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Did I handle this wrong? Drugs use by stepson


JBenton
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My rule in the house and my wife knows this is no drug use at our house (in or out). We each have kids from other marriages. My step-son (he's 17) has been drugged up many times and my wife does little to deal with it. One night the whole house stunk of it and when I went to the kitchen he was drugged up. Now I had my kids at the house as well (teenagers) and I don't want them to think this behavior is acceptable. My wife said she will deal with it in the morning which to be honest would be nothing or not much. I started telling him to not smoke that stuff etc. My wife came out and was angry and wanted us to drop it and wait until the morning but too late cause I'm upset and have to deal with this. My wife was upset that I was yelling at his son (and I'm sure it wasn't the best time to talk to him on this but again I'm upset) and she starts hitting me. Her other son comes in to see what's going on. The drugged step son threatens me like "you want to go" and comes at me but his brother pushes him away twice so he doesn't get to me. I call the kid a loser which angers my wife and she starts hitting me again. Note I don't touch anyone. I take her to the bedroom and tell her he needs to leave. My thought is I don't need this drugged up disrespectful kid in my house - who knows what he will do. My wife says if he goes then I go. I have no choice cause I don't trust this kid and just want him out. So she leaves with the two sons. The next day she is upset because I don't check on her. I couldn't because I was so in shock that my wife didn't back me up on this, hit me, and acted the way she did. I knew she ok with her sons. She was also upset because a few days I didn't want him at the house but after about a week he came back. Of course he never apologized to me at all. That was 10 months ago and my wife is still upset and says she may never forgive me for this. She knows she has to goto a counselor and wants to she says but she was given counselor names 3 months ago and has done nothing. She made it clear she loves her children more than me etc. But I'm thinking she can't forgive me and why do I even to be forgiven - didn't I do what a father should to protect and address the situation...shouldn't I be able to hold up the rules of the house. Thoughts? What do you all think? Seems like she's going to throw away our marriage on this? Anyway I'm going to see a counselor to help me on this but would like to know your thoughts. Thanks J

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What did you hope the outcome would be? I suspect your wife isn't annoyed with you about your opinions. She's annoyed with your temper or ill timing.

 

Your concerns about the kids are valid but I think both of you are not on the same page(your wife and you) and your approaches are vastly different which causes confusion for the whole family. Why did you marry this woman if you knew about her son and the drugs? Did you know about him on drugs when you were dating your wife? If not, why didn't she tell you? If he started recently, it also begs the question why he doesn't have a reasonably good relationship with you and why he doesn't respect you. You can see how this still relates to your relationship with the kids and your relationship with your wife. It's all connected and you should take responsibility for your relationships with them.

 

Try to think about it with a cooler head and come to some options as a family on how to deal with this together. Speak with your wife about it. It's not acceptable that she or any number of the kids had to leave the house at night.

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I disagree with the person above, I'm sorry but first off she HIT him! that is abuse regardless of the gender, and if she was hitting him, the husband had every right if he wanted her to leave. Also his step-son threatened to hit him as well. Violence of any kind is not okay so yes if someone threatened to hurt me/already did then....

Also you're right, you have other kids in the house and if this person is being disrespectful then it needs to be addressed.

I do agree that a relationship and parenting ground needs to be established between the family to make it work but it isn't uncommon for step children to not respect their step parent. Usually they feel bitterness towards them.

My advice is getting counseling for the whole family and establish communication.

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If the situation is as you say it is, I say, be done with the whole lot of them.

 

Your wife was hitting you? Your stepson indulging in drugs in the house?

 

Do no take them back. protect the nondruggie kids in the house.

 

You do not need a wife who hits you to protect a druggie's drug use.

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If the situation is as you say it is, I say, be done with the whole lot of them.

 

Your wife was hitting you? Your stepson indulging in drugs in the house?

 

Do no take them back. protect the nondruggie kids in the house.

 

You do not need a wife who hits you to protect a druggie's drug use.

