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My partner wants to sleep at his female friend`s house


GINAKK
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I hope you can share your thoughts on this.

I am with my partner for 5 months now so still rather fresh. I am 41 and he is 50. I only met one his male friend and he didn't meet any of mine.

Few months ago he mentioned he has quite a few female friends. One of them lives 2,5 hours away. Apparently they worked together years ago and now she is retired. She is 60 years old and recovers from a very serious illness.

Fast forward- a couple of weeks ago, he said that he is worried about her as she never asks for help, she is always "fine". He said he would like to find out himself if this is the case.

I thought that was a good idea and the right thing to do. However, he added" anytime I visit her, I stay overnight as the trip back and forth is tiring. How would you feel about it? Think about it".

Really? We travel to work an hour and it is not an issue....

 

I am not feeling comfortable with the fact that he would like to sleep at her house. However he was so honest about it and I don't want to punish him for being real with me. He trusted me I will respond in a mature way....but I cant help it that I find this disturbing.

I said " we thought about going away for a weekend -how about we go there and stay at the hotel and you can visit your friend ?" He was puzzled but said "not a bad idea" but I see this is now as maybe a controlling behaviour....I don't want him to think he is going there with a police officer.

What is the best way to respond to it ? to deal with it ? I don't know this woman....and he didn't mention he would like me to meet her.

Also , makes me wonder -why would he stay there overnight ....if she is recovering from this illness, she will probably be tired rather promptly and I think its even not fair for him to stay there and make her being a host ....prepare him food and entertain him etc.

 

Am I being wrong here?

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She lives 2,5 hours by train...and apparently they don't have a history together. He said it is his initiative as he is worry about her. She does not know yet that he is planning to pay visit.

I asked why cant he go early morning and return in the evening....he said it is tiring.

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I like your idea of staying at a hotel, which he should really do anyway if she hasn't even invited him.

 

She has said she is fine, and he is ignoring that. It's not right to insist and insert himself where she hasn't asked him to. Surely he is not the only friend she has, whom she can call on for help. Add the fact that he is in a relationship with you now, and it's a boundary that I would not want crossed. You are not controlling him if you state where your boundaries are and let him make the final call, knowing how you feel.

 

I find it a bit strange that a man at 50 years old needs that spelled out to him.

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Before I mentioned the idea about the hotel, he did mention that if I will feel uncomfortable, he may take a hotel. This surprised me as he does not spend money easily....than I said about that hotel idea together.

It is not like she does not want him there, apparently when they are talking, she keeps saying that she is fine. She is single and has no kids. She has two sisters who live quite far.

I am a bit jealous too....he never displayed such caring side with me yet but that's another story.

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I wouldn’t do a 5 hour round trip in a day when visiting a friend. That leaves no time to actually see that friend so what would be the point of that?

And suggesting that is not a good idea.

 

Also suggesting to go with him is not a good idea. She is recovering from an illness and the last thing she needs on her plate is to host to a stranger.

 

To those that think he is inviting himself to stay at hers without an invite , I don’t think is the case.

He is doing the right thing by his gf , the op , by running it past her first and I assume if she’s ok with it then and only then will he ask his friend can he come visit. And of course only go if she agrees.

 

It’s entirely up to you op, whether you trust him or not, it’s early days so I guess you don’t know yet etc.

But it is the perfect time to lay boundaries, what you will or won’t accept.

It is perfectly ok to say “I’m not comfortable with you staying at a female friends place who I haven’t met yet”

Don’t tell him what to do , just state what you aren’t comfortable with.

And leave it up to him to decide what to do.

 

If he goes ahead and stays with her , he doesn’t agree to your boundaries and then it’s up to you what to do then.

 

If he says he will book a nearby hotel, great, it’s then up to you to trust that he is doing that or not.

 

You are still early in the honeymoon phase and these hurdles are what makes or breaks.

Be careful how you react because jumping up and down and making ultimatums will only break you.

Have a discussion with him and let us know how it goes before reacting too much.

 

Good luck! 😀

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Thank you for all the comments. Last night he said he needs to talk to me face to face. I have a feeling that he will mention that he wants to go and see her. Somehow, I also have a feeling he will "forget "I mentioned going together.

So we are meeting later this evening.

When I suggested going with him, I did not think of going to see her-unless she would like to. I was thinking to spend time in town while he is with her and than we could have evening together. Sort of two in one. He never mentioned introducing me to her or any other friends as of yet. I don't want to impose.

I guess, I will say " I admire the fact that you care about your friend. You should certainly go and check on her. However, I will feel really uncomfortable knowing that you will stay there overnight. Being in another woman`s house while you are single- not a problem...but now your circumstances have changed slightly so think about it "

 

how does that sound?

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When I suggested going with him, I did not think of going to see her-unless she would like to. I was thinking to spend time in town while he is with her and than we could have evening together. Sort of two in one. He never mentioned introducing me to her or any other friends as of yet. I don't want to impose.

 

I think is quite reasonable. You can go and do your own thing during the day, and still have a night together.

