Jump to content

Blip During 7 Year Relationship. Am I Over or Underreacting?


querier
 Share

Recommended Posts

I don't normally post things like this or open up about relationships but really want to hear other peoples thoughts and opinions as it's doing my head in. As an example, it's 2am now and I can't sleep because it's playing on my mind, hence why I'm posting this.

 

In summary:

 

- I've been with my girlfriend for 7 years

- We own a house, we're both 31, have 1 kid and work together from home

- About 6 months ago we decided to have a small break as we were in a small cramped house, work was manic and she had been diagnosed with MS. She said she just wanted some space which was fine.

- For a few months prior this she was also talking to her male 'friend', staying over his house so she could have a drink etc. I do/did trust her and didn't have a problem with that.

- This male 'friend' is a bit 'weird' shall we say. I've never liked him. He's very clingy, would buy her anything she wanted, and everybody knows that he's always fancied her, even before we got together. Like I say, I did trust her though and had no reason not to.

- During this break which lasted about a week I looked after our daughter and kept the business running whilst she stayed at this guys house.

- I didn't actually think we'd split up during this break, and it was purely because she wanted a break away from all the stress.

- About 3 months later my phone broke so I borrowed her old phone which came with all of her old Whatsapp messages. After flicking through a) the nature of the messages was disgusting with hearts and kisses emojis b) saying how they wish they could just cuddle together and c) then I found out that they had slept together multiple times during this break, she'd got pregnant and had an abortion (yikes).

- When I read the messages I felt sick to the stomach and wanted nothing more than to get rid of her. I raised this with her, we talked it out, and to cut a long story short, she said she regretted it, she thought we'd split up, she had a lot going on and didn't know what she was doing etc etc and we stayed together. I said I never want to see this guy and I want him nowhere near either of us which she agreed to.

- Since then this whole thing has been on my mind 24/7. I'm just hoping time will heal and to be fair, things have been good. We've moved to a bigger house, work is fine and all is dandy, and her and her male friend had stopped talking (or at least i thought).

- Then yesterday her phone is on the side and I see it popup with a message from him. I open it up out of curiosity and turns out they've been talking for a while. He keeps asking if she wants to pop over to his for a coffee. To be fair she keeps saying she's busy but I don't know if it's because she genuinely is busy (which she is), or is making an excuse not to see him. A lot of the chat is quite general with no kiss emojis or talking of cuddling like there was before and she's quite dismissive of him.

 

My question is:

 

- After all this, should I be mad that they're even talking when one of the agreements when we split up was that they don't talk?

- Or am I overreacting and it's ok for them to message and for her to go to his for coffee?

 

I know she loves me, I'm just worried that this is the start of something bigger again and this weird male friend will worm his way back in again, acting as the 'caring' friend when really all he wants is to bed her again. On top of this, because of all of this I really don't trust her at the moment whereas before I would trust her 100%. I honestly feel like she would happily go round his and make an excuse to me about where she is going.

 

Do I:

 

1) Raise this with her and tell her my concerns, even though then she'll know I read her messages

2) Message him direct and tell him to back off? But again, she'll know I read the messages

3) Do nothing, let her go round his for coffee and stop overreacting

4) Run away as fast as I can

5) Add a GPS tracker to her car so I can see if she has gone to his house and then act, but until then stay calm.

6) Suggest we see a relationship counsellor

7) Other

 

If I've missed out anything or if anything is unclear let me know. I'm just after some general opinions of people that can see this from an outside perspective :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow, you are the most tolerant partner on the planet, and I am sorry this has happened to you.

 

I would suggest Number 4. She disrespected you & your relationship by having an affair, got caught, promised to cut him off & now you find out she is still in contact.

She likes the attention & lies to you about cutting him off.

I honestly think there is nothing left once all trust is gone.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Since she knew he had a crush on her from the very beginning, she was crossing relationship boundaries by keeping a friendship with him when she was in a serious relationship with you. Her ego boost means more to her than losing you. Sometimes an affair can be a wake up call to a couple when there's been an emotional disconnection, and then upon the realization of losing the SO forever, decide to work on the marriage.

 

She has not come through with her promise, which was a reasonable request and necessary for the health of the marriage. She is engaging in behavior she knows is wrong and values her connection with him more than what you mean to her, because she took such a risk again, even if you haven't found anything romantic.

 

I know what it means to cut men off who crossed a boundary with me. When a guy who I was friends with as a teen (group friend) sent a friend request on Facebook, I thought it fun to catch up with an old friend from the past. When his message became inappropriate, I deleted him as a friend. That's what a decent woman does.

