Judge Me Please - I Need a Good Kick In the Butt :)

[Starlight925]

This story breaks my heart and makes my blood boil. Why doesnt her family stick up for her? How can her Mother & Father sit by & let the grandmother belittle their Daughter?

 

If this was my Daughter the Grandmother would only ever speak badly about her once.

 

My sister has had screaming fits at her MIL about it, but it continues.

 

She actually commented on what I was eating immediately after my mother's funeral, which wasn't much. She commented on how "good" I was being. We had literally all been at the graveside one moment, and the next, she's commenting on my food. Um, lady, can you give me a minute....I just buried my mom. I'm not trying to be "good". Thanks.

[Seraphim]

My sister has had screaming fits at her MIL about it, but it continues.

 

She actually commented on what I was eating immediately after my mother's funeral, which wasn't much. She commented on how "good" I was being. We had literally all been at the graveside one moment, and the next, she's commenting on my food. Um, lady, can you give me a minute....I just buried my mom. I'm not trying to be "good". Thanks.

Wow, anyone who mentioned weight when I was burying my mom would get throat punched.

[RayRay63]

When my mom died, my doctor told me a significant weight loss would follow - a natural part of the grief process. You're in FFF mode.

 

I didn't feel like eating much either, LHG.

[maew]

Unless she asks say nothing. And even if she asks I would avoid giving advice unless you are trained as a nutrition coach... so much misinformation out there and people often like to simply tell someone to do what works for the person giving the advice vs the person receiving it.

[Billie28]

I believe that your friend while stating things like she is fat etc is actually somewhat in denial of how much weight she has put on.

And the reason she hasn’t bought new clothes is because she doesn’t want to admit that she is now actually a size bigger than what she envisions she is.

Her partner is not helping by saying he doesn’t mind her size.

He sees her naked and loves it and that’s great. But surely he sees her not looking great when squeezed into clothes that must be uncomfortable.

 

There are so many beautiful plus sized women out there that look amazing irrespective of weight or size.

Your friend is not one of them , but she could be with a little encouragement from you.

 

We are all judgemental. We exercise judgement everyday. It’s natural and exists in all of us.

To choose not to be her friend because of her weight would be poor judgement.

 

Sorry, I’m not going to kick you in the butt for being concerned about her weight for aesthetic reasons over health.

 

As I said , she is in denial and could do with a friend kicking her butt.

[Rose Mosse]

I think what's more disturbing is how terribly you think of her, not her looks or her health. Sorry, Katrina. I know you've already said you don't like coming across as judgmental. This is one gray area where it's really, firmly none of your business. If she's got functional eyes and a functional mirror at home, she's already aware of her own weight gain. It's likely she may have breathing problems (sleep apnea, asthma, shortness of breath, coughing), doesn't have as good sleeps, feels the tightness in her clothing and is already feeling the shame in having been talked to at work. Getting any more involved is just assuming she's daft or blind which is rude on your behalf. There's a balance between honesty and respect. In this case, it's the latter (respect/tact/diplomacy) that's required more.

[Tinydance]

I actually agree with what someone else has said. Whenever people say they are concerned about someone's "health", it seems like it's usually about people that are overweight. A lot of people smoke, drink, eat junk food and if they're slim usually people don't really say anything. You also see people saying to their overweight friends or just overweight people in general that they're concerned about their health, but yet when those same people see a smoker, they don't even bat an eyelid. This tells me that they don't actually care about people's health but they are just being judgemental (intentionally or not) about people's size.

 

Some people here said: "The friend's partner is really not helping by saying that he likes her just as she is". Um, well he obviously DOES like her just as she is and he's just being honest..? Or maybe he minds a little but he loves her, not her size, so he wants to tell her that to show her that he adores her no matter what. Not everybody actually has a problem with dating someone overweight. I don't, my fiance is like 25 kg overweight and size 3XL. I think he's really cute and hot coz I like his face and I don't feel any differently about his bigger body than if it was a skinny person.

