Wife says we will never have sex again

[Essian]

I guess I got no other choice. She is willing to fake it with me for ten minutes for a week. She does seem to love me mentally just hates the physical part of marriage. Maybe she will change but I doubt it.

[Batya33]

Sorry if you addressed this but how was your sex life before marriage? And honestly the no kissing thing alarms me almost more than the sex issue. To be open - I've actually told my husband, at times, how I want to and like to be kissed because sometimes it's not to my liking. Mostly, it is but when it's not I tell him and I tell him in a kind, caring way -and he is totally up for listening and kissing differently. I am sure many couples talk with each other about what they like/prefer/what turns them on -especially in a marriage that's forever! Can you try different ways of kissing her or let her sort of explore/experiment? Will she see a sex therapist or do one of those kind of weekend retreats I've heard about?

[Essian]

For a couple of years it was really really good and she initiated a lot of it. She says that even those days she just liked to see me happy.

 

The other day I started kissing her but after 30 seconds she said she maximized her kisses for today. She did say it was not because it was too wet which I am glad because I really did try. She says she doesnÂ’t like the act of kissing anymore.

 

We canÂ’t do a weekend retreat because we have the kids all the time. Our kids are really nice.

 

She wonÂ’t see a sex therapist.

[Honeycomb8]

Are you sure she's not having an affair?

 

 

Her behaviour really suggests this.

[Honeycomb8]

Sex is such a big part of a relationship. Seek an open marriage.

[Nickel Speed]

Sorry you're going through this.

 

It sounds to me—and correct me if I'm wrong—that you guys have never quite gelled intimately? That, even at its best, something was a bit off? When you first met, in those early days when many of us are wild rabbits with new people—well, were you guys like that? Or was it a bit more muted—the pain, the dryness, etc.? Is there a period in your marriage where you can say your sexual compatibility was 100 percent?

 

In my experience—in my own life, observing the lives of others—sex is one of these things that we all awaken to in different ways, at different points in our life. We get past the guilt, the shame, and the physical discomfort, and enjoy it. For some it's early, natural, maybe even discovered in privacy, though masturbation. For others it's a certain partner, after which we're able to be more free, more frisky, with whomever comes next.

 

It almost sounds like your wife has never had that, that sex is something she's been closed off to most of her life, given that she is now proposing a sexless marriage. Or perhaps she's just not very sexual, even asexual, or has some past trauma that she has not dealt with. Do you know anything about her history before you? Anything about whether or not she finds joy in pleasuring herself? Sensitive questions, I know, but, well, this is a sensitive topic and just trying to get an understanding of your dynamic.

 

Really hard to say where to go from here, given her attitude. Has she ever been in therapy? Have you?

 

(And Nickel? I brought this up in another thread, but I'd really challenge you to not assume everyone is being cheated on or on the cusp of being cheated on, just because this is something you've been through and are dealing with. I know you mean well, but I think you could check yourself a bit—for the sake of others, and even your own healing. Maybe ask some questions before lofting what is the single most painful assumption on the lives of others.)

 

My instincts on this one are correct. I understand the concern.

[Essian]

I doubt she is. She says she is not and she tends to be a really honest person. She is almost always home with us. She said she never played with herself. She only had one boy friend in high school and they only kissed with the tongue. We met when she was 19. I guess she is not sexual at all or I am doing a terrible job attracting her. She says she wouldn’t be turned on by anyone. She is just not into sex and kissing but she loves cuddling with me sooo much. She is not ugly by any means which makes this so much harder,

 

I think this ten min naked thing will be better than open marriage with strangers.

[boltnrun]

My instincts on this one are correct. I understand the concern.

 

You know for a fact?

 

Please, you ARE projecting. I get not wanting to be the only one but insisting you are correct based on a few paragraphs written by a stranger is not really possible.

 

I think the OP's wife endured some kind of trauma that makes sex feel dirty or shameful. It's too bad she won't seek counseling.

[Jester Rokly]

This is very vague.

It must really suck that your wife isn't attracted to you enough to want that intimacy... you say this became a problem over time, you should ask her what you can do for her to become attracted to you again.

 

It really sounds like you need to do something for her, I'm not trying to be accusatory but your OP sounds like a hungry animal begging for scraps... not a good way to get a lady turned on my friend - this should not affect your children.

 

Ask her why she isn't attracted to you anymore, ask her what made her attracted to you in the past and what you can do to get back to that point.

Marriage is a partnership and you need to be mutual.

 

The fact that she doesn't even want to kiss sounds like something has gone really wrong to the point she's no longer physically attracted... please take my advice.

[SherrySher]

Have either of you considered oral sex? That way she wouldn't have to hurt on the inside and you both could potentially be satisfied.

 

Have you asked her if this would be a consideration?

[Essian]

She denies any trauma when she was a child. Although she seemed a little edgy when we first met. It is possible. Maybe she doesn’t remember. The only trauma could be more recent that it hurt with me and she continued it not being honest it hurt and over time it became a big negative. However before she never played with herself or she didn’t like she got boobs because they were not practical was odd. She does not like to wear skirts. I think she does see sex as dirty and shameful. I just don’t know why. Maybe being a Christian but we are married and love each for over ten years.

[Essian]

She says her love for sex is gone forever. She doesn’t feel anything and hasn’t for a long time. She says perhaps if we don’t have sex for two months. She doesn’t know.

[Jester Rokly]

What have you done to bring the intimacy back? Can't really speak for her so much without putting your own efforts forward

[Essian]

My profile is from almost twenty years ago. I have been inactive since. Obviously I have matured since. I only came back because I have no answers. I appreciate the help.

