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Boyfriend acting disrespectful when drunk


Ziggy123
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Hi there

 

Just wondering if anyone has experience on how to deal with a partner who sometimes drinks too much and acts disrespectful. Some things that he does is act flirty with other girls in front of me, say hurtful things to me (like telling me to shut the f up) or slamming door on my face when I was just trying to help. He doesnt think he has a problem, and he doesnt always drink, but when he does he gets blackout drunk to the point where he doesnt remember what happened the night before. I have talked to him about how it hurts me several times, but he is continuing to act in the same way and doesnt see how it is hurting me. I love him so much and want this to work out between us. I offered for us to go to counseling together for a session but he said no.

 

Thank you kindly

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Inappropriate. The most you can do is speak with your actions. Tell him he behaves deplorably when he's drunk, he probably needs some AA help and walk away from this relationship. You do not deserve to be treated this way. If you stay, you're simply saying his behaviour is ok with you.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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I offered for us to go to counseling together for a session but he said no.

 

From my seat that sounds like "strike 1" for him.

How many chances are you going to give him for before things get worse.

I for one would offer one or two more chances, then it would be ultimatum. "You get help....or I am out"

 

It's unlikely his drinking is going to get better, it may get worse. Something to think about...especially when he swears and slams doors. Do you really want his abuse to escalate?

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He's got a drinking problem whether he sees it or not. Do you really want a life like that? Drunks make lousy partners and surely you dont want a life time of this kind of crap. I'd leave him if he wont go to AA. He needs help, but only he can make that happen. Unless and until he hits rock bottom he wont change.

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People who abuse alcohol/narcotics should be dealbreakers to anyone who values themselves. Even if he doesn't drink every day, it happens regularly enough for you to be taking the time to ask others for advice. Love is irrelevant when a dealbreaker is present. Tell him you're not willing to live your life with someone who drinks to excess and end the relationship.

 

A person won't stop drinking until he comes to that decision on his own and not to appease others, and if he takes that route after you leave, it's best he stay alone for at least a good year before attempting being in a relationship again. Leave him to do what he will and one day you might hear from him that he's achieved years of sobriety and will be a better partner, but don't hold onto that hope. Just think of it as a pleasant surprise if it happens, but you might have moved on by then. Be strong and do what's best for yourself.

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People who abuse alcohol/narcotics should be dealbreakers to anyone who values themselves. Even if he doesn't drink every day, it happens regularly enough for you to be taking the time to ask others for advice. Love is irrelevant when a dealbreaker is present. Tell him you're not willing to live your life with someone who drinks to excess and end the relationship.

 

A person won't stop drinking until he comes to that decision on his own and not to appease others, and if he takes that route after you leave, it's best he stay alone for at least a good year before attempting being in a relationship again. Leave him to do what he will and one day you might hear from him that he's achieved years of sobriety and will be a better partner, but don't hold onto that hope. Just think of it as a pleasant surprise if it happens, but you might have moved on by then. Be strong and do what's best for yourself.

 

Well said. 100%.

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Hi there

 

Just wondering if anyone has experience on how to deal with a partner who sometimes drinks too much and acts disrespectful. Some things that he does is act flirty with other girls in front of me, say hurtful things to me (like telling me to shut the f up) or slamming door on my face when I was just trying to help. He doesnt think he has a problem, and he doesnt always drink, but when he does he gets blackout drunk to the point where he doesnt remember what happened the night before. I have talked to him about how it hurts me several times, but he is continuing to act in the same way and doesnt see how it is hurting me. I love him so much and want this to work out between us. I offered for us to go to counseling together for a session but he said no.

 

Thank you kindly

 

He not only said no to counseling, he said no to stop drinking, he said no to your relationship, he said no to stop his abusiveness, he said no to stop degrading you from flirting with other women in front of you, he says no to caring about you and how you feel. Give yourself a tough think......he is not BF material, and YOU cannot fix this. The only way you will find happiness, is to breakup with him. Your love is misplaced...he doesn't deserve it.

