Judge Me Please - I Need a Good Kick In the Butt :)

[Tinydance]

Haven't read all the replies but can I ask you a question Katrina? Do you have friends that smoke or drink alcohol often? Are you on their case? Are you obsessing about their "health" and telling them to quit, to go to rehab, etc.? No? Seriously it is extremely annoying the amount of times people fixate on overweight people and think they need to be helped, encouraged, etc, etc. Even people who are not obese, but only chubby, get this. Yet someone slim is puffing on a cigarette and it's all good.

 

Guess what, many people who are slim actually also eat junk food. I have a friend (ex FWB) who is a very attractive, tall and slim guy. He seems to have some kind of amazing metabolism where he eats a huge amount of sugar and sweets, desserts (puts four sugars in a hot chocolate!). Eats a lot of chocolate, milkshakes, soft drinks. Often gets McDonald's. But he actually barely ever gets told that he's eating very unhealthy because he's attractive and not overweight.

 

So let's be honest here, when people tell overweight people they're unhealthy and need to lose weight, it's because deep down they just don't like the way that person looks. I also want to add that we may not always l like a friend's choice of look in many ways. E.g. they cut a hippie haircut that doesn't suit them, dyed their hair pink or something and you're out in public with them. Point is we need to like our friends for WHO they are, not their looks. If the friend doesn't match what your expectations of their appearance is then in all honesty I think the problem is actually you.

 

I have a friend who is quite large, obese even and also very unattractive in the face. I don't care, I'd even gone out to bars and night clubs with her and guys didn't approach us but that didn't concern me.

 

Being a real friend doesn't involve being judgemental. You already mentioned it to your friend before regarding her weight. Now it's up to her if she wants to do anything. Don't keep harping on about it, it's none of your business.

[katrina1980]

Tinydance, thank you for your response, but I think it would be helpful to read the entire thread, or at least my responses.

 

A LOT has been said, and I don't even feel the same way as I did when I first created it.

 

I have owned pretty much everything you have said, and agree!

 

Not that I mind a few more kicks in the butt, lol but I think it's time to move on from it now.

 

Lesson learned.

[shellyf62]

My sister has had screaming fits at her MIL about it, but it continues.

 

She actually commented on what I was eating immediately after my mother's funeral, which wasn't much. She commented on how "good" I was being. We had literally all been at the graveside one moment, and the next, she's commenting on my food. Um, lady, can you give me a minute....I just buried my mom. I'm not trying to be "good". Thanks.

 

That lady sounds horrendous.

For my Daughter's well being & self esteem I would honestly ban any contact with that woman.

She deserves no place in that family

[SherrySher]

I am just going to say it..unless you've got a health issue that you can't help, eating and being overweight is not good and it's not healthy.

 

It makes the heart work so much harder, it's hard on the joints, it's not healthy at all.

 

As for how she is dressing, I honestly don't understand that at all. Can she not afford to buy clothes that she actually fit? Or maybe she doesn't realize how bad it looks?

 

If she gained this much weight, this fast, I would seriously tell her that it's dangerous. Not even kidding.

Many people have had heart attacks due to overwhelming the system this fast with that much fat and weight gain in such a short time.

 

It truly does happen and she needs to be aware.

Just like starving yourself, it's just as bad to binge and gain weight this fast, in fact, it's dangerous.

 

As her friend, I do think you should tell her. She obviously doesn't know and maybe she doesn't realize how bad her tight clothes look.

 

Is this judgemental? I don't think so, you're being honest, you're trying to help, not harm.

 

Sometimes people have to be told for their own safety and their own sake and it's not always going things they want to hear.

[SherrySher]

You wouldn't watch your friend kill themselves with drugs or alcohol and not at least try to help, right?

 

Food addiction is no different.

[katrina1980]

Thank you Sherry!! For not judging me and understanding the premise of this thread! My motivations behind creating it.

 

You rock, seriously.

 

You know, reading all the different perspectives, my brain was literally in a whirlwind.

 

But your post sort of clarified everything for me, and yes, heart attack has certainly been something I have thought about too, for all the reasons you mentioned.

 

I agree about food addiction as well, no different from drug or alcohol addiction, both a coping and soothing mechanism, and an escape.

 

Again, thank you again for understanding all the nuances of the situation, means a lot!

[Jibralta]

In general, my stance on it is to be cautious in giving advice and comments on it at all, even when asked. It's so so easy for well meaning to hurt someone, it's such a delicate issue, and you can boost someone up without it.

 

I second this. As you can see the mere idea of giving advice triggers a lot of emotion in people who aren't actually involved in the situation. That anger and frustration can create a major roadblock to progress.

