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bf says i'm manipulative, heartbroken and blindsided by break up


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Some backing information to know is my boyfriend is 23 and I am 21F. He is a recovering meth addict and has no car or job. He also has a 2-year old daughter. I have known him since I was 12 and we have always had a thing but have been in a relationship for 9 months. This is a person I love and care deeply for as well as his daughter. He tells me he loves me and wants to marry me often and that has sort of just been the plan I guess. I anticipate this will be a long post.


Past issues have been him cheating on me or just being disloyal in general to me, lying about drug use, getting overtly angry, insulting me, and always number one; accusing me of things I have not done. He has admitted before that he has anger issues and is the type of guy to punch walls and stuff. Most of the time I have to bite my tongue when he's being disrespectful because if I say how I feel and it doesn't benefit his story, he blows up and tells me I'm manipulating everything. This has resulted in a few very bad fights, the worst time being him standing over me screaming in my face how ed up I am for not doing something perfectly the way he wanted me to and I put my hands on his chest and pushed him away. He got in my face again and started smiling saying it's all my fault for "ing" and now he can call the police on me, etc. He spits in my face and threw my stuff yards away outside, screaming violently. When I called my mom crying and asking her what to do, I told her that he says I am ing about this and that is why he has done these things. He hears me say this and screams "I didn't say that! You're lying!" but he literally did say exactly that right before the phone call. Afterward, he says I manipulated my mom and made him look bad because I said that. I don't understand how that is manipulation by stating exactly what had happened and I felt. This instance is just an example of the general pattern of our fights over the last few months.


We somehow made up from that and now about 3 months later, he's obsessed with telling me I manipulate everything. To the point, where I can't even say one thing in disagreeance without him going off: "I gave you hints! See you're doing it again! You're manipulating! I'm so sick of you!". For example and this is going to sound so ridiculous and what is currently breaking my heart right now, last night we were alone chilling at my house and he was in kind of a bad mood from other issues in his life. I was happy just getting to spend time with him and us getting alone time together. He's going on about he can't relax and he just wants to be drunk so he goes and gets alcohol. He gets back and a few minutes later he asks me if I will give him an enema with the alcohol so he can get drunker. It's called "butt chugging". I'm cringing just from typing this. I've never done that before and know it's dangerous and honestly is kind of gross to me so I was hesitant to do it, like it made me uncomfortable that he wanted to do it so badly. I said I didn't really want to, he becomes so angry and pissed off and says that I'm so basic and I "don't want to have a life but he wants to" and asking in a harsh tone why won't I do it. This upsets me and I go into the other room. I come back and he sees that I have cried and I told him it's no reason to get angry like this and to say all of those things to me. He becomes more annoyed and says he doesn't believe he did anything wrong and I finally give in and do this. During this, alcohol spills on his face and he got mad and said "How many times did I tell you to go slow?!" and scolds me like a child for not correctly administering this to him as he wanted so badly. I told him I was sorry and that I've never done this before. I ask him what's the big deal and he harshly tells me to leave him alone and that I couldn't do a simple thing right. This is completely ridiculous to me so I tell him to stay there and don't come to the bedroom. I go to my room and cry because it hurts that I'm treated this way over something so silly and he acts like I'm so stupid for this. He comes in and says I'm the one making it a big deal because I "freaked out" but he was the one who got so triggered over this. He screams as he's standing over me telling me that I'm nothing and I do nothing and all I want is to "get f*cked". and he's screaming this over me with his hands up and saying it's been a boiling point for him for a long time. He's saying he's mad because I never want to hang out with his friends, his friends who have stolen from him and regularly do meth and are constantly in trouble and getting arrested, etc. I am an introverted person but we have definitely hung out with better people and have had a good time. I also want to go out on real dates like bowling or museum or whatever but he doesn't have the means to do it and I told him it was okay, that I didn't care about material things and that I would stay with him through his struggles. I don't think it's fair to say any of that. Of course, me saying he got mad at a simple thing and said hurtful stuff, his response is that I'm manipulating. He escalates it further and says he doesn't care about my feelings or if I'm hurt and that he has lied to me the whole relationship about loving me. He makes fun of me and mocks me for crying. This drives me insane and I plead with him to please stop saying these things. I try to fight my way through it and make points against his behavior. He says he is single now and immediately went to telling everyone on Facebook that he broke up with me and wants to hang out with someone. I ask him to not leave because if he does it'll truly be the end and he won't be able to fix it after. He stays at my house for the night and tells me to go to the other room and cry while he just goes to sleep. I don't think it's right that I have to wait until he decides. I want the problem to be resolved immediately but he doesn't want to communicate. I ask him to calm down and we can talk about this normally and he refuses and dismisses me.


