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Hello everyone,

 

I recently got engaged to my boyfriend of 5 years. We have had a long distance relationship. I left my country to join him and although I have lived in Germany for a year we only recently moved into the same place.

 

I had always wanted to get married to him but we didn’t really discuss it before he proposed so it was a bit of a shock. I said yes anyway and spent 2 months adjusting. At first I thought the shock may just have been regular engagement nerves but now I’m not sure I want to marry him anymore? We don’t have much in common. I’m a devout Christian and he sometimes mocks my faith. He only recently warmed up to the idea of kids, iv always wanted them. I can pick out more differences than I can commonalities but according to many, this isn’t a problem.

 

My problems:

* He is very violent in his speech. Often condescending and sarcastic and mean. It hurts me deeply, he apologizes and repeats a few days later. It’s like automatic.

* He shouts and yells and treats me like a child. I haven’t got my drivers license and he has to help me with a lot of my documents because the system here is daunting and foreign. But he does it when he wants to and I have to kiss his ass first.

* He watches me cry when I’m upset about something he has done and doesn’t react. On many occasions id cry in the car for 2 hours and it’s like I’m not even there. For me someone crying is a big deal. I don’t know if I cry so much that he is now desensitized or if he just doesn’t care?

* Im looking for a job. It’s stressful and I don’t speak German fluently either. We chose to move in together and move out of Berlin to a smaller town for his job which isn’t the best idea for my career but I was willing for our relationship. It’s depressing because I’m really struggling to find something and he has picked up the habit of insinuating he works hard and I just sit around doing nothing.

* He belittles my bouts with depression and says I’m just not focused and need to get over it and work and stop being lazy.

* He calls me his little egg - because I’m so fragile.

* He must be stressed at work and he takes it out on me. I constantly feel like I’m walking on egg shells I don’t want to upset him and get into trouble. But it’s also putting distance between us as I feel I can’t share things unless I know it won’t irritate him.

* I feel when I express my emotions he doesn’t take me seriously n plays along to revert things back to normal but it never changes.

* Yesterday he hurt me with his sharp tongue and I responded in silent treatment. When I was ready to talk he was unresponsive and has been ignoring me for 2 days now. But he is the one that hurt me - why has he turned the tables?

* I think his dad was a bit emotionally abusive to him and his mom, she was always depressed and crying. I wonder if this adds to why he treats me like this?

* He has bad night terrors and screams and talks in his sleep at least 3 nights in a week. He strangled me twice in his sleep but unconsciously (it could have been anyone don’t think it’s got anything to do with me). His sister attempted suicide and his mom was always depressed. His dad was very very hard on him. I have told him to seek counseling but he is not proactive.

 

I understand that context can get lost and I am by no means perfect. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so sad. I don’t know anymore what to expect from a relationship. If it’s just a rough patch, if things will change, if I am indeed overly sensitive and dependent. I am too ashamed to call of the engagement, my parents would be embarrassed. And I do think I love this man but I’m not sure if these are warning signs or just the pains that come with transitioning from long distance to living with each other.

 

I am so far from home. I have no friends in this country and don’t want to let any of my real friends or family know what’s happening. Please help me 😭😭😭

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Sorry to hear this. You already know he's abusive. The question is how to arrange leaving and moving back home. Tell everyone you know what is going on and ask friends and family for help and support getting back home and out of there. You must tell people. Silence and isolation the the abusers best tools. Stop allowing yourself to be hurt and protecting him.

I am so far from home. I have no friends in this country and don’t want to let any of my real friends or family know what’s happening.

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There is no shame in ending an abusive relationship. The only real shame and damage is staying in one, or even worse, bringing children into this to be abused also. Tell your family what is really going on and don't sugar coat it. What you describe has nothing to do with differences between you, it's pure abuse. You need to get out of this situation immediately. There is no shame in moving and finding out that the person hid a very dark side from you. Getting away is all about personal health and self respect, not to mention survival. You don't want to end up a statistic as verbal abuse turns to physical.

 

You know he is abusing you and there is no excuse for his behavior. What you might not know is that abusers don't get better, don't get fixed. There is no happily ever after because underneath the abuse is a deep sense of entitlement and sense pleasure at abusing you. That stuff is pathological and he was born that way, not made. Plenty of people grow up in abusive, dysfunctional households and do not ever go on to abuse others. It's a deep core personality issue.

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Yes. He is abusing you.

 

What stood out to me: you said he watches you cry but doesn't have a reaction. That's kind of scary!

 

You also mentioned that he calls you his little egg because you're fragile. That really sounds like he's bringing in humor over the simple fact that he can easily hurt your feelings.

 

 

I think you know the answer to your question. I mean you listed some solid reasons of things that you clearly see as "wrong" I think you should wait until you're steady to break up with him but I'd start stabilizing myself so I'm able to financially and emotionally walk away from this abusive relationship. It sounds like you're already done with it, you just need a solid push and I hope establishing yourself to be on your own pushes you to follow your gut.

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As someone who was in an emotionally abusive relationship and didn't realize it until later, you are in one but as mentioned before it's something we know but can't say out loud. I know it's hard to tell you friends and family but it's what is going to help you take the courage to leave. Please do, as he has showed he doesn't want to change or deal with the issue. Also this could turn physical as he sees you don't confide in your loved ones and put up with the emotional aspect.

Go back home dear, this isn't the relationship you need

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He is abusive and does not respect or love you. It will get worse.

 

I would hope that you would never consider having children with someone like this. Would you want them to end up like him or his sister?

 

Get the hell out of there! You have already wasted 5 years of your life on this creep!

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I am too ashamed to call of the engagement, my parents would be embarrassed
As parent of a daughter I would want her to be happy. I certainly wouldn't want her marrying the animal you describe in your opening post so do NOT be afraid to call off the engagement and get yourself home to them. I am sure they would rather you did that then spend money on your funeral when he chokes you to death while "in his sleep" or when you get divorced a year down the line when you can't stand his treatment a minute longer.

 

Get out of there now. It is better you leave now then get a job there, get married and then end up dead or divorced.

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