 

I discussed relationship boundaries with my husband when we became exclusive because you always want someone who is on the same page in that area. I also told him I don't give second chances for cheating, because if those are a person's ethics, ethics are something that rarely change in a person. And I couldn't live with the thought of what a hurtful thing he did to me. My advice is to see a lawyer for custody issues and the dividing of property.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm gong to second option 4.

 

And I don't toss that out easily. I'm all for forgiveness, all for the idea of two people going through fires, disconnecting, reconnecting, carving out some wild path together.

 

But reading what you wrote a pretty simple question came to my mind: What, exactly, are you getting out of this relationship? Not what it once was, or what it could be in your head, or what you can will it into with more patience, but what are you getting now? I mean, do you think your gf is awake at 2am, turning this stuff around in her mind the way you are? Do you even feel that you could remotely trust her to support you?

 

Look, affairs happen, and I applaud you for not reacting with complete rage. But in trying to work through it where have you ended up? What has she done to turn the page to a new chapter? She has basically continued on, lied, broken the same promise, and so on. She has, right there, shown you who she is, shown you what forgiving her mistakes gets you. She is not a mystery any more. You've known her for 7 years. You know what you're in for: more of the same.

 

The qualities that have allowed you to be patient in this are great qualities, but I think they're being deposited in the wrong bank. Whatever is going on with her—and you can have compassion for her, which is not the same as commitment—it's clear as day that she's lost complete respect for you and the relationship. Reward that and you'll just get more of the same.

 

You are so young. Yes, you have a kid and a house and imagining how it all gets dismantled and rebuilt alone is tough. But you also have only one life, and this does not sound like the way you want to live it or, really, the sort of environment you want to raise a child in.

 

Breaking up will be a painful chapter—but a chapter, not a life—and from what you've written it's clear at least to these eyes that you are being cheated out of the level of respect and happiness that everyone deserves.

 

Imagine someone treating you with the respect and patience you're treating her. It's out there, it really is. Sadly, it's just not the person under your roof.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would suggest, to start, 6) due to your child/consider the physical and financial health of your girlfriend and resist making hasty decisions that antagonize her or the situation (protect your business/assets). And then 7) other meaning a lawyer.

 

If this does go to court your character and finances will be looked at. Do you co-own this home or is it a rental? I'm suspecting you might worry about your girlfriend's welfare (health/diagnosed MS) as she still is the mother of your child and you may have a shared asset which you described as "the business"(is this exclusively yours? ie proprietorship?). What type of work does she do and can she support herself on her own work/income or is she an employee of this business? You will have to speak separately to divorce lawyers despite not having been legally married because most courts will deem the both of you common law partners and apportion rights/custody and any assets or support accordingly. You sound local to the UK (your time zone and one or two colloquialisms in your first post).

 

As much as I'd myself want to run for the hills if I was in your position, I'm not sure it's the wisest choice at this time. If you are not certain about options available to you, I'd suggest you speak with a lawyer immediately especially where it concerns your child(custody), business and assets.

Edited by Rose Mosse
Link to comment
Share on other sites

You have been in deep denial for a long time about her and her affair, OP. The fact that you refer to this a "blip" is very telling. It suggests that you are still trying to minimize the gigantic problems between you and her.

 

You're not being "nice" - you're being a doormat and don't have a backbone, man. You try to call it a mistake, but that's not what any of this is. It was an outright abuse of your far-too-appeasing approach to this relationship, a serious violation of your trust, and boundaries being broken all over the place. It was her getting involved with another man with your tacit consent, because it appears you were too afraid to stand up and say "oh, hell no!" when she started having sleepovers with him and then staying with him to "get away from stress." But OP, you can't be afraid anymore of losing someone who's already been gone for a while.

 

Your relationship is as good as over. She has zero respect for you, and the trust has been obliterated. The chances that you two will be able to fully recover from this and go on to live happily ever after are extremely slim, especially considering that she is apparently not done with her affair partner.

 

It's time to call a lawyer to help you navigate the separation, mortgage and child custody/visitation.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Let me get this straight, you allowed your GF to regularly stay over at another mans house? What the hell? Are you for real? That is a huge red flag in itself. What person allows their SO to do something like that? She spent a week with him and they slept together MULTIPLE times so she couldn't have felt that bad about it. She got pregnant by him. She lied and remained in contact with him when she promised she wouldn't, and you are asking if you should let her go to his for coffee? Seriously what the hell? This is beyond messed up and i can guarantee that she is probably still sleeping with him. You need to get a back bone and kick this woman out of your life for good. Wake up and stop being such a pushover.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Once my trust in a relationship is broken it can’t be whole again. That’s how I perceive it.

 

Is it ok for them to message and for her to go to his for coffee? Well let me ask this: is it ok for you to message a previous lover and go to her for coffee?

