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Would like several opinions regarding my issue.


vettech
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Im 40 yrs old, been with my fiance for about 8yrs now. He has 9yr boy that his mom has only allowed him to meet and visit with in this past year. She never did give reason from keeping him from his dad. He always paid child support. And stayed in touch with her. The boy was allowed to stay with us this past summer. (Mom and child out of state.) He had bad behavior issues and ADHD. When it was time for him to go home it only lasted 1 week and his mom called saying for us to come get him, cause she cant handle behavior anymore. So he now in school here and living with us. She gave my fiance temporary emergency custody so we can enroll him in school, go to docors,etc.. my fiance finally convinced his mom to move back here where we all live. (Our state is also her original birthplace where everyone lives.) But his boy was born in the other state. But now the mom is saying she wants the child back and wants to move back "home" she practically just got here. Now my fiance is planning to get legal advice to see his options if there any. Now with the legalaties aside, in the event she continues ahead with this move and he cant stop it, he is contomplaining moving there as well cause he wants to be near his boy. So my question is this; What should i do about this r.ship? The thought of him devastates me, been together 8yrs, built a life together. Im not in position to move out of state, and im very close to my mom who is gonna need me more as times go on. He doesnt even want to move there,but feels stuck. The reason this woman wants to move is that the boys grandmother(which is her mom) says she wants to go after her for grandparent visitation. I guess she says her mom is manipulative,etcc. She told us that the boy is NOT allowed to see her so we have to respect that

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Firstly, I'd never get involved with someone who had a child if I weren't willing to accept the reality that someday, whether tomorrow or 8 years from now, they'd take the opportunity to relocate closer to that child to be a regular part of their lives. In fact, I'd be banking on it. I don't know the guy's reality well enough to judge him for these first 8 years being away from the child, but he seems to have his head and heart in the right place now.

 

As far as custody and his standing in denying the grandparents visitation, these are all matters he needs to explore in detail with his attorney. States differ, especially with regard to how "reasonable" you have to be in your denying grandparents access to their grandchildren. Some are quite surprising.

 

It's generally far and away in the best interests of the child for both mom and dad to be around, so hopefully that can prove a logistically feasible reality, whether here or there. What isn't in a kid's interest is being treated like a hot potato because of his ADHD. Hopefully your partner and his ex can formally settle on a beneficial and stable arrangement for the kid.

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I think you have to make peace with whatever comes and ground yourself a bit better in terms of your own commitments. You don't have to move anywhere you don't want to and you do have to feel comfortable and confident to make your choices independent of your partner. This is largely a personal choice and there is no right or wrong for you.

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I think you need to prepare yourself for a big change in your relationship. Almost all the time you have been with your boyfriend he has not seen his son or had access to him. Now, for the past year the child has been in your lives, did your relationship change during that time?

 

How long have you been engaged for? Have you two talked about having more kids?

 

I am a parent, so in my opinion nothing should come between the relationship between children and their parents. If I was in your situation I would probably let him figure out this on his own, I would be there for moral support but I would never make him choose between his kid and me. If I was unable to make a big move out of state, then hard choices would need to be made.

 

Wish you luck OP

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I'm wondering why he has been your fiance for 8 years. That sounds more like a title than an actual promise of marriage.

 

But why on earth did he not settle these custody issues when they got divorced? A mother cannot arbitrarily decide to withhold visitation from a parent. So the first thing he needs to do is to see a lawyer and get visitation issues settled.

 

I also wonder how committed he is to you. You obviously were willing to help him deal with a child who had disciplinary problems. Has he asked you how you feel about moving? Would he move if you said you can't move?

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Firstly, I'd never get involved with someone who had a child if I weren't willing to accept the reality that someday, whether tomorrow or 8 years from now, they'd take the opportunity to relocate closer to that child to be a regular part of their lives. In fact, I'd be banking on it.

 

Yep. All you can do is mentally prepare yourself for the reality and decide whether or not you want to move with him... if he wants you to that is.

 

There is one thing to consider in all of this... don't move just to make him happy if it's something that would ultimately make you unhappy. Assess all of the possibilities and options that come with such a decision. Moving for him without any forethought would do nothing except make life miserable for him, for you, and for the child involved. There is no right or wrong answer here except that you must follow your heart.

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Firstly, I'd never get involved with someone who had a child if I weren't willing to accept the reality that someday, whether tomorrow or 8 years from now, they'd take the opportunity to relocate closer to that child to be a regular part of their lives. In fact, I'd be banking on it. I don't know the guy's reality well enough to judge him for these first 8 years being away from the child, but he seems to have his head and heart in the right place now.

 

As far as custody and his standing in denying the grandparents visitation, these are all matters he needs to explore in detail with his attorney. States differ, especially with regard to how "reasonable" you have to be in your denying grandparents access to their grandchildren. Some are quite surprising.

