My partner wants to sleep at his female friend`s house

[GINAKK]

Based on your responses here OP, it sounds like you just don’t like the intimacy of an overnight stay between your boyfriend and another woman. It doesn’t seem like you’re worried about him cheating, you just don’t want your boyfriend being in that situation, right? Which I find totally reasonable, I wouldn’t like it either.

 

Finally, someone gets me.....that is exactly what I mean....the overnight thing makes me uncomfortable.....thank you Indea. I don't think this has got to do much with a trust. I don't get why would anyone create situation that can invite trouble into relationship.

[SherrySher]

I am still telling you the same thing...you don't like the overnight cause you think it might lead to him crawling into her bed.

 

If you think he could possibly do that, why date him?

 

You might stop him this time but if this is who he is, it will come up again. You can't start policing someone 5 months in.

 

If you feel the need to, then something is wrong.

[indea08]

I know beyond a shadow of doubt that my husband would never cheat on me. I still would not be okay with his sleeping at some woman’s house. Waking up in the morning, getting ready in her bathroom, relaxing over morning coffee, etc. Taking cheating completely off the table, it’s still not okay to share that intimacy. That’s how the OP feels. It has nothing to do with trust. It has to do with what she finds acceptable vs what he finds acceptable.

 

Maybe he’ll be totally fine with seeing your side of it and it won’t even be an issue? Give him that chance. And if he does make a fuss about it, then his boundaries don’t align with yours and you can make decisions with that knowledge.

 

You’re not being unreasonable, OP. Speak your needs!

[SherrySher]

I don't think this has got to do much with a trust. I don't get why would anyone create situation that can invite trouble into relationship.

 

Yes, this is about trust. If his friend was a burly guy named Ralph, you'd have no problem with it.

 

It's because this friend, has lady bits and you think he might want to get close to them.

 

Again, if you think he could possibly be doing these things, then why are you with him?

 

You can't be policing someone like this, it won't work and you will both end up miserable.

 

You might be able to "communicate" or dictate to him why he can't be staying at his friends or why you don't like it, and think that you saved him from doing bad things, but you need to ask yourself why you have to be saying anything at all and why a 50 year old man needs to be told.

 

Surely at 50 he knows better and if he doesn't by now and if he could be doing bad things, then honestly, find someone else.

[SherrySher]

He's 50...if he doesn't know better by now, he's never going to know better.

 

I actually mean that, if this guy still needs to be told at this later stage in life how to behave and what's okay and what's not and what might hurt a woman etc...then he's not a guy you should be dating.

 

I would say that a 20 something might have to be told as they are still learning, but at 50!?!...nah, if he doesn't know any better and if you're worried this early on in the relationship, it spells trouble.

[GINAKK]

I know beyond a shadow of doubt that my husband would never cheat on me. I still would not be okay with his sleeping at some woman’s house. Waking up in the morning, getting ready in her bathroom, relaxing over morning coffee, etc. Taking cheating completely off the table, it’s still not okay to share that intimacy. That’s how the OP feels. It has nothing to do with trust. It has to do with what she finds acceptable vs what he finds acceptable.

 

Maybe he’ll be totally fine with seeing your side of it and it won’t even be an issue? Give him that chance. And if he does make a fuss about it, then his boundaries don’t align with yours and you can make decisions with that knowledge.

 

You’re not being unreasonable, OP. Speak your needs!

 

Indea, you could not put it any better.....yes, sharing coffees in pyjamas its not something I can easily swallow. It is that intimacy one should share with a partner or family members.

Thank you. I will certainly tell him that this overnight part makes me feel uncomfortable.

[SherrySher]

Go ahead, dictate, but if he has to be told at 50 and if you are policing this early on,..it's not going to work.

[GINAKK]

He's 50...if he doesn't know better by now, he's never going to know better.

 

I actually mean that, if this guy still needs to be told at this later stage in life how to behave and what's okay and what's not and what might hurt a woman etc...then he's not a guy you should be dating.

 

I would say that a 20 something might have to be told as they are still learning, but at 50!?!...nah, if he doesn't know any better and if you're worried this early on in the relationship, it spells trouble.

 

SherrySher, yes you are right...he is 50 and I don't think he needs to be lectured. I wonder why came up with this idea in the first place. He could travel and stay overnight when he was single but now?

you also are right by saying if this would be "Ralph" I would see things differently ...so there you go

[GINAKK]

Go ahead, dictate, but if he has to be told at 50 and if you are policing this early on,..it's not going to work.

 

I don't want to police- hence I am here to ask for advice....

