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I have been married for 4 months by now and we did not consummate our marriage. Its an arranged marriage. I feel he is a very good guy but he never approached me in a way that i am loved. I tried giving pecks on his cheek a couple of times but he doenst respond positively. Infact he blames me stating i behave like living with a stranger. Back home my family thinks all is good but I am not able to share my feelings with them. I am an emotional person and have been pampered in many ways by my family. But here my husband doesnt even feel if i cry or if am emotionally down. I am left alone to be back normal. He doesnt even try to pacify me. I feel like running away. I feel judged for every small thing. I want him to be normal like he is with any of his friends but it never happened till now. I cannot even think of divorce. Please suggest me some ways in which i can make this situation better.

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We were engaged for 6 months but I was in India and he lived abroad. He flew down to India for 3 days. we got engaged and he flew back. 6 months we were in contact on phone but it was very formal kind of conversations. I did tell him i need to get some emotional connection which right now i see at 0. He says he needs time for it.

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It sounds like you guys need to date each other for awhile to build a relationship, or at the very least a friendship. You guys are perfect strangers to each other. Do you go to dinner? Movies? Bike rides? Anything fun together at all?

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We do indea.. we go for movies but it's all quiet. We go for drives. It's full of silent journey. We go for sightseeing but he isn't with me. He is occupied in his own world. No sweet talks. No compliments nothing. That one two complements are also by me. He has nothing good to talk to me.

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You should start off as if your just now meeting him for the first time and build a friendship. Then as time progresses things will happen more naturally.

 

You both have a lifetime to be where you want to be now all the time.

 

So I wouldn’t push him and just take things slow. He doesn’t really know you and probably approaches things at a more slower rate then normal.

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I tried that. He doesn't like if someone talks about past. He tries to show up as a perfectionist. But that isn't working for me. He has his rulebook and he questions if it's not as per it. He is quite a difficult man to handle but I don't want to give up at any point. I don't want our lives to be miserable. I cry every day because of my situation but I want to make it better. I really want to see it better :(

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My goodness, I don't know much about arranged marriages, but I think you need to find the courage to talk to your family.

 

This doesn't sound like a good situation for either one of you tbh. Neither of you sound happy or even content!

 

I mean it doesn't even seem like you're friends let alone marriage partners. In fact it doesn't even seem like you like each other! And it doesn't appear likely it's going to get better either.

 

Talk to your family, tell them what you've told us.

 

Is there a way for an arranged marriage to be annulled?

 

As I said, I don't know much about them but that would seem like the best thing for both of you.

 

I'm so sorry, I can't even imagine what you must be feeling.

Edited by katrina1980
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Did he want this marriage?

It almost seems like he resents you already ?

 

I was thinking the same thing. This sounds like a man who did NOT want to get married at all and shows zero interest in making it work. OP, I'm sorry to say but I think you're fighting a losing battle here. I highly doubt he'll change in any way and what you have right now, is what you get - a very disinterested man.

 

I don't know how arranged marriages work and the all the rules that go with it, or even if annulment/divorce is allowed etc, but if it is, I would cut my losses - I think being single is far more preferable than living a sad, lonely, miserable life. I wish you well.

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Is he gay or sexually involved with a lover? Your marriage is a sham. Tell your parents. Perhaps they can help you get out of it. Do they have to pay is family anything to get the marriage undone or a divorce. He is not going to change and there is nothing you can do to fix this unless you tell your parents he won't consummate your marriage and the marriage is fake.

I have been married for 4 months by now and we did not consummate our marriage. Its an arranged marriage.

Back home my family thinks all is good but I am not able to share my feelings with them.