 

I think of course we can all be shallow sometimes, we just can't help it, we are visual creatures. It's just that normally people would only make a quick passing comment about it: "Oh, Sarah has put on a bit of weight" but not really say anything else about it. Whereas you seem a bit preoccupied with what your friend is eating, what her partner thinks, what her boss thinks...You can of course have your own opinion but at the end of the day it is none of your business. You already mentioned something to her and it's her choice what to do so if she's not changing then how much more are you going to mention it? She doesn't have to change for you, or anyone else really. And you said yourself it's more about the aesthetic which is why I'm thinking yeah that actually is fairly shallow. Coz this is not someone you're dating or Tinder hookup, it's just your platonic friend so why does it actually concern you so much what she looks like?

[Jibralta]

I think an honest friend is a true friend.

 

Same. If my friend told me that her employer had reprimanded her for looking unprofessional, and I noticed the same thing about her, I'd tell her. "Hey, I noticed the same thing. What's going on? You usually look so nice."

 

When someone's whole appearance changes to the point that even their employer notices and says something, I think it probably indicates a bigger problem. She could be depressed, very stressed out, feeling helpless.

[Billie28]

I actually agree with what someone else has said. Whenever people say they are concerned about someone's "health", it seems like it's usually about people that are overweight. A lot of people smoke, drink, eat junk food and if they're slim usually people don't really say anything. You also see people saying to their overweight friends or just overweight people in general that they're concerned about their health, but yet when those same people see a smoker, they don't even bat an eyelid. This tells me that they don't actually care about people's health but they are just being judgemental (intentionally or not) about people's size.

 

Some people here said: "The friend's partner is really not helping by saying that he likes her just as she is". Um, well he obviously DOES like her just as she is and he's just being honest..? Or maybe he minds a little but he loves her, not her size, so he wants to tell her that to show her that he adores her no matter what. Not everybody actually has a problem with dating someone overweight. I don't, my fiance is like 25 kg overweight and size 3XL. I think he's really cute and hot coz I like his face and I don't feel any differently about his bigger body than if it was a skinny person.

 

I think of course we can all be shallow sometimes, we just can't help it, we are visual creatures. It's just that normally people would only make a quick passing comment about it: "Oh, Sarah has put on a bit of weight" but not really say anything else about it. Whereas you seem a bit preoccupied with what your friend is eating, what her partner thinks, what her boss thinks...You can of course have your own opinion but at the end of the day it is none of your business. You already mentioned something to her and it's her choice what to do so if she's not changing then how much more are you going to mention it? She doesn't have to change for you, or anyone else really. And you said yourself it's more about the aesthetic which is why I'm thinking yeah that actually is fairly shallow. Coz this is not someone you're dating or Tinder hookup, it's just your platonic friend so why does it actually concern you so much what she looks like?

 

Your partner is a 3XL and you love him .

That’s fine!

 

What if your partner wore clothes too small for him?

Would you not discuss this with him? Would you be ok with him wearing a medium and belly hanging out?

 

Because that’s what this thread is about!

[RayRay63]

Would you be ok with him wearing a medium and belly hanging out?

 

That is a horrible mental picture. I'm going to the gym first thing tomorrow!

[catfeeder]

I don't see how any of this impacts you except for the complaints. Good news is, you can turn those into an opportunity to ask what she wants to do about that and how you can help. Those questions turn mindless whining into rational thought in order to come up with a response.

 

As for her busting out of all her clothes, she got super pissed off at her employer cause they called her in last week and told her she needs to dress more professionally and wear outfits that fit the image of the company.

 

So the clothing issue, in case you're embarrassed by that, becomes self limiting: if GF wants to keep her job, she'll need to dress appropriately. So? I'd offer to take her shopping to find new clothing to address this problem. If she turns me down, then Done. On to the next topic. If she takes you up on it, she'll need to learn how to shop for a new size that fits. That can be an eye opener, and she'll need to decide how much money she wants to spend to accommodate her new size rather than slim down to the size of her current wardrobe.

 

If friend complains about being fat, I'd default to the first question, "What would you like to do about it, and how can I help?" If she ignores the question, then Done. Next topic.

 

That's really the extent to which any of this 'may' involve you.

