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My bf broke up with me over this...


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I used to have a trainer at the gym I go to. He trained me and two other young girls together. Trainer is 50 married with kids, I’m 19, and my boyfriend is 25. Eventually I had to quit the training because it would cause TONS of fights with my boyfriend and I. Trainer was always respectful, and he even got along with him. But he was jealous and didn’t like it that it caused more attention towards me. So I quit for him. Fast forward every time I post a story on Instagram my trainer likes to comment on it. Whatever it is a quote, a picture of me or of what I’m eating he says things like “nice quads babygirl” or “wise words babygirl”. My bf goes through my phone sees this and gets very angry about it. He says next time he calls you “babygirl” you better tell him something. Fast forward he calls me that again through DM. I don’t respond I completely ignore. My bf goes through my phone later that night and sees it. My boyfriend claims I’m not trustworthy, and I don’t respect myself or him. So he breaks up with me for a day. We’re back together now but it’s not the same.... I feel like he gave up on me and didn’t bother fighting for me. I’ve lost the love I had because he took the easy way out.

 

Was it wrong of him to leave me?

 

Was it wrong of me not telling him my trainer kept calling me that through message?

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Relationships are optional. He can leave if he decides your taste in coffee mugs is a deal breaker. Any reason is a good reason.

 

But.

 

Getting called baby girl is over the line. Getting DMs calming you that is over the line.

 

ETA:

 

I HATE when women want men to “fight for them”

 

When did YOU fight for him?! You let another man give you inappropriate attention - where’s the fight from YOU for your relationship?

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Your boyfriend is controlling and shouldn't be going through your phone to control you or decide who you can or not train with, and your trainer is inappropriate with his "baby girl" remarks through private message. Your boyfriend seems too controlling though, and that's a red flag. I don't see a good future in this.

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What is it you want here? You seem to like the drama that comes with your boyfriend being a controlling d bag.

 

Look, young through your phone and getting mad that you had a personal trainer is controlling and awful. That alone is enough to break up.

 

But you seem to want to foster his jealousy in order to create some kind of fabricated white knight scenario but to what end?

 

I would walk away. There is nothing healthy about this relationship

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Ah, you had that post the other day.

 

Well yeah. I wouldn’t want to stay with a guy like this.

 

But I still hold you’re not entirely innocent here.

 

I’m not I should’ve been more honest and told him my trainer kept calling me that but I was avoiding the argument. I take blame on that part.

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Why are you allowing your bf to go through your phone? The bf is controlling. He should also not dictate who you get trained by.

 

Your trainer should not be calling you "Baby girl." It is not appropriate.

 

There are not boundaries with either of these people.

 

What else does your bf control?

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OK, first of all, I do actually think that your personal trainer is sleazy and creepy. He is definitely old enough to be your Dad AND he's married AND he knows you're in a relationship.

 

He should not even be really following you on social media in the first place because he should have some professional boundaries and not get so familiar with his clients. Especially as there's such a large age gap! Even if he was to pretend to be your friend, as if a 50-year-old would be hanging out with a 19-year-old! His own kids are probably your age or even older than you.

 

Calling you "babygirl" is too familiar and inappropriate and he is liking all your pictures and messaging you. I think that is not innocent, he is cracking on to you/flirting with you. I think in this case your boyfriend does have a right to be jealous. You need to have much better boundaries where you don't allow other guys to call you pet names and message you.

 

However, I think your boyfriend also does sound very controlling and like his jealousy is very over-the-top. Your behaviour was not good either but there are always going to be sleazy guys around flirting and I think he really needs to learn to control his temper better. Telling you to completely quit the gym and checking your phone is not OK. He should have had a conversation with you about it before breaking up. Although he already did let you know that he was not OK with your personal trainer (because he's sleazy let's be honest). But you continued to interact with the trainer on social media and that is disrespectful.

 

Do you actually like to get attention from a creepy man your Dad's age? What is the reason you continued talking to the trainer?

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You seriously need to grow a backbone and break up with your boyfriend. He is too controlling and based on your previous post, he also wants you to be his maid. You say you don't want to end up like your mother yet you are allowing people to treat you that way.

 

Your relationship is toxic and you contribute to that by playing along. Him going through your phone and monitoring your FB should be a deal breakers. It has signs of future domestic abuse all over it. So is him trying to condition you into becoming his maid. You are guilty for having no boundaries and enabling all that crap.

 

You are also guilty for not putting the sleazy 50 year old in his place for calling you babygirl in public and in private. When people are behaving inappropriately to you you need to ask them to stop and if they don't, you need to stop engaging them/ cut them out of your life. That's what boundaries are. Your passivity is going to get you in a lot of dysfunctional situations if you carry on being that way.

 

Break up with your d-bag boyfriend. Ask the 50 year old creep to stop calling you babygirl and stop talking to him+remove him fro FB if he keeps doing it. Stop being passive-aggressive. Stop allowing men to treat you like a subordinate/child in personal relationships whether it's romantic or friends. Stop enabling creeps. If you can't do it on your own, seek professional counseling.

