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Need advice on girlfriend


Ethanlien
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It is difficult to describe succinctly the "problem" (hopefully there isn't one), but here goes:

 

1. I met her through mutual friends and she came recommended - 5 months ago

2. We started dating a month later, but she needs a visa to stay in the country

3. So even after 3-4 months of dating, I agreed to get her an engagement (pathway to marriage) visa, not cheap! -- currently going through application with a lawyer

4. I shower her with holidays and expensive luxury gifts. I pay for most of our living costs, as she has no job here (due to tourism visa).

5. I am off to see her parents, and she has already met mine.

6. We have regular sex (started with once a day, now once/twice a week)

7. I work out 3-4 times a week, keep fit, have a very good job. Never speak to other girls, keep my life simple: job - relationship

8. She has moved in with me. She cooks now and again, does a lot of cleaning. So she does contribute that way

9. She buys me presents and her family is rich, but I always pay for things.

 

Normally, each day is good. I would prefer more talk time, but she has her own world and I have mine. However, in the past week she has grown distant and critical of me. Yesterday (Saturday), I got up early to go into work and print out her visa application support documents. When I got home, she was very cold. During and after dinner she was critical of me from everything to chewing noise to my pay cheque and where I work (which are pretty good!)

 

It just doesn't feel right. Whilst this has only been less than a week, but you know something is wrong...

 

Of course I am trying my best and giving this time, but I really want people's feedback here. I am freaking out.

 

At 36, I am a total failure in relationships. I always give it 100%, but it seems the female side always looses interest after several months.... Maybe I am too boring (see 7), meh.

Edited by Ethanlien
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You wont like this, but I think she sees you as her ticket to stay in your country. You need to think long and hard about this since you are putting yourself on the line to try to help her stay there. I think you are making a mistake with her and she's now showing her true colours since her visa app is in the works.

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Indeed, the worst possibility is that the acting has reached its limit and she is now showing her true self. Bored with the imperfect me...

 

Shall I secretly pause the application (I am pretty sure I can do that without her knowing), because it takes a 1-2 months, and see how she behaves?

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Of course she cries, she knows that if you get upset with her that it means she has to go back to her own country.

 

She doesn't love you, you're a meal ticket and a visa.

 

You can continue on if you wish, but don't be shocked when she receives permanent and she is gone and wants nothing to do with you.

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What do you mean she came recommended?

Looks like a scam where these so called friends are scouts who pointed her in the direction of a lonely man so she could get that visa.

They knew she wasn't a permanent resident , so why would they 'recommend' her?

 

Anyways, this isn't a relationship and it's a mistake to view it as such. It's an arrangement, where she gets pampered by you and a visa. And you get, to have someone in your house who resents the sight of you, so you can avoid facing whatever it is in you that is keeping you from a real relationship. You get sex sometimes and a companion, even if it's fake.

 

Sound like a good deal to you or can you do better?

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Let’s pretend for a minute that she doesn’t need a visa to stay.

 

You have only been dating 16 weeks.

That is way too soon to move in with someone. Regardless of circumstances. She came with recommendation from mutual friends so she clearly has friends she can stay with.

 

You are still well within the honeymoon period and that’s when things make or break.

How you both face hurdles etc.

 

Back to the visa thing , Let’s now pretend for a minute that she isn’t using you for a visa, the mere fact that she needs one and you are willing to provide one is added pressure for the relationship to work.

 

How long has she got left in the country without a visa?

What were her plans to stay if you were not helping her out with a visa? Or was she happy to return home?

There are other visa types she can apply for.

You mention her parents are wealthy. Why are they not paying for HER visa application?

You are providing a means for her to apply ,why then do you have to also bear the cost of it?

 

I don’t think silently pausing the visa application is the right answer.

I think you should talk to her .

Tell her that you are feeling insecure in the relationship and that at this point you are not willing to bear the cost of a visa application when you are unsure that You can fulfill her needs in the future given that she feels you don’t earn enough etc.

 

In the meantime stop lavishing her with expensive gifts and holidays and start being an equal in the relationship.

 

She hasn’t come from poverty and she does not need rescuing. Yet you are treating her like she has.

 

If needs be let her go home. Or find her own way or at least a contribution into getting the visa she desires.

You will figure out soon enough whether it’s or the visa that’s more important.

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My father was duped for 5 years and he didn't see it coming because the woman didn't fit the typical profile of a scammer.

 

He was working in Singapore as the project manager and art director of a company and met a woman from China who was doing business with that company - she'd invented an industrial plastic that they were using.

 

She was in her 60s and incredibly well off from both producing that material as well as owning a chain of supermarkets back in China. My dad wasn't rich and also in his 60s, and he was working full-time in Singapore (he's Australian). Furthermore, she had a 10-year-old son whose father was a permanent resident in New Zealand (which has a very strong relationship with Australia).

