Have I Ruined the Marriage?

[RayofLighten]

Vehicular. Several car pile up.

 

That's scary. I had a lorry smash into me deliberately once on a junction. Scared the hell out of me and my daughter. I kept having bad dreams for a few weeks but luckily my daughter didn't.

[ninjabib]

Astrogirl I've been in your position and if you hang around and try and fix without getting better it will create an irrepairable rift between you and destroy everything.

 

You need professional help first and foremost. This is not an attack on you. If you get better and show you are seeking help then down the line you may have a chance but he is not able to cure you.

[j.man]

Yes, they are civil. My daughter is hurt for me as she knows he’s not speaking to me, but apart from that will not get involved and will remain civil with him should things get back on track.

Why would this be information she knows?

[Wiseman2]

Your therapist should be dealing with your trauma and your anxiety. Nitpicking your husband to death makes everyone sick, most of all your child. Just stop. You know you are doing it, so just stop. Let your husband cool off, protect your child and stop using her as a therapist/marriage counselor.

 

On top of all this you manipulate the situation further by threatening divorce? Don't go to a lawyer, go to a doctor. That's what you can tell your husband. That you are making an appt with a doctor for a checkup/follow up on this trauma/anxiety and a therapist to help you sort it out.

Recently, I suffered a trauma that has led to anxiety.

 

I know I have taken it out on my closest but it has led to bickering with husband.

 

I answered I was going to see a solicitor. We currently live in different countries.

[Hollyj]

Did your family move out?

 

You have been married, awhile . Why is this visa taking so long?

[Hollyj]

When was the accident? Were you hurt?

[Gary Snyder]

Well this marriage has multiple issues - a long distance relationship, PTSD from and accident (which is probably temporary - that said it could last for years. And he has a bad attitude. Plenty of good couples don't yell and scram and have only a few arguments per year. You living on pins and needles, wondering when he is going to blow his cork next, is no way to live.

 

I recommend counseling.

[Rose Mosse]

Your husband is rude and has a temper. You're a bit traumatized from the yelling and your car/commute issue. I'd suggest stop bickering altogether and putting pressure on him to say goodnight to you. Why would you want a rude person wishing you goodnight in the first place, regardless if he's your husband? If you suspect he's straying or if you are insecure about the marriage, release that insecurity and remind yourself that if someone wants to go, he can go. You have no power or control over anyone's behaviours or actions.

 

I'm also sensing that you're seeking for approval and comfort from an uncomfortable person (your husband) and this becomes a cycle of nonsense because he doesn't like your neediness and the more he expresses to you how pathetic you sound, the more hurt you become and this keeps compounding your sense of insecurity.

 

Take a time out and have a good chat with yourself, pull yourself together and tell yourself everything will be fine. Don't look for comforts elsewhere and don't expect it from anyone, even your husband. At some point you're going to have to function and stand on your own two feet if not for you, for your child.

[MissCanuck]

OP, you mentioned he'd gone MIA before. Under what circumstances and for how long? You also concede he has a bad "verbal temper" which suggests that this is not the first time he has lashed out at you.

 

I agree with the other posters that seeking help to deal with the trauma of the accident is a great idea. However, I also strongly get the impression that there are pre-existing problems in your marriage that you're hesitant to elaborate on here, for fear of painting your husband in a negative light. In other words, I have a funny feeling you're attempting to take the blame in this scenario because spelling out the truth about the dynamic in your marriage might mean you hear things you don't want to hear - and not necessarily about you, but him.

 

Am I on to something here, or not?

[Astrogirl]

When we first got together if we bickered he wanted it sorted straight away there and then. Plus, he always buys nice things. Not expensive but things that mean something with thought. However, he’s leaving it longer to sort out and many a time he’s been at fault. Sometimes I could say something nice and he’s taken it out of context and blew up and I’ve been like: what the heck? However, this time I take full responsibility for my mood and I am truly sorry. However, a friend just made a good point to me by stating if he calls and I don’t at least attempt to speak to him and explain his absence only served to hurt me in fear of him blowing up then I’m willing to allow him to control things by keeping my mouth shut and scared of voicing my opinion to keep him by my side. It’s true. Often when he shouts I do keep quiet out of fear of an argument. But this time my mood did contribute to the falling out.

 

Many good replies by the way so thank you

[Astrogirl]

It’s not about the gifts, by the way. It’s the caring thought he puts behind it. I do buy him too. Visa not sorted because of my temporary commitments in my country. I’m a student.

[Astrogirl]

Yes, my shoulders, neck and back took the impact. Apart from that it’s the anxiety. It happened a few weeks ago.

