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Wife says we will never have sex again


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My wife and I have been married 11 years and had a great marriage for most of the time. We love each other and are raising two kids very well. We both work hard for our family and each other. Gradually she said and got worse with the mindset that she never wants to have sex and she hates it. She wants to keep the relationship but we should never have sex. In the past she wasnÂ’t wet enough and it hurt and now she never wants to have sex due to negative conditioning and thinks this is perfectly fine. I told her that we can have sex without me going inside because it hurts but she doesnÂ’t want that either. She said she hates kissing me too and pulls away because my mouth is too wet. She does like to hug though. I said I wonÂ’t go inside so it wonÂ’t hurt and she says she still hates it and fakes it. She said we will never have sex and things will be fine. She wants a relationship one hundred percent without sex or kissing. I donÂ’t agree with this, I am not huge into sex but I want it once a week. I think it is not natural to never do it. She is not a sibling or co worker, she is a wife, we are a married couple. I feel totally rejected, humiliated and demasculized over this. I feel lots of resentment because it feel like a bad rejection. I donÂ’t understand why even if we sex around but I donÂ’t go inside it is so bad that we have to risk our relationship and therefore our kids for an activity that should bring joy to human couples. I fear that this will continue to destroy our relationship.

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Essian, I am sorry you are going through this. Your wife may be suffering from a real medical condition.


Your reaction is normal, as you may not understand what is really going on. I believe you two need to see a doctor and go from there. But be aware that she may refuse. It is not easy to let a stranger into your intimate life, maybe get advice from a professional first before you bring it up with her.


Best of luck

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She doesn’t want a medical solution to this. She did once and they gave her a cream but she refuses to try it.


My comment was more directed to see a specialist, her situation may be also psychological. When we go see a doctor because we are in pain and they give us medication but doesn't work, we either go back or find another doctor who can cure us, and she is not willing to do that.


I don't know your culture or religion or if that would have to do anything with her problem, but was your sex life before better?


Also, if you are not here to find some kind of solution for her but to find answers on how to deal with the situation, then I suggest you seek psychological help yourself

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Sorry you're going through this.


It sounds to me—and correct me if I'm wrong—that you guys have never quite gelled intimately? That, even at its best, something was a bit off? When you first met, in those early days when many of us are wild rabbits with new people—well, were you guys like that? Or was it a bit more muted—the pain, the dryness, etc.? Is there a period in your marriage where you can say your sexual compatibility was 100 percent?


In my experience—in my own life, observing the lives of others—sex is one of these things that we all awaken to in different ways, at different points in our life. We get past the guilt, the shame, and the physical discomfort, and enjoy it. For some it's early, natural, maybe even discovered in privacy, though masturbation. For others it's a certain partner, after which we're able to be more free, more frisky, with whomever comes next.


It almost sounds like your wife has never had that, that sex is something she's been closed off to most of her life, given that she is now proposing a sexless marriage. Or perhaps she's just not very sexual, even asexual, or has some past trauma that she has not dealt with. Do you know anything about her history before you? Anything about whether or not she finds joy in pleasuring herself? Sensitive questions, I know, but, well, this is a sensitive topic and just trying to get an understanding of your dynamic.


Really hard to say where to go from here, given her attitude. Has she ever been in therapy? Have you?


(And Nickel? I brought this up in another thread, but I'd really challenge you to not assume everyone is being cheated on or on the cusp of being cheated on, just because this is something you've been through and are dealing with. I know you mean well, but I think you could check yourself a bit—for the sake of others, and even your own healing. Maybe ask some questions before lofting what is the single most painful assumption on the lives of others.)

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This would be a deal breaker for me... what you are talking about is more of a friendship than a marriage. Which is great but would you be satisfied being in a relationship without physical intimacy? I know I definitely wouldn't be.


Unless she decides she is willing to work on this with you... maybe you need to have an honest conversation with her and talk about splitting up and being very good friends instead. Even though you have been together a long time, there is no need to give up something so important to you for the sake of staying in an unhappy marriage.

