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Wife says we will never have sex again


Essian

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She says she still loves me and the sex didn’t stop it just really hurt. She didn’t communicate it with me and got a negative associate with it and kissing. I got frustrated because I thought this was a rejection of me and now she is mad at me.

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The only thing that was ever suspicious was she asked if she can go hiking with the kids and when I said I want to come she seemed to really not want me to come. Later she said it was because those girls are really outgoing and I have a very social job so that is why.

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Okay there's a looooot to unpack here... you contradict yourself quite a lot, Essian, so I'll try to settle on a few points I feel I can tackle and ignore the dodgy posts and contradictions.

First of all your definition of the purpose of sex - throw it out, because it clearly isn't working for your wife by what you've said.

 

Secondly, any woman can feel pain during penetrative sex if she is uncomfortable/scared/closed off. If a woman is coerced to have sex it isn't uncommon for it to be a painful experience.

 

You've already been given many possible solutions. They aren't quick fixes, they'll take work and patience and dedication.

Having said that, you seem desperate to find an answer in this thread rather than solutions - are you looking for an excuse to split? You've mentioned having feelings that your wife isn't deserving of the effort you've put forward... I can't imagine feeling that way about my significant other.

 

I think you need to do your homework Essian

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No I am not looking to split. I am not sure what my contradictions are because you didn’t say what they were. We are very busy with kids and full time job. I can’t just bring back the care free days when I was eighteen and can do infinite time spent at the gym or buying clothes hoping it will get a rise from my wife but doubtful. I think wanting to be close with each other should be a given. I am a father, I want to be with my kids not do a make over for my wife. Parenting is my most important job and they love me very much and are great people. I go all out working for my family. I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, I work full time, I am a good person, good dad, I volunteer helping kids, at a good son, good brother, I don’t go off with my friends etc and etc

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Trust me I have tried everything.

 

No I am not looking to split. I am not sure what my contradictions are because you didn’t say what they were. We are very busy with kids and full time job. I can’t just bring back the care free days when I was eighteen and can do infinite time spent at the gym or buying clothes hoping it will get a rise from my wife but doubtful.

 

^

contradiction

 

Three points I have to make.

 

A point about your argument against "bringing back the care free days".

You don't need to go to the gym to get fit; do squats, jumping jacks, and pushups in your home. Search youtube for an ab workout video. You can buy a 10-15lb dumbbell (incredibly cheap) and look up simple videos on how to do reps with it. You can "take her on a date" in the home even, make her a nice dinner and pretend like you're starting over without any expectations.

 

Second point - In this thread you seem very focused on having your own physical needs met, I think you should be concerned with stoking the fires of her passion rather than wheeling and dealing her in to getting you off. This is a far reaching suggestion but hear me out: Have a talk - a *friendly* talk - with her about your desires to pleasure her (assuming you have said desires.) She might be really uncomfortable after such a long history of likely feeling a need to endure pain just for your sake. I'm not blaming you for that, just pointing out it's very likely that's how she's felt in the past judging from how you described the situation. Suggest to her you both spend a night where your needs aren't the focus of the evening, give her a special night and make her feel special. Together you can find some tutorials or communicate together in trying to pleasure her. This would all need to be on her terms.

It may seem hopeless but you said the two of you love each other very much. If you speak sincerely and gently urge her to give it a shot, and promise to do what she wants, she may agree. You've mentioned she has no interest in sex but that doesn't mean she wouldn't enjoy having an interest in sex.

It sounds like she's had negative feelings about intercourse for a very long time, if you tried this suggestion it's likely your first evening or even first few evenings of attempts would fail. Be patient, don't push her, and let her set the day and time for the evening of intimacy.

 

Final point - you shouldn't be sitting here trying to convince us what a great person you are, we can all help you much better if you just plainly state the situation as it stands.

 

Best wishes Essian - be a gentleman

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No I am not looking to split. I am not sure what my contradictions are because you didn’t say what they were. We are very busy with kids and full time job. I can’t just bring back the care free days when I was eighteen and can do infinite time spent at the gym or buying clothes hoping it will get a rise from my wife but doubtful. I think wanting to be close with each other should be a given. I am a father, I want to be with my kids not do a make over for my wife. Parenting is my most important job and they love me very much and are great people. I go all out working for my family. I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, I work full time, I am a good person, good dad, I volunteer helping kids, at a good son, good brother, I don’t go off with my friends etc and etc

 

I think not going off with your friends is a mistake if you would like to spend time with friends. Part of being a good dad is being a person who shows them you take care of yourself too -that you're not all about them -that you do things for yourself and by yourself. I've made that all-consuming mistake too and burn out/negativity can result. Also kids need to see their parents as a couple - to see that they love each other and put each other at top priority. Wanting to be close is a given but staying close, enhancing closeness, maintaining closeness -requires effort -time spent together, time spent chatting, hanging out (we don't do "date nights" but do spend a lot of alone time together). It's not about being 18 and carefree -when you take marriage vows or commit to another person, you commit to care about that person in active ways -to actively show interest, to act in their best interests when at all possible, etc.

