What the hell just happened

[Utterlyhurt]

I just got broken up with someone I was dating for over a year and living with last six months. We had discussed marriage just last week. And the only answer given to why is her thesis committee wants her to change a few things. They liked the idea overall, but thought a few things could be changed. And I'm told that means pressure which is never ending in Academia and it also means I didn't really move in for love and didn't understand her. When I pointed out that was ridiculous she conceded the point, but said she needs to break up and be alone.

 

I've had breakups before and have been at fault in more than one. I take ownership when I've messed up and try to work on it so the next one is better. This one was totally out of the blue and feels like a nuclear bomb was used when a grenade or, dropping the metaphors, even talking honestly would have worked. Her friend told me that she had a breakdown about this time last year and the year before too. And it isn't that anything occurred within the relationship that was horrible. I really do take ownership and while this one wasn't perfect there wasn't a large fight ever or an overarching problem that wasn't worked on. Small things were brought up and tackled which is something that happens whenever you join two lives together.

 

I realize the simple answer is this was something that was an emotional bomb waiting to go off. But nothing is simple when it comes to the heart.

 

This was her first major relationship and I think all the ramifications of a break up and move out aren't apparent. This is my own feeling so it might be wrong, but gut says that. She talks as if we will discuss it again in a few weeks and maybe you can move back in then. Moving alone is traumatic and costly, much less seperating a life you had started building together, even if it wasn't years or decades.

 

At the moment I'm numb. I have friends who will help me move. And I will be ok in the long run. Short run this hurts bad though. And is confusing. Do I try and save it? Do I point out all the good, that even she admits was really good up until her committee asked for changes? Do I cut ties? Do I go no contact and see how it is in a few months? I don't want a yo-yo relationship and up until now it has been very stable and supportive. And I really do love her enough to think she was the one. I'm utterly hurt and confused and more than a little crushed. Maybe outside perspectives can help. Inside it's a painful, horrible, hurt mess right now. She left for a friend's house and I'm sitting amongst our shared life trying to digest what just happened.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Where did you move to? Start a self improvement plan and do not wait around to move back into her place. Moving in after 6 mos was a huge mistake in the first place. You're not compatible. On/off relationships are not sustainable. Stay no contact and start to reflect on why you both rushed this so much.

I just got broken up with someone I was dating for over a year and living with last six months.

 

I think all the ramifications of a break up and move out aren't apparent. Moving alone is traumatic and costly

 

We had discussed marriage just last week.

[RayofLighten]

Personally, I wouldn't go back there. Judging by her friends comment it seems she is prone to breakdowns over relationships. This is not stable. Make a clean break and move on with your life. Don't waste your time waiting around, moving in and out when ever she wants you to.

[Utterlyhurt]

Where did you move to? On/off relationships are not sustainable. Stay no contact and start to reflect on why you both rushed this so much.

 

I haven't moved yet. When I say just happened I mean 12 hours ago I thought she was annoyed and stressed about her week, but we would be fine. There wasn't a "can you give me time to think" or anything just a "hey school didn't go as planned and I'm stressed and a few things seem off so... bye." I keep trying to sleep and end up crying instead.

 

It wasn't on/off until today. It was on since we met. We dated then nights over turned into days over turned into move a few things in then... and then it all got blown up and still not able to process why. Not that you ever get all the answers, but a concrete reason that isn't just grasping and then admitting ok that wasn't how it was would be nice. But if everything were nice I wouldn't be crying and posting here. I know this. And deep down I know if someone is willing to cut you loose without a discussion and admits most of the things they brought up weren't as they said and a lot are outside your control they aren't the right one. But damn I love her. I can walk away knowing I loved her very deeply and treated her with respect. Small consolation for the pain, but I never would have done something like this to her.

[Wiseman2]

Where did you live 6 mos ago? It sounds too draining and unstable to stay in this.

I've had breakups before and

[Utterlyhurt]

I was helping with family. I have family I can move to. And I can move further afield soon. So not a on the street situation. Just a heartbreaking one. My heart says make this work, but my brain says it's not meant to be. Another time or place maybe it would have been, but not now and here.

[Wiseman2]

Ok, move back in with your family. Leave her be and accept and believe her that she wants to end things. Don't patronize her. It's that simple.

