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My gf is abroad on an exchange program, we're both 22 and been together for a year. After two months apart I noticed her behaviour becoming weird, I confronterend her and had to drag it out of her. She ed a guy, twice. I dumped her on the spot, dropped off her stuff at her mom's place. But I've been thinking about our relationship before she left, it was golden, I'm trying to see the bigger picture.

 

I was furious, I made her feel like for what she did. I've been through lots of emotions and am able to think quite rationally now. So i called her without notice, she was crying, and happy I called. I'm already going down the mental path to grant her a second chance. We had a trip planned next week, everything is booked and payed for. What I'm thinking of doing is go see her, talk face to face, maybe offer her the chance, allow her to try and fix it and then decide if forgiveness is an option. If not, I will continue travelling solo, no problem.

 

Her 'explanation' is this. This guy made drunken love confessions to her multiple times, which she denied each time. One night, she drank so much she passed out on the street, hurt her face, it was bleeding like crazy (saw pictures) and she doesn't remember any of it. That's when this guy saw his chance to take her home which is when it happened. The second time was also a night she alledgedly blacked out, when her friends saw them kissing in the club and disappearing after. She said she thinks he's a just fun guy. This sounds as if this guy is messing with her head and waiting for when she doesn't know what she's doing, like a predatory scumbag. He was fully aware that she wasn't single. I told her that, and she doesn't see it like that, she says that she doesn't know what happened, so she might as well have allowed it all, and owns up to what she did. Crazy thing is, I believe her. I know her well enough for that, just like I could look through her to know something happened. The moment I told her I knew, she opened up completely.

 

She owns up to what she did, 100%, doesn't try to find excuses at all. Even though she was drunk as , she admits it's her responsibility. Doesn't deny my feelings. Takes the I give her. Begged me not to hate her. Takes it very seriously and wants to do everything to make things right. I interrogated her on why, how, when she did it and hid it. She told me she couldn't bear telling me for it would break me, and sort of ignored the fact that it happened. There was no real reason she did it, nothing was lacking in our relationship.

 

Call me naive, but I am convinced she was drunk up to the point where she couldn't say no to the guy. And I am convinced she genuinely regrets it. I told her to think really good, that if she thinks she's worth a second chance, it's up to her to prove her worth. That she shouldn't do it all out of regret but out of love for me. That step one is blocking this guy in every way possible. She agreed to everything, showed me messages and she did. My forgiveness is not something given easily, all I have done now is opened the path for it, so it's up to her to show me just how much I really mean to her. In any case, I told her that IF we start over, she has to stop drinking so much, go partying less. When she does, I need to know who's there etc. I expect calls and everything. She has to give up part of her privacy. She agreed and I know I'm still going easy on her.

 

I don't know if this is a sign of weakness or strength from my side. She didn't do it premeditated and doesn't take this lightly. This exchange program is known to cause strain in relationships. I know multiple people who cheated or have been cheated on in this situation. Maybe it is an honest mistake?

 

I mean, if I gotta be entirely honest, I wouldn't know entirely sure if I could keep it in my pants being abroad for 6 months. I don't know how I would handle it if I was the cheater. For example, I did some really bad illegal stuff in the past, even when caught, I physically could not tell my dad about it, I could not. So I can get that. I believe in second chances...

The way we talk now is 100% serious, open and transparant. Makes me think a newfound relationship would be even stronger...

I can only hope I'm not being stupid here.

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I tried telling her that. She showed me messages with the guy. He doesn't even seem into her in any way. She told me she thinks he only likes her because of how she loses control when really drunk. I told her that's practically rape, but she doesn't see it that way. She still thinks it's her fault as well and I think it's a positive thing she takes responsibility.

 

I see this as the guy taking advantage of her, and her being naive about it. In any case, she owns up to it, and she didn't do it premeditated.

 

But yea, she passed out, her face bleeding, not knowing what happened, and the guy still went with it. That's really really really low.

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Sorry to hear this LDRs are very difficult and you were right to simply end things. Now you are both free to do whatever and see whoever you want.

 

I made it VERY clear that what we had is dead and buried. That I am prepared to give her the opening to prove herself and to regain my trust, after which I will decide if it's worth forgiveness. If we're going to continue, we're not going to salvage what we had, it will be something new and stronger, otherwise no deal.

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Making her grovel, atone and jump through hoops is to punish her. You're not interested in her anymore except getting even like this. You're wasting your time.

I am prepared to give her the opening to prove herself and to regain my trust, after which I will decide if it's worth forgiveness.
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Making her grovel, atone and jump through hoops is to punish her. You're not interested in her anymore except getting even like this. You're wasting your time.

 

I agree making someone atone for being raped is like ..... wha????

 

Just because someone is drunk doesn’t give anybody a right to rape them. Rape is totally on the rapist not the victim .

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Making her grovel, atone and jump through hoops is to punish her. You're not interested in her anymore except getting even like this. You're wasting your time.

 

To be honest I really genuinely still am interested in her. I don't want to make it seem like I forgive her like that. She told me she's surprised I didn't level her with the ground completely for what she did. I mean, isn't it normal that I expect her to put in a good deal of effort to prove I'm not being stupid for granting her a chance? This is all relatively fresh, i know it since last week and I already feel my anger fade away. I get your point though, but I'm really not interested in making her suffer, there's no point in that.

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I agree making someone atone for being raped is like ..... wha????

 

Just because someone is drunk doesn’t give anybody a right to rape them. Rape is totally on the rapist not the victim .

