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I hate my brothers ex and I feel depressed about his break up,am I normal?


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My brother was with this girl for nearly 6 years and she was like a part of the family. They had a house together and were engaged until she decided she isn't in love with him anymore and out of nowhere told him it's over.

 

Now I know no ones perfect but my brother treated her so well, he paid for lots of things and was always picking her up from somewhere or doing things for her and she says he has been taking her for granted where I see it as she has taken him for granted and I'm so mad at her it's safe to say I hate her.

 

I've been so depressed over this I hate that she has hurt him like this,he doesn't deserve to be hurt at all as he is a wonderful person. I've been crying on and off and just miserable. I am engaged and i can't imagine what he's going through, I feel sick. He said He wants to stay friends with her but I really dont want him to. He deserves better.

 

Is it normal for me to be affected so much? I know our parents are very upset too and told him theres no forgiving her. I feel the same.

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He probably did take her for granted - unfortunately it happens a lot. Maybe he slacked up during the relationship in one of the following areas: romance, respect, affection, or trust.

 

But it's pretty normal for you to take your brother's side. Blood is thicker than water, as they say.

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Just relax, it's their issue. Yes it's normal to be upset for him, but not normal to be this involved or hateful. He's your brother so of course you'll take his side. It doesn't matter why they broke up. All breakups are he said/she said. Stop communicating with her and any of her people, delete and block her from all your messaging apps and social media. "Hating" her will not ease your brother's heartache and is not supportive. Focus on simply being there for him and staying neutral. Just listen. Do not trash talk her. That never helps.

she decided she isn't in love with him anymore and out of nowhere told him it's over. Is it normal for me to be affected so much? I know our parents are very upset too and told him theres no forgiving her. I feel the same.
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I can understand you feel upset and sad for your brother. It's normal to feel protective and struggle when they hurt.

 

The truth is that you don't know their inner dynamics as a couple; only they know that. You know his side, which is valid, but you don't really knows hers. Nobody can ever really know how a couple is behind closed doors. Whether or not they stay friends isn't your call. My own brother stayed in a toxic relationship well past its expiration date, and while I secretly hoped they'd one day set each other free and and move on, it wasn't my place to try to tell him when and how to do so. I supported him through the break-up, but kept my negative feelings about his ex to myself.

 

I would be concerned that crying on and off and feeling this hateful is a sign there's something more going on inside you. My friend had a similar reaction once to a family member's break-up, and it turned out it was triggering some of her worst fears because her own relationship wasn't exactly on solid ground either. She was experiencing some past and present hurts, and living out future fears, in watching her loved on suffer a painful split. She was very worried that the same would someday happen to her. So, I would start by reflecting on how your own relationship is going, and whether your reaction to your brother's break-up is triggering you in some way.

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She didn’t suddenly out of nowhere that it was over.

Stop being so naive.

He might be perfect in your eyes , she might be perfect in her families eyes.

The bottom line is they were not perfect for each other.

 

And it’s a good thing they discovered it sooner than later. Don’t you agree?

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She didn’t suddenly out of nowhere that it was over.

Stop being so naive.

He might be perfect in your eyes , she might be perfect in her families eyes.

The bottom line is they were not perfect for each other.

 

And it’s a good thing they discovered it sooner than later. Don’t you agree?

 

Yes this and you don't know both sides. It's nice to pay for things but she wasn't his prostitute right? So that's certainly generous on your brother's part and irrelevant to whether they are a good match -and don't assume she lead him on, etc. I think your feelings are normal in the sense of your feelings are about you - you are now worried that your engagement won't work out "randomly" (because you see this as out of the blue even if it is not). And yes you're worried about his health but if you're this worried then why now and why not years ago when he started dating her - were you this worried then that if things didn't work out he'd go into a depression? When is your wedding date -that might be feeding into your stress.

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The only thing I think is I am deadly scared to lose anyone who means so much to me and my brother is in that category where I feel like I worry about his mental health as we suffer anxiety in our family.

 

So right here are the two very valid reasons this bothers you so much:

 

You are really scared that this could happen to you, and you fear for his mental health.

 

Explore those feelings, those fears, and work on them within yourself.

 

I'm so sorry about what happened to your brother. Yes, people can change on a dime. It's happened to me. In most cases, the person who leaves has had feelings building up for quite a while, even if they don't show it, so it seems that it happens like that....snap....but in reality, it was probably brewing for quite a while.

 

Give yourself some good self care, and show your brother your support, as this is most likely an extremely difficult time for him. When it happened to me, I was absolutely devastated, so I empathize.

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I can understand you feel upset and sad for your brother. It's normal to feel protective and struggle when they hurt.

 

The truth is that you don't know their inner dynamics as a couple; only they know that. You know his side, which is valid, but you don't really knows hers. Nobody can ever really know how a couple is behind closed doors. Whether or not they stay friends isn't your call. My own brother stayed in a toxic relationship well past its expiration date, and while I secretly hoped they'd one day set each other free and and move on, it wasn't my place to try to tell him when and how to do so. I supported him through the break-up, but kept my negative feelings about his ex to myself.

 

I would be concerned that crying on and off and feeling this hateful is a sign there's something more going on inside you. My friend had a similar reaction once to a family member's break-up, and it turned out it was triggering some of her worst fears because her own relationship wasn't exactly on solid ground either. She was experiencing some past and present hurts, and living out future fears, in watching her loved on suffer a painful split. She was very worried that the same would someday happen to her. So, I would start by reflecting on how your own relationship is going, and whether your reaction to your brother's break-up is triggering you in some way.