I was helping with family. I have family I can move to.

[Utterlyhurt]

Ok, move back in with your family. Leave her be and accept and believe her that she wants to end things. Don't patronize her. It's that simple.

 

I've been packing all night. Couldn't sleep. No patronizing just trying to rationalize things. Looking for something solid to grasp onto as my world just fell apart. It can be whole again, but at the moment it's not. And it feels like it never will be again. I know from past experience that isn't true. But holy hell it hurts getting from here to there.

[ninjabib]

This sounds messy. The relationship moved fast, way too fast most likely. Perhaps she's overwhelmed by it all, especially with all the academic stuff going on too. She also sounds a bit unstable or immature. Which I cannot tell but neither are a good sign for a relationship. She may already have issues that are nothing to do with you but unless she's willing to help herself it will never work anyway.

 

I would take this as over. No amount of trying to fix things will work.

[Annia]

I think one of the things that took a toll in the relationship and your judgement of the relationship was the fact that you two moved in so soon and it was all too much too soon.

 

I'd move out and take this as a definite break up. Weather later down the road you decide to get back together, don't rush everything and take step by step. This was all too draining. Or if you meet someone also take your time.

[indea08]

I’m betting she probably had some reservations or doubts that she hadn’t told you about. Maybe she even met someone who caught her interest enough to make her feel okay with ending things with you. Who knows? Unfortunately I don’t think you’re going to get any further information from her right now.

 

That being said, I’m fully 100% confident that if you do go ahead and move out, refrain from contacting her, and try to heal, you will hear from her before long. Breaking up with you seems like it was a knee-jerk reaction that she hadn’t thought through. Once she feels your absence and things calm down at school, she’ll realize how much she misses you (or at least, she misses having someone) and she’ll reach out.

 

Your job is to do what you’ve got to do between now and then to get into a clear headspace so you can make a good decision about how to handle it. Whether that means going to the gym, updating your wardrobe, going on a guys trip, whatever you feel you need to do, do it. Do some soul searching. She’ll be back and then you can make the call to try again or let the sleeping dog lie.

 

And I’m very sorry this happened to you. I can only imagine your hurt.

[Utterlyhurt]

This sounds messy. The relationship moved fast, way too fast most likely.

 

I think one of the things that took a toll in the relationship and your judgement of the relationship was the fact that you two moved in so soon and it was all too much too soon.

 

I think these are valid points. It didn't feel rushed, but it was fast.

[Utterlyhurt]

That being said, I’m fully 100% confident that if you do go ahead and move out, refrain from contacting her, and try to heal, you will hear from her before long. Breaking up with you seems like it was a knee-jerk reaction that she hadn’t thought through. Once she feels your absence and things calm down at school, she’ll realize how much she misses you (or at least, she misses having someone) and she’ll reach out.

 

Your job is to do what you’ve got to do between now and then to get into a clear headspace so you can make a good decision about how to handle it. Whether that means going to the gym, updating your wardrobe, going on a guys trip, whatever you feel you need to do, do it. Do some soul searching. She’ll be back and then you can make the call to try again or let the sleeping dog lie.

 

And I’m very sorry this happened to you. I can only imagine your hurt.

 

This is good advice. Today, being the dumped half, I want to save it at all costs. And figure out what went wrong so I can fix it. That's my instinct, but history has taught me quick fixes rarely work and if they do it's a bridge to more serious work.

 

I also know today I've cried more than I have in years maybe decades. It's not a good mindspace to be contemplating anything related to this except get past the pain and finish moving out. Then focus on what I didn't like about myself or what I do best.

[ninjabib]

Our instinct is to fix things, especially as males but it just makes things worse. I agree with the other posters, if you accept things and walk with your respect and dignity she may come back once the pressures off and then you decide whether you want to let her back into your life or not. For now? Go out and have fun.

[Rose Mosse]

My goodness. She thinks academia is stressful? I think she might need to do some soul searching and what she's going through or has been going through is something that she does need to go through alone. It likely has very little to do with you. She's unable to manage her stress reliably and sustain a relationship at the same time. She's being honest with you. Your job is to take the truth and process it also in a responsible manner (responsible to yourself and your commitments). Take this as a lesson and when you're about to plan your life with someone or if you are dating again and meet someone, make sure that they are grounded and realistic about their goals and where they see themselves. We cannot possibly have all the answers setting out on a long term relationship with someone but we should try our best to narrow things down and place our trust in reliable partners. You're both still developing yourselves professionally/academically so I do see the greater potential for mistakes.