 

100% agree

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If the OP was so threatened by her hitting him, he would have been the one to call the cops and leave the house. He didn't and stayed. Obviously he didn't feel threatened enough to react to her "hitting" him. I don't condone violence of any kind but I think calling a 17 year old a loser when he is clearly under the influence is not going help the situation and the OP played an active role in escalating the issues. I don't agree with the behaviour of your wife either, make no mistake, but these issues go both ways.

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I think you all bring good insights on this and Rose I think you have the perspective of my wife down very well - so thank you for providing feedback here. And thank you Hopeful and Jim as well! If my son was threatening my wife all drugged up I would remove him. I'm sorry but I did not feel safe when he threaten me and I had my other kids to think about. He may have done nothing but stay in his room but I couldn't chance that. He is not my son so he does not respect me and frankly has issues with a lot of people. Also, even with bad timing I should be able to have say in my house when there's an issue. I have the entire family to take care of and it's stressful enough - safety first. Let me ask you this, is someone was threatening you and drugged would you stay or go? This kid ended up arrested a few months after for drugs and attempted robbery. I know where I went wrong in this situation but I'm going to get professional advice and guidance as well. I tried to really co-parent but with my wife's guilt from base decisions she decided to ignore what we agreed upon (no drug use at our home) and work out a deal where as long as he smoked it in the yard. I didn't know this or would have agreed to this. This situation is very complicated with my wife because she has a lot of guilt etc. I just don't see how this is so big that our marriage won't last over this. It was 10 months ago and she has yet to see a counselor. He love for her kids outweighs working on our marriage I guess.

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If the OP was so threatened by her hitting him, he would have been the one to call the cops and leave the house
This isn't even true for a whole lot of women, let alone men.

 

Look, OP. You handled the situation about as maturely as the 17-year old you found yourself at odds with. I don't think you were wrong to reprimand him, but continuing to goad him by calling him names as he's demonstrably hostile is beyond eye-roll worthy. While your wife hitting you is 100% on her, I do believe it's incredibly likely, between your words and whatever expressions and demeanor you haven't outright stated, that you very well contributed to the hostile situation.

 

That said, your wife hits you, you stepson attempted to initiate a physical altercation with you. Sorry, it's pretty damn rare just one of those two ends up successfully resolved, never mind both. Both are stains that I can near guarantee will never go away. I could never encourage someone remain in a demonstrably and physically hostile environment, particularly with their own kids involved. You may think a 17-year old or fragile flower petal of a woman are harmless, but all it takes is a good raking, gouging, or heaven forbid weapon to turn that physical tide. Without a shared kid, I'm not really even seeing a bad excuse to keep this going.

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btw - just to let you all know - even with the bad timing - if my wife only said something like this to her son (just an example) "The house stinks of pot and your really stoned. This is unacceptable and you need to goto bed and we'll talk about it in the morning" - just something as simple as that and nothing else had to happen - when my wife came out and tried to stop the conversation and couldn't that's when she started to hit me the first time - which to me tells the kid he was justified in what he was doing. Then he proceeded to threaten me and that's the only time I named called him by calling him a loser (which I know is wrong - but give me a break I thought I kept cool in all this) - anyway....that's when my wife starting hitting me again. All of this again would not have happened if my wife backed me up and should of been. I was shocked! I had no clue we were not on the same page - I thought we were.

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This isn't even true for a whole lot of women, let alone men.

 

Look, OP. You handled the situation about as maturely as the 17-year old you found yourself at odds with. I don't think you were wrong to reprimand him, but continuing to goad him by calling him names as he's demonstrably hostile is beyond eye-roll worthy. While your wife hitting you is 100% on her, I do believe it's incredibly likely, between your words and whatever expressions and demeanor you haven't outright stated, that you very well contributed to the hostile situation.