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She never played with herself before meeting me and I found that a bit strange. We had a great sex life for three years. Then due to pregnancy pain started. It hurt but she continued on faking it but having no attraction. I realized it hurt her so we stopped. I thought easy answer was I donÂ’t go in and we just rub together on the outside. DidnÂ’t work. She hates kissing, being naked everything but hugging.


We are christians. I am Hungarian and she is English. We have no time or money for psychological help as we have two still smaller kids

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I don’t think she gets the purpose of sex. She is a practical person. She got into it very much when we were making our kids and now she thinks there is no need for it.


I do love her and she loves me. We have two wonderful kids. I don’t have a future without her and we both promise that we will stay together for life despite this. I am understanding her wishes to a point with this even fine with not going inside but I think she is being extreme and unreasonable here. She should fine a positive associate with sex without me going inside eventually. I don’t want to break this up for the kids and all of us.

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Your wife has a problem with intimacy and refuses to address it in a way that is fair to both of you. Dismissing your needs like that sounds very selfish to me. Plus, it sounds like she was never honest to you about the extent of the problem. I find it very hard to believe that for 3 years everything was great and then she ended up not even wanting to kiss. For 3 years she was fine with kissing and now she deems it "too wet"? It sounds like she has always had issues with sex but she keeps sweeping it under the rug. She could be gay, asexual, traumatized by some past events or it could be some other issue. Regardless, her attitude sounds selfish and dismissive. Do not buy into the "all will be fine" nonsense. You need professional counseling. If she won't go then try individual counseling. Your needs matters as much as hers.

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I think you've both lost your focus and emotional connection. You are feeling emasculated and embarrassed and she feels cornered. Stop already with all the blame games and pointing fingers. It's just not helpful in redeveloping that connection. You're going to have to really put your love to the test and both of you start behaving like it. If she's shut you down or isn't the wife you want, start taking steps to separate and move on with your life. At some point it's going to look quite odd on you for staying in this relationship if you're so unhappy.

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I love my wife and we are happy about everything else. I just want to have a normal sex life with her. I am even happy just rubbing and not going inside. She thinks if we don’t have sex we won’t fight but to me it seems like an oxymoron. I don’t think one can be closer by rejecting someone. We won’t get closer by moving further.

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Everyone has learned to self satisfy at some point in their lives so I don't believe for a single second that she never has. I was thinking the medical condition theory for her sex aversion, UNTIL you said she hates kissing you. It sounds like she don't like you touching her at all. I am now totally convinced there is another man in her life.

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She doesn’t like to talk about it and I just want to talk about it so we can have a solution and things can become good again. We don’t have time or money for counseling. Are there any other options?


She doesn't want to talk about it, but tough. You don't want to go without sex either, yet you have been. When you're married, you don't get to say "I am not giving you what you want or need and you can't ask why." It's unfair.


I am a person who gets easily irritated at "entitled" people. But in this case, you are absolutely entitled to understand how she got to this point. Whether she's traumatized or has a condition or just plain doesn't want sex, whatever it is, you deserve to have all the cards laid out on the table and to know everything you are dealing with, so you can work on it together. Obviously it is a sensitive subject to her, but in marriage, we have to meet our spouses halfway. She can't just say no and that's that.


I appreciate your comments of how much you love her and want to stick by her, but you are operating blindly right now, which again is not fair to you.

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Is this good enough? Should I go for this?


Only you know if this will be enough for you. No man I knew would be happy with this for the rest of his life, but obviously I don't know all men. I wish you luck. This cannot be easy.

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Life is way too short for bad sex.


I feel so sorry for you, you obviously love your wife & want that intimate connection with her.


Is there anyway she would consider an open marriage? You could find a lady who would be open to a sexual relationship, and then you could be with your Wife for the rest?

I know it isnt an ideal situation, but it would take the pressure off you both

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I am puzzled for sure. I donÂ’t know if it is the pain (which I stopped months ago once I realized) or asexual or I just canÂ’t turn her on (feeling like a loser). I think me having sex without going in for ten minute every week and she fakes it is her way of meeting me halfway.

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I used to do porn instead but I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want an open marriage.


Then I am afraid that you will be living like brother & sister for the rest of your life.


Your wife has made it pretty clear that the sexual side of your marriage is completely over

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