 

They ended up getting married and my father retired and the 3 of them moved to Australia. They bought a house together and she even bought her own additional investment property. She was the loviest person for 5 years. She never broke character.

 

Then, literally the day her green card came through it was like a switch. She became hostile and acting irrationally. My father had no idea what was going on until she turned around and took him for all he was worth. She had the money to keep him in court for years. In fact, he had to come out of retirement at 70 years, move back to singapore under a 2 year contract (he's now 72) and is working in an industrial environment for 12 hours a day just to pay lawyer fees. Despite their being divorced for 5 years, he's still trying to get his house back and she is keeping the court busy because she knows his money will run out way before hers does.

 

She really didn't need to do this because if she'd just independently applied for a visa to migrate it would have only taken 18 months, which is far less time than living a lie for 5 years, She is ridiculously rich and has the funds to support a move to Aus and setting up a new life. And, at the very least, she could have gone straight to New Zealand where the father of her child lived. He's Chinese but has PR there and his child would also automatically get that. As a minor, she'd get that too to accompany him. And she could have gotten to Australia through her son.

 

Due to all these things, she hardly fit the profile of a scammer, but yet she was. And, my father hardly fit the profile of a potential victim, yet he became one.

 

So, I tell you this because some of what you said raised red flags:

 

• she's well off (this doesn't mean she's not a scammer and also helps hide the possibility that she could be)

• she has personality shifts

• things have moved at break-neck speed

• she came "recommended"

• you have low self of steam relationship wise and that makes you an easier target

• she doing just enough in the relationship to convince you she's all-in and committed yet not so much that she's ACTUALLY committed.

 

Looking back on the relationship my dad had with his ex wife, we now - retrospectively - saw many of the red flags written above. But we chose not to acknowledge them because she didn't fit our assumption of what a scammer looked like. But, your gf does for the most part.

 

OP, don't marry this woman. She's in the relationship for the wrong reasons and to be honest, you are too. You think you can't get someone else or another opportunity so don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth. But she isn't a gift, she likely is a wolf in sheeps clothing. She may not be malicious and could very well be a generally good person, but that doesn't mean she isn't using you for her own agender out of desperation. Unlikely out of desperation if she's truly well-off. Don't allow yourself to be used, and don't emotionally use her as a way to fill a void either.

 

If she's honestly the one for you, then the relationship will stand the test of time without you sponsoring her visa or marrying her to get her one. I know many international couples who do the hard yards long distance until they are able to be together through the proper pathways.

Edited by LotusBlack
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How on earth do you communicate? Is it through rock drawings/petrogylphs or stick figures in the sand or do you exchange tea cups and read each others' leaves or some other mystical art form or use charades? I can't figure out what form of communication the two of you use because your communication is incredibly bizarre. That day when she was cold to you at dinner, did anything move you to actually communicate with each other what the matter was?

 

Nothing about this union speaks about long term peace and growth to me. You're both behaving like two children who've never grown up. I mean this with respect because you're not respecting each other (both of you). You're taking each other forgranted and one person is thinking that they're more underappreciated than the other. Start speaking to each other in more meaningful ways and trying to get through to each other. Don't marry one another and have at least some respect to recognize that by entering marriage you both are pledging to stand by each other. Without knowing what the other is about, the entire marriage is a sham. You can't stand by someone without knowing who that person really is.

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Dude, come on.

 

Aside from the fact that you two are moving at lightening speed, she is using you for a visa. That is why she cries when she argues with you. She doesn't want to be sent back to her home country. Those tears aren't for you. They're for her.

 

If her family is so well-off, why the heck are you paying for the visa application and associated legal fees? I think you are being taken for a ride here.

 

Time to take your head out of the sand, my friend. And no, don't "secretly" pause the visa application. Be a grown-up and tell her what you are doing and that this is not a solid path to happiness. You will probably find she throws a fit and ultimately leaves you to find some other man to latch onto, which is how you will know she wasn't with you for the right reason.

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Indeed, the fear of losing her will be nothing if this goes south further down the line. I don’t think there is another man; she would just go back. Her own plans are to go back (according to her). I dont see how she can continue here on a tourism visa

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Hi LotusBlack,

 

Thanks for sharing that story and it definitely made me think hard. I’m very sorry to hear that and the retrospective red flags is definitely something to transfer knowledge on...

 

I know the responses you're receiving may seem confronting and hard to accept because I'm sure you truly want to be happy and to be loved and accepted. All of us want that for ourselves. And, when you think you finally have that and then realise that maybe you don't, it can be very hurtful. But, Ethanlien, if this turns out to be a sham on her part, the amount of emotional, psychological, and financial distress you will experience when the sh*t hits the fan will eclipse all of what you're going through right now.

