Wife says we will never have sex again

[SherrySher]

It doesn't sound as though it's personal towards you. I truly think it would not matter what man she was with, she would still not enjoy sex.

 

This is who she is. It's not wrong or bad. It's just how she turned out to be.

 

I agree that it could potentially make things tougher but it doesn't have to make it bad either. You can still be very loving towards each other, you can still take care of each other and be each other's best friend.

 

There are so many more components to love and to a good marriage that have nothing to do with sex. Don't discount them and maybe shift your focus more towards them.

 

If you are okay with mastubating then try to not resent or feel bad towards yourself or towards her.

 

It does sound as though you both really love each other.

[Essian]

Nicely put and there are a lot of good there and we do love each other very much and she does do a lot of nice things for me. Why did God make her so beautiful makes it even more difficult. She also didn’t really show this side of her so obviously until we were married and with kids. Part of me will always be very happy and I still would have married her knowing but another part not so much happy but I guess nobody can be the complete package. The thing is I am not too sexual either but she is just way too extreme even for me. It is what it is.

[Essian]

Thank you sooo much for so many great advices. I still welcome new ones but really appreciate the ones I got. You guys are really nice trying to help people.

[SherrySher]

You're more than welcome, Essian.

 

We will try to help you anytime we can. I really do hope that you and your wife can work things out.

 

Love is so hard to find now a days and it does sound as though you two have found it.

[Essian]

We did except with that one part

[Jester Rokly]

I just need to say after reading this thread that most of you have... really scary things to say... leaping to very radical ideas.

A bad relationship is far more likely than trauma or aesexuality or all this other junk you've all been suggesting.

Sherry mentioned some good resources for you to look in to Essian, therapy for the two of you (together) is another great idea.

 

Essian you mentioned that you've gotten angry with her over this and have repeatedly mentioned resentment, when a girl isn't in the mood and you snap angrily at them that's a very quick way to make them close off to you even more.

You need to be kind, patient, and understanding. You need to ask her what you can do to reignite some passion again, if she says she thinks there's nothing you can do then you need to try anyways in your own way.

The most important thing is for you to be patient, I've been that thirsty man in the past and if you get angry or frustrated after the first measly attempt at putting forth some effort fails, the woman is going to double down and ice over even more - it just makes you look insidious and disingenuous.

 

Again like others have said, you need couples councilling or you need to find a way to get her fired up.

good luck buddy and remember that a marriage is a cooperative team, don't let the anger and frustration boil to the surface you're hurting yourself just as much as her, possibly even more than hurting her.

[LotusBlack]

Sorry to hear you're going through this. I grew up very much identifying as asexual. I hated being touched intimately but I wanted to want to be intimate. Oftentimes I would talk myself into believing I liked someone until they turned around and showed interest - then it was like a bucket of cold water was thrown on me and that attraction was off like a switch. I realised I'd subconsciously chosen to like someone I thought was a safe bet on not returning my interest - therefore giving me an easy "out". I had somehow done this as a way to still feel like I was growing up as a "normal" person without any of the actual respnsibility of behaving like it.

 

Asexuality is also a spectrum, which many people don't realise. Some people who are asexual can and do fine pleasure in being sexual, but it has to be done in certain ways. There are some excellent YouTubers who are asexual and discuss sexual options - so I recommend looking into that.

 

As it turns out, I'm actually Demi-sexual (which is very little understood or even discussed - moreso than even asexuality). This means I'm only sexually attracted to someone I'm emotionally attracted to first. I can find someone very attractive and aesthetically pleasing but when it comes down to it, I could never bring myself to desire being with them AT ALL unless I'm romantically attracted to them first.

 

Sexuality is very complex, OP. I would try again to discuss the situation with her. Your wife took vows and within those vows she promised to love and respect you. At the moment, she is not nurturing the marriage when she shuts down any and all discussions about this topic. It is cruel, unfair, selfish, and unempathtic. Discussion absolutely does not mean she has to have sex if she doesn't want to, but she is choosing to suppress you and your feelings on the matter. These are not the signs of a healthy marriage/relationship.