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Apparently they don't have a history together - she used to work with him -years ago.

Me going with him would be lovely but he didn't seem too excited when I mentioned that ...he said "its not a bad idea" . If he wont mentioned this today -during our conversation- I don't think I should impose this idea.

I am a mess ...cant focus at work :(

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How did you meet? Why is it that you have not met any of each other's friends/family? Unfortunately you are using a lot of hints and tests which are quite transparent that you do not like this idea and do not trust him. For example your "test" is "if he introduces me or invites me, he's not hiding something"

 

This idea that you tag along screams "I don't trust you" so he would be a fool not to realize that. So are the ingratiating remarks about "you should go see her blah blah", when it fact it annoys you. You are not being clear nor honest with yourself. You are attempting to subtly manipulate the situation with roundabout wording.

 

He does not need your permission to go. Nor does he need lectures on what it means to not be single. You are in fact policing him but attempting to obscure it with psychobabble.

 

Where is all the anxiety coming from? Where you cheated on in the past? Do you perceive him to be a ladies man? Or do you think there are other people/reasons he is going there for?

I also have a feeling he will "forget "I mentioned going together.

 

I guess, I will say " I admire the fact that you care about your friend. You should certainly go and check on her. However, I will feel really uncomfortable knowing that you will stay there overnight. Being in another woman`s house while you are single- not a problem...but now your circumstances have changed slightly so think about it "

how does that sound?

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Wiseman, always appreciate your comments that I see on here.

Yes, I don't like the idea one bit but that is my issue and I cannot tell him that.

I don't like the fact that he wants to stay overnight - this is for me wrong on every level.

I don't trust him yet as I don't have enough data that I can. We getting to know one another. Yes, I was cheated on in a past. Yes, he was called as ladies man by our work colleague ( we met at work ). Yes, he is very charming, loves to flirt but I deeply hope that he wouldn't go further in such nasty , open way.

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Sadly no matter how you word things, whether he goes or not or you tag along or nor etc will not resolve the enormous trust issues. There will other situations and whatever the case you won't trust him because you were cheated on before and you perceive him to be the office romeo/flirt. What if he goes out for the night or he does not call etc? You will be suspicious of him..

I don't like the fact that he wants to stay overnight - this is for me wrong on every level.

I don't trust him yet as I don't have enough data that I can.

I was cheated on in a past.

he was called as ladies man by our work colleague ( we met at work ). Yes, he is very charming, loves to flirt.

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MissCanuck, so far, so good. He is a great boyfriend. The wonderful combination of a manly man and someone who knows women very well. Affectionate, attentive and simply a great friend too.

He did not say he loves me - neither do I. However things are good and I do love him.

Frankly speaking, I never dated anyone who had female friends that he would visit. This is new to me. Yes, I have male friends but if we meet (if at all as mainly it will be telephone contact)- it will be for lunch, dinner but not in their house and not if I am with someone.

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Wiseman, he does go out and I gave him all space in the world. He meets with friends etc it is not as bad. I don't feel comfortable him spending night in another woman`s house. It is intimate and just not appropriate in my book

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Wiseman, he does go out and I gave him all space in the world. He meets with friends etc it is not as bad. I don't feel comfortable him spending night in another woman`s house. It is intimate and just not appropriate in my book

 

Why is it intimate ?

Where are you assuming he sleeps?

Are you not assuming that he sleeps in a spare room with a single bed with her cat?

What IS going through your head that you THINK is intimate?

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MissCanuck, so far, so good. He is a great boyfriend. The wonderful combination of a manly man and someone who knows women very well. Affectionate, attentive and simply a great friend too.

He did not say he loves me - neither do I. However things are good and I do love him.

Frankly speaking, I never dated anyone who had female friends that he would visit. This is new to me. Yes, I have male friends but if we meet (if at all as mainly it will be telephone contact)- it will be for lunch, dinner but not in their house and not if I am with someone.

 

And if one of your male colleagues you might meet for lunch moves 2.5 hrs away?

End of friendship? Or an expensive friendship as in you stay at a hotel overnight just to have lunch? Or you do a 5 hr round trip to have lunch? Or you stay in his spare room and have a decent catch up?

What would you do??

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Wiseman, always appreciate your comments that I see on here.

Yes, I don't like the idea one bit but that is my issue and I cannot tell him that.

I don't like the fact that he wants to stay overnight - this is for me wrong on every level.

I don't trust him yet as I don't have enough data that I can. We getting to know one another. Yes, I was cheated on in a past. Yes, he was called as ladies man by our work colleague ( we met at work ). Yes, he is very charming, loves to flirt but I deeply hope that he wouldn't go further in such nasty , open way.

 

Why have you decided it’s wrong on EVERY level?

You don’t know their level of friendship.

 

Yes you are only getting to know each other. And he certainly is getting to know that you don’t trust him. It might be a dealbreaker for him. It’s up to you to decide what’s a dealbreaker for YOU?