[katrina1980]

 

I don't see how any of this impacts you except for the complaints. Good news is, you can turn those into an opportunity to ask what she wants to do about that and how you can help. Those questions turn mindless whining into rational thought in order to come up with a response.

 

So the clothing issue, in case you're embarrassed by that, becomes self limiting: if GF wants to keep her job, she'll need to dress appropriately. So? I'd offer to take her shopping to find new clothing to address this problem. If she turns me down, then Done. On to the next topic. If she takes you up on it, she'll need to learn how to shop for a new size that fits. That can be an eye opener, and she'll need to decide how much money she wants to spend to accommodate her new size rather than slim down to the size of her current wardrobe.

 

If friend complains about being fat, I'd default to the first question, "What would you like to do about it, and how can I help?" If she ignores the question, then Done. Next topic.

 

That's really the extent to which any of this 'may' involve you.

 

Bolded, thank you catfeeder that is a great way to approach this! Cause yes she does complain quite often how "fat" (again her word - I actually prefer overweight) she is, she also complains how tight and uncomfortable her clothes are.

 

Which makes this all the more confusing cause she just continues to eat. Almost compulsively!

 

I was planning to suggest we go shopping for new clothes (for me too cause I need some new things for Spring) but she has been complaining she has no money or is very tight. Can barely make rent for her and her son.

 

But yet, she can spend $15 per day (including tip) on lunch from Uber Eats? A restaurant food delivery service/app.

 

I dunno none of it makes sense, and the more I think about it, I think something may be terribly wrong.

 

I owned earlier it was about aesthetics but I'm really starting to worry about her health too now, like depression or anxiety or something else?

 

She seems very very happy though, happier than she's ever been, or so she says, but could it be a front?

 

In closing, I agree there are very VERY beautiful women who are overweight.

 

As I said in my original post, I have another friend who gained more than this friend, like 30-40 pounds, she's 5'9". She dresses appropriately for her size, and looks amazing!!

 

She also eats healthy, she and her now husband enjoy dining out often, which is why she gained. Her husband has gained too.

 

I dunno, I am still so confused about what's troublimg me, why I feel or felt before this thread the need to judge, it's really not like me.

 

I'm going to leave it alone for now, but continue to explore this within myself, and again I thank everyone for their insightful posts!

[katrina1980]

Just wanted to add, I don't have a sister, but if I did, I would defintely talk to her about this.

 

Encourage her to see a doctor, a full physical and mental evaluation. To rule out depression, anxiety, obsessive/compulsive or food addiction. Or something else.

 

I mean, a 25-30 pound weight gain within a few weeks? Or a month? This is not normal or healthy imo, nevermind the aesthetics.

 

And perhaps offer to lend money for some new things too, and suggest we go shopping together.

 

So why is doing same for good friend any different?

 

None of my business and I should look the other way?

[katrina1980]

Same. If my friend told me that her employer had reprimanded her for looking unprofessional, and I noticed the same thing about her, I'd tell her. "Hey, I noticed the same thing. What's going on? You usually look so nice."

 

When someone's whole appearance changes to the point that even their employer notices and says something, I think it probably indicates a bigger problem. She could be depressed, very stressed out, feeling helpless.

 

Yeah, I think so too now, J.

 

A cry for help perhaps?

 

Tnx.

[greendots]

Just wanted to add, I don't have a sister, but if I did, I would defintely talk to her about this.

 

Encourage her to see a doctor, a full physical and mental evaluation. To rule out depression, anxiety, obsessive/compulsive or food addiction. Or something else.

 

I mean, a 25-30 pound weight gain within a few weeks? Or a month? This is not normal or healthy imo, nevermind the aesthetics.

 

And perhaps offer to lend money for some new things too, and suggest we go shopping together.

 

So why is doing same for good friend any different?

 

None of my business and I should look the other way?

 

I'm certainly glad that you're trying to help her. No one eats a lot of garbage just because. There's usually something triggering this behaviour, - whatever it is, I'm hoping this will get addressed.

 

A true friend cares. She's blessed to have you as a friend!