 

Also, one last thing, marriages/relationships are like gardens - you don't just plant it and then walk away thinking it will thrive from that point on without nurturing. No, you tend the garden regularly to KEEP it flourishing. So, you need to MAKE time to heal your marriage. Saying you don't have time is doing a massive disservice to yourselves and your relationship. Find the time and work on it. Money is a different issue, and that can't always be helped, but you can always (and should) make time to tend your garden/relationship. That is one of your responsibilities of being in a relationship. As many posters have said - seek counselling and medical advice. Your wife should be willing to do that as she is one half of the relationship and should care about your emotional/physical needs just as much as she cares about her own.

 

Good luck!!

[RayofLighten]

Is this good enough? Should I go for this?

 

Obviously this isn't good enough for you or you wouldn't be here. Its obvious this is driving you crazy.

[antiqque]

I think she does see sex as dirty and shameful. I just don’t know why. Maybe being a Christian but we are married and love each for over ten years.

 

I grew up in a christian family and that sounds about right. They teach little girls that sex is only for making babies and that's it.

How religious is she? If she's really into it i wouldn't be surprised if that was the reason behind her not wanting sex.

I've been with a girl that was literally scared of getting close to me physically because she was afraid it would lead to sexual stuff and all of that was because of her religious beliefs.

Also her not getting wet enough is a silly reason, that's what lube is for.

[Wiseman2]

She's no longer attracted to you as a man. Make an appt with a doctor and a dentist. Make sure your health and oral hygiene are in good shape. Get to a barber for a good haircut/facial hair update. Head to the gym, start a sport, get in shape, loose weight. Get to a store and update your clothes. Doing this will help you no matter what. You are blaming all this on her. Have you done some objective reflecting on why the attraction/passion is zero?

 

Do not hang around the house like a slob or "forget" to take showers, shave, etc. Get off the couch, off your phone away from the TV and start helping her around the house with the kids and after work/dinner. Get the kids to friends, family, a baby sitter, etc on some weekends and at least once a week for "date night". Go out and act like you are dating again.

 

She wasn't always asexual...surely when you dated there was attraction, sex, etc. Make sure she is aroused and make sure it's not all about you. "Begging" is not romantic nor foreplay for women. You need to act like you are dating again. You seriously need to get yourself out of the roommate zone. There are also likely a host of unspoken issues going on from her lack of attraction to resentment, anger, etc. Marriage therapy could help reveal some of that. You realize this is not as simple as "she's not wet", come on.

My wife and I have been married 11 years. In the past she wasnÂ’t wet enough and it hurt and now she never wants to have sex due to negative conditioning and thinks this is perfectly fine.

[Batya33]

For a couple of years it was really really good and she initiated a lot of it. She says that even those days she just liked to see me happy.

 

The other day I started kissing her but after 30 seconds she said she maximized her kisses for today. She did say it was not because it was too wet which I am glad because I really did try. She says she doesnÂ’t like the act of kissing anymore.

 

We canÂ’t do a weekend retreat because we have the kids all the time. Our kids are really nice.

 

She wonÂ’t see a sex therapist.

 

OK so it sounds like either she told you from early on how she felt about sex and kissing or she hid that from you so she could marry you and have the children she wanted. I would need to know more. If it was just intercourse that would be one thing but if she doesn't want to kiss you that could be a separate issue.

[yatsue]

What was the cream from her doctor for? Was there a diagnosis?

 

I wonder if she may have endometriosis. It is a condition that may cause pain during intercourse. Has she ever had a C-section for any of the kids?

[Nickel Speed]

You know for a fact?

 

Please, you ARE projecting. I get not wanting to be the only one but insisting you are correct based on a few paragraphs written by a stranger is not really possible.

 

I think the OP's wife endured some kind of trauma that makes sex feel dirty or shameful. It's too bad she won't seek counseling.

 

Word for word what OP wrote is the same psychobabble that I heard a couple months before the end. It's so accurate that it is uncanny. I'm not projecting. I'm relating.

 

Don't believe me? Wait 6 months.

