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My partner wants to sleep at his female friend`s house


GINAKK

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Bluecastle, thank you for such in depth and thoughtful response. I think you and him have this "straight gay" thing in common. I love that about him but this is also new territory to me.

I know they know each other long time but are meeting perhaps every few years.

I am not so worried about him cheating with her -I am uncomfortable with the overnight thing. Sure he can cheat here - it takes seconds. He can be cheating as I type this. I have no control over this. So I guess I need to relax and let him do what he wants to do. After all, he told me about it and could easily conceal. He could easily tell he is going to see friend, cousin or whatever.

I have to give him a credit for this and not make him regret for doing so.

 

Good attitude, and I swear I'm not just saying that in response to your kind words.

 

I hadn't totally noticed the "ladies man" stuff peppered in earlier—and, yeah, as other's spotted, with that came a little wave of harshness, judgement, insecurity unspooling. Very wise to work on dialing that back, on your own, since of course it is all connected to what you enjoy about him and are attracted to. Probably what other women find appealing too, but it's you he's chosen. Don't just trust that—get off on it, in all the ways.

 

Trust is something built slowly between two people, and it's built from two places: communication and self-confidence. The first you do together, the latter you cultivate on your own, and it's essential, especially early, when you need to take comfort in yourself to stand sturdy alongside the inherent (and sometimes jolting) mystery of another. Compatibility is basically learning if (a) you can communicate with someone and (b) if your self-confidence remains stable, or ideally increases, with them in your life. If either a or b turn out to not be possible for whatever reason—ugh, sadness. But also life.

 

These early moments like the one you're in are wonderful and exciting opportunities, if approached right. It's where we can be challenged a bit, and challenge another, by which I don't mean pushing and/or bending and/or policing, but learning to be authentic—speaking your needs from a place of confidence, not insecurity, and listening to those of another without them becoming a verdict on you.

 

Like DancingFool said, it sounds like you guys are basically on the same page here. You're both just tiptoeing a bit because, well, you're two human beings who have only known each other for 5 months and like each other a lot. Keep leaning into that, and keep liking yourself. It's an adventure, not an endurance test, something we can all sometimes lose sight of in these little mini pickles.

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I admit I would not be crazy about the idea and a bit uncomfortable. However, I'm not his prison warden and don't believe in not "allowing" my bf to do something if he wants to.

 

I would keep my discomfort to myself as it's my issue to deal with, but gauge his behaviour while he's gone and when he returns.

 

Mostly when he returns though as he will only be gone for one day, correct?

 

It would be nice to receive a text or two though, but I would not expect nor hold him to that.

 

I'm a pretty perceptive girl and if any impropriety (love that word, thnx DF!) took place while visiting her, I'd be able to tell real fast upon his return, and would deal with it then.

 

Also tbh only five months in, I would not be so quick to just assume he's not attracted to this woman, that his intentions for going are to simply see how a friend is doing.

 

Of course I would again keep these feelings to myself and upon his return continue observing and evaluating if this man was the right fit for me, and vice versa.

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Gin, looks like your thread is has blown up in less than 24 hours (what a hot topic)!

 

You're dating a man with a superman complex (save the world and every blade of grass type). Sorry to have to lay it to you straight. I dated a superman wannabe and it was ridiculous. Treat this instance as a red flag and be more observant in your relationship.

 

You seem torn at the 'right' thing to do. I'll tell you the truth: sometimes being wrong is right. Doing the wrong thing in the small picture means doing the right thing in the big picture when it comes to peace of mind and overall happiness. Don't get blindsided by petty details and small instances. To me, this is a small instance and poor judgment on his part(silly and impulsive). I'd encourage you to be liberal in your early days if you enjoy each others' company so much but put a cap on it and axe the relationship once he exhibits more superman complex qualities. Don't let it go on too long. It's not worth it. Look out for yourself.

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I think it is really, really speaks to not respecting the boundaries of others if he intends to show up, out of the blue to "check on her" and spend the night without her knowing/inviting when she says she is "fine."

 

Its one thing if someone is suicidal. Its another when someone has an ongoing health problem. ANd its her private business.

 

It would be approrpriate to call a mutual friend or her sister - those that have seen her and get the "real scoop" and inquire.

It would be appropriate to express concern and offer to take her for lunch, even under the guise he will be in the area for other reasons to put her at ease.

 

But just showing up and plopping yourself in the guest room of a woman who might not be wanting to entertain speaks to poor boundaries.

If he sees her just a handful of times a year, surely she has family helping with her needs.

 

Its not a case where its up to him and swoop in and save the day.

 

I think that if he had asked her to lunch with no expectation he would stay AND had a motel 6 or something, that would be approrpriate, and so would deciding to take a day trip with you to see the area, and inviting her out to lunch if she is able with the two of you would make her not feel "checked up on" - if she doesn't want guests - even if its just him, she has to be respected.

 

Its not about trusting he won't cheat, but paying attention going forward on his sense of boundaries and not mowing over other people's. I would be fit to be tied if a friend came to check on me without my wanting and they expected to stay the night

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I think it is really, really speaks to not respecting the boundaries of others if he intends to show up, out of the blue to "check on her" and spend the night without her knowing/inviting when she says she is "fine."