[maew]

Bolded, thank you catfeeder that is a great way to approach this! Cause yes she does complain quite often how "fat" (again her word - I actually prefer overweight) she is, she also complains how tight and uncomfortable her clothes are.

 

Which makes this all the more confusing cause she just continues to eat. Almost compulsively!

 

I was planning to suggest we go shopping for new clothes (for me too cause I need some new things for Spring) but she has been complaining she has no money or is very tight. Can barely make rent for her and her son.

 

But yet, she can spend $15 per day (including tip) on lunch from Uber Eats? A restaurant food delivery service/app.

 

I dunno none of it makes sense, and the more I think about it, I think something may be terribly wrong.

 

I owned earlier it was about aesthetics but I'm really starting to worry about her health too now, like depression or anxiety or something else?

 

She seems very very happy though, happier than she's ever been, or so she says, but could it be a front?

 

In closing, I agree there are very VERY beautiful women who are overweight.

 

As I said in my original post, I have another friend who gained more than this friend, like 30-40 pounds, she's 5'9". She dresses appropriately for her size, and looks amazing!!

 

She also eats healthy, she and her now husband enjoy dining out often, which is why she gained. Her husband has gained too.

 

I dunno, I am still so confused about what's troubling me, why I feel or felt before this thread the need to judge, it's really not like me.

 

I'm going to leave it alone for now, but continue to explore this within myself, and again I thank everyone for their insightful posts!

 

People gain weight all the time... why does something have to be terribly wrong because she gained weight? It's not always about anything being "wrong"... people gain weight for all sorts of reasons... a lot of times it's just because they happen to enjoy eating processed foods more than they enjoy healthy options and make the choice based on what they like and what tastes good. Some people eat for emotional reasons, because they are bored, because they are happy, sad, angry, because they ignore hunger signals, because they are rewarding themselves... there are so many reasons.

 

Are you sensing that she has more going on than she is telling you? Maybe that's the real reason you are concerned. Or... and this is gonna hurt... is it that you think she makes you look bad by the way she dresses and looks? Because you say that you have another friend that has also gained weight but you don't seem to have the same concerns because she, as you put it, "dresses appropriately for her size and looks amazing." It wouldn't be the first time I have heard a friend try to fix another friend because they didn't want to be seen with someone that looked or acted a certain way. What gets in the way of you accepting her exactly the way she is?

[Batya33]

Just wanted to add, I don't have a sister, but if I did, I would defintely talk to her about this.

 

Encourage her to see a doctor, a full physical and mental evaluation. To rule out depression, anxiety, obsessive/compulsive or food addiction. Or something else.

 

I mean, a 25-30 pound weight gain within a few weeks? Or a month? This is not normal or healthy imo, nevermind the aesthetics.

 

And perhaps offer to lend money for some new things too, and suggest we go shopping together.

 

So why is doing same for good friend any different?

 

None of my business and I should look the other way?

 

Yes I agree- something is going on. I gained a great deal of weight relatively fast twice in my life -one was pregnancy and one was when I was put on a vile birth control pill in my early 20s. (gained about 10 pounds in a few months -a lot for me!). I had an undiagnosed eating disorder in my teens/20s and I can relate to everything you wrote. And I agree there is more going on here especially since she is acting as if she is in denial with the too tight clothing,etc.

[catfeeder]

...Cause yes she does complain quite often how "fat" (again her word - I actually prefer overweight) she is, she also complains how tight and uncomfortable her clothes are.

 

...I was planning to suggest we go shopping for new clothes (for me too cause I need some new things for Spring) but she has been complaining she has no money or is very tight. Can barely make rent for her and her son.

 

But yet, she can spend $15 per day (including tip) on lunch from Uber Eats? A restaurant food delivery service/app.

 

The opportunity is her employer's complaint. I'd focus on that. I'd tell her it's bothering me because it's serious and could cost her a job, which would make money even tighter. I'd offer to take HER shopping--I'd do my own on my own. Keeping the focus on her means you will HELP her to find good deals on things that fit her well, and you'll be honest with her.