[Nickel Speed]

She's no longer attracted to you as a man. Make an appt with a doctor and a dentist. Make sure your health and oral hygiene are in good shape. Get to a barber for a good haircut/facial hair update. Head to the gym, start a sport, get in shape, loose weight. Get to a store and update your clothes. Doing this will help you no matter what. You are blaming all this on her. Have you done some objective reflecting on why the attraction/passion is zero?

 

Do not hang around the house like a slob or "forget" to take showers, shave, etc. Get off the couch, off your phone away from the TV and start helping her around the house with the kids and after work/dinner. Get the kids to friends, family, a baby sitter, etc on some weekends and at least once a week for "date night". Go out and act like you are dating again.

 

She wasn't always asexual...surely when you dated there was attraction, sex, etc. Make sure she is aroused and make sure it's not all about you. "Begging" is not romantic nor foreplay for women. You need to act like you are dating again. You seriously need to get yourself out of the roommate zone. There are also likely a host of unspoken issues going on from her lack of attraction to resentment, anger, etc. Marriage therapy could help reveal some of that. You realize this is not as simple as "she's not wet", come on.

 

I agree with this^ Don't make my mistakes.

[Gary Snyder]

When did the sex stop? I'll bet she was not like this is the beginning! More than likely she changed - probably because her love level toward you went down.

[Seraphim]

I know your wife is not near my age but once I went through menopause I had zero and I mean ZERO interest in sex. My husband also takes 100 mg of an SSRI so he also has zero interest. We adore and love each. We kiss and cuddle but neither is interested in sex. Not a typical marriage I realize but it totally works for us.

[Essian]

I have gotten frustrated upon keep getting rejected and that probably hasn’t helped. It is frustrating because I am putting a lot effort for us to be intimate but she is not into it and doesn’t try herself. Because I have been frustrated even now she wants to be in the separate part of the house and if I go into that part of the house then she says she will leave the house.

[SherrySher]

I have gotten frustrated upon keep getting rejected and that probably hasn’t helped. Even now she wants to be in the separate part of the house and if I go into that part of the house then she says she will leave the house.

 

Hmm, this sounds like more than just a problem with sex. It sounds like she doesn't want to be near you at all or even in the same room.

 

Do you argue a lot of is she no longer happy being around you or even talking with you?

[Essian]

The lube hasn’t helped either.

 

She is a Christian but in the Bible it says married couples should have sex. She doesn’t like it because it is saying what I am saying so she ignores it or gets mad over it.

[Essian]

Lately we have been arguing a lot about sex. I have never seen her this mad as she is today. I think she is tired too but she is not going to sleep.

[Essian]

It is hard to date when my kids are my first priority. New clothes, gym membership, doctors who may be expensive, take time and may not even help. I want my kids to be raised properly. I want my time for them. I might do all of these and for my wife that will probably be not good enough anyway. My kids appreciate the time I spend with them.

[Essian]

When I married her I never thought she was going to reject kissing and sex like this. There was a time when she was really into it as well and things were so positive. We were the closet couple in the world, I did not see this coming.

[Essian]

She sees kissing as sexual too so she hates it but cuddling is a comfort thing for her. We cuddle for hours. The problem is she falls asleep right away and we don’t get to be together and this happens every day so we don’t get to be together.

[Jester Rokly]

I don’t think she gets the purpose of sex. She is a practical person.

 

I've been bothered by this line Essian, can you tell us what you believe the purpose of sex is?

I want to reiterate that it cannot be understated how useful the info that Wiseman gave to you is, getting yourself looking fit and clean and honestly trying to take her out on dates (as if you just started the relationship all over again) can be a very powerful move for reigniting passion.

Also what they said about begging or getting angry or frustrated, I say the same thing, as soon as you make demands or set schedules you destroy all of the woman's passion.

 

Edit: I want to keep this reply focused on my first question, what do you believe the purpose of sex is?

[Essian]

To me sex is a way to act out our love that we have for each other. For her she doesn’t see it as practical. She is a bit like Data from Star Trek.

 

I just keep trying and trying but it is never good enough. I don’t think she deserves it for me to try even significantly more. I rather spend the time with my kids. They like me for who I am.