 

I don't think that you're coming from a bad place, Kat. Frankly, I didn't see much judgment towards your friend in your first post. You said you were judgmental, but the examples you gave were of her judging herself, and of her employer taking action about her appearance.

 

Most of what you wrote was an observation of Your friend's changing appearance, and your increasing stress. The closest to judgment I saw was this:

 

But to the eating, extremely unhealthy foods and LOTS of it, literally all day long. I spent a day with her last week and I was shocked at how much she ate in one day -- ALL unhealthy, burritos, fast food, chips, cookies, pizza, Mexican, you name it!

 

She is always telling me how fat she is (she uses that word) but it doesn't appear she wants to do anything about it, she says her bf loves her body as is (which is fabulous, truly!) but at the rate she's going, the way she eats and with most of her weight going to her tummy, I don't know how to make her understand how serious an issue it is, health wise! I also want to tell her how bad it looks appearance wise, but never would.

 

You aren't saying here that you think less of her for gaining weight; you're concerned that she's not helping herself and you're frustrated with her decisions to make things worse.

 

I understand that. I think it's normal to feel that way when you see someone you care for making bad decisions.

 

I think the weight issue triggers strong feelings in you. But you are aware of this and so far it seems that you have kept yourself in check.

 

I think the employer-issue would have been a good opportunity to bring her up short and help her recognize the reality of the situation. By sharing your observation and asking a casual question, you show nonjudgmental concern and support.

 

Sometimes that's all it takes to help someone along: knowing that they have someone on their side.

 

Anyway, that opportunity is gone, but if a similar one comes up in the future, you have an option.

[katrina1980]

Thank you too J! Means a lot. :)

 

 

As you can see the mere idea of giving advice triggers a lot of emotion in people who aren't actually involved in the situation. That anger and frustration can create a major roadblock to progress.

 

 

Yes I agree, I didn't understand it before, but I do now.

 

Anyhoo, I am off to meet her in a few. Not quite sure what I am going to do now, mention something or not, I will play it by ear.

 

But for all the reasons Sherry mentioned, I am going to say something soon, as gently and sensitively as I can.

 

If god forbid, something did every happen to her as a result of this, I don't think I could ever forgive myself if I didn't.

 

Knowing her as I do (and her knowing me) and the strength of our friendship, I really do believe she would appreciate knowing someone out there cares and is on her side.

 

I promise I will update afterwards!

[SherrySher]

Food addiction is very real and should be taken seriously, especially if you can see someone overwhelming themself in such a short time.

 

I would wonder about her mental state too.

 

Unhealthy habits that all of a sudden arise aren't something everything should ignore. I would be concerned about her.

[mustlovedogs]

Food addiction is very real and should be taken seriously, especially if you can see someone overwhelming themself in such a short time.

 

I would wonder about her mental state too.

 

Unhealthy habits that all of a sudden arise aren't something everything should ignore. I would be concerned about her.

 

Fine, but then make it about something else than the weight.

 

“Hey friend, I’ve noticed you’ve been different. Are things ok? I’m worried about you”

 

Is a LOT different than

 

“Your clothes are fitting weird. You’ve gained weight. Are you depressed?”

 

Also, for the record, Kat, you don’t know how much weight she gained. You’re saying 20lbs but that would be like 4 clothing sizes. Her size wouldn’t even button. It may be like 5, and her clothes make it look worse.

[katrina1980]

MLD, I would NEVER say "your clothes are fitting weird," or "I've noticed you've gained weight." Give me some credit please, lol.

 

I addressed it sensitively the first time and she was extremely receptive, didn't take offense at all.

 

But it's gotten worse so I think it warrants addressing again, gently and sensitively.

 

NOT "your clothes are fitting weird." I would never.

 

Oh and she is the one who said around 25 pounds. But she's gained some since then too, she's been complaining about it.

 

Like I said, most of it in her middle, which I KNOW is not healthy.

 

But you're right, probably not 25 perhaps she feels like she's gained 25. Does it really matter how much though?

 

Point is, it's not healthy and she's been called out by her employer for aesthetic reasons too.

 

>>Are things ok? I’m worried about you”

 

Exactly how I would approach it.

[SherrySher]

If people show unhealthy behaviors, we as their friends need to say something out of concern.

 

I agree, Kat, no need to say things that would hurt, but you can't watch your friend eat herself sick and not say anything at all, what kind of friend is that?

 

A lot of depressed people overeat and same with anxious or other issues. What I am saying is, it could be symptomatic of a deeper issue.

 

The thing is, yes, a lot of people are overweight, it happens, no one sets out to become unhealthy or overweight.

 

The difference with your friend is, that is a great deal of weight in a very short time and if she were my friend, I would be concerned.