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You seriously need to grow a backbone and break up with your boyfriend. He is too controlling and based on your previous post, he also wants you to be his maid. You say you don't want to end up like your mother yet you are allowing people to treat you that way.

 

Your relationship is toxic and you contribute to that by playing along. Him going through your phone and monitoring your FB should be a deal breakers. It has signs of future domestic abuse all over it. So is him trying to condition you into becoming his maid. You are guilty for having no boundaries and enabling all that crap.

 

You are also guilty for not putting the sleazy 50 year old in his place for calling you babygirl in public and in private. When people are behaving inappropriately to you you need to ask them to stop and if they don't, you need to stop engaging them/ cut them out of your life. That's what boundaries are. Your passivity is going to get you in a lot of dysfunctional situations if you carry on being that way.

 

Break up with your d-bag boyfriend. Ask the 50 year old creep to stop calling you babygirl and stop talking to him+remove him fro FB if he keeps doing it. Stop being passive-aggressive. Stop allowing men to treat you like a subordinate/child in personal relationships whether it's romantic or friends. Stop enabling creeps. If you can't do it on your own, seek professional counseling.

 

I’ve already talked to the trainer he apologized and says it won’t happen again. As far as my bf I’ve given it a second chance because I love him a lot. For me to be done with someone means they’ve disappointed me to the max and I’ve lost all hope. That hasn’t happened... but we both changed passcodes of our phones and we won’t be snooping anymore. I always try to put myself in his shoes when we argue but I will not allow him to make me feel subordinated again.

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You're young and inherently just learning about relationships and the world.

 

Your trainer was completely out of order here. The correct move would be to block him on social media and find a trainer who is professional and mature; this one isn't. He isn't respecting appropriate boundaries, and he knows you're too young to really see just how inappropriate he really is.

 

Your boyfriend ins't wrong to be upset that you are not doing a better job enforcing boundaries with this older weirdo, but his thread combined with your other one indicates that the power dynamic between you two is unhealthy and the relationship probably won't last. Again, you are likely going to find this out on your own time after giving him too many chances.

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I know people who talk like that. I think your trainer is just flirtatious and thinks he's being encouraging of his trainees (there's no teeth to his bite). I highly doubt he thinks anything of you beyond something like a child or daughter.

 

At the same time, he also doesn't seem to be very bright or cognizant of the fact that his dad-like over-enthusiasm may come across as inappropriate or ridiculously annoying by a younger generation. I both feel sorry for the trainer and you and your boyfriend, OP. What a silly mess.

 

Due to your overworked boyfriend, it's probably for the best that you change trainers. I think this has escalated to the point where this will continue to aggravate your boyfriend and it will be difficult to reverse the issues in trust for as long as this trainer is there. These are longstanding issues that were created and it won't disappear overnight. Let's be realistic here even though no one wants to admit it. Your boyfriend isn't going to miraculously think that the trainer stopped. His mind will keep going back to that time and I don't think it's quite fair to call this unreasonable. The damage has been done!

 

Grow up, move on, what's the point of a trainer anyway. Seems a bit senseless pouring money into someone else when you can just as well get the job done on your own with dedication and research. Surely you've been sufficiently trained now that you can manage working out on your own. Graduate to other sports or routines and move on.

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I feel sorry for the bf.

I don’t believe he is that controlling , I believe he feels disrespected.

And he was by his gf.

 

The trainer can call whoever he likes baby girl , who cares in this thread that he disrespects his wife by calling young girls that? He is not here so no point in discussing his issues.

 

 

The OP is very naive and has not placed boundaries which is all the bf has asked for.

He asked her to deal with it. He didn’t approach the trainer and nor should he, that WOULD be controlling.

He is simply asking her to respect him and their relationship.

 

The OP naively states that the trainer is 50 , married and has kids. And because of that thinks her bf shouldn’t worry.

He and all of us know that that doesn’t make him respectful or unwilling to cheat with a naive 19 yr old.

 

He is now not her trainer and the only connection is on social media.

Why is he still on there? There is no need.

 

OP sorry, but you need to get a bit wiser, understand how you allowing a creepy sleaze to continue to be so can affect how your bf feels.

 

Start by respecting yourself and then you can start respecting your bf.

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Unfortunately your bf is an abusive control freak. Never "put yourself in his shoes". You need to read up on abusive relationships and signs of controlling relationships. Educate your self on the red flags of teen dating violence. Google this right now.

 

In the meantime, tell trusted adult family, friends, teachers, coaches, etc about the abusive and controlling behaviors. Expose him. Jealousy is not cute nor a sign that he cares. It's about possessive and controlling behavior.

 

You need to end it asap and change all your account passwords as well as delete and block him from all messaging apps and social media. This is a lesson in controlling abusive guys so learn and leave now.