 

Learning to handle or juggle different elements in life is a skill. I think she is still working hard on it. I wouldn't fault her for her struggles...just acknowledge it and let her be. She's been honest with you like I've said. The least you can do is now be honest with yourself and move forward.

[Gary Snyder]

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately, when they get to the point that they want to breakup, that means it's broken and unfixable.

[Utterlyhurt]

The moving out is brutal. Packimg up memories, hopes and dreams.

 

And one box soon will be the last. Even if it's for the best this is one of the most gut wrenchingly painful things I've had to do.

[Nickel Speed]

Instinct tells me that you will see her in another relationship pretty quick. I believe there is someone else.

[Utterlyhurt]

Instinct tells me that you will see her in another relationship pretty quick. I believe there is someone else.

 

Perhaps. It's moot if it's that or a breakup over something else to my heart. I deleted on social media so I won't know if that's the case. Have to focus on me. I want that focus to win her back at this moment, but it will change at some point.

[Rose Mosse]

Have to focus on me.

 

Bingo.

Do this.

[Utterlyhurt]

Tonight we discussed final swapping of stuff and I was told that a goodbye wouldn't change anything because decision was final so no need for one. My goodbye wasn't for changing mind. It was for saying goodbye to someone I loved deeply.

 

I knew from reading on here this was common of dumpers. The sudden hardness and callousness. I braced myself in case it came, but when it did it still destroyed something of me. I don't think it's gone forever, but what an emotional sledgehammer that is.

[Wiseman2]

Your world should have been more in order in the first place. Not have gone into a crazy rush and move in with her after 6 mos. You are focusing on the breakup, but it only represents the pain in your everyday life before her.

 

Jumping into this was a distraction from that and you know it. It seems moving back in with your parents is the problem not packing and breakups. It sounds like you incorrectly believed that rushing into this relationship and moving into her place would fix all your pain and problems. However if you reflect and start being honest with yourself, you'll see that they existed before you met her.

 

Stop blaming other people and random situations for the chaos in your life. Get to a therapist and doctor to examine whatever underlying causes there are including possible mood disorders, etc. A therapist will also help you sort out this current drama and situation and help you prevent more drama and chaos with self defeating behaviors such as thinking this rushed relationship would save you from yourself.

 

You'll learn to take responsibility for your actions and the consequences of impulsive behaviors and help improve this victim mentality. You are a victim of your own behaviors, not packing or breakups.

I've been packing all night. Couldn't sleep. No patronizing just trying to rationalize things. Looking for something solid to grasp onto as my world just fell apart. It can be whole again, but at the moment it's not. And it feels like it never will be again. I know from past experience that isn't true. But holy hell it hurts getting from here to there.

[Utterlyhurt]

This isn't 100% correct, but it does have some truth to it. Enough to sting and make me defensive, but admit there's some truth in there. Good news is I'm in CBT therapy. Early going so a long road, but the wheels have started turning.

 

Your world should have been more in order in the first place. Not have gone into a crazy rush and move in with her after 6 mos. You are focusing on the breakup, but it only represents the pain in your everyday life before her.

 

Jumping into this was a distraction from that and you know it. It seems moving back in with your parents is the problem not packing and breakups. It sounds like you incorrectly believed that rushing into this relationship and moving into her place would fix all your pain and problems. However if you reflect and start being honest with yourself, you'll see that they existed before you met her.

 

Stop blaming other people and random situations for the chaos in your life. Get to a therapist and doctor to examine whatever underlying causes there are including possible mood disorders, etc. A therapist will also help you sort out this current drama and situation and help you prevent more drama and chaos with self defeating behaviors such as thinking this rushed relationship would save you from yourself.

 

You'll learn to take responsibility for your actions and the consequences of impulsive behaviors and help improve this victim mentality. You are a victim of your own behaviors, not packing or breakups.

[Utterlyhurt]

An update on focus going forward and the final conversation. It went as well as a painful goodbye can. More here: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=558444&p=7110930#post7110930