 

Its one thing if someone is suicidal. Its another when someone has an ongoing health problem. ANd its her private business.

 

It would be approrpriate to call a mutual friend or her sister - those that have seen her and get the "real scoop" and inquire.

It would be appropriate to express concern and offer to take her for lunch, even under the guise he will be in the area for other reasons to put her at ease.

 

But just showing up and plopping yourself in the guest room of a woman who might not be wanting to entertain speaks to poor boundaries.

If he sees her just a handful of times a year, surely she has family helping with her needs.

 

Its not a case where its up to him and swoop in and save the day.

 

I think that if he had asked her to lunch with no expectation he would stay AND had a motel 6 or something, that would be approrpriate, and so would deciding to take a day trip with you to see the area, and inviting her out to lunch if she is able with the two of you would make her not feel "checked up on" - if she doesn't want guests - even if its just him, she has to be respected.

 

Its not about trusting he won't cheat, but paying attention going forward on his sense of boundaries and not mowing over other people's. I would be fit to be tied if a friend came to check on me without my wanting and they expected to stay the night

 

I agree however in this case, it's not out of the realm of possibility that it was planned, and he's not gonna just show up unannounced to check on her.

 

Which is also why I said I would not be so quick to assume there's nothing going on.

 

I certainly wouldn't, but would keep those thoughts to myself.

 

At only five months in, it would be a mistake to confront (my opinion), as I said just gauge his actions while gone (if he stays in touch) and when he returns.

 

If something is going on (more than friendship) when he returns, I highly doubt he's gonna be able to hide that very well.

 

Continue observing and evaluating if this is the right man and right RL for you.

 

I realize they've been "friends" a long time, but things can change over time; the entire situation just sounds really bizarre imo.

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Maybe it's because I'm only 24 but my man staying at a 60 year olds house wouldn't bother me. I mean c'mon...

 

You should worry. The sex is awesome when child-bearing is over, lives are established, and experience is well-learned and implemented. You're thinking of grandmas and grandpas who bake cookies and play pinochle, not sexual beings who can freely get it on without the garbage of youth. I actually find your comment a little offensive.

 

OP, I'm not going to be very useful here because I'm really on the fence. I'm trying desperately to picture myself in a 5-month relationship in this situation, and it's a toughie. You don't describe any type of romance, flirting, prior dating, or anything other than once co-workers and long-time friends, and for that...is there really anything to worry about? Wouldn't it be like staying with his sister? But I fully agree that staying in her home overnight really tips over the edge of inappropriate, and he must have some inclination of such, as he broached the topic with you. I can agree that a 2-1/2 hour drive home might be a bit much, and I also think that because he has a significant other, staying in a hotel/motel would be the better option, especially because it is a pretty big issue for you. All you can do is let him know your feelings on this issue and leave him to make his choices...whether this is your hill to die on or not remains to be seen. If he chooses to stay over with her, despite your resistance to it, will that alter your feelings and relationship? I guess you'll find out. I do lean in the direction of hotel. I also feel like if you had a chance to meet and know her a little, you might feel more comfortable with such sleeping arrangements in the future...for now, maybe he needs to err on the side of caution.

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Maybe it's because I'm only 24 but my man staying at a 60 year olds house wouldn't bother me. I mean c'mon...

 

This is an irrelevant comparison, considering this man is not 24.

 

Perhaps this is surprising to you, but a 50-year-old man and a 60-year-old woman are not generally out of each other's age-frame for dating.

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This is an irrelevant comparison, considering this man is not 24.

 

Perhaps this is surprising to you, but a 50-year-old man and a 60-year-old woman are not generally out of each other's age-frame for dating.

It is very surprising to me... if I were 50 I'd try to date someone at least below 45
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Well, once again, I chime in. There are some very nice looking women at 60 and are in very good shape.

 

You can't color them all with the same crayon and think that they have all had it due to their age...it's just not true.

 

To be even more specific, there are some that are hotter and nicer than some younger ones...who knew, eh?

 

But it's true.

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It is very surprising to me... if I were 50 I'd try to date someone at least below 45

 

You have no clue what you will do at 50 or what your preferences will be.

 

Your comparisons are unfair, and frankly, not helpful. Conjecture about what you may or may not do 25 years down the road is irrelevant to OP's current issue.

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You have no clue what you will do at 50 or what your preferences will be.

 

Your comparisons are unfair, and frankly, not helpful

 

Agree! I'm not sure why you started in about bashing someone at a certain age but it's not useful in this situation or any other, come to think of it.

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Look at Christie Brinkley or Susan Sarandon to name a few.

 

Not all women go to pot just because they are a certain age.

 

Sorry, OP, didn't mean to change the topic but just have to put it out there that over 60 does not mean whatever rchubn thinks it means.

 

Exactly SS.

 

I wish I could link a recent pic of Christie Brinkley, she's 66! Looks 35, no joke.

 

She also has a body to die for, does those Total Gym commercials.

 

Age really means nothing in this day and age, it's just a number.

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