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Female perspective? Why do women ignore guys online but not in person?


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This is a common pattern I've seen, and I wanted to see if any women here could offer their perspective.

 

Here's a story (one example of several) from a few years ago.

 

I met a young woman while visiting my mother out of the country (the two were already good friends). She and I chatted, exchanged emails, and she seemed only somewhat interested in me as a person.

 

A couple of months down the road, we had added each other on Facebook, and I sent her a message (to initiate conversation) when she was online. I tried again a few weeks later, because I wasn't sure if my first one went through. Later on, Messenger showed she had read and ignored both of them. So it was clear I was beating a dead horse...I deleted her and wrote her off.

 

When I was visiting my mother again (later that year), the young woman was there again. My mom asked, "Do you remember our son, (my name)?" and she (unexpectedly) said "Yes, of course!" with her face and eyes lighting up as if I were her knight in shining armor. She reached out to hug me and kiss me on the cheek, as if taking it for granted that I would be thrilled to see her.

 

When I saw her around town the next few days, whenever we made eye contact, she would give the 'attracted/flirty' expression. Then when she saw me alone, she came up and touched me and asked me how I was. I remained aloof and said "fine, thanks" without even making eye contact. She then continued, saying "nice to see you" in a forceful tone, as if frustrated that I didn't reciprocate. Also, she had a boyfriend by then too...I still think she was just seeking attention.

 

Still, I'm wondering if there's any motivation you're aware of for this inconsistent behavior with messages vs. in-person. Also, why (in cases like this) would she proceed as if she hadn't blown me off and we were always on the best of terms?

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I don't think this is gender specific, as men do this too. What I can make of the scenario is this: when you first met, she wasn't really interested. You sent a message on Facebook, twice, and she ignored ...which confirms no interest.

Then at your mother's place, she had to put on a big "happy and enthusiastic" show in front of your mother because she couldn't exactly act like a dead fish. Her "nice to see you" was forceful, again, because from the get-go, she really wasn't into you and she was being "polite".

 

Well, that's my take on it, lol. Again, not gender specific. That said, no great loss. You can do a lot better. Move on.

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She's not interested in you at all. Take the hint. I think she's humouring your mother too and respects your mother but thinks she's off her rocker for thinking that she'd be interested in her son. How awkward. This is not a typical friend of a friend situation. Try not to date your mother's friends.

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When I was visiting my mother again (later that year), the young woman was there again. My mom asked, "Do you remember our son, (my name)?" and she (unexpectedly) said "Yes, of course!" with her face and eyes lighting up as if I were her knight in shining armor. She reached out to hug me and kiss me on the cheek, as if taking it for granted that I would be thrilled to see her.

 

I think this is a pretty clear indication of interest...

 

Are you actually interested in dating this woman? You behaved in an aloof way towards her, basically rejecting her flirting, and seem puzzled as to why she is blowing hot and cold. Maybe she doesn't want to waste her time messaging unless you are, hence the reason she ignored your messages. And why FB messenger and not text or a phone call?

 

If you aren't interested in dating then let go and move on... if you are, then ask her out so she is clear about your interest.

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Who knows? Maybe she was busy or had a boyfriend or wasn't interested in having conversations with you.

 

Don't worry about her. Find someone where you live.

 

Oh, I'm not even thinking about pursuing her...I just used this as an example to illustrate the point, because it was the clearest I one I could think of. Again, this was years ago anyway.

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I think this is a pretty clear indication of interest...

 

Are you actually interested in dating this woman? You behaved in an aloof way towards her, basically rejecting her flirting, and seem puzzled as to why she is blowing hot and cold. Maybe she doesn't want to waste her time messaging unless you are, hence the reason she ignored your messages. And why FB messenger and not text or a phone call?

 

If you aren't interested in dating then let go and move on... if you are, then ask her out so she is clear about your interest.

 

In this particular case, because she lived out of the country and I can't text/call internationally.

 

Just to confirm, maew, you're female too, right? Your gender doesn't show up. I just wanted to make sure, because I found it interesting that you had an opposite take on the situation from everyone else.

Edited by Grizzly584
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She's not interested in you at all. Take the hint. I think she's humouring your mother too and respects your mother but thinks she's off her rocker for thinking that she'd be interested in her son. How awkward. This is not a typical friend of a friend situation. Try not to date your mother's friends.

 

That's true too, and I don't think I would...I don't even have family here in So-Cal, and prefer to keep my prospects here. It's only the puzzling behavior I'm questioning, since it can apply to others. But yeah, she was probably trying to be gracious towards the mother...so why couldn't she just let it go instead of continuing dangling the carrot when my mother wasn't even there?

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In this particular case, because she lived out of the country and I can't text/call internationally.

 

Just to confirm, maew, you're female too, right? Your gender doesn't show up. I just wanted to make sure, because I found it interesting that you had an opposite take on the situation from everyone else.

 

I do identify as a female yes :)

 

I tend to be a lot more animated in person than I am over texts and actually get quite impatient with having to respond to messages... if this post were about me, I would tell you that how I am in person would be more authentic and emotive than how I was over texts.

 

Perhaps that’s just me tho.

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remained aloof and said "fine, thanks" without even making eye contact.
So you were rude you're saying?

 

She was being cordial in person because that is what well brought up people are taught to do. She certainly wasn't IMO "dangly any carot." Maybe she doesn't like idol chatter of the ethernet kind. I know I'm not too jiggy with it myself but if I saw you in the street, I'd certainly greet you with a smile... Particularly if you were a friend of my mothers.

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It's harder to ignore someone when they are standing right in front of you. It's also easy to forget to answer an email. Someone sent me a work-related email over the weekend that I needed to reply to. I never met this person before. And I totally forgot to email them back. They sent a reminder email, and I forgot again. Then right now, a person who I worked with very closely for years emailed me reminding me to respond to the email. And I did it right away. The first person, I never met and forgot about the email as soon as i read it. The second person I know very well and respect them, so I made sure to do what they asked.

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That's true too, and I don't think I would...I don't even have family here in So-Cal, and prefer to keep my prospects here. It's only the puzzling behavior I'm questioning, since it can apply to others. But yeah, she was probably trying to be gracious towards the mother...so why couldn't she just let it go instead of continuing dangling the carrot when my mother wasn't even there?

 

I am trying really hard to see a carrot .. anything that looks like it's in the shape of a carrot or even a heritage carrot that's purple or white and I still cannot see or feel any carrots. Perhaps you're easily excitable?

 

If you're finding people being facetious or two-faced around you, it's not unusual. I'm not sure why you're too perturbed by it. It happens. Sometimes it's called social graces, other times it's just superficiality, other times it's genuine misunderstanding. Other times, people do it to keep the peace. If you worry yourself over things like these you'll give yourself a heart attack. Just filter. Relax and let it go. The only person you're hurting is yourself.

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It's harder to ignore someone when they are standing right in front of you.

 

This.

 

She was trying to be nice in front of your mom, OP. It would have made her look bad had she claimed not to remember you. I would hold off on assuming her eyes lit up like you were her knight in shining armor, too. You might be projecting there and misreading her, given that it sounds like you don't know her very well.

 

I don't see any signs of interest in her part, beyond trying to make herself feel better for ignoring you. Sorry, man.

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I wouldn't waste my time either in long conversations online with a man from another country. My real life takes priority to online conversations, and if I'm busy there's no time to entertain online conversations and their not a priority to me. But if I'm with in person I'll of course be nice and talk to the person.

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