 

I'll give you an example. We just went to a Disney resort. Son's first time there. I power walk every single day except once a year I skip for religious reasons (and skip when I am very sick). So while my husband took my son on rollercoasters I cannot ride, I took about 2 hours to myself to find a place to power walk (which required a boat ride LOL) - yes I felt a bit of guilt as in it is a "family" vacation but this was my need/want/self-care and my son is growing up to see his mom taking care of herself with daily exercise. I see the effects on him -not negative as in "you left us!" but positive.

 

And, there is no need to spend infinite time at the gym or buy clothes to "get a rise" from a partner. On the other hand you do have to show -with actions -that you care. You do need to take your eyes off your device if you possibly can and listen actively when she speaks even if it's about the weather (obviously offhand comments are different -I mean if she wants to have a conversation) - make good eye contact, show her that she is a priority. Practice good hygiene and speak with her the way you speak to your colleagues -with respect and care (no, don't treat her like a stranger at arm's length but notice how you probably are more polite to wait staff than people you love -it's natural to let it all hang out more but maybe she would appreciate that level of civility).

 

Just some rambling thoughts.

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I can’t do gym due to health problems.

 

Why should I make romantic dinner when she keeps yelling at me wanting space. Like how I keep talking about my kids sports team and how I lead the nature trail walk (that is because I was showing the kids the trail).

 

I used to stoke her passions but it is an impossible task. It is impossible to satisfy her. Everything is my fault.

 

She has given up on even trying to enjoy sex again. She will give me ten minutes every week but not more. It is a good idea I guess to make that ten minutes around her sexual needs but this will probably just mean cuddling the entire time. But yeah I agree that is a way that I never tried before and could be a good way. Thank you

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I can’t do gym due to health problems.

^

I think you misread our posts, we told you how to avoid the gym and still work out, read over what myself and Batya33 just said

 

Why should I make romantic dinner when she keeps yelling at me wanting space.

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Because you said you want to be intimate with her?

 

I used to stoke her passions but it is an impossible task. It is impossible to satisfy her. Everything is my fault.

^

You told us earlier in this thread that she was actually never passionate about intercourse and only went along with it for your sake...

 

She has given up on even trying to enjoy sex again. She will give me ten minutes every week but not more. It is a good idea I guess to make that ten minutes around her sexual needs but this will probably just mean cuddling the entire time. But yeah I agree that is a way that I never tried before and could be a good way. Thank you

^

You totally misrepresented my suggestion to you with these few lines.

 

I get that this is frustrating especially considering how long the passion has been fizzling for. We men have our drives, but a real man needs to be able to keep it together and take measured steps towards a solution without letting anger or frustration flare.

... I can see your frustration rising to the surface even in this thread, and we're here to help you Essian.

 

 

PS: Read over the recent post Batya33 made again, I think it was filled with great advice, especially the last paragraph.

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I can work out a bit at home but not too much because my heart beats are abnormal.

 

Sorry I wasn’t clear. We don’t have sex but now she said I can rub on her for ten minutes each week.

 

I am frustrated that is true because it gets frustrating to do all these things and then getting rejected. Yeah it would be probably smarter to not get frustrated but I am a sincere person and it comes out.

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You are pointing fingers. Yet...you refuse to see what you could do about yourself to help the situation.

When I married her I never thought she was going to reject kissing and sex like this. There was a time when she was really into it as well and things were so positive.
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I can work out a bit at home but not too much because my heart beats are abnormal.

 

Sorry I wasn’t clear. We don’t have sex but now she said I can rub on her for ten minutes each week.

 

I am frustrated that is true because it gets frustrating to do all these things and then getting rejected. Yeah it would be probably smarter to not get frustrated but I am a sincere person and it comes out.

 

Showing frustration doesn't mean you are "sincere" -it just means that at the moment you let out frustration you are choosing not to control how you express your emotions. Sometimes it's healthy to let out frustration and there are healthy ways to communicate frustration - it depends how you choose to let out the frustration. But please don't tell yourself if you let it out by screaming or venting etc that it's because you are a "sincere person" -it's because you might not be practicing self control at that point in time. Would you tell your kids when they whine incessantly that it's ok because they're just being the sincere people they are? Or that your wife rejecting your kisses in a hurtful way is just being "sincere?"

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I still think she's having an affair.

 

Okay well that's a nice theory but he's mentioned early on that he's never had a reason to distrust her.

 

Can all you damaged folks stop spamming "they're cheating" in these threads? At least offer up suggestions on how he could go about confirming whether or not that's the case.

 

You're just serving to put paranoia in this poor man's head.

 

Stop theorizing.

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Get to a doctor and get a complete physical and do whatever you can to improve your health. Stop drinking, lose weight, eat better, engage in physical activity and stop making excuses why you need to be a couch potato. All doctors know physical activity is essential to good health. Especially sexual health, libido, erections, etc.

 

Stop kidding yourself. The problem seems to be you. Not taking care of yourself or your health. The reason is not another man....it's you. You letting yourself go and being a poor lover and not romantic at all. Stop using the excuse that "being a good dad" is the reason for your inertia. That's nonsense. Get To A Doctor!

I can work out a bit at home but not too much because my heart beats are abnormal.
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