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Unable to commit? Maybe its still to soon?


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Hey peeps,

 

Hope everyone is well here, so i have been chatting to a few girls, going to pubs with friends, gyming 5 days a week which is going good but I still cant connect with female wherever I go :-(

 

Man, women are always complimenting me on how good looking I am, how dedicated I am to keeping a healthy lifestyle, some even wanted a serious relationship lol but here's the thing, as soon as a woman gets close to me I pull away and shut myself off from her, and I had a few they could have me so happy, the one I really liked, who knows my back story, now has bf :-( we still friends but damn could have been more :-(

 

So yeah besides counseling, is there any other way i can open up? Life is too short to cry over spilled milk so I want to make the best of it.

 

Thank you ladies and gentlemen :-)

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2 years ago my ex wife had an affair, few months later she fell pregnant, divorced me 2 months later and decided to start a life with her affair partner, not going into detail over this...

 

Think im pulling away because I'm afraid to get hurt :-( I know there is no timeline to heal but I'm just a little frustrated that I'm missing out on life...

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Having read some of your previous posts, it is clear this was a very painful split for you. Understandably so.

 

Have you tried counseling to help you untangle your emotions and get back to a more confident place? It sounds like you're doing what you can to improve your life, but the damage from the betrayal is still quite significant. A good professional should be able to help you navigate that.

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hey Miss Canuck, you are spot on, the betrayal still haunts me to this day :-( sometimes I feel its unfair how happy she is while I got tossed aside like an old newspaper but I also need to stop the victim mentality and toss those thoughts aside,

 

I have been to therapy, it was good but I feel this is a battle I have to fight....

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After seeing the posts you have submitted over the past several months i can see that her betrayal cut pretty deep and you are still unable to let it go so it's hindering your ability to move on. I would say continue with therapy as it seems to be only thing helping.

Edited by RayofLighten
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Try reading some books and articles on getting rid of emotional baggage. You shouldn't date until that happens, because a new woman shouldn't pay the price for a crime your ex committed. You need to realize there are no guarantees in life. Get to the mindset that you only have control of 2 things. 1. Be the best bf you can be, putting in the effort it takes to be a good partner. 2. Choose a partner who lacks red flags and who you see is a good risk for your heart.

 

And then just hope for the best, but if it falls apart, you will have made sure you've kept a good support system of friends and family and a full life besides having a gf, so you will survive and move on.

 

As for the friend, you might want to let that friendship fade away as you're pouring energy into a person who is taken, and is she really that ethical if she's continuing to communicate with a guy who has a crush on her when she has a bf?

 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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You seem a bit superficial. Just being real here. You go to the pub and the gym a lot, it seems. How do you expect to meet quality 'females'?

 

Look at your other interests and see if you can come up with something better. Dating: you only get out of it what you put into it so start having a look more closely at your interests and goals.

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Hey Bigboss, can you explain how you feel when a woman starts to get too close? Causing you to pull away?

 

Do you feel anxiety? Panic, fear re what comes next, that she will start having expectations that you can't or don't want to meet?

 

Do you feel suffocated? Turned off?

 

All or most of us have been hurt badly, and we're all afraid of getting hurt, but we all don't need to pull away or break up when our partner becomes close.

 

We conquer those fears and embrace the closeness, it's a wonderful feeling being close, sharing our lives, but something is scaring you over and above the fear of getting hurt, something deeper imo.

 

Did you ever feel this way in your previous long term committed relationships?

 

ETA: I don't think you sound superficial. If you appear that way to some, it's to cover up some very deep issues you are struggling with re relationships and commitment.

 

Again, jmo, what I'm sensing from your posts.

Edited by katrina1980
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Hey again, just curious, but did you allow your ex-wife to get close?

 

May seem like an odd question but some folks/couples perfer to maintain a certain distance (emotional and sometimes physical) in their relationships/marriages and it works for them cause it's mutual.

 

These girls you describe now want to get close, too close, which scares you, do you think if you met a woman who likes to maintain a certain distance, you would feel more comfortable having a relationship with her?

 

Apologies for getting heavy, I'm just like that -- I like to dig deep. Lol :D

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After seeing the posts you have submitted over the past several months i can see that her betrayal cut pretty deep and you are still unable to let it go so it's hindering your ability to move on. I would say continue with therapy as it seems to be only thing helping.

 

Bingo.

 

You aren’t there yet but you to be so you’re attenpring to become this person putting up a facade, giving this impression:

 

You seem a bit superficial. Just being real here. You go to the pub and the gym a lot, it seems. How do you expect to meet quality 'females'?

 

Look at your other interests and see if you can come up with something better. Dating: you only get out of it what you put into it so start having a look more closely at your interests and goals.

 

Certainly not a genuine person. Which is the opposite of what you’d need people focused on your looks ba your heart and mind and soul will hurt you, because your relationship has no true foundation.

 

hey Miss Canuck, you are spot on, the betrayal still haunts me to this day :-( sometimes I feel its unfair how happy she is while I got tossed aside like an old newspaper but I also need to stop the victim mentality and toss those thoughts aside,

 

I have been to therapy, it was good but I feel this is a battle I have to fight....

 

This type of battle would be like attempting to fight a virus with orange juice. Trying to work through this by dating is like having a cold and going outside wet and without a jacket on.

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  • 1 month later...

I’m the same... I’ve met some great women, some have the qualities I seek - everything my ex wasn’t... loyalty being one of the biggest things I’m looking for now....

 

Yet after a few weeks/months... I bail

 

They don’t knock my socks off... I feel shallow and hate myself for it. I want to be happy.

 

All I think of constantly is my ex and what she’s doing. I don’t have enough going on in my life but I think I have depression. I work from home, my friends are never around... zero social life... and I have no real interests or anything I want to accomplish which may help me meet new people

 

I’m in a serious rut and don’t know how to get out of it. I sit at home all day everyday. All I do to which doesn’t help is sit on tinder etc it’s so unhealthy

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Some great advice in this thread and I'm not 100% either after around 16 months from the dissolving of my marriage which was extremely traumatic for me...

 

So push on Brother. That's all we can do....

 

I did pick up on this though...>>

I know there is no timeline to heal but I'm just a little frustrated that I'm missing out on life...

Is 'life' in it's entirety all about finding your soulmate, getting married, having 2.5 kids and building a white picket fence....?

 

Life is all around you and you're living it my friend....What exactly is it you're 'missing out' on....?

 

Regards

 

Carus*

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