 

She may be more motivated to go this way, because you're making it about her, not you. If she raises money as a barrier, you can suggest brown bagging some lunches until the clothes are paid off, and you don't need to buy everything at once--just a few pieces that she can mix and match into enough outfits to get her through the work week. That is, until she can spend more or won't need to, because the lunches she brings to work might help her to fit in some of her older clothing.

 

I'd tell her we can do as many shopping trips as it takes, but you suggest that she take her employer's warning seriously.

[katrina1980]

Thanks Bat and greendots, and others who support the notion that as a good friend, I should speak up.

 

I will be seeing her later so will update after, tomorrow.

 

And yes maew, it is about aesthetics too, I've already owned that.

 

Not so much I am embarrassed" to be seen with her, but more about wanting her to look and be the best she can be, so she feels better about herself too!

 

As she has expressed many times how "fat" she is, and how "disgusting" (her word) she looks. Which breaks my heart, seriously.

 

Over and above, or along-side, any personal feelings I have about appearance in general, due to my own issues re weight and appearance.

 

If you knew me personally outside this forum, you'd understand this about me.

[mustlovedogs]

Honestly, I don’t think she really is one of your friends. You only say bad things about her and even had a whole thread about how you DON’T want to be her friend.

 

IMO, you just need to stay away. She may be making those comments out of insecurity, hoping you’ll say something nice. I wouldn’t want to shop with someone like you - I can already imagine the judgemental eyes.

 

Say she asks you to grab a different pair of pants and asks for a 16? 18? Maybe 24?

 

Could you stop yourself from saying “really?” Without scorn?

 

Would you be comfortable going with her to a plus sized store?

 

Would you do it to SUPPORT her and build her up, or because you’re sick of looking at her?

 

I really can’t imagine you playing particularly nice with her shopping. I wouldn’t want to go with a frenemy who is arguably prettier than me and who is clearly judging me. So why would she?

 

Why would YOU? Honestly?

[katrina1980]

Not sure what thread you're referring to MLD, I never posted I did want to be her friend. Perhaps you're referring to a different friend I posted about late last year who cheated, not sure.

 

Anyway, I have not known her that long, but she's become a very good friend of mine, I adore her, she a great person. And beautiful (inside and out).

 

I tell her that all the time, and she tells me too, as friends we try and build each other up!

 

Anyway, I respect your opinion and will leave it at that.

[mustlovedogs]

So this isn’t the coworker that you thought had bad taste in men and you wanted to distance yourself from? That thread is gone, I checked, but I distinctly remember it.

[katrina1980]

MLD, I may have deleted that thread for privacy reasons. I don't remember exactly what was said, but in any event, right now, within the past few months, we've become very good friends.

 

Again, you're entitled to your opinion and I respect it, but I am not here to defend my friendship with her, nor do I have any desire to.

 

That is not what this thread is about.

[mustlovedogs]

MLD, I may have deleted that thread for privacy reasons. I don't remember exactly what was said, but in any event, right now, within the past few months, we've become very good friends.

 

Again, you're entitled to your opinion and I respect it, but I am not here to defend my friendship with her, nor do I have any desire to.

 

That is not what this thread is about.

 

It’s relevant because I can sympathize with this other woman and I’ve seen how you’ve spoken about her in the past. If you cannot shop with her kindly, if you cannot shop with her in a way that celebrates her, it isn’t fair or kind.

 

I still don’t think you speak very kindly of her, so from what I see and have seen, I wouldn’t want to shop with you because I think I would leave feeling more insecure.

 

I say this to keep it in mind.

 

ETA - the questions in my other post aren’t rhetorical, either. Would you go to a plus size store? What if she said her size were 16 or 18 or 20 or whatever? Would you also be shopping for yourself?

[katrina1980]

Yes of course if she were plus-sized, I would go!!

 

Absolutely 100% no question!

 

I may have my issues and hang-ups, but I am not a "fat" snob! Lol

 

And I already mentioned how beautiful many "overweight" women can be.

 

Clearly you don't get me at all, or the premise of this thread. Maybe even my last thread wherein I discussed our friendship, assuming we're talking about the same woman.

 

Which is fine, not everyone does, par for the course on these forums.