Judge Me Please - I Need a Good Kick In the Butt :)

[katrina1980]

Thanks again guys, taking it all in!

 

I just wanted to clarify why I asked her to join me at spin class though.

 

It was after she mentioned, and in response to, her telling me she feels bored and stressed. i told her when I feel stressed or anxious, yoga and exercise helps me tremendously. That it's a great stress release.

 

It's something I would ask any friend if they felt stressed or anxious. And would have asked her even if she had not told me about her bulimia.

 

Does that make sense?

 

As I said, I don't want to feel like I have to walk on eggshells now. Or if she's feeling I'm trying to fix her.

 

I'm just being myself, the same girl she's known since we met. And I've always listened and tried not to judge or fix. It's no different now.

 

Anyway, since her disclosure to me, she is opening up to me about her bf.

 

Out of privacy, I won't say much only that she's been feeling like he has been manipulating her for a long time and she's scared she is becoming too emotionally dependent on him and won't be able to leave, which is something she has been thinking about for a myriad of reasons.

 

They had a big fight when she returned home from our get together, ugly words were exchanged and she asked for her key back. He threw it at her, told her to grow up and stormed out.

 

Surprisingly, she's okay about it!!

 

She asked my opinion about it all, she left nothing out.

 

It sounded very bad and I told her that.

 

She asked if she should break up with him and I told her, if me, I would. That she is a beautiful intelligent woman and she deserves better.

 

But it's ultimately her decision, and perhaps before she cuts it, couples counseling might help.

 

She still loves him tons, so it's hard! I told her I understood that. She is taking the weekend to think about it. Spending girl time with her sisters.

 

So we shall see!

 

Thanks again guys!

[katrina1980]

 

So this isn’t the coworker that you thought had bad taste in men and you wanted to distance yourself from? That thread is gone, I checked, but I distinctly remember it.

 

I either missed this earlier or wasn't sure who or what you were referring to, but I remember that thread now.

 

MLD, I created that thread mid 2018 in the career section, and she was not a "friend" she was my "co-worker. " The thread was about issues at work and everyone had issues with her.

 

Yes she did used to confide in me about personal things, and the advice was to distance myself from her but remain professional, which I did.

 

She left the firm late last August.

 

Different person and not quite sure why you presumed it was my new friend, but whatever.

 

She sometimes reads this forum so I asked kamurj to delete for privacy reasons and he did.

[Batya33]

Yep, I get it. It's common for people to be resistant to input, and that's why we're asking rather than telling. We limit empty drilling with the consistent message, "Unless you want to explore solutions, which I will gladly do with you, we're moving our focus to something enjoyable together."

 

This only sounds counter-intuitive when we hold faulty beliefs about venting and what being a good listener means. Allowing passive venting embeds victimization and helplessness by rewarding it. Active listening rewards the opposite--problem solving--with our attention. Unproductive venting is 'nexted' in the same manner that good parents ignore temper tantrums by moving the 'reward' of their focus onto other things.

 

One way to reward someone who claims to have tried 'everything' is to cut them off from dissecting their list of fails by offering to revisit any failed method with them ONLY IF they want to come up with an alteration that might help them succeed. "So you can think about that and let me know if you come up with any ideas that I can help with. Otherwise, did you see any of the movies that won awards?"

 

Friend may need to take some time away from you when they recognize that their complaining wand doesn't work. That's natural--and manipulative. Don't chase, allow. Sending an occasional touch base message is fine, sending an invite to an event or something to 'do' together is fine, sending an opening to complain about the problem might be what she 'wants,' but it's the opposite of helpful--it's an enabling cave to the message that you're a lousy friend if you don't indulge her.

 

Skip that. Your offer of help stands, your willingness to enable is off the table. That's a boundary that's helpful to both of you--especially with the temptation to indulge your own codependency under the guise of 'helping'.

 

(And I credit you for understanding that I don't mean 'you'.)

 

Yes all of this. Interestingly, I distanced myself from her for a very very long time because I also find in those situations that the person "bites the hand that feeds you" -she said something really nasty about my brand new job after I'd been a full time mom for 7 years and that was the last straw. I didn't ignore- just distanced - now, over 2 years later, I've recently started venturing back into more closeness. But in that period of distance -and even now to a large extent -I avoid those topics that trigger her venting or I just don't respond in a way to continue the convo.

Thank you!

[bluecastle]

When she said she’d have to check with her BF, that sort of sent chills up my spine, I’m sorry to say. In normal relationships, it wouldn’t be a big deal, but with what’s going on with her, I’m afraid there is more to uncover.

 

Ditto this.

 

I wrote a long post about just this, but opted not to put it up. Could explore over PM, if interested.

 

Cliff's notes: I went through a very similar dynamic with a friend—back when he was a new friend, in what I always thought was a troublesome relationship, one that was really at the core of his other troubles, which were pretty significant too.

 

Broaching this was tough, since we were new friends and he'd been with his gf for 5-6 years. In fact, I didn't broach it. I listened, was a good friend, let him sort it out on his own, with my support and very, very gentle guidance. I may be a dude, but, genitals be damned, I am generally more of a "listener" than a "fixer."

 

That was many years ago. Today we are super close. We know each other's vulnerabilities and pathologies, particularly when it comes to making some questionable choices romantically. With that trust we are now more explicit, and have helped each other not walk too far down thorny paths romantically. So if he said something to me today like "I have to check in" my response would be: "Dude, what is up with that? Sounds like you're getting into the sort of thing you're drawn to does not serve you."