 

We can’t tell you what to do. We only hear your side of the story.

 

Yes of course he could be lieing and pretending she is not a fwb and is not actually recovering from an illness but it’s up to YOU , your trust and your boundaries.

 

You clearly believe he is going there to sleep with her. So go with that if you want. And break up with him.

If you tell him it’s cool to go , you still don’t trust him.

 

My advice is to say go see your friend, tell him you aren’t comfortable with him staying there, let him do what he will.

And see what happens after that?

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Wiseman, always appreciate your comments that I see on here.

Yes, I don't like the idea one bit but that is my issue and I cannot tell him that.

I don't like the fact that he wants to stay overnight - this is for me wrong on every level.

I don't trust him yet as I don't have enough data that I can. We getting to know one another. Yes, I was cheated on in a past. Yes, he was called as ladies man by our work colleague ( we met at work ). Yes, he is very charming, loves to flirt but I deeply hope that he wouldn't go further in such nasty , open way.

 

You absolutely can tell him that you don't like it. You have to be honest in a relationship and not bottle everything up. Doing that will make things worse. You have every right to tell him that you are not comfortable with him visiting another woman. It's a very reasonable thing to feel and its most definitely not wrong. You say you dont trust him, so my question to you is why be in a relationship with no trust?

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I actually don’t think this has anything to do with trust.

 

Based on your responses here OP, it sounds like you just don’t like the intimacy of an overnight stay between your boyfriend and another woman. It doesn’t seem like you’re worried about him cheating, you just don’t want your boyfriend being in that situation, right? Which I find totally reasonable, I wouldn’t like it either.

 

I do believe you need to be honest about where you stand on the matter. If overnighters are not something you want to allow room for in your relationship, you are well within your rights to say so. I think the way you worded it would be fine. Just make it clear that your issue isn’t that you think he would cheat, but just that, to you, overnight stays in and of themselmselves are inappropriate. Saying nothing will land you in a relationship where you’re forcing yourself to deal with situations that make you uncomfortable, leaving you insecure, possibly resentful.

 

Speak your needs and boundaries. If he’s as good of a man as you say he is, he will respect them.

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I think if you've only been dating 5 months that it's too early to be telling him what to do and what you don't think he should be doing.

 

I am trying to see it from his point of view and if this woman really is just a friend that he's worried about, then you really would be a thorn in his side with making it an ugly situation.

 

If you think he's capable of sleeping around and cheating, why are you even with him?

 

I think the fact that people have called him a "ladies man "has worried you and no doubt you have a right to be. That's not a name given out without good reason.

 

I think what it comes down to is, he very well could be that type of man or he might just be seeing a friend. But you are dating someone that there is a slightly higher risk that he is a cheater, etc due to his past and you can't change that in him.

 

You are basically going to have to sit yourself down and decide if you can handle the fact that he could potentially mess about on you one day and if you can trust him and not worry about it when situations like this come up, or if you can't or don't want to deal with it.

 

But truth be told, you can't police him and he should be able to come and go as he pleases.

Cause if he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat. You stopping him this time won't change that.

 

Maybe you should re-evaluate if you want to be with someone like him and if you are truly willing to risk it or not.

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I think if you've only been dating 5 months that it's too early to be telling him what to do and what you don't think he should be doing.

 

I am trying to see it from his point of view and if this woman really is just a friend that he's worried about, then you really would be a thorn in his side with making it an ugly situation.

 

If you think he's capable of sleeping around and cheating, why are you even with him?

 

I think the fact that people have called him a "ladies man "has worried you and no doubt you have a right to be. That's not a name given out without good reason.

 

I think what it comes down to is, he very well could be that type of man or he might just be seeing a friend. But you are dating someone that there is a slightly higher risk that he is a cheater, etc due to his past and you can't change that in him.

 

You are basically going to have to sit yourself down and decide if you can handle the fact that he could potentially mess about on you one day and if you can trust him and not worry about it when situations like this come up, or if you can't or don't want to deal with it.

 

But truth be told, you can't police him and he should be able to come and go as he pleases.

Cause if he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat. You stopping him this time won't change that.

 

Maybe you should re-evaluate if you want to be with someone like him and if you are truly willing to risk it or not.

 

What in the world??

 

-you can’t tell him what to do.

-you should be worried about him cheating on you.

-decide for yourself if you want to risk it??

 

Why not try some simple communication? Give the guy a chance to consider your feelings instead of just deciding to stay or go based on...what?? Other people saying he’s a ladies man?? Good lord, if you can’t tell the guy how you feel, why even be in a relationship?

 

It’s never too early to communicate your boundaries. Saying you aren’t okay with your boyfriends spending the night with ladies is not the same as saying “no, you can’t go because I said so.”

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It's true, she can't be policing another person.

 

If she doesn't trust him then she needs to ask herself if it's even worth it to continue..after all, it's only 5 months in.

 

She has heard that he's a ladies man, that's not a great nickname.

 

But telling him to not sleep at his friends won't stop him from cheating if that's who he is.

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