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I did ask him if he was actually ok with this proposal or happy to get married.. he said he had no issues and this wedding happened with his consent. He is a good guy and cares when he isnst beside me. However when he is with me I dont even feel his presence. He doesnt care if i am down. He doesnt care if i cry. He doesnt ask me if am ok. I feel miserable. I dont want to regret this decision of my life but everyday due to the negativity that I am surrounded with gives me one more chance of an unhappy feeling. i am sure he must be feeling the same as i am cold at times because of our differences. at the end i just want an emotional connection between us that binds for the rest of our lives. i dont know if i am foolish thinking so :(

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I was thinking the same thing. This sounds like a man who did NOT want to get married at all and shows zero interest in making it work. OP, I'm sorry to say but I think you're fighting a losing battle here. I highly doubt he'll change in any way and what you have right now, is what you get - a very disinterested man.

 

I don't know how arranged marriages work and the all the rules that go with it, or even if annulment/divorce is allowed etc, but if it is, I would cut my losses - I think being single is far more preferable than living a sad, lonely, miserable life. I wish you well.

 

I did ask him if he was actually ok with this proposal or happy to get married.. he said he had no issues and this wedding happened with his consent. He is a good guy and cares when he isnst beside me. However when he is with me I dont even feel his presence. He doesnt care if i am down. He doesnt care if i cry. He doesnt ask me if am ok. I feel miserable. I dont want to regret this decision of my life but everyday due to the negativity that I am surrounded with gives me one more chance of an unhappy feeling. i am sure he must be feeling the same as i am cold at times because of our differences. at the end i just want an emotional connection between us that binds for the rest of our lives. i dont know if i am foolish thinking so :(

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Is he gay or sexually involved with a lover? Your marriage is a sham. Tell your parents. Perhaps they can help you get out of it. Do they have to pay is family anything to get the marriage undone or a divorce. He is not going to change and there is nothing you can do to fix this unless you tell your parents he won't consummate your marriage and the marriage is fake.

 

I asked him. He says he never had a girlfriend nor did he look forward for one before as he believed so much in arranged marriage that he respected the fact and culture bound to it. I cannot tell my parents. They would be shattered ;( I cant even imagine the consequences.

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He is a good guy and cares when he isnst beside me. However when he is with me I dont even feel his presence. He doesnt care if i am down. He doesnt care if i cry. He doesnt ask me if am ok. I feel miserable. I dont want to regret this decision of my life but everyday due to the negativity that I am surrounded with gives me one more chance of an unhappy feeling. i am sure he must be feeling the same as i am cold at times because of our differences. at the end i just want an emotional connection between us that binds for the rest of our lives. i dont know if i am foolish thinking so :(

You are not foolish for thinking so. You are not foolish for wanting an emotional connection with your husband, even if at the most basic level. That said, when reading the above, I think you are going to need to face reality and recognise that you will NOT get it with this man. Once you face that reality, it will be time for you to decide what you are going to do about it. I don't know how it works in your culture, but if there is marriage counselling, then try that for a start. If not, is there annulment? Divorce?

 

As for your parents: You cannot live your life through your parents. This is YOUR life. YOUR future. They are not in your shoes, living an absolutely miserable, sad and lonely life with a man who is totally disinterested and doesn't even care about you in the smallest way.

 

Do what is right for YOUR life and your future. If you feel you can live like this for the rest of your life, well then, that's a choice you make and you live with it. No-one can help you. Hopefully you'll get out of this sham of a "marriage" and be able to have a second chance at life and live a happier life.

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Stop being down, complaining, crying, pouting expecting mind reading, being cold and unfeeling, etc. He's not a psychiatrist. Your parents forced this marriage on you. He did not, stop blaming him and punishing him with your attitude and coldness. Your misery is because of your parents forcing you to marry yet you are blaming him, why? Are you both virgins?

 

You are the one who refuses to have an emotional connection and just cry, pout, shut him out and basically punish him for your parents choices. You act like a victim. And perhaps you are, but your parents victimized you, not him. He is just doing what is the norm in his culture and dealing with it and accepting the arrangement. You are crying and whining and pouting etc. You refuse to connect to him. You refuse to act like a grown woman. You refuse to be open or honest.