 

That said, your wife hits you, you stepson attempted to initiate a physical altercation with you. Sorry, it's pretty damn rare just one of those two ends up successfully resolved, never mind both. Both are stains that I can near guarantee will never go away. I could never encourage someone remain in a demonstrably and physically hostile environment, particularly with their own kids involved. You may think a 17-year old or fragile flower pedal of a woman are harmless, but all it takes is a good raking, gouging, or heaven forbid weapon to turn that physical tide. Without a shared kid, I'm not really even seeing a bad excuse to keep this going.

 

Yes yes and yes! Also if he is being assaulted why does he need to leave?? Also we all know the double standards of men calling in abuse i mean come on now..

This violence could escalate.

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btw - just to let you all know - even with the bad timing - if my wife only said something like this to her son (just an example) "The house stinks of pot and your really stoned. This is unacceptable and you need to goto bed and we'll talk about it in the morning" - just something as simple as that and nothing else had to happen - when my wife came out and tried to stop the conversation and couldn't that's when she started to hit me the first time - which to me tells the kid he was justified in what he was doing. Then he proceeded to threaten me and that's the only time I named called him by calling him a loser (which I know is wrong - but give me a break I thought I kept cool in all this) - anyway....that's when my wife starting hitting me again. All of this again would not have happened if my wife backed me up and should of been. I was shocked! I had no clue we were not on the same page - I thought we were.

 

I'm sorry, you seem very level headed to me. You made a mistake of calling him a loser but god if that's the worst thing you've done thus far then props to you. She should have had your back in this case. As my parents always established the rules "my house my rules, if you don't like it go somewhere else"

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Both of you ed up.

 

That wasn't the correct approach to take. You needed to sit down and have a rational talk with your wife about the seriousness of the issue. Decide what to do about it, and then confront the son. Then she would have had your back.

Calling someone a loser is not a convincing way for them to understand your side of things. Explain to him the issue. Set the ground rules, and set the punishment...with your wife.

 

With what already happened, the hitting, etc.. It's probably just best to move on. This obviously is not your and her first rodeo in the domestic violence department.

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This isn't even true for a whole lot of women, let alone men.

 

Look, OP. You handled the situation about as maturely as the 17-year old you found yourself at odds with. I don't think you were wrong to reprimand him, but continuing to goad him by calling him names as he's demonstrably hostile is beyond eye-roll worthy. While your wife hitting you is 100% on her, I do believe it's incredibly likely, between your words and whatever expressions and demeanor you haven't outright stated, that you very well contributed to the hostile situation.

 

That said, your wife hits you, you stepson attempted to initiate a physical altercation with you. Sorry, it's pretty damn rare just one of those two ends up successfully resolved, never mind both. Both are stains that I can near guarantee will never go away. I could never encourage someone remain in a demonstrably and physically hostile environment, particularly with their own kids involved. You may think a 17-year old or fragile flower petal of a woman are harmless, but all it takes is a good raking, gouging, or heaven forbid weapon to turn that physical tide. Without a shared kid, I'm not really even seeing a bad excuse to keep this going.

 

I agree!

 

Has she hit you before?

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btw - just to let you all know - even with the bad timing - if my wife only said something like this to her son (just an example) "The house stinks of pot and your really stoned. This is unacceptable and you need to goto bed and we'll talk about it in the morning" - just something as simple as that and nothing else had to happen - when my wife came out and tried to stop the conversation and couldn't that's when she started to hit me the first time - which to me tells the kid he was justified in what he was doing. Then he proceeded to threaten me and that's the only time I named called him by calling him a loser (which I know is wrong - but give me a break I thought I kept cool in all this) - anyway....that's when my wife starting hitting me again. All of this again would not have happened if my wife backed me up and should of been. I was shocked! I had no clue we were not on the same page - I thought we were.

Neither one respect you. Who's house is it?

 

Does he have a job?

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If they are back in your house does that mean that the son has quit the drug use in your home? If he is still using and your wife is still holding a grudge over this then I don't think you have much of a chance of breaking her out of her (codependent) relationship with her son. She enables his use and she is harming him by doing that. Not only that but she has ruined the emotional connection you two had together but she is, of course, willing to put up with that divide because you house and help support all of them.