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he is continuing to act in the same way and doesnt see how it is hurting me. I love him so much and want this to work out between us. I offered for us to go to counseling together for a session but he said no.

Thank you kindly

 

He sees it's hurting you... he may not want to hurt you, but he definitely knows he is and is choosing not to do anything about it. Addiction is powerful and progressive and this will continue to get worse. You can't love him through this or fix it for him... he needs to want to change for himself and the only way he will do this is when he eventually realizes no one is willing to put up with his $hitty behavior anymore.

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He's abusive. You need to acknowledge that he has 2 problems. He drinks too much and he's verbally abusive. How to respond? Leave. Leaving the relationship is best but if you aren't ready for that simply get up and leave, hang up whatever but do not engage abuse or drunks.

 

Keep in mind, you won't fix or change him. Stop. Stop offering to go to therapy, "help him" etc. He doesn't want to change. All you can change is the mistake of being with someone like that. Stop talking to him about how it hurts you. He doesn't care.

 

He loves booze, not you. Educate yourself on abuse as well as binge drinkers, watch this video from the CDC.:

Some things that he does is act flirty with other girls in front of me, say hurtful things to me (like telling me to shut the f up) or slamming door on my face when I was just trying to help. I have talked to him about how it hurts me several times, but he is continuing to act in the same way and doesnt see how it is hurting me.

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The drinking and his behavior are his relief valve. There’s clearly an issue there.

 

You want this to work out, but he doesn’t. Had he wanted to, he would have accepted your offer for the session.

 

There is an issue he doesn’t want to recognize and solve.

 

Or so I think.

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Thanks everyone for your replies. I should add that my boyfriend is super sweet and loving when sober. That is why I love him and am with him. He does love me, but i think he doesnt understand or realize why his actions hurt me. He thinks I am overreacting and everyone acts stupid when they are drunk. A lot of our conversations the day after parties are me being angry and him apologizing. I just want to break this cycle so we can both be happy and our relationship an be stronger. I am going to try talking to him again tonight about it and I hope he might be more open to a discussion.

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Thanks everyone for your replies. I should add that my boyfriend is super sweet and loving when sober. That is why I love him and am with him. He does love me, but i think he doesnt understand or realize why his actions hurt me. He thinks I am overreacting and everyone acts stupid when they are drunk. A lot of our conversations the day after parties are me being angry and him apologizing. I just want to break this cycle so we can both be happy and our relationship an be stronger. I am going to try talking to him again tonight about it and I hope he might be more open to a discussion.

 

Sorry, but I have to say it.

This comment is what every abused victim says, "but he loves me".

 

The only thing that would convince me to stay with this guy if I were in your shoes were if he said. "I do have a drinking problem, and I love you so much and will go to AA to resolve this problem so we can move on"

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As sad as it is, I think drinking is very normalized in our social group. I am in my 20s and it seems that everyone we are friends with drinks heavily. I know my boyfriend would not want to miss out on parties and other social events because of that. And I'm not asking him to stop drinking. I just would like him to control his drinking better so he can stay in control of his actions. He is a good person but when he binge drinks he acts like a different person sometimes.

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You are starting to backpedal and minimize how much this is hurting you, OP.

 

It is a big problem. He does realize it hurts you. Unless he is deaf, he is hearing what you're saying the days after these drunken episodes. Obviously he realizes it's damaging your relationship, or he wouldn't be trying to placate you with apologies. And yet, he refuses to take any steps to actually change it.

 

It could be because he is in denial about the severity of the problem, or it could be that he's not as invested in this relationship in general and doesn't want to spend time and money trying to fix it with the help of a counselor.

 

Neither is good.

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As sad as it is, I think drinking is very normalized in our social group. I am in my 20s and it seems that everyone we are friends with drinks heavily. I know my boyfriend would not want to miss out on parties and other social events because of that. And I'm not asking him to stop drinking. I just would like him to control his drinking better so he can stay in control of his actions. He is a good person but when he binge drinks he acts like a different person sometimes.

