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I don’t know what to do, I need someone to talk to


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Hi, I don’t actually know where to begin but I was hoping someone out there has had a similar experience with me and could listen or give me advice? So my boyfriend (19yrs) and I (19yrs) were in a relationship for about a year and we had a lot of fun and we loved each other very much, but in December last year he started growing distant and told me he wanted space all of a sudden. We are both students and at that time it was our exam period so I decided its best to give him space and ask what happened when it’s over. Thats when he told me he lost feelings for me during the break and wants to break up. (I also found out he wanted a break cause his father got diagnosed with cancer then) It’s my first relationship and I didn’t know what to do and our anniversary was coming up so I asked him to think about it until our anniversary hoping he’ll reconsider and he did. We dated for a while more until I found out that he started talking to another girl during our break, someone he met back in April. He told me he just wanted to make a new friend but I couldnt believe him cause to me, he wanted space from me to grieve, but decided it would be a good time to make a new friend? He was also acting differently to me, he doesnt seem to care about what I did and didnt give me a proper explanation for what happened. He was also less loving to me and was more blunt about what he said and some of the things he said really hurt me. We argued more in January, thats when he broke it up with me. I couldn’t let him go and we kept in contact, and we messaged each other everyday as ‘friends’. We went on a date as well but only because we planned this for awhile and it would be a waste not to go. That’s when I ask if he could give us another shot. He said yes to that and promised that he’ll try to make me happy but only after our exams cause he wanted to focus on those to which I happily agreed to. After our exams we met up again for dates, thinking all things are great and we kissed and had sex but afterwards he told me that he cant say ‘i love you’ cause he didnt want to lie. I felt lead on to be intimate If I knew thats how he felt I wouldn’t have done anything. I don’t know what we are and I feel like don’t know him anymore. I know I should cut him off completely cause its affecting me. But I love him too much and I let myself be pushed around like this hoping that he would come back to me. I want him to love me back and I don’t want to let him go but at the same time I know I should cause I’m being selfish. I want to take care of him and be there in his dark days cause I know he’s not a bad person, just that the circumstances has made him colder. Not to mention he’s muslim and I’m christian by birth so his parents didn’t like me from the start. I haven’t even told anyone else about how bad it got. I lied to my friends, telling them I dont see him anymore but only because I don’t want them to worry about me. I feel like its my fault that I couldn’t let him go and I should’ve done so a long time ago but I was afraid of getting hurt. Now we’re both stuck in a difficult position.

I’m really sorry for the long story but I feel alone and I have no one else to talk to. Thank you for hearing me out though.

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First relationships are typically not meant to last forever. You learn from each relationship, so look at all you’ve learned from this guy. You’ve now experienced a relatively long term relationship, you’ve discovered what you’re like as a partner, you’ve learned what things you like and don’t like from a partner. You’ve learned how to be strong and maintain your priorities (exams came first, relationship drama comes second). You’ve felt the pain of unreciprocated love, pain that will only make you stronger.

 

Take all of these lessons with you as you move on and prepare for your next relationship. You’ll be a smarter person, a better partner, because of it. Take your time to heal, be happy with just yourself, and the next guy will bring all new joys and lessons that will make you even stronger.

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Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. He dumped you once because he didn't care enough to stay, and when the newness wore off the next two times, he repeated the behavior. You need to learn this life lesson of predictability. Caring more about consoling another at the detriment of your own closure is the worst thing you can do for yourself.

 

You can't open the front door to new possibilities when you have your foot stuck in the back door. He survived without you before he met you. Don't think he needs you through all the stress that everyone's lives bring. Concentrate on yourself--mourning the end of your first love, healing, and then moving on. He will be moving on and eventually meeting a new gf and will have zero time for you, so you end the "friendship" now on your own terms. Take care.

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The best thing you can do right now is to stop contact with this guy.

 

You need to focus or your well-being. This includes relying on your friends for support... tell them you need then right now because you are hurting, you don't need to tell them every single detail of the break up, just say I need your support.

 

Get out and do things, fill your days with activities, whatever you like doing, exercise, etc.

 

It's okay to feel sad, let yourself have your down days! Don’t feel guilty for them, own them. Just don’t forget to get back up the next day.

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That was a rotten thing for him to do, stringing you along like that while likely messaging or speaking with another new girl. It's no wonder that you're a complete mess. He's used you as support net (which is what you so desperately want!) while exploring other options! Be careful what you wish for or what you aim for. You are exactly what you wanted to be - his emotional pad. You've also lost your sanity, your peace of mind, your dignity and any commitment in a relationship. If this isn't a sign or a blazing indicator to you that your strategy is messed up, I don't know what is.

 

Pull back and start re-calculating everything. Look at your relationship with him more objectively and stop putting on rose-coloured lenses when it comes to him in general. Cancer is NO reason to treat someone badly. As someone who has been affected by cancer by nearly everyone in each generation and watched my family members pass away to cancer, I'll be the first one to tell you it is no reason to take your loved ones forgranted. It should do the exact opposite and your respect for life, another person's autonomy and respect for others' wishes and their wellbeing should be at the top of a person's list. Nothing should come before that respect for others except where it concerns safety.

 

Take care of yourself and don't settle for the bottom of the ocean. This is dirt bottom. You can do better.

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I am sorry to hear you are going through this tough time! Breakups suck, especially when the strong feelings persist.

My suggestion to you would be to just allow yourself to feel how you feel. These will eventually go away if you allow it to. One way to help fade these emotions faster is to stop all contact with this person. Hard to move on if you are constantly wondering about whether you should text, what to text, if they'll respond, what they will respond with, and overanalyzing every word to see if there's a deeper meaning beyond it. When he is not there in front of your face (via phone, social media, in person, etc etc) you will be better able to process the pain of the breakup and focus on yourself and your own well-being.

Best of luck

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