I He doesnt care if i am down. He doesnt care if i cry. He doesnt ask me if am ok. I feel miserable. i am cold at times because of our differences. at the end i just want an emotional connection between us that binds for the rest of our lives. i dont know if i am foolish thinking so :(
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  • 1 month later...

One more month into this. I dont see any progress but its getting worse. Many misunderstandings. Fights overtaking discussions. Arguments everyday. No signs of liking each other. I feel so bad and hurt. I feel suicidal :(

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One more month into this. I dont see any progress but its getting worse. Many misunderstandings. Fights overtaking discussions. Arguments everyday. No signs of liking each other. I feel so bad and hurt. I feel suicidal :(

 

I'm not sure what kind of advice we can give you here, as you say you can't/won't tell your parents, and you haven't mentioned if you can get an annulment/divorce in your culture. Can you two go for marriage counselling? If not, then I have no idea what else can be done.

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  • 1 month later...

Dear all. Thank you for responding for my previous posts. After six months of marriage, still being unconsummated, i have finally found something. I always felt he is a reserved kind of person and doenst know how to behave with girls. But i was wrong. He is quite comfortable with girls. Infact he had been so very nice and playful with girls. My husband has always been conscious about his phone all these days. On a suspicion note, I was able to check his laptop . He was crazily in love with a girl from 2009. His old FB msgs were of 'lovers' conversations. He has been in contact with her as a friend now. After our engagement also he has feeling for her as per the phone msgs that i have seen. He wanted to go on a trip with her. He said he loved her etc etc. I felt heart broken. Basically i felt he married me with a stuck mind and not moving on, although he denied it. I have confronted him and he told me that he loved her but she never reciprocated his feelings. They had gone on trips been in single rooms etc. It was past i understand. But i asked him to not be in contact with her from now for which he replied that it was all past and she is a very good friend of him now, he cannot stop being friend with her. After looping my family member in a call and after a long argument he accepted he would block her from all social contacts. Now, with this thing in my mind, i am scared how the rest of our life would be. He stilllllll blames ME for my childish, sensitive,emotional behavior that he doesnt get love and affection on me.What do i do? Serious suggestions are required. I feel really depressed. I married this guy with lots of hope and i see this no where going. I promised him that I would behave myself and not get carried away for small things. But want to forget what all has happened. HELP ME people ;(

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D

He was crazily in love with a girl from 2009. His old FB msgs were of 'lovers' conversations. He has been in contact with her as a friend now. After our engagement also he has feeling for her as per the phone msgs that i have seen. He wanted to go on a trip with her. He said he loved her etc etc. I felt heart broken.

 

He stilllllll blames ME for my childish, sensitive,emotional behavior that he doesnt get love and affection on me.What do i do? Serious suggestions are required. I feel really depressed. I married this guy with lots of hope and i see this no where going. I promised him that I would behave myself and not get carried away for small things. But want to forget what all has happened. HELP ME people ;(

Aside from his feelings for another woman . .and that in itself would be the deal breaker here, what seems to be worse is you are being punished for feeling the disappointment that you are very much entitled too.

 

I promised him that I would behave myself and not get carried away for small things.

 

My sense is he can use this as an excuse to continue to distance himself.

As if your legitimate reaction to this now is what keeps him from engaging you. There is no winning for you.

Have you shared any of this with your family?

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Aside from his feelings for another woman . .and that in itself would be the deal breaker here, what seems to be worse is you are being punished for feeling the disappointment that you are very much entitled too.

 

I promised him that I would behave myself and not get carried away for small things.

 

My sense is he can use this as an excuse to continue to distance himself.

As if your legitimate reaction to this now is what keeps him from engaging you. There is no winning for you.

Have you shared any of this with your family?

 

 

 

Shared to my sisters (younger and en elder). They suggest me to give time and try to forget this stuff as it was past. They asked me to keep smiling and create joyful and lively environment so that he'll change by putting MY efforts.

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