I’ve already talked to the trainer he apologized and says it won’t happen again. As far as my bf I’ve given it a second chance because I love him a lot. For me to be done with someone means they’ve disappointed me to the max and I’ve lost all hope. That hasn’t happened... but we both changed passcodes of our phones and we won’t be snooping anymore. I always try to put myself in his shoes when we argue but I will not allow him to make me feel subordinated again.
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Agree. This creep has already brainwashed you. Tell your parents what is going on. Do you come from an abusive or alcoholic home? How does any of this creep's behavior not raise red flags? Is there someone intelligent and objective you could confide in about all this? Make an appt with a therapist and discuss what's going on and discuss what healthy relationships look like.

This is the same creep that wants you to play the maid. Get rid of this idiot!
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I’m not I should’ve been more honest and told him my trainer kept calling me that but I was avoiding the argument. I take blame on that part.

 

No, you should've shut down the trainer's advances and baby girl thing. If not by directly telling him to stop because you have a boyfriend, then by blocking. But you don't need to tell your boyfriend, just enforce your boundaries. But your boyfriend is controlling anyway, so it's for the better the break up.

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OK, first of all, I do actually think that your personal trainer is sleazy and creepy. He is definitely old enough to be your Dad AND he's married AND he knows you're in a relationship.

 

He should not even be really following you on social media in the first place because he should have some professional boundaries and not get so familiar with his clients. Especially as there's such a large age gap! Even if he was to pretend to be your friend, as if a 50-year-old would be hanging out with a 19-year-old! His own kids are probably your age or even older than you.

 

Calling you "babygirl" is too familiar and inappropriate and he is liking all your pictures and messaging you. I think that is not innocent, he is cracking on to you/flirting with you. I think in this case your boyfriend does have a right to be jealous. You need to have much better boundaries where you don't allow other guys to call you pet names and message you.

 

However, I think your boyfriend also does sound very controlling and like his jealousy is very over-the-top. Your behaviour was not good either but there are always going to be sleazy guys around flirting and I think he really needs to learn to control his temper better. Telling you to completely quit the gym and checking your phone is not OK. He should have had a conversation with you about it before breaking up. Although he already did let you know that he was not OK with your personal trainer (because he's sleazy let's be honest). But you continued to interact with the trainer on social media and that is disrespectful.

 

Do you actually like to get attention from a creepy man your Dad's age? What is the reason you continued talking to the trainer?

 

I don't think he broke up with her as in "I break up because this is a deal breaker to me" but more as a temper tantrum and controls tactic to keep her in her toes and show her the consequences. I'm not condoning her lack of boundaries though. Just that her boyfriend is very controlling and this relationship doesn't sound healthy at all.

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This is the same creep that wants you to play the maid. Get rid of this idiot!

 

I feel sorry for the bf.

I don’t believe he is that controlling , I believe he feels disrespected.

And he was by his gf.

 

The trainer can call whoever he likes baby girl , who cares in this thread that he disrespects his wife by calling young girls that? He is not here so no point in discussing his issues.

 

 

The OP is very naive and has not placed boundaries which is all the bf has asked for.

He asked her to deal with it. He didn’t approach the trainer and nor should he, that WOULD be controlling.

He is simply asking her to respect him and their relationship.

 

The OP naively states that the trainer is 50 , married and has kids. And because of that thinks her bf shouldn’t worry.

He and all of us know that that doesn’t make him respectful or unwilling to cheat with a naive 19 yr old.

 

He is now not her trainer and the only connection is on social media.

Why is he still on there? There is no need.

 

OP sorry, but you need to get a bit wiser, understand how you allowing a creepy sleaze to continue to be so can affect how your bf feels.

 

Start by respecting yourself and then you can start respecting your bf.

Are you good with people going through your phone and telling you what to do? I suggest you read her other thread.

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Ultimately, going through your phone and making demands is a greater sin than your lack of boundaries. The trust is gone, so of course the relationship doesn't feel the same now. Add the fact dude goes to your parents' house and lounges around expecting to be treated "like a king," and I say good riddance.

 

But as a former trainer, guys like this make me gag. But as far as the lack of boundaries go, that's on you. In this situation, I don't care that he's 50, you're the one who's got the power. While he was training you, you were the one his income was dependent on. Even now, you're the one who can go straight to Yelp and slash his clientele in half describing how he used his position to call you "baby girl" on social media. Not saying it's worth it to, but you can and should assert boundaries. In your boyfriend's shoes, if I saw you were actually paying someone who was calling you things like "baby girl," I'd probably dump you. But that's without going through your phone or causing fights trying to dictate your interactions. How you live is and should be up to you.

 

Plenty of time and plenty of other options ahead of you.

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I think that going through her phone was the lesser of two wrongs. If this 50 year old trainer was crossing the line with his attention and comments, the boyfriend was justified in getting angry, not at the trainer but at his girlfriend for allowing the comments to continue. She should have nipped it in the bud the first time and blocked him.

 

In general, I think the two of them are not compatible on many levels. If she doesn't want to treat him like a king, then she needs to look elsewhere for love. And stop being naive and letting older men hit on her.

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