 

But, you brought yourself to this board because your intuition is sounding off alarm bells and in my experience, one's intuition is NEVER wrong. Sometimes - oftentimes - we misinterpret our intuition or we explain it away, but when read correctly, it leads us down the right path. Listen to your instincts, Ethanlien. If she is meant for you, you will, together, over-come both this and potential other relationship challenges the healthy way. Getting her a visa is not a quick fix or a direct path to a happy ending; relationships don't work that way and it won't ensure permanency between you and her. If she needs to return to her own country because she cannot remain in yours, then use that opportunity to be creative with communication and develop and deepen your relationship until such a time when you can come together legitimately. If she's unwilling to do that or find her own way to acquire a visa, then you'll know for certain what her agenda was. But, I think you already know the answer to this.

 

Don't end up like my father who's emotionally broken and is suffering at 72 just trying to pay for bad decisions when he should be reaping the rewards of a life hard worked and in its golden years. None of us want to see you back at this board nursing a broken heart and wallet because you weren't willing to take your foot off the gas and see how the relationship naturally unfolds; we want you to end up happily, so really think hard about what you're doing and your own agenda for doing it. Good luck!

Edited by LotusBlack
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Thanks Billie, and I appreciate the benefit of doubt at start. Problem is she is arguing that her time used here is the greatest sacrifice and hence anything I do is warranted. Hard to argue this point....

 

Oh no! I don’t like that argument from her at all!!!

 

Why does she see time spent “here” as a sacrifice?

What is she sacrificing? If she was staying here for love then that’s her choice and she would not attempt to project any guilt on you for her choice?

 

Yes I absolutely did give benefit of doubt , I see a failing relationship despite visa issues because of mistrust and poor communication.

How can you trust someone that claims they are sacrificing for you when you are the one financially covering the costs of her supposed sacrifice. And when do you think her sacrifice argument will end?

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She cries every time we argue (which is about once every two weeks over very small things), does that count for anything in her defence?

 

No. She knows that if you leave her she'll miss her ticket to your country and all the things you pay her. So she needs to keep the emotional manipulation going on with crying and what not. As soon as she has her visa don't be surprised if she leaves you.

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Either she's:

 

1) falling out of love with you....

 

 

2) or she never loved you to begin with and is just an actress, acting like she does love you to get a Visa. But since she's not getting paid for her work (she does not feel any love toward you), she's starting to get moody and cranky now, and show her true colors.

 

Relationships are work. The love you feel for the other person is payment for that work. But when there's no payment, a person gets resentful and mean.

 

Either way it's bad news.

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If her family has money, then why are you paying for the visa and the other expenses?

 

How long have you been together?

 

"During and after dinner she was critical of me from everything to chewing noise to my pay cheque and where I work (which are pretty good!)" Sorry, but it looks like you are her path to citizenship. I do not see this lasting long. Wake up!

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At 36, I am a total failure in relationships. I always give it 100%, but it seems the female side always looses interest after several months.... Maybe I am too boring (see 7), meh.

 

Think about this^ statement. What does it tell you?

 

It tells me you giving 100%, showering women with gifts and luxurious vacations, etc is not working!

 

Women always lose interest.

 

Why? Because they won't respect you.

 

You're trying too hard to buy their love, giving too much, without expecting much back in return.

 

This would suggest you don't respect yourself much, and no woman will respect you if you don't first respect yourself.

 

Time for a different plan don't you think?

 

Let this girl go (agree with others, you're her meal ticket into the country), but next time set some boundaries.

 

Don't give 100% unless they're giving back 100%, equal give and take. In different ways but you can still feel her "giving."

 

Refrain from financially supporting them, lavishing with gifts and vacations etc. It's way too much after so short a time and you said you behave this way from the beginning? It's too much, over the top.

 

And when you do, you set yourself up for being used and taken advantage of, as I suspect is what's happening here.

 

If you have the financial resources, wait until full trust is developed and commitment established . Which takes a long time, not just a few months.

 

You have only known this women for a few months and she needs a visa to stay. So you proposed marriage.

 

Your lonliness and inability to find anything to stick is causing you to make some very poor decisions.

 

Time for some introspection and change. Doing things differently.

 

What you're doing now (and have been doing in the past) is obviously not working.

 

Bid adios to this girl, she's a user and a taker.

 

I'm sorry!

Edited by katrina1980
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that's your issue..you give and give when you should wait for equal reciprocation. If you don't get proper reciprocation, you can sure tell by then they are not in it for love. Being too busy buying affection is a weak mans way of getting the girl. You will get more respect holding off and making them earn it. And don't reveal your wealth when you are on some of those first few dates. That will flush away the gold diggers. I agree with everyone, this girl is using you....tell her to go live somewhere else the engagement is off.

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