 

Hey, come on. She really doesn't see it like that. She said she's in the fault. She told me she 'likes' the guy, and allowed him. She was still unfaithful, drunk or not. I'm not interested in making her suffer. But as I said, I'm going to see her face to face, which will be much clearer than calling. If she would agree she was taken advantage of, that's other story. Don't paint me like the bad guy please.

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It is still rape to have sex with a drunk person wether people see it that way , don’t know the law or rapist t... like the other guy.

 

However, based ONLY on the fact she likes him ( for what reason I have no idea) I would just be done.

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It is still rape to have sex with a drunk person wether people see it that way , don’t know the law or rapist t... like the other guy.

 

However, based ONLY on the fact she likes him ( for what reason I have no idea) I would just be done.

 

She liked him as just a fun guy. She told me she didn't feel attracted to him, nor was interested in him romantically. So what I think is that this guy is a typical playboy who has no self respect that he tries to score with drunk girls.

 

That's the thing. Going by what she tells me, I also think of rape. But I don't know the full story yet. Because she doesn't see it like that, maybe there was more about it. I still have a lot of questions for her.

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Maybe she doesn’t understand that it is rape. But that guy belongs in jail and depending on the country a girl one day will put him there.

 

Would you think this changes anything? I think it's clear she didn't know what happened herself, didn't do it premeditated but still couldn't tell me. And I get that telling something like that it's hard, it just testifies of little respect for me. She's very serious about wanting to make it right. The acting like nothing was wrong means more to me..

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If she doesn’t know what happened then she was too drunk to consent. No consent =rape.

 

I completely agree. But I still feel cheated. Especially because she didn't tell me. I want to take this into consideration if I forgive her, but she has to see it like that. I just don't know what to think.

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Making her grovel, atone and jump through hoops is to punish her. You're not interested in her anymore except getting even like this. You're wasting your time.

 

Agree with Mr. Wiseman's first sentence.

 

You are punishing her OP, and punishment has no place in a loving, respectful relationship. My opinion.

 

Don't agree with second sentence cause only you know how you feel. You say you love her and as an objective reader, I believe you. They're your feelings after all.

 

As for rape, that is an extremely serious accusation I don't think can be determined on an anonymous message forum. Especially in the third person (not the person it actually happened to).

 

She's owning her role in what happened which I personally believe is good thing.

 

If she felt violated and is concerned she was raped, let the authorities gather all the evidence and facts and it's for them to make that determination.

 

I do think a situation as you described is forgivable and can make you, as a couple, closer and stronger. Assumimg you both have the emotional tools to resolve in a healthy way. Without fear and without punishment.

 

I've seen it happen.

 

However, one thing that is concerning is her drinking!

 

You said she was seriously drunk both times. This needs to be addressed otherwise, it may (and probably will) happen again.

 

It doesn't appear she has any self-control so if you choose to forgive, encourage her to get help for the drinking. And continue communicating! That is huge.

 

Good luck!

Edited by katrina1980
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Quite apart from her taking responsibility for the fact she was raped (she's not alone in blaming herself - victims of child sexual abuse do, too) the conditions you intend to impose on her

When she does, I need to know who's there etc. I expect calls and everything. She has to give up part of her privacy. She agreed and I know I'm still going easy on her.

amount to coercive control - which is a crime in the UK.

 

You don't trust her and want to punish her; by no stretch of the imagination is this 'going easy on her'. This is not a good basis for a relationship. If she agrees to this, it suggests that she's someone who takes the blame for the injustices which others put onto her - the rape, and now you - and she needs to address this or she's got a lot of abuse ahead of her.

 

For yourself, find someone closer to home who doesn't, in your book, require this level of policing. It will get tedious for you, checking up on her as if she was a criminal with a tag. Find someone you can trust and feel secure with, rather than someone where you will constantly fear betrayal.

 

LDR's are difficult enough without all this rubbish.

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I completely agree. But I still feel cheated. Especially because she didn't tell me. I want to take this into consideration if I forgive her, but she has to see it like that. I just don't know what to think.

 

My last response was late.

 

You feel CHEATED? Because she was RAPED?!

 

Are you KIDDING me?!?

 

She is a *victim*. She was *violated*.

 

This isn’t an issue of infidelity. Grow up and support her through this issue, or walk away. But stop playing these petty mind games.

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Quite apart from her taking responsibility for the fact she was raped (she's not alone in blaming herself - victims of child sexual abuse do, too) the conditions you intend to impose on her

amount to coercive control - which is a crime in the UK.

 

You don't trust her and want to punish her; by no stretch of the imagination is this 'going easy on her'. This is not a good basis for a relationship. If she agrees to this, it suggests that she's someone who takes the blame for the injustices which others put onto her - the rape, and now you - and she needs to address this or she's got a lot of abuse ahead of her.

 

For yourself, find someone closer to home who doesn't, in your book, require this level of policing. It will get tedious for you, checking up on her as if she was a criminal with a tag. Find someone you can trust and feel secure with, rather than someone where you will constantly fear betrayal.

 

LDR's are difficult enough without all this rubbish.

 

I agree, I was victimized by society and sometimes even my own family attitudes for decades due to lack of education . I refuse to allow this anymore.

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My last response was late.

 

You feel CHEATED? Because she was RAPED?!

 

Are you KIDDING me?!?

 

She is a *victim*. She was *violated*.

 

This isn’t an issue of infidelity. Grow up and support her through this issue, or walk away. But stop playing these petty mind games.

 

She wasn't raped. She consented.

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