 

Go to marriage therapy with her and family therapy with all of you (your children too because they have to be affected by her abhorrent behaviour and your reaction to it.) No matter what, no one should be hitting anyone. She is a woman who appears to like to control and goes off the rails when she fails at it.

 

If she won't partake in it then you should consider ending it with her and letting her and her sons fend for themselves in their dysfunctional relating.

 

Good luck.

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With what already happened, the hitting, etc.. It's probably just best to move on. This obviously is not your and her first rodeo in the domestic violence department.

 

Agree. This household is dysfunctional; you will forever be in a power struggle with her son.

 

No apology from your stepson? I'd be done.

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Has she hit you before?

 

My biggest concern here is one of the adults physically assaulting another adult with kids around... I mean who thinks this is ok and gets upset the next day that you didn't call and ask about their wellbeing when they were the one kicking your butt? A perpetrator.

 

I would seriously question if this perpetrator is worth the effort in salvaging our marriage.

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sorry, i don't care whose son he is, but since he is under your roof, you have every right to forbid drug use. maybe you and your wife should have decided what the consequences were way before hand - ie if any of the kids bring drugs in the house you both agree that x should happen. But honestly,i would have hit the roof if anyone had drugs in my home. Apparently his father did nothing to guide and discipline him, so you suffer the cosequences. You know, he *is* a loser. If you called a kid a loser for getting a C in their hardest class once, that would be uncalled for, but even though you should have bit your tongue, you are on the money here. I would go to counseling with your wife if she is willing - otherwise, if this is your house, then i would throw them out

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To answer some of the questions - it was pot he was smoking, we have always had a no drug policy but I think between her ex and her sons keep drilling in her head it's no big deal it's like the beer of today - she fell for it - esp since she doesn't want to lose her child and have them live with their dad where he doesn't care. My wife has not hit me before - I think it was an effort to stop me from talking but still it was very shocking - I like why are you hitting me? I think cause she felt she lost control etc but no excuse - I didn't touch no one. the kid has a side job where he gets money here and there and remember pot is cheap - yes I agree that I suppose to sit down and explain to the kids it's wrong and the rules of the house blah blah blah - I say it like that because that was all done before - I had those conversations - I left it to my wife to handle the situation with her son and that he needed to stop many times - this is why I felt I had enough and needed to not stand by and let this happen in my house and with my kids there - I'm not saying my kids have never done pot - they might have but never smelt it on them or while they are with me. Anyway - yes I could of handle this much better and just told the kid it was wrong and to go to his room etc - but this was a big build up and my wife should of back me up - it was wrong - I think she put herself in a spot by working a side deal I knew nothing about in which he could smoke just outside the house - I did not know about this and unacceptable so I think she was put in a bad spot that night because to back me up would go against him due to this side deal - this is a mess - she doesn't realize that if the police went by and caught him smoking I could be arrested - lose my job etc etc

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If the OP was so threatened by her hitting him, he would have been the one to call the cops and leave the house. He didn't and stayed. Obviously he didn't feel threatened enough to react to her "hitting" him. I don't condone violence of any kind but I think calling a 17 year old a loser when he is clearly under the influence is not going help the situation and the OP played an active role in escalating the issues. I don't agree with the behaviour of your wife either, make no mistake, but these issues go both ways.

 

Many women don't call the cops either when a man hits them or threatens them so I don't think this is 100% like that.

 

And yes I'd leave this abusive woman and her drugged son to protect my children from this and protect myself too.

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Your rule of the house is very reasonable. Your wife's and her kids behavior is not. She is a flake and an abusive one at that. He is a loser (you're right about that). She wont ever wake up from the seriousness of her son taking drugs until he inevitably kills himself from it. She has no right to say that SHE might never forgive you, because you weren't the one that did anything wrong. Please get these people out of your life and just concentrate on raising your kids.

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