 

I know at least 3 people who are now sober, and basically they had to stop hanging out with the same friends who continue to value drinking/narcotics as their main social activity. When you change in a major way, you have to make major life changes as well, and even if it means moving away from friends to save yourself, that's what you have to do.

 

Cheaters, liars, abusers of every form, throw your accusatory words back at you and make you think you're the one with the problem, i.e. his statement that you're overreacting. And most people who have dealbreaker flaws can also be lovely at times. You need to understand that with dealbreaker issues, the bad always needs to outweigh the good and as much as it hurts to end a relationship, it's more hurtful to stay with someone who has a drinking problem.

 

Attend an al-anon meeting to get more insight. It's a group for people who love alcoholics.

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There are people who drink heavily and although they become uninhibited and drunk, do not have a fundamental personality change.

 

Going from a sweet, kind, respectful guy when sober to the kind of abusive **** you describe is indicative of a much deeper problem, along with the minimising of the problem, apologies and recriminations... only to do exactly the same thing next time he goes out drinking.

 

He isn't going to change unless he decides to do so for himself, and you can be pretty sure he won't do that in the face of pressure from you. Even if it's meant very kindly. I used to attend Alanon meetings - largely because of family issues rather than partners - and a recurring theme from newcomers was that their spouses were lovely people, and that everything would be fine if only s/he'd stop drinking. I think this may sound familiar to you....

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As sad as it is, I think drinking is very normalized in our social group. I am in my 20s and it seems that everyone we are friends with drinks heavily. I know my boyfriend would not want to miss out on parties and other social events because of that. And I'm not asking him to stop drinking. I just would like him to control his drinking better so he can stay in control of his actions. He is a good person but when he binge drinks he acts like a different person sometimes.

 

Please attend an Al-Anon meeting so you can better understand what you are dealing with... you are doing him no favours by enabling him and making excuses for his behaviour.

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Don't deal. Either he goes or you go. Get out. He sounds like an alcoholic. He doesn't have to drink everyday to be an alcoholic. He's disrespectful to you whether he's drunk or sober. Do yourself a favor and dissolve the relationship. Choose a man who will treat you with respect, dignity and integrity.

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Thanks everyone for your replies. I should add that my boyfriend is super sweet and loving when sober. That is why I love him and am with him. He does love me, but i think he doesnt understand or realize why his actions hurt me. He thinks I am overreacting and everyone acts stupid when they are drunk. A lot of our conversations the day after parties are me being angry and him apologizing. I just want to break this cycle so we can both be happy and our relationship an be stronger. I am going to try talking to him again tonight about it and I hope he might be more open to a discussion.

 

Now you're defending him. If he's not willing to cut down his drinking then there is no hope of breaking this cycle. Like i said, he may even start getting violent.

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Now you're defending him. If he's not willing to cut down his drinking then there is no hope of breaking this cycle.

 

This ^^^. You can't change him. Nobody can change another person; the world would be a very different place if you could. All you can do is look at your own part in this; here's a questionnaire which might help you decide if you need Alanon: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/3328-al-anon-self-test.html

 

And even if you decide it's not for you, take a look at some of the threads on the forum as an indication of what to expect if you stay with this guy long term.

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All abused people say this. "But, but, but...he's sweet when he's not..." And unenlightened partners of alcoholics also believe that if they just talk and try to fix and understand their partners they will quit drinking.

 

He is not a moron, he understands very well that it hurts you, he doesn't care. You are talking to a wall. He loves booze, not you. You can not "break the cycle" by being a doormat, acting hurt, talking and more talking, suggesting therapy, etc. He is the only one who can "break the cycle" of verbal/emotional abuse and alcohol misuse... but...

 

He does NOT want to because your feelings Do Not Matter. You stay and stay and tolerate and tolerate...so why should he change or respect you?

I should add that my boyfriend is super sweet and loving when sober.

 

i think he doesnt understand or realize why his actions hurt me.

A lot of our conversations the day after parties are me being angry and him apologizing. I just want to break this cycle so we can both be happy.

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