 

He's often like: dang, I wish I knew you like this back then so you could have just said what was really on your mind. Basically saying he wishes I'd been a touch less gentle, and so now (with more trust) I'm less gentle. Because he got whipped around in a controlling thing for another 5 years, and is still pulling out the thorns. He always had to "check in" and ask "permission," has since come to understand the roots of all that, has grown, evolved, gotten stronger, and so on.

 

But, man, it's just amazing how all the other stuff in his life (his version of bulimia) just cleared up the moment that relationship ended—stuff he'd spent some very hard years reckoning with, stuff I was much more actively involved in (he trusted me to let me in on that front) but that were in ways more symptoms of a troublesome relationship than anything else.

[mustlovedogs]

I either missed this earlier or wasn't sure who or what you were referring to, but I remember that thread now.

 

MLD, I created that thread mid 2018 in the career section, and she was not a "friend" she was my "co-worker. " The thread was about issues at work and everyone had issues with her.

 

Yes she did used to confide in me about personal things, and the advice was to distance myself from her but remain professional, which I did.

 

She left the firm late last August.

 

Different person and not quite sure why you presumed it was my new friend, but whatever.

 

She sometimes reads this forum so I asked kamurj to delete for privacy reasons and he did.

 

“Not quite sure why you presumed it was my new friend”

 

Why the judgmental comment?

 

Where I’m sitting is there’s a woman at work who appears, in your initial writing style, to annoy you. I remembered that other post, also about a coworker.

 

And your POV that you don’t make friends at work.

 

So that’s why I asked, not presumed.

[katrina1980]

MLD, I refer you back to your own post #45 which was quite harsh and imo based on your "presumption" that this thread was about someone I had critically posted about previously and/or created a thread about, which it is not.

 

No judgment, just clarifying, tnx.

[katrina1980]

 

That was many years ago. Today we are super close. We know each other's vulnerabilities and pathologies, particularly when it comes to making some questionable choices romantically. With that trust we are now more explicit, and have helped each other not walk too far down thorny paths romantically.

 

So if he said something to me today like "I have to check in" my response would be: "Dude, what is up with that? Sounds like you're getting into the sort of thing you're drawn to does not serve you."

 

 

Thanks blue! And I hear ya about that; agree, I think the level of trust between friends has to be pretty high to confront like that, just not there yet.

 

But getting there!

[katrina1980]

Oh and obviously given the fight she had with bf, her excuse that she had to check in with him about spin class, was an excuse.

 

Still don't know why she didn't wish to come, doesn't really matter why though, she just wasn't comfortable going or it didn't interest her, which is ok.

[itsallgrand]

Wow, your friend is going through a lot at once. It's great you can offer her support.

 

I'm soaking up Catfeeder's excellent post. It can be tricky sometimes knowing how to support a friend, particularly when its complicated and there are relationship issues involved.

 

You did a great job expressing concern and support without making this about her weight.

[Batya33]

Wow, your friend is going through a lot at once. It's great you can offer her support.

 

I'm soaking up Catfeeder's excellent post. It can be tricky sometimes knowing how to support a friend, particularly when its complicated and there are relationship issues involved.

 

You did a great job expressing concern and support without making this about her weight.

 

Thank you (maybe on behalf of K too!) for validating that it is tricky!!

[katrina1980]

Wow, your friend is going through a lot at once. It's great you can offer her support.

 

I'm soaking up Catfeeder's excellent post. It can be tricky sometimes knowing how to support a friend, particularly when its complicated and there are relationship issues involved.

 

You did a great job expressing concern and support without making this about her weight.

 

Tnx so much itsallgrand. :)

 

It's not even about her weight anymore though, if it ever was; no doubt it certainly appeared that way to some, hence the responses.

 

But I have friends who have gained more and who are larger, and have zero issue with it, there is no reason to. So what if they're heavier, they're beautiful as is my new friend.

 

But somehow w my new friend, on some gut level I knew it went deeper.

 

I also think the escalation of eating disorder (she said she's been struggling w it off and on for years) and issues with bf are related and since she's been to doctor, reality has hit and she is exploring it all now.

 

Like remember when she told me "I can't stop eating"! When I asked if anything in particular triggered it, she said no, only that she's bored and stressed.

 

This was the day after she had fight with bf and took his key back, she might not have put it together at that moment that those two things were connected, but she's starting to now I think.

 

Anyway, I can't tell y'all how much I appreciate everyone's (most) support and valuable insight, I got criticized and judged pretty bad by some at first (which I realize I asked for since I was judging myself); it's good to feel understood.

 

Thanks!!

[bluecastle]

(which I realize I asked for since I was judging myself); it's good to feel understood.

 

Not to be too much of an unlicensed shrink here, but I suspect, subconsciously, you wanted to be judged because that would have been the easier conclusion.

 

Basically: oh, I'm just being a superficial a$$ because of my own sh*t—slap on the wrist, end scene.

 

But that was never the scene, not really, despite the title of the thread.

 

You were concerned for your friend, justifiably, and now you know why.

 

You're a great friend, Kat, with a warm heart and sharp head. She's lucky to have you, as are we.

 

Best of luck navigating all this. Like I said earlier, I was in a similar place with a very close friend.

[katrina1980]

 

 

Basically: oh, I'm just being a superficial a$$ because of my own sh*t—slap on the wrist, end scene.

But that was never the scene, not really, despite the title of the thread.

 

You were concerned for your friend, justifiably, and now you know why.

 

You're a great friend, Kat, with a warm heart and sharp head. She's lucky to have you, as are we.

 

Best of luck navigating all this. Like I said earlier, I was in a similar place with a very close friend.

 

Bolded, no argument from me blue; I do have quite a bit of shyt I still struggle with and working through, owning all that. :(

 

So perhaps you're on to something there.

 

But yeah I was, and am, concerned about my friend; thank you for your kind words of support. :)