[Nickel Speed]

I actually don’t think this has anything to do with trust.

 

Based on your responses here OP, it sounds like you just don’t like the intimacy of an overnight stay between your boyfriend and another woman. It doesn’t seem like you’re worried about him cheating, you just don’t want your boyfriend being in that situation, right? Which I find totally reasonable, I wouldn’t like it either.

 

I do believe you need to be honest about where you stand on the matter. If overnighters are not something you want to allow room for in your relationship, you are well within your rights to say so. I think the way you worded it would be fine. Just make it clear that your issue isn’t that you think he would cheat, but just that, to you, overnight stays in and of themselmselves are inappropriate. Saying nothing will land you in a relationship where you’re forcing yourself to deal with situations that make you uncomfortable, leaving you insecure, possibly resentful.

 

Speak your needs and boundaries. If he’s as good of a man as you say he is, he will respect them.

 

 

 

I agree with this. I would not be comfortable with the situation, even if they truly were just friends.

 

OP, keep doing you. You sound like you are trying to be very reasonable. Communicate openly.

[Nickel Speed]

I know beyond a shadow of doubt that my husband would never cheat on me. I still would not be okay with his sleeping at some woman’s house. Waking up in the morning, getting ready in her bathroom, relaxing over morning coffee, etc. Taking cheating completely off the table, it’s still not okay to share that intimacy. That’s how the OP feels. It has nothing to do with trust. It has to do with what she finds acceptable vs what he finds acceptable.

 

Maybe he’ll be totally fine with seeing your side of it and it won’t even be an issue? Give him that chance. And if he does make a fuss about it, then his boundaries don’t align with yours and you can make decisions with that knowledge.

 

You’re not being unreasonable, OP. Speak your needs!

 

 

 

I knew my wife would never cheat on me, until it happened. Truly the most heartbreaking thing I've dealt with.

 

 

 

Yes, this is about trust. If his friend was a burly guy named Ralph, you'd have no problem with it.

 

It's because this friend, has lady bits and you think he might want to get close to them.

 

Again, if you think he could possibly be doing these things, then why are you with him?

 

You can't be policing someone like this, it won't work and you will both end up miserable.

 

You might be able to "communicate" or dictate to him why he can't be staying at his friends or why you don't like it, and think that you saved him from doing bad things, but you need to ask yourself why you have to be saying anything at all and why a 50 year old man needs to be told.

Surely at 50 he knows better and if he doesn't by now and if he could be doing bad things, then honestly, find someone else.

 

Well, he was open about going to see the other woman and then asked his current partner (the OP) if it was ok.

 

I suspect he does know that it may cause some strife in the relationship. He is seeking approval, she isn't comfortable with it. It sounds like he is already considering her feelings. She should be honest with her thoughts on the matter. She is not being controlling by being honest and reasonable. Don't shame her for doing so.

[bluecastle]

Nickel, real quick: I'm genuinely sorry for your pain, which you elude to in nearly every thread here. I know it's fresh, searing, and I very much know those feelings. Been there, in your very shoes. But the instinct to turn every thread into a potential expose of infidelity is, in my opinion, a disservice to some OPs. Planting paranoid and catastrophic thoughts in people's minds when they're vulnerable is not the most compassionate response, even when the intentions are to help. I'd say this is a situation that does not warrant the knee-jerk banging of the infidelity drum, even if it relieves you of your own pain, momentarily.

 

That out of the way, back to you OP, and what you're working through.

 

I'm of a few minds here, and will admit from the start I'm posting with some bias, or at least experience that might be relevant. I am a man with a lot of female friends, including some I've had romantic history with. I'd say these friendships are, by and large, the extension of qualities in myself that I value—care, compassion, open-mindedness—and qualities I'd like valued in a romantic partner; were any of these female friends in need, my instinct would be to be there for them, as they'd be there for me. It is the same instinct any romantic partner benefits from, and not one my female friends will lose just because I get involved with someone else.

 

These friendships are also, of course, connected to what likely makes me appealing (at least early) romantically: I appreciate women, and have always got along better with women than men, the joke among my friends being that I'm like a "straight gay man." But, alas, the "straight" part: no denying that, no deny thing the history there, and no denying it can all make navigating new romance a challenge. I've made some big steps, and some missteps, on this path. Work in progress, as all of us are.