The next morning, he's still in a bad mood and I actually apologize for participating in the fight and want him to know that I do still love him. I even made him breakfast. He says he loves me too but keeps saying okay over and over in an effort to ignore my attempts to communicate. I start crying again and he rolls his eyes and gets up and starts leaving and I beg him to give me answers and he goes off about how I'm twisting the situation and won't leave him alone. It just upsets me even more and he disorients me in the way he talks in circles even when I'm trying to get back on track and repeating the main point. I leave the room for 30 minutes. I hear him screaming to himself and everything. He randomly walks in and hugs me and holds me for a long time and says he is sorry and I tell him I am sorry too. He says I should know automatically that he doesn't mean it when he says he doesn't care about me and says I am the one that coerces him to say those things. He wanted me to go back to his house to help babysit his daughter and I told him I wanted to stay home tonight to have a night to ourselves after all that has happened and to avoid fighting more. He says "See, this is what I'm talking about! You don't want to do anything for me." and says I'm forcing him to walk home alone carrying all his stuff. I told him he didn't have to walk and I gave in and told him if he really wants me to go I will go and he told me it's okay and that he loves me and he left anyway.


An hour later, he shows back up with all of his stuff and his daughter and says "I just had to walk across town carrying my stuff and a toddler, thanks a lot." That confuses me because he seriously didn't have to walk, he could have gotten a ride but I feel like he just wants to be able to say I ed up somehow. He also had me under the impression it was okay at the end. The day goes on and he's on me for literally everything and criticizing me heavily all day and keeps saying how manipulative I am. He's having random outbursts of anger over his shower water being too cold and storming out yelling cuss words. We try to talk and I tell him I've never tried to attempt to manipulate him and I always say exactly what I feel. And if I feel he is overreacting or acting unnecessarily, I'm going to say that. He says he thinks I'm lying so that he will be the only one in the wrong. He mentions again about me going home with him tonight and again I say I wanted to stay home. He gets mad again and says I don't care about him etc and I desperately try to defend myself and the whole time he's saying he doesn't want to hear me talk and that he's single and we're done and I told him why would I give you a ride if you treat me this way when you could just admit you shouldn't have said any of that to me. He says fine, he will walk and says I'm forcing him to walk home and I tell him he still has a ride if he calms down. He rips off his shirt in front of his daughter and throws it and proceeds to get in my face screaming at me and I try to say something back, I raise my voice to get him to hear me several times and he tells me I'm messed up for fighting in front of his daughter even though he continues to scream at me. He said he's sick of me and my manipulations and we're through forever. And that I don't care about his daughter because we fought in front of her. I feel so terrible for that too. I disagree with him saying I don't care because I'm the one who pays for all of her stuff and has babysat and bonded with her multiple times for him and chose to love and care for a child that isn't mine. I've lost so many of my belongings to him and so much money and he said he won't pay me back. I have been there for him through everything and supported him fully through his addiction and all of his struggles and have never once strayed from him. He got all his stuff and left and I haven't talked to him since.


I feel so broken and empty from all of this and I feel guilty and just despair because this was a person I was so deeply in love with and truly devoted myself to him completely. I feel I have not been treated fairly and I have no idea what to do. I cannot defend myself because any defense I have is that I'm manipulating and just trying to be right. No, I've said sorry for my faults and have told him I am not a perfect person and I don't desire to be innocent. I desire communication, understanding, and patience in my relationship and he refuses all three and blames me for everything after. I am a firm believer in telling the truth even if it's bad or admitting a mistake I think I made to have a better chance of resolve than to lie and still be suffering on the inside and in the long run. I feel traumatized by this relationship and like I've lost my sanity and dignity. Right now, he's telling everyone that I kicked him out and forced him to walk home and he broke up with me because I'm a manipulative person. I haven't told anyone about this except my mom because that is the only person I trust at this point. I'm posting this to get advice and if anyone has an idea as to why this has happened or why he has been this way. I can not find any justification for him doing this to me and being so cruel. I can't find any peace of mind. I feel so alone. I apologize for any grammar being incorrect or if it seems like run-on paragraphs but I'm very emotional right now.