[mustlovedogs]

The 25lbs matters because, if we are jumping on the food addiction bandwagon, 25 is a lot different than 5.

 

I’m sure you wouldn’t say anything like I phrased, but it can not come from a place of weight or appearance. Just concern.

 

Sherry, yours is still focused on food habits, which is why I’m emphasizing this.

 

Because remember: if she’s depressed, adding more guilt and shame will not help.

[ThatwasThen]

Just like any addiction if you enable it then that is just as, if not more cruel then mentioning something like what Catfeeder said regarding next time she says "I'm fat" or "I'm getting so fat" to simply ask her "so what are you going to do about it, luv" and then let her figure it out.

[SherrySher]

Because remember: if she’s depressed, adding more guilt and shame will not help.

 

I agree, Mustlove.

 

I think Kat would be going about it the right way though to ask if she's doing okay, anything bothering her, etc.

 

Gaining 25 lbs happens. I've been there. I think most of us have at some point. Life happens.

 

But most gain that kind of weight over months time, not weeks! That really does sound alarming to me and it's dangerous on the body.

[katrina1980]

Honestly I don't know exactly how much she's gained, SHE mentioned around 25.

 

Not sure if she's been weighing herself, but in any event, she's gained quite a lot, it is very very noticeable and yeah the short time period in which she's gained is very concerning, which is why I created this thread.

 

I do know it's more than 5 though, 5 is nothing, I have gained five and it was hardly noticeable.

 

Anyway, I'm a bit late meeting her now, so gotta run, I will update!

[Capricorn3]

>>Are things ok? I’m worried about you”

 

Exactly how I would approach it.

What if she replies, "I'm fine!! Why are you worried about me?". What do you say? Do you mention ... "well I noticed you have gained a lot of weight lately, in a short space of time", or mention something about her clothes not fitting and being way too tight? I know you (hopefully) wouldn't say that, but honestly curious as to how you would explain why you are worried about her, IF she replied that all is well and she is fine.

[Wiseman2]

There's an old saying: If you want a glimpse into the future, look at a woman's mother. Ok if this concern about her food, weight, clothes, etc is not a necessary or enjoyable activity, then why waste time on it?

it goes back to my mom my issues are related to her obsessive need to be thin and to keep ME thin

[Batya33]

Are you sure she's not pregnant? Is she sure? I know this was asked -but weight gain/short amount of time/middle (and of course the bra size goes up, etc).

[Batya33]

There's an old saying: If you want a glimpse into the future, look at a woman's mother. Ok if this concern about her food, weight, clothes, etc is not a necessary or enjoyable activity, then why waste time on it?

 

Because often we do things for friends that are not necessary or enjoyable. I think the cliche/expression you refererenced is that a man who is thinking of marrying a woman should look at her mother to see what she will look like physically in 25 years or so. Not whether she will have an eating issue that was facilitated by the mother.

[mustlovedogs]

What if she replies, "I'm fine!! Why are you worried about me?". What do you say? Do you mention ... "well I noticed you have gained a lot of weight lately, in a short space of time", or mention something about her clothes not fitting and being way too tight? I know you (hopefully) wouldn't say that, but honestly curious as to how you would explain why you are worried about her, IF she replied that all is well and she is fine.

 

There are other signs there besides weight gain, I can guarantee it. So watch for those before bringing it up and respond with it.

 

Is she coming to work later? Has her voice tone changed? Does she make more self deprecating jokes? (That answer is semi yes that I can tell).

 

When I was going through my thing, I was more irritable, emotional, tired, and my voice tone had flattened. Anyone who knew me at all should’ve been able to tell something was odd - regardless of the weight gain.

[Seraphim]

Sometimes too someone is just having a really good time in a relationship . I know when my mom was in her second marriage my stepdad liked a lot of fancy foods and drinks so they would have Irish coffee every night and this and that and before my mom knew it she had gained 30 pounds . She looked in the mirror and thought holy crap and stopped doing that and lost the 30 pounds . At times having a good time can get away from you.

[mustlovedogs]

Sometimes too someone is just having a really good time in a relationship . I know when my mom was in her second marriage my stepdad liked a lot of fancy foods and drinks so they would have Irish coffee every night and this and that and before my mom knew it she had gained 30 pounds . She looked in the mirror and thought holy crap and stopped doing that and lost the 30 pounds . At times having a good time can get away from you.

 

I agree with that. But I don’t think it’ll happen quite as fast as Kat is saying it happened

[Seraphim]

Gaining that amount of weight in a few weeks is extremely exorbitant . I am not sure how it is possible .

I agree with that. But I don’t think it’ll happen quite as fast as Kat is saying it happened

[Seraphim]

PS I consider a “ few “ weeks to be 2 weeks not like 8 weeks or something.