[Essian]

She said she was never physically attracted to me in the first place. I think it had more to do with my personality. She says that she is not physically attracted to anyone either.

 

She did oral sex in the past. I doubt that she would want that now. She is willing to fake it by rubbing against me for ten minutes every week.

[Essian]

Trust me I have tried everything. It feels horrible because everything has failed. I am tired of trying because I feel like a loser and inadequate when it fails and I get mad at her too. She is just not into it no matter what I do. It feels like in her mind she is doing me some big favor. Like I am a charity case even though I do my absolute best to be a good husband and dad for my kids. My kids think I am a great dad. I feel that she doesn’t deserve me trying anymore but some days I still try. I feel some resentment and negativity for sex now too but I dont want to give in because I don’t feel like marriage without intimacy would be good so I can’t totally give up.

[SherrySher]

I think you need to sit down with her and ask one last time if she is willing to have penetrative sex (only if she actually wants to and would enjoy it).

Or if she would like to do oral.

 

If she flat out refuses both then you need to have a talk with her on an open marriage.

 

If she cannot and will not engage in sex with you, then you need to accept that and stop asking, or forcing or guilting her into it.

 

But that does not mean your needs as a man stops. Which is why you need to talk to her about receiving your needs elsewhere.

 

Neither of you should suffer it out and if she finds your solution disgusting or again, flat out refuses, then I think it's time to consider going your separate ways.

 

That is unless you're fine with masturbating on your own.

[luminousone]

So sorry, Essian.

 

A healthy marriage includes physical expression of that intimacy.

 

I am sad for you and sad for your wife.

 

There could be many causes to your situation - (sexual orientation, past trauma, hormonal imbalance, cultural upbringing, physical anomalies, post-partum depression, emotional connection in your marriage, etc). I know others have offered their opinions. But your situation calls for professional help if you want your marriage to survive.

 

I know you don't have time or money, but this is a way more complex situation than what can be solved by Internet advice. You and your wife need to go to her doctor first, to rule out a medical issue (hormonal problem, post-partum depression, or brain abnormality?).

 

Next, the two of you need to consult a highly skilled sex therapist - preferably an MD. You say she won't go? Then you go, and get their advice.

 

Here is the name of a book that is well respected in the field:

Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch, PhD. It describes situations very similar to yours. It also asserts that your sex life difficulties mirror your relationship difficulties. It offers ways to work through the most difficult situations.

 

Another resource for you- the Our Whole Lives program, which has an amazing class for adults to go through to learn about healthy relationship and sexual practices

 

I truly hope things work out for you. You and your wife deserve a loving, healthy emotional and physical relationship.

[Essian]

She wonÂ’t say yes to sex because she says it hurts too much. She will say yes to me rubbing my thing on her but she says that she is willing to fake that because she understands I must let it out and it is part of marriage. I will take that over abandoning my family.

[SGH]

After reading through a good bit of the thread, I would like to say that it sounds like she either has experienced sexual trauma that adversely affected her view of sex or she is and has always been asexual. My bet is on asexuality.

 

Some asexual individuals do not experience romantic connections but others do, and it sounds like your wife loves you. What you've described is a lifelong history of her simply being uninterested in sex. Her discomfort and lack of understanding of sexuality extends to her even rejecting the physical sex characteristics of her body. Of course, my opinion is just speculation that I cannot confirm, but I am a believer that asexuality is not something to be "cured".

 

That being said, you need to decide moving forward whether her lack of sexual interest can be tolerated. It would be very painful to end your marriage or attempt an open marriage, most likely, but if the current situation breeds resentment, discontent, and temptation for others, those two options may start to seem reasonable.

 

For what it's worth, it does not sound like she's cheating on you. I did not read of any secretive behaviors, accusations, unexplained bills, etc. that would suggest infidelity.

 

Edit: I agree with the above poster to try the medical route, but I recall you posting earlier in the thread that she is totally unwilling to do so. Since you cannot force her, this may also be something you have to radically accept.

[Essian]

Thank you I will try some of those resources on my own somehow.

[luminousone]

Our While Lives information:

 

https://www.uua.org/re/owl

[luminousone]

The book:

 

https://www.amazon.com/Passionate-Marriage-Intimacy-Committed-Relationships/dp/0393334279

[SherrySher]

My bet is on asexuality

 

Asexual is definitely a possibility.

 

http://www.whatisasexuality.com/intro/

[Essian]

Yeah another great advice. I think what happened is that she was asexual but with me she got into it a bit and could have turned it into a loving intimate life. Then with the pregnancy hormones it hurt and never went away. She pushed it for me but didnÂ’t communicate and it became very negative. I saw this as a rejection of me and got frustrated which made sex and kissing even more negative for her. Now she hates everything intimate except hugging. She said she will keep me for life. I wonÂ’t lose her either but I canÂ’t help but feel frustrated because this is not how it should be. This is so stupid because we could be so happy. I never heard of anyone like this before. Maybe it is nothing personal she is just asexual but it does feel like a rejection of me. Maybe if I was a different person... Supposedly sex was the same way for her mother and her parents fought about it a lot and this is how she got introduced to sex. It will be hard to stop this frustration inside of me and I want to keep trying and it doesnÂ’t feel like our relationship will be as great as it could been. We fight through all the hard day at work and chores and mess it up on the easy intimate reward on the end of the week. Better then losing her completely and I do have a wonderful family.