[Rose Mosse]

When we first got together if we bickered he wanted it sorted straight away there and then. Plus, he always buys nice things. Not expensive but things that mean something with thought. However, he’s leaving it longer to sort out and many a time he’s been at fault. Sometimes I could say something nice and he’s taken it out of context and blew up and I’ve been like: what the heck? However, this time I take full responsibility for my mood and I am truly sorry. However, a friend just made a good point to me by stating if he calls and I don’t at least attempt to speak to him and explain his absence only served to hurt me in fear of him blowing up then I’m willing to allow him to control things by keeping my mouth shut and scared of voicing my opinion to keep him by my side. It’s true. Often when he shouts I do keep quiet out of fear of an argument. But this time my mood did contribute to the falling out.

 

Many good replies by the way so thank you

 

If he calls you he should be on his best behaviour. Don't let your conversations escalate and try not to discuss serious issues over the phone. Look for a video chat or some other face to face method of speaking where there is more visual representation. A person can easily hide their emotions over a phone or screen and there is lack of authenticity and accountability. Try to pick your battles wisely and don't talk about serious issues late at night or when both of you are exhausted. You don't have to feel guilty for your emotions.

 

Honestly, this marriage doesn't sound like it's very healthy or like it's working for the both of you because it's long distance primarily and there is very little opportunity it seems to conduct any form of authentic communication. Don't ever let someone shout at you. End the conversation and start up another time. If he continues shouting at you this is not a marriage. It constitutes verbal and emotional abuse.

[Astrogirl]

Someone else told me it’s verbal abuse. If he calls should I answer straight away and if so, do I just ask him what he wants?

[Rose Mosse]

Someone else told me it’s verbal abuse. If he calls should I answer straight away and if so, do I just ask him what he wants?

 

If you're both on neutral terms (not arguing through text all day etc or some other tense situation), I don't see why you wouldn't pick up the phone and see what he has to say. I'm sensing that you feel very nervous and anxious and this has completely hurt you so badly that you're not able to function or think straight. I do think that you've normalized this behaviour to the point where you're not sure what to think or do.

 

Upon picking up the phone if you are already predisposed to some irritation or annoyed with him, it's not going to work. You'll need to check yourself also and any resentment you have. Honest conversations are not devoid of opinions or emotions but they should leave room for different opinions.

[Astrogirl]

You’re right. I am terrified of his response. If I call it will be all about his opinion and he’ll shout over mine.

[Rose Mosse]

You’re right. I am terrified of his response. If I call it will be all about his opinion and he’ll shout over mine.

 

Have a mini time out. Don't call him. Let him approach you. If he calls you to continuously verbally abuse you, shorten the conversations. Shorten them until he understands that his manner of communication is not going anywhere. It does not make you less of a wife. Shortening the conversations does not mean that you think of him any less or that he has any less of a say in a matter. He will eventually understand that delivery matters.

[Astrogirl]

I just wish he would call. I’ve accused him of being emotionless on a number of occasions

[Rose Mosse]

Let him be. Different people need different levels of autonomy and independence. People do have to feel free to come to you. At the end of the day if he's not what you signed up for in terms of a partner or what you think constitutes a marriage or a marriage partner, it really is your decision to pull the plug. Issues beyond a certain limit will start to look goofy on you if you aren't willing to change your own situation.

[Astrogirl]

Yes, I am staying out of his way. I believe silence is the only way until I’ve figured out and cleared my head

[RayofLighten]

When we first got together if we bickered he wanted it sorted straight away there and then. Plus, he always buys nice things. Not expensive but things that mean something with thought. However, he’s leaving it longer to sort out and many a time he’s been at fault. Sometimes I could say something nice and he’s taken it out of context and blew up and I’ve been like: what the heck? However, this time I take full responsibility for my mood and I am truly sorry. However, a friend just made a good point to me by stating if he calls and I don’t at least attempt to speak to him and explain his absence only served to hurt me in fear of him blowing up then I’m willing to allow him to control things by keeping my mouth shut and scared of voicing my opinion to keep him by my side. It’s true. Often when he shouts I do keep quiet out of fear of an argument. But this time my mood did contribute to the falling out.

 

Many good replies by the way so thank you

 

What? Allowing him to take control? That's not how a marriage works, plus that's abusive. It has to be equal, open and honest. There is barely any of this happening in your marriage so i don't know how you expect to keep it afloat. It's doomed.

[RayofLighten]

You’re right. I am terrified of his response. If I call it will be all about his opinion and he’ll shout over mine.

 

I'm honestly wondering why you even with this guy. Your family don't like him. Your daughter hates him, and he treats you like crap. He is abusive and isn't even in the same country. You're clearly not happy so what's the point? I know you'll say 'because i love him' but how can you love someone so horrible?

[Wiseman2]

You need to go to a doctor and therapist to discuss your stress and anxiety. You state that you start all the fights because you are angry and "take it out on the closest ones". Does he send you money/support you? Is that why you stay married? Is it a visa marriage? Is the child his or from a previous relationship?

You’re right. I am terrified of his response. If I call it will be all about his opinion and he’ll shout over mine.