 

It's generally far and away in the best interests of the child for both mom and dad to be around, so hopefully that can prove a logistically feasible reality, whether here or there. What isn't in a kid's interest is being treated like a hot potato because of his ADHD. Hopefully your partner and his ex can formally settle on a beneficial and stable arrangement for the kid.

 

To me if a guy I just met tells me "I have a son that lives out of state and I dont have contact with him because the mom wont let me" I run and bolt. Major red flag for me. You are not in your kids life for whatever reason. I'm not interested

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I agree with Ray. She's reading exactly what the OP posted which is all we can take these scribblings (including our own) for, right? (See the OP's first line in the first post indicating the mother for whatever reason only allowed him to see the boy in the past year). Is the situation weird and would it raise my red flags or suspicions? Yes, probably. But deviating from what the OP's been quite clear about, doesn't make sense and seems like we're grasping at straws.

 

I wouldn't speculate past that or read too much into it unless the OP wants to volunteer more information. I still believe it's up to her to decide whether it's the end of the relationship or not. There's not much else to go by in the initial post. Sorry, dear. I hope you gain the peace and conviction required to make this decision eventually. There's nothing worse than living in limbo.

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Thank you for your reply. Yes its complicated situation, i wasnt aware of this child early in r.ship.,just his other kid from another state where his kids mom is playing games. He does love his boy more then anything. His mom likes to play games as well, and dragging him away to Iowa, (we live in Ohio btw) would be terrible idea for the childs well being and security, it is believed by all those involved that her reasons for wanting this is solely for selfish reasons. All the boys family and support system are here. My fiance tries to communicate with her about issues regarding child but she acts elusive, just says "he just needs his meds" while fiance pushing for child to have counseling as well. She never calls, boy always asking to call mom. She sees him every other weekend, im doing ALL the mom stuff. My fiance believes that him moving to wherever she goes will give her upper hand and ability to control,esp if its results in him losing me and having to move somewhere he knows will be detrimental to his profession/happiness. He is ticked by all this. Hopefully we can find legal help

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Thank you for your reply. Yes its complicated situation, i wasnt aware of this child early in r.ship.,just his other kid from another state where his kids mom is playing games. He does love his boy more then anything. His mom likes to play games as well, and dragging him away to Iowa, (we live in Ohio btw) would be terrible idea for the childs well being and security, it is believed by all those involved that her reasons for wanting this is solely for selfish reasons. All the boys family and support system are here. My fiance tries to communicate with her about issues regarding child but she acts elusive, just says "he just needs his meds" while fiance pushing for child to have counseling as well. She never calls, boy always asking to call mom. She sees him every other weekend, im doing ALL the mom stuff. My fiance believes that him moving to wherever she goes will give her upper hand and ability to control,esp if its results in him losing me and having to move somewhere he knows will be detrimental to his profession/happiness. He is ticked by all this. Hopefully we can find legal help

 

Breathe. All things come to pass. Some things take longer. This will resolve itself! Your job isn't to constantly take on that emotional baggage and carry it. I'm not sure why you weren't aware of the child early on but I think that's besides the point (maybe he cheated, maybe you both were off and on in your relationship and so were they, maybe he/the father himself didn't know about the child - so what). The point is you are at this place now. Take a breather. I know you give a lot but you will have to back off and take care of yourself too.

 

I really don't think you deserve to be in the midst of this but it seems like a choice you've been comfortable with for awhile. Yes, seek the legal help you need as a family but be prepared that this might not have been what you signed up for and it may be just the start of something you don't want to see to the end. That is perfectly ok and you are absolutely entitled to walking away if that's what you decide. Make peace.

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I cant recall the specifics of the case but i remember the lawyer saying my fiance needs to file for visition. She left his name off birth certificate as well. Couldnt even afford the lawyer. I have alot friends/family here in ohio that have complained about the laws regarding fathers rights here in ohio

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Thank you for your reply, my fiance and i have benn enganged for about 1 year now. Our r.ship is very solid. My fiance and childs mom were never married. They both left ohio together cause she told him her brother has a job for him in iowa, when they got there it was a lie, no job opprtunities at all. Middle of rural nowhere. His childs mom dumped him while she was pregnant. He had no one in iowa to help him, so he was stuck in a state with nowhere to stay, no money,etc.. so he came back home to ohio. He tried fighting to be therecwhen baby was born but she refused,she also refused to put his name on birth certificate. He asked lawyers about his options, i even asked the lawyers i knew for advice, they say he needed lawyer to fight for visitation, but couldnt afford it. Ohio doesnt give fathers automatic rights if child was born out of wedlock. Even if child support is in place! I have here an open window, a legal website explaining these rights in ohio. I can post the link here once i fugured out how to attach the file

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