 

So right here are the two very valid reasons this bothers you so much:

 

You are really scared that this could happen to you, and you fear for his mental health.

 

Explore those feelings, those fears, and work on them within yourself.

 

I'm so sorry about what happened to your brother. Yes, people can change on a dime. It's happened to me. In most cases, the person who leaves has had feelings building up for quite a while, even if they don't show it, so it seems that it happens like that....snap....but in reality, it was probably brewing for quite a while.

 

Give yourself some good self care, and show your brother your support, as this is most likely an extremely difficult time for him. When it happened to me, I was absolutely devastated, so I empathize.

 

I agree with both of these.

 

This is clearly not about her. Also as others mentioned you dont know their true relationship, no one does but them but to you, you saw a man give everything and still be devastated, so you've been knocked off center it seems.

 

Yes definitely explore this.

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Their relationship may have looked perfect on the outside, it may not have been on the inside. Things were probably eroding little by little over time. People can out grow each other, wanting different things, wanting to take life in a different direction. So stop pointing the finger at her. It was probably both their fault, maybe from not listening or not communicating properly. It happens. Relationships end, it's a natural progression of life. Now it's perfectly normal to feel heartbreak. Losing a relaitonship is like losing a loved one. You all are going through the grieving process. Look up the 5 or 7 stages of grieving. It takes time but in about a month, everyone should be feeling much better. Week by week the waves of pain start to dissipate. It's all about healing...it's good for everyone to experience it, because it teaches you how to cope. Just be supportive to your brother, be his light, be positive.

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I have been thinking about it and I don't hate her I'm just dissapointed because I know how much my brother loves her, she was already part of the family a long time ago. I wouldn't speak badly of her as my brother doesn't want that and it's not helpful to him or anyone.

 

It might be weird for some people but my family isn't very big so when something like this happens it really hurts as we are all very close.

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I have been thinking about it and I don't hate her I'm just dissapointed because I know how much my brother loves her, she was already part of the family a long time ago. I wouldn't speak badly of her as my brother doesn't want that and it's not helpful to him or anyone.

 

It might be weird for some people but my family isn't very big so when something like this happens it really hurts as we are all very close.

 

Yes, I think many of us can relate. I am also very close to my brothers and it hasn't been pleasant when they've suffered heartbreaks over the years. Some of their exes were like family, and the same was true when I went through my own breakups and had to extricate myself from my exes' families too. It's hard. Nobody here faults you for that.

 

The point many of us are trying to make is that you are allowing your own emotions to become tangled up in his, which is not healthy (to the extent you described here) While I don't doubt you feel a lot of empathy for your brother, it would be worth reflecting inwards to try to determine what's going on within you that has you this shaken up.

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Feel guilty for me being happy and him not being happy. Feel sad for my parents going through this with him.

 

Feel guilty for having my engagement party coming up and expecting everyone to be happy. More than anything just guilt.

 

It's not about anything except that, as I am happy with my fiancee who is very supportive

of my family and i.

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Feel guilty for me being happy and him not being happy. Feel sad for my parents going through this with him.

 

Feel guilty for having my engagement party coming up and expecting everyone to be happy. More than anything just guilt.

 

It's not about anything except that, as I am happy with my fiancee who is very supportive

of my family and i.

 

If your brother knew you felt all this guilt he would tell you to stop being so utterly ridiculous. No one should ever have to feel guilty for being happy. It will get better for him in time so don't cause issues in your own life because of this.

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It's natural to feel upset for your brother, but also for yourself because you loved her. However, all relationships being voluntary, nobody needs anyone else's permission in order to exit any relationship that isn't working for them. Since nobody else is living our love lives FOR us, nobody else gets a vote. Breakups don't make anyone a villain, they're an unfortunate part of life.

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It's not about anything except that, as I am happy with my fiancee who is very supportive

of my family and i.

 

What I mean is that perhaps this is your biggest fear too - your fiance suddenly deciding he wants out and leaving you. I don't mean he's done anything to suggest he wants out, to be very clear. But sometimes our sense of security is deeply shaken when we see some of our worst fears actually play out with those we love. "If it can happen to them, can it happen to me?"-type thinking. We wind up reacting to the fear of the same thing happening to us.

 

Allow me to illustrate with an example: My own best friend seemed to almost take it personally when I found out that a long-term ex of mine had been unfaithful (years ago now) We were all shocked, as he really didn't seem capable of it, but we were wrong. She was particularly upset and later explained to me that a lot of her projected anger stemmed from the fear that if a guy who seemed to be as great and upstanding as my ex could cheat, she worried maybe her own man could do the same. She has always pinned both of them as great men, and was disturbed to learn that such a guy could secretly behave so poorly.

 

Something to think about.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Thanks guys, I am much better now, at the time I posted this I was very upset. I'm still upset but can see the blessing in disguise.

 

It seems that she did the right thing she didn't love him anymore and he's not the first person to have experienced this. Millions of people go through this everyday. Doesn't change that I know how happy he was and is devastated. That hurts the family but we will help him, it'll all be ok eventually.

 

When one of us hurts we all hurt and it sucks but it's a part of life.

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