept his familial bonds and other commitments. If you're the type of woman that needs a singular type of man, this isn't the one for you. There are other men that have other specific commitments. You take your pick.

 

Your irritation is valid by the way. I'd suggest you recognize it and don't dumb it down. Ask yourself why you feel the way you do and start re-calibrating your entire relationship and what you look for in a partner.

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You're being very unreasonable op. There is nothing to be pissed off about. He didn't do anything wrong. It's not a crime to feel tired. It's not a crime to spend time with his baby nephew. You're being very childish.

 

You're engaged so does he plan to move to you when you're married? or vice versa? What's the point of a long distance relationship? They never work out.

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Thanks for the replies guys...even though most of you were extremely rude ... but to each his own. One thing which did help me is that I understand I was being unreasonable and I won’t be mentioning this feeling of mine to my fiancé.

 

FYI-

1) it’s his brother’s baby...yes it was all well and cute that he was playing with a baby but what annoyed me was that the baby’s parents were sleeping in their own room whilst the rest of the family was handling the baby at 2am. This happens everyday. The baby is sweet even I care for him but his parents really should be looking after him not the rest of the household.

 

2) Fiancé’s Mom doesn’t want him to move out. She doesn’t really like me because her son has decided to move out after marriage so she thinks I’m taking her son away from her. The other day he told me that she was saying to him ‘will you be able to live without your nephew? It’s gonna be hard!’ I don’t know how my fiancé felt after hearing that but I see that as emotional blackmail.

 

3) yes we have a time difference and I DO NOT tell him to stay up for me ... and we do not have phone sex every night and when we do he initiates it... don’t know why some people are jumping to conclusions that I make him stay up till 2am for phone sex.

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How distant are you living and how frequent do you meet in person? Are you from the same culture as him?

 

Are there definite plans on marrying like a date for it and financial plans as in where you both will live and both financial input in the marriage? Do you know each other's families?

 

That being said I think the issue is more than this annoyance. I think that LDR only work if there's a definite plan. Like a definite timeframe of how long it'll be long distance relationship and plans to move closer. If it's something indefinite or in a long future then it usually doesn't work.

 

Also, are your cultural views compatible with him? You don't need to be the same culture as him but for example, his attachment to his family might not be compatible with your attachment to family. I'll be honest, it wouldn't work for me a guy that is so attached to the family and living with them for so long, though I respect the culture and helping the family out.

 

I'm just telling you to think well, because you don't want to be in a constant fight with his mother or him being in a position where he has to choose. And most times family wins and he might not view his mother's unhealthy (in my opinion) emotional blackmail and attachment to him living with her "forever" the same way you do. When you marry him you'll marry the family too.

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Thanks for the replies guys...even though most of you were extremely rude ...

 

I'm sorry that you found my answer rude, especially since I said "no" to your question - in your thread title.

 

I said both parties have to work on an LDR and scheduling.

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Thanks for the replies guys...even though most of you were extremely rude ...

 

What's rude about answering the question you asked? In two posts you're offended first by BF and then a bunch of strangers. I guess the larger question becomes, why are you so easily offended?

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FYI- he lives in the house with both his parents, sister, brother and his brother’s wife and of course their baby... yes he is Indian that’s why it’s a joint family and he hasn’t moved out yet...he will move out after we get married.

 

Sounds like a full enough house to me and certainly not worth you getting upset over this.

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Unfortunately you have no control over what the baby's parents do so its pointless stressing over it. No-one is forcing you to care for him either. If your fiance has his own mind and dead set on moving out and marrying you then who cares what his mother says. On the other hand if he easily influenced by her then i would be worried about your future and how much of it she will try and take control of. Especially when it comes to your own children.

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2) Fiancé’s Mom doesn’t want him to move out. She doesn’t really like me because her son has decided to move out after marriage so she thinks I’m taking her son away from her. The other day he told me that she was saying to him ‘will you be able to live without your nephew? It’s gonna be hard!’ I don’t know how my fiancé felt after hearing that but I see that as emotional blackmail.

 

 

It's not really emotional blackmail. A little dramatic perhaps.

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