 

Your bf, like me, seems to understand this about himself and addressed it with you the best he knows how, at this juncture in his personal journey of life. And I think he's done a pretty good job. He's got a friend who could use some support, wants to support this friend, and is absolutely right that trying to fit that in, along with 5 hours of driving, is too much. If his friend was "Ralph" he'd have simply told you that he was going to stay with Ralph for a night; since his friend is female, he broached it with sensitivity, which I would appreciate as a show of respect to you, what you guys have, and the nuances of gender dynamics in general. He has shown that your emotional comfort is of value to him. He asked you to have a think on it.

 

And in that thinking you're at a bit of a crossroads.

 

Is there room here to challenge and expand your own boundaries, to find genuine comfort in a place he is comfortable? Or does doing so put too many eggshells under your feet and edgy thoughts in your mind that risk closing you off, slowing or even damaging the building of trust between you two? Is this a good time, 5 months in, to create some boundaries together or even for him to recognize that certain behavior, when single, may not fly in romance, even if it is all above board? Or is it a bit early, one of those moments where a still-forming foundation cracks under pressure?

 

These seem to be the questions on your mind, understandably.

 

Surely, your bf's ideal scenario would probably be you going "Cool, have fun, hope she's doing well" and for you to genuinely mean that, or genuinely learn to be okay with it in the private confines of your emotional space. Just as your ideal scenario would be him, say, telling you he is seeing a female friend and will be staying at the Motel 6 in Town X, or going "Amazing idea!" when you brought up joining him.

 

But, well, that is not you, not him, not quite, not this minute. Good news? He likes you very much, just as you like him very much. Trust that right now, don't test it.

 

With that in mind I say let him know, from a place of self-love and love for him, that you are uncomfortable with him staying over. Not because you have any suspicions, but that it's simply new terrain for you, and that you'd be more comfortable, at this juncture, if he stays at a hotel. I'd let the idea of you joining rest for now, unless he brings it up, since, whatever the intentions, it could be construed as policing. There is love and warmth and curiosity about his life behind that suggestion, no doubt; but there is also, let's be honest, a dash of insecurity.

 

Are there risks here? Sure.

 

He could be frustrated, annoyed at feeling misunderstood or falsely judged, perhaps disappointed that the woman he is investing in (you) does not see things (and himself) the way he does. Well, fine. Something for you two to work on a bit, over time, as your intimacy deepens. And if it's the straw that breaks the foundation—well, devastating. But then again? Eggshells and edgy thoughts are devastating too, since it means you're becoming someone you're not in order to accommodate a relationship. So it wouldn't even be a loss, if it came to that, but a melancholy win for both of you. It would mean, 5 months in, that you discovered the limits of your mutual compatibility.

 

I don't see it coming to that, though.

 

Speaking for myself, when I like a woman, when I'm "falling," when I'm invested in a relationship, I am open, even eager, to making adjustments in this realm of my life, open to feeling a little frustrated and a little unseen (as you are now feeling a little frustrated and unseen) without shutting down or running away. In fact, I've made certain changes to the way I handle my female friendships in order to make more room for new romance and intimacy, and that process has been a joy, an expansion of myself that has made room for deeper connections and better boundaries. I'd probably, at this point in my life, book a room at the Motel 6 from the outset. I wasn't always this way, but as much as a value my female friendships I equally value the potential of a romantic partnership.

 

What is a hard boundary for me is that I will not coddle another's insecurities to make a partnership viable. When I find myself in that dynamic, I am generally done pretty quickly. What I will do, happily, excitedly, is try to understand another's needs and values, to bridge small gaps between mine and another's, because I believe that's the beauty of partnership. Sounds like you do too, given your compassionate tone here. And sounds like your bf does as well, given that he did not throw this at you but laid it out, as gently as he knows how, to be discussed.

 

So, discuss.

 

Sweep away those few innocuous eggshells together, and then make out after a glass of wine. This is a moment when you can get a little closer, more vulnerable, together, as you learn each other and learn each other's love languages. Maybe down the line, as you set boundaries together by better understanding each other, things change. You'll likely meet some of these friends, removing the mystery, negating the "threat," and in the process find yourself shifting. And down the line, as he learns you, he'll shift too. This is all the sweetness of connection, of growing as individuals alongside each other. Embrace it, together.

[Hollyj]

I hope you can share your thoughts on this.

I am with my partner for 5 months now so still rather fresh. I am 41 and he is 50. I only met one his male friend and he didn't meet any of mine.

Few months ago he mentioned he has quite a few female friends. One of them lives 2,5 hours away. Apparently they worked together years ago and now she is retired. She is 60 years old and recovers from a very serious illness.

Fast forward- a couple of weeks ago, he said that he is worried about her as she never asks for help, she is always "fine". He said he would like to find out himself if this is the case.