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Is this real? Please get some counseling through insurance if you can. You need to go until you can understand that his actions have nothing to do with you and he's the one manipulating you. You're only 21, please run away from this guy as fast as you can. The person you used to love is gone and you're left with all of his horrendous mistakes. You'll never be able to do anything right as long as he is down and out, so please stop being there for him to take the abuse. He won't get better either if you're enabling him by not letting him grow up and figure it out for himself, and carry his own stuff and babysit his own daughter that he has no business being around.

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I know the term "emotional abuse" gets tossed around a lot on this forum, but your situation as you described has got to be one of the most blatant and egregious displays of mental/emotional abuse I've ever read on here.


What did your mom say/do after she literally listened to your boyfriend's disgusting behaviour and wrath towards you? Did she try and talk to you, demand that you LEAVE?


I know you're 21 but my mom would have come to get me, gotten me out of that dysfunctional and abusive environment immediately!!! Knowing my mom, she may have even called the authorities.


Forbid me to see him and gotten me help/therapy in an attempt to educate me about abusive relationships such as yours is.


Where is your dad?


I don't know what your family dynamic is -- may I ask, is this how your dad treated your mom? Therefore, you see your bf's cruel, manipulative, abusive behaviour as normal?


It's NOT!!! It's horrible, disgusting, dysfunctional, controllong, ABUSIVE and dangerous. He's also a cheater!


My advice is to (1) get the hell out of there asap before he kills you and (2) educate yourself on abusive relationships, including why you allow yourself to be treated this way and in some instances take the blame and apologize.


Good luck hun and wish you the best moving forward.

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I'm very sorry you've been treated so poorly, OP. Please do continue to lean on your mom for support.


He's behaving this way because he's a violent, drug-addicted abuser. You will never be able to extract logic from someone like him. You will never be able to enjoy a healthy, loving, mutually-respectiful relationship from someone like him either. What you desire is not out of line at all, but you won't be getting it from him. He's too far gone. The erratic mood swings, fits of violence and other abusive behaviour is part and parcel of a nasty drug addiction in a very troubled individual.


What you need more than anything is to separate yourself from him completely, forever. You would also very much benefit from counselling to help you understand why you tolerate the abuse for this long, and why you felt it was a badge of honor to stand by someone who treats you like dirt, addiction or not. What you were doing there was enabling him. Somewhere along the way, you have developed a very unhealthy and codependent view of love. Unless you tackle what is at the root of that, and work on it, you are likely to find yourself with another abuser in the future. Don't worry about what he's telling other people about the break-up right now. It isn't important. What's important is that you do a better job looking out for you and getting the help you need.

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If and that’s a big if, he isn’t taking meth, what is he taking?


You are partly enabling his behaviour by accepting it.

You are still with him, begging him to stay which is only basically telling him that you accept his behaviour and all it takes is a hug to forgive it.


He clearly should not have any custodial rights to his daughter and if you even care a tiny bit for his daughter , you would end the relationship and report him to child protection services.


I’m sorry for what you have gone through, it will NOT get any better and it’s up to you to get out.

You don’t live with him, you don’t have a child with him , you can make a clean break.


What are you going to do?

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I agree you're enabling him by staying.


My story: After six years including getting engaged, my fiancé became heavily involved with hard drugs, meth and coke.


His behaviour toward me changed for the worse (won't get into it but it was bad) and as soon as it entered mental/verbal abuse territory, I walked out!!


Long story short, my walking out was the best thing that ever happened to HIM!


And me, but I say him as my leaving forced him to recognize his abuse and how out of control his behaviour was and he sought help, entered rehab. He's 100% clean now last I heard.


I am in a much better and healthier relationship now too!


I shudder to think where we'd both be had I chosen to blame myself and not have the strength or self-esteem to leave.


Enabling him as you're doing.


I hope you're readng and at least considering our responses OP.


Again, i wish you the best of luck, leaving is not easy, but necessary to your own healing, growth, self-esteem and self-respect.

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Get away from him and once you are safe, report him so you can protect the child.


Start your life over without him. He is not the man you think he is. That person is gone, taken by his addiction.


You only get one life. Spend it wisely.

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Please seek immediate therapy! Report him to CPS. Where are your parents in all of this?


Why would you choose a lying, cheating, manipulative, abusive meth addict as a partner? That makes no sense. Plus he has no job or car. He is a total loser!!!


Why do you think so little of yourself? Your family and friends approve of this? This guy is the bottom of the barrel.


