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What would you do?


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Ok, I’ll try to give you the short version. Have been married 12 years, during which time my husband has had quite a History of dishonesty. So about a month ago he was working away and I woke up at midnight and for some reason, don’t ask me why I felt I needed to have a loon at his emails on the computer.

So I found some emails from a salesperson at the electrical wholesaler (female) where my husband gets his supplies for his business from. A lot of them are quite flirty (mostly on her part) but there were a couple that really raised red flags for me.

First one was on that went like this:

Her: ok I’m running out of ideas, what do you want tomorrow?

Husband: All of you, or a day off

Her: hahaha I’ll see what I can do with all of me

Husband: awesome!


Second email was her saying “I have a question. How does a convo about wanting to borrow a mates place for the afternoon to boink (have sex) with someone who ain’t the wifey go? Hahaha

So eventually i confronted my husband and he told me that she had sent him a pic of herself in a bikini and he had sent her one back of a cartoon penis. And when I asked him about the second email about borrowing someone’s house he said he had no idea why he sent that and that they had never discussed having sex and he’d never replied to that email.

I can’t imagine that this is the whole story. He also said that she had been complaining about not getting sex from her husband and he’d told her he was in the same boat.

I truly feel there is much more to this story, I can’t believe that everything that happened between them is what I discovered myself in the emails. When I looked through he phone before I confronted him, all the messages from her had been deleted.

He’s admitted he messed up big time but I really don’t think he’s telling me the truth when he says this is all there is to the story. Like how does one photo lead to the second email 6-8 weeks later? I’m also devastated that he asked this woman for a pic of “all of her”.

What would everyone else think/do?

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You said he has a "history of dishonesty". So this set of events isn't the only thing that's happened?


Me? I'd bounce. Yeah, I know, it's 12 years of your life (plus the time you dated), but do you want to be here in another 12 years, posting the same question, 12 years older?


This is Who. He. Is. You either learn to live with his indiscretions, or you live alone. I'd rather live alone.


I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be rough. I'm trying to give you my honest opinion.

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I know what my ethics and boundaries are. I like a man who shares what mine are. If my husband crossed boundaries like this, I'd think he wasn't worthy of me. For some people, a last ditch effort to save the marriage with couples counseling is something they could try. For others, it'd be too hard to forgive and trust would be too hard to ever achieve.

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Thankyou ladies. I have actually left but had this worry that I was making more of this than I should. as heartbroken as I am, I know I could forgive this but never forget or put myself in the position where he could betray me again. He is of course devastated and completely sorry what what happened which really doesn’t make me feel good at all. But I need to think about myself. He wasn’t thinking about my feelings or what this would do to our family when he was carrying on with this woman.

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He is sorry he got caught.




He's sorry because he can no longer have his cake and eat it too. He can no longer play his disgusting games, by sneaking around. Sending and receiving pics will no longer be fun for him, since the fun is the secrecy.


He's "sorry, not sorry".

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Ugh! I am some random stranger on the internet -I don't know you or him -but when I read those email fragments, my own heart dropped into my stomach. What a thing to find. I am so sorry it had to happen this way.


imo what it comes down to is this: He's sorry, but is he transparent and fully holding himself accountable? That would be the only way I would even consider feeling any sympathy for him. Just ugh!


Of course you feel badly for him because you're a good person. But good for you for being strong and standing up for yourself. You are not overreacting at all! If you're ever concerned about that, simply come back here and post and we'll reassure you. :) Take care of yourself.

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I'm curious to hear you talk more about his "history of dishonesty." I can't help but imagine that it's that history that led you to look through his computer—and perhaps is behind the forgiving, understanding tone in your last two posts.


Compassion is an excellent quality, but not when it becomes a coping mechanism for being treated poorly or an enabler to allow another to treat you poorly. It is a quality that should be cherished by a partner, not exploited.


I'm not going to immediately beat the end-of-marriage drum, but let's be clear: your husband has stepped way, way out of line. The "full story," whatever it is, isn't even so important. What's important is that his behavior is unacceptable and that your are hurting, and so the question becomes: How long as unacceptable behavior, of various sorts, been part of the foundation of your marriage? How long have you been hurting and how long has he been blind to your hurt and putting his own pleasures before your hurt?


If you're interested in making this marriage work, or seeing if it can, I think you need to see this moment as a big wakeup call. Because the fact of the matter is that neither of you are happy, which is probably a harder fact to accept than even the content of these emails. If you can own that fact—together, in counseling—perhaps there's a new chapter to work toward. But to get there you have to be on the same page, and both willing and eager to take the same steps. You have to get mutually excited, basically, about marriage counseling.