I thought that was a good idea and the right thing to do. However, he added" anytime I visit her, I stay overnight as the trip back and forth is tiring. How would you feel about it? Think about it".

Really? We travel to work an hour and it is not an issue....

 

I am not feeling comfortable with the fact that he would like to sleep at her house. However he was so honest about it and I don't want to punish him for being real with me. He trusted me I will respond in a mature way....but I cant help it that I find this disturbing.

I said " we thought about going away for a weekend -how about we go there and stay at the hotel and you can visit your friend ?" He was puzzled but said "not a bad idea" but I see this is now as maybe a controlling behaviour....I don't want him to think he is going there with a police officer.

What is the best way to respond to it ? to deal with it ? I don't know this woman....and he didn't mention he would like me to meet her.

Also , makes me wonder -why would he stay there overnight ....if she is recovering from this illness, she will probably be tired rather promptly and I think its even not fair for him to stay there and make her being a host ....prepare him food and entertain him etc.

 

Am I being wrong here?

 

You are wrong and insecure. If they have been friends for years, I do not understand why you would question this- damn, she is ill. I would have a big problem with your behavior. Either you trust, or you don't.

[Hollyj]

Before I mentioned the idea about the hotel, he did mention that if I will feel uncomfortable, he may take a hotel. This surprised me as he does not spend money easily....than I said about that hotel idea together.

It is not like she does not want him there, apparently when they are talking, she keeps saying that she is fine. She is single and has no kids. She has two sisters who live quite far.

I am a bit jealous too....he never displayed such caring side with me yet but that's another story.

 

You should not have inserted yourself into this. He wants to see his friend and spend time with her,

[Gary Snyder]

I don't feel comfortable him spending night in another woman`s house. It is intimate and just not appropriate in my book

 

- GINAKK is 100% correct.

 

Yeah, he should not be spending the night at that woman's house when he has a girlfriend. It's not about trust issues - it can feel like cheating to a whole lot of women.

 

Let her get help from other friends or family. He's not her caregiver or the only person in the world who can help her. Sheesh!

 

Relationships take work, and require sacrifice. His sacrifice here, is no dates or things that look like dates with other women,

and for gosh sakes, no sleepovers with other women. If you don't like it, hit the road, Jack!

[Hollyj]

How did you meet? Why is it that you have not met any of each other's friends/family? Unfortunately you are using a lot of hints and tests which are quite transparent that you do not like this idea and do not trust him. For example your "test" is "if he introduces me or invites me, he's not hiding something"

 

This idea that you tag along screams "I don't trust you" so he would be a fool not to realize that. So are the ingratiating remarks about "you should go see her blah blah", when it fact it annoys you. You are not being clear nor honest with yourself. You are attempting to subtly manipulate the situation with roundabout wording.

 

He does not need your permission to go. Nor does he need lectures on what it means to not be single. You are in fact policing him but attempting to obscure it with psychobabble.

 

Where is all the anxiety coming from? Where you cheated on in the past? Do you perceive him to be a ladies man? Or do you think there are other people/reasons he is going there for?

Agree! Agree!

[Hollyj]

I'm curious why you would choose a player, especially since you have trust issues?

[Hollyj]

It's true, she can't be policing another person.

 

If she doesn't trust him then she needs to ask herself if it's even worth it to continue..after all, it's only 5 months in.

 

She has heard that he's a ladies man, that's not a great nickname.

 

But telling him to not sleep at his friends won't stop him from cheating if that's who he is.

 

Totally agree. Hell, he can cheat in his home city with someone else.

 

If someone told me that I could not overnight at my long-term friend house-been friends for over 25 years- the relationship would be over. Either my partner trusts me, or they don't.

[LC8328]

I know beyond a shadow of doubt that my husband would never cheat on me. I still would not be okay with his sleeping at some woman’s house. Waking up in the morning, getting ready in her bathroom, relaxing over morning coffee, etc. Taking cheating completely off the table, it’s still not okay to share that intimacy. That’s how the OP feels. It has nothing to do with trust. It has to do with what she finds acceptable vs what he finds acceptable.

 

Maybe he’ll be totally fine with seeing your side of it and it won’t even be an issue? Give him that chance. And if he does make a fuss about it, then his boundaries don’t align with yours and you can make decisions with that knowledge.

 

You’re not being unreasonable, OP. Speak your needs!

 

Agree. I echo this sentiment, and add my own: if the roles were reversed, and I were the one sleeping at some single male friend's house, my husband would not like it one bit. He wouldn't forbid me -he knows better than that -but he would NOT think it appropriate in any way, shape or form. Logic dictates that if he wouldn't want me doing it, then neither should he.