You lost your "dignity" when you started dating this guy.

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I was happy just getting to spend time with him
Sister... how can anyone be happy with a piece of crap like him? Call you mother and move back in with her if she will have you. While you are there, get the therapy t help you with your self-worth that he has clearly destroyed.


If you stay with him, then you deserve everything you get because he's an abusive mental case and staying is you enabling him to treat you like he does. There is NO WAY he will ever change.


Where is is daughter's mother? I hope she has full custody and he has been ordered to stay away from her. If he hasn't been then call children's services on him and get her away from him or she will end up like you... with some guy she is happy to spend time with between bouts of emotion/verbal/physical abuse. Surely you want better for her even if you don't think you deserve better.


Get away from him now.

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The mother was on the phone with her while he was abusing her! Heard everything.


I cannot for the life of me figure why her mother didn't get her the proper help and is allowing this to continue.


I think I posted my mom would have called the authorities, come to get me and dragged me out herself if she had to. 21 or not.


I am only guessing but this leads me to suspect this is all very familiar to the OP, perhaps she witnessed this herself growing up, how her dad treated her mom. She thinks it's "normal."


Abuse tends to cycle down in families from what I understand. Whether you're the one abusing or the one being abused.

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^^^ Very likely...


When I called my mom crying and asking her what to do, I told her that he says I am ing about this and that is why he has done these things. He hears me say this and screams "I didn't say that! You're lying!" but he literally did say exactly that right before the phone call.
Maybe her mother has tried to do the dragging out but Op keeps going back???


Anything is possible and we can speculate but the reason I posted the way I did because anyone who didn't need therapy would just get the blip out of there as soon as the first violent outburst took place. (at the very least, long, long before now.


IMO... Op needs straight up, in her face awakening.

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Thank you to everyone who has replied. I feel like I’ve had moments of clarity over the past days. I didn’t think about how I enabled him by continuing to stay to try and prove my loyalty or something. I was the only one in his life who strongly rejected his drug use and the only person who insisted he go to rehab. He used to be extremely suicidal and would tell me I was the one person he had and that I was so important to him. He went to rehab and had me under the impression that he hasn’t done any more drugs but his behavior continued. It’s very hard for me because he builds me up so high and then breaks me down and makes me have this overwhelming feeling of wanting to prove myself all over again. or I’ll remember the happy times and it just crushes me that it had to be this way and I’ve spent so much time with him. my mom has encouraged me to leave multiple times, but I went back because I truly thought it would get better. and for the questions about his daughters mother, she is not around that much and is still using meth, couch hopping with her boyfriend. it’s a terrible situation. he uses his daughter as the ultimate excuse for any behavior and makes me feel incredibly guilty for it. I feel like I’ve been brainwashed by this person, and I’m looking into going to therapy to heal from all of this.

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You might want to think about going to al-anon meetings as well as therapy to help you figure out what "codependency" means and how to distinguish between "caregiving" and the dysfunctional opposite which is "caretaking." Do your therapy and your al-anon meetings in a place close to your mother and move back in with her (if she'll have you). Get away from him, luv. Don't let him do your self-worth any more damage.

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You might want to think about going to al-anon meetings as well as therapy to help you figure out what "codependency" means and how to distinguish between "caregiving" and the dysfunctional opposite which is "caretaking." Do your therapy and your al-anon meetings in a place close to your mother and move back in with her (if she'll have you). Get away from him, luv. Don't let him do your self-worth any more damage.


I second this. I'd also question the value of viewing yourself as victimized. Challenging that view is empowering, because it's less about trying to assign 'blame' and more about giving yourself a break for the trial and error of a learning experience. I'd take from this that it's not healthy or normal to accept mistreatment from anyone, especially with the added mistake of believing that behaving well enough would manipulate a change in the person who has already shown you their capacity for mistreatment.


Use therapy, AlaNon meetings and any valuable self help materials you can find to consider what may have prompted you to accept another's drug use and mistreatment as anything other than something to run away from.


There are millions of good people in the world to meet and befriend, and doing so will teach you how to adopt health and kindness and generosity as your own norms from which you will never deviate--for anyone. Accepting anything less into your life does nobody any favors, it just sets you up as an enabler of someone else's lousy behavior.


Advice from Grandma: "The problem is not that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when you have not yet adopted the self esteem to avoid picking up the snake to play with it."


Head high, and thank yourself for moving beyond the snake.

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