That said, in your shoes I'd likely be on the fence about whether that's a realistic path at this stage. As LHGirl put it: this is who he is, and from that "history of dishonesty," I'm guessing it's who he has been for a long, long time. I'm also guessing, from your tone, that who you've been for a long, long time is someone who looks the other way. If he has spent 12 years believing this is acceptable behavior inside a marriage, if you have spent 12 years being forgiving and understanding of his transgressions—well, that's a very hard battleship to turn around. If you want to commit to trying, I think you also have to be prepared to walk away after a certain amount of time.

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I'm more concerned about the history of dishonesty. Obviously you're a classy lady as you haven't bothered to dredge up the entire holy bible length on his indiscretions. I was with a liar for several years. I think there's something inherently psychopathic about it and alarming about chronic lying. Something's just not right in the head and I really do believe that chronic liars struggle badly to fit into normal life and society in general, some critical cognizant area is messed up there including the parts of the brain that govern ideas and right and wrong. I do not believe this marriage can be fixed. This is beyond your power or ability and I don't believe counselling or therapy as a couple in any area will help. I also don't believe this behaviour is easy to stop and may be rooted in his childhood. I don't suggest you take it on. You need to live your life too. The person I was with never recovered from the lying, his whole world stitched by things he would lie about in order to get himself out of trouble. I think it's alternate realities to make up for severe insecurities.


I completely agree with the majority of the sentiments about leaving, finding a lawyer if you have to to tie up loose bits and moving past this. I'm just sorry that you had to marry this piece of work. Don't let this drag you down or ruin the rest of your life. Be positive and move forward.

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Oh yes of course he’s sorry he got caught. Because now he needs to accept the consequences of what he did and what he allowed to happen. Still don’t like seeing another human suffer emotionally though.


Goodness. Aren't you suffering emotionally? He cheated on you. This was HIS choice.

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Sorry to hear this. He justifies his cheating, which means it has happened, is happening and will continue to happen. You could suggest you go to marriage counseling and ask for a separation. It depends on how much of his womanizing you are willing to tolerate.

my husband has had quite a History of dishonesty.

He also said that she had been complaining about not getting sex from her husband and he’d told her he was in the same boat.

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Your husband is lying. He's at least emotionally cheating on you. An honest husband would shut down and not respond to flirting from another woman. And I wouldn't be surprised if he's sleeping with her.


I'd do a STD scan and start consulting a lawyer. And before anyone comes accusing me for suggesting to leave without trying to solve the situation, well the OP has addressed the situation with him and he lied/gaslighted, so it's not like he's honest and trying to save the marriage. Instead he's lying and deflecting and he has an historic of dishonesty, so there's not much to save here if he can't even admit to be cheating when he's caught red handed.

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Have been married 12 years, during which time my husband has had quite a History of dishonesty.
Is this online flirting the straw that broke the camels back then?


Do you guys have children? I ask because I wonder what kept you there for 12 years of dishonesty. What does that mean?

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For those asking about the history of dishonesty....some examples:

When we first got together he told me he was going overseas to a wedding to be a best man. It turns out he was actually in a 6 week holiday with a German girl. This broke my heart however by the time I found out he had moved into my home and his name was on my property so financially I couldn’t afford to end it. Or that’s how I felt st the time anyway. So I listened to everyone else about people make mistakes etc despite my gut telling me to get out. So I really tried to get over and choose to love him.

Another example: he has his own business and a lady contacted him to do work. At the time I asked him if he already knew this woman because I recognised her email address. He got mad and told me it was in my head and that she’d gotten his number from his business ad in the local paper. So fast forward a couple of years of him doing the odd job for her and her renting equipment off him, I find out that she was someone he used to have a casual relationship with.

Recently I discovered he’d hidden spending $8500 on bitcoin behind my back when He’d told me only $1000 (which I got annoyed at anyway because we had other bills we needed to pay).

The latest one: he has been confiding all our marriage problems to one of the mums fro my sons school. And when I say confiding I mean basically badmouthing me for 1-2 hours a day in the phone because he was angry I found the emails. Even down to them stalking my Facebook to see what I’ve posted.

Why did I stay all these years? Every time I left he would be a broken man who was going to change and then he would go see my family who would feel sorry for him and they would convince me that he had changed. And then once I had my son 7 years ago he would tell me that I wasn’t taking my son. He knows for a fact I would put up with anything before I left my child.

Posting here has really helped me feel comfortable that I’m not being dramatic. Thankyou all for replying so respectfully and nonjudgementally. Things are so much clearer in my head now thanks to you all 😊😊

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He does this cos you allow it. He was never loyal or honest towards you. He treats you with such disrespect yet you stay. Why???? I don't know what would compel someone to tolerate such crap from anyone. He's obviously sleeping with her, and it's a pattern that never changed since the beginning. Time to consult a lawyer and get out of this sad excuse for a marriage.

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