 

However, that's us. Every couple is different. I don't think your BF has any malicious intent with this woman, but at the end of the day, you are uncomfortable with it and you need to communicate that to him. It doesn't mean you have to police him or dictate. Especially if it's said in a "fyi, I'm uncomfortable" manner instead of "heck no you ain't sleeping there ever." Discuss, put the cards on the table, let him respond, work out a solution that you're both happy with.

[itsallgrand]

I actually think it's rather rude to be making all these insinuations towards him. Why can't you drive back? ( It's five hours of driving, and he's checking on someone he says is stubborn and ill). Why don't I come and we get a hotel?( You weren't invited). Why would he stay if she is ill since she'll have to host him ( if they are good friends, he'll be helping her, not her catering to him as a sick person).

 

Lots of negative assumptions about his character. Then you throw in the 'ladies man' thing.

 

I agree with Wiseman and Holly. He already knows you don't like it, you've made it clear. You don't trust him. You mentioned how he hasn't had time to earn that trust. That's fine. Have you ever thought of extending trust until he shows you otherwise though? Trying to control how he shows you what he is about and who he is, it won't change it. This is the time you get to know each other and if you are compatible. It never works to try and change someone.

[indea08]

The wide variety of responses here just go to show you how different people are when it comes to relationship boundaries.

 

That’s why it’s so important to speak up and have open and honest communication to determine if you and your partners boundaries align!

[GINAKK]

Thank you All very much. There is a wide variety of responses indeed. I am cautiously optimistic...yes. Some responses made me realise that maybe I was too harsh and unfair. I certainly do not want to come across as someone who wants to dictate something to someone. I wont even mention going together. I will tell him to go and have a good time, and will try to deal with my discomfort on my own.

Bluecastle, thank you for such in depth and thoughtful response. I think you and him have this "straight gay" thing in common. I love that about him but this is also new territory to me.

I know they know each other long time but are meeting perhaps every few years.

I am not so worried about him cheating with her -I am uncomfortable with the overnight thing. Sure he can cheat here - it takes seconds. He can be cheating as I type this. I have no control over this. So I guess I need to relax and let him do what he wants to do. After all, he told me about it and could easily conceal. He could easily tell he is going to see friend, cousin or whatever.

I have to give him a credit for this and not make him regret for doing so.

[Hollyj]

I consider my long-term male friend, to be like my little brother. Do you not have any platonic male relationships? I have quite a few, and cannot imagine having anything physical with them. We are friends, just like I am with my female friends.

[DancingFool]

This has nothing to do with trust or control or dictating anything. This is all about relationship boundaries and propriety. Something that couples NEED to actually communicate about and be sure that they are on the same page to avoid hurt, crossed wires, resentments, and so on.

 

OP, I think that instead of trying to dance around the subject, you need to be honest and direct with him that personally you don't believe that a person in relationship should have these kinds of sleepovers. That is your point of view, your boundaries, your value system. He can do with that as he pleases. Communicating your boundaries doesn't control or force a person to do anything. He can take it or leave it. Simple compromises here have already been suggested - either you travel as a couple and make a weekend of it or he stays in a hotel. Seems to me that he is probably on the same page with you, since he himself suggested the hotel idea. So just talk, clear the air. It actually sounds like you two are like minded when it comes to these things, it's just that you are stalling a bit on saying it out loud.

 

I'll also add that yes, I have terrific platonic guy friends. One in particular, we indulge in spending a whole weekend gaming, marathon movie watching while ordering in food in a total sweats and t-shirts slob fest. We never ever do this if either one is in a relationship. It's simply disrespectful to our respective SO's, not because we'd ever do anything, but because it gives that appearance of impropriety, of a much more intimate connection and possibly more. We'd never put our SO's in that kind of a position. It's all about boundaries and friends are perfectly capable of recognizing when something might give that wrong impression and wouldn't want to cause damage to romantic relationships....real friends anyway.....

[Afireblue]

I think you are making a big deal out of it and inviting yourself is not a good idea.

 

It would be so easy for him not to even tell you he was going, and go stay with her any weekend that he is not with you. Come on! you are 40 and he is 50, you don't own the guy and he has been friends with her for a while by the sounds of it.

 

He is actually being honest with you and you should be glad he told you up front, and that he is kind enough to go out his way for a friend.

 

Are you insecure? or are you very jaded from previous relationships to not trust him this once?? has he shown you untrustworthy behavior in the past?