 

I don’t think that you overreact. A woman cheated on you and with your behavior you are communicating to her: Oh it’s ok honey, as soon as you love me and don not see that guy again. Now she knows that it’s ok to cheat on you because you are not going to do anything. Next time she will do it, she will cry and say that she thought your relationship was going to break again and blah blah blah blah so problem's fixed again. Do you see the pattern?

 

Not only she cheated and is the only one to blame but she made you feel that you are overreacting. You are even concerned about if she finds out that you read her PMs again. Man she cheated. Do you realize that?

 

If I were you I would do 4 or at least 1. Every other option is out of the question.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think you should talk to her about it first, but solve things with your company in the mean time (if she has any share take care of that). I believe that you cant stay in relationship eith person that continues to break your trust,and having a company with her will be a big problem. Keep it in secrecy as much as you can untill you can make that company only your own. I know that it's an aholish thing to do, but she doesnt deserve much better after all of this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think you should talk to her about it first, but solve things with your company in the mean time (if she has any share take care of that). I believe that you cant stay in relationship eith person that continues to break your trust,and having a company with her will be a big problem. Keep it in secrecy as much as you can untill you can make that company only your own. I know that it's an aholish thing to do, but she doesnt deserve much better after all of this.

 

Agreed. Hence the earlier point I made about seeing a lawyer. The courts will take care of it as a common law situation and he'll be on the hook for child and /or spousal support anyway regardless. It's not as if he's going to get away completely. I do think it's probably for the best that he separates himself emotionally.... try and be more pragmatic about the situation. I'm sure there are all kinds of emotions wrapped up there and it's not going to go away instantly especially where a child is involved and also considering he's used to this emotional manipulation/deceit from his girlfriend as a type of "normal" for this long.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow there is a lot of denial in your post going on. This isn't a blip or a mistake. Your SO was actively cheating on you. She actually initiated the so called break up so she could just go live with the other guy and fck him to her heart's content and boy did they. She got pregnant. She certainly wasn't too stressed or sick when it came to that. I mean...dude...wake up. This woman not only doesn't respect you, she abused you, your trust, and put your health in jeopardy. Please please get checked for STD's. Obviously she doesn't have the sense to use protection of any kind.

 

Taking her back after all that was a foolish decision, but can't be undone. So what have you learned? That cheaters lie and cheat and cheat and cheat. You had one simple condition for your reconciliation - that guy is to be out of your lives forever. Is he? No. She continues to carry on with him and it's only a matter of time before she goes back to shagging him, assuming she hasn't been doing it all along. After getting caught, 99.9999999% of cheaters don't suddenly find morals and values, no dude, they just learn how to hide their deeds better.

 

I think you need to talk to a lawyer asap and fight for the custody of your kids. What an unworthy excuse for a mother they have. You need to actually shield them from this AND show them that being a blind doormat is not how healthy relationships work. Bad deeds have consequences.

 

Also, check out this blog for more help and support and gaining a better grasp on cheaters chumplady.com Plenty of men on there like you - cheated on, lied to, in denial, etc. Coming to grips and realizing that getting rid of toxic waste is important for you and for your kids is a process.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My husband and I split up for a short time and when we decided to get back together he was seeing someone. The first thing I made him do was block her from his phone and social media. He did as I said and I know for sure he hasn't talked to her.

My Advice:

Let her know you saw that he text her and demand that she completely block him and stop the communication now. She may say nothing will ever happen again. The other man doesn't care about your needs but she should and if she doesn't stop talking to him then she's not putting you and yall relationship first.

If she does stop talking to him and you choose to continue on in the relationship you will have to let the past go or you personally wont be able to move forward. That means bury this incident like it never happened and start over clean slate. If you can't do that then y'all will never be happy in the end....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 4 weeks later...

Hi,

I’ve read your dilemma a couple of times,

You talk about a 7 day break and also the fact your g.friend has known/seen this guy/friend prior etc. Etc..

You ask a lot of q. About what you should do. You show concern over how she may react as you’re mindful that you have been looking on her phone, and how she will be around that and so forth.

Although it’s not entirely clear the history of split/friendship, their position and what have you...

What I’m hearing is that you, understandably are stressed about all the not knowing and uncertainty with this apparent male ‘friend’ and actually the real focal point leans towards the uncertainty on your girlfriend.

Your girlfriend has obviously, by your message kept something from you in terms of the ‘pregnancy’ (did u know, were you together at the time, is this true)?which was kept from you. You speak that you have addressed that somewhat with her.

Anyway what I want to say in simple terms are:

your feelings are important, your need to know the truth is important, ..because in order to move on with her, she would need to acknowledge and understand your insecurities which quite frankly she seemingly has initiated here.

This really is not about this other man, but you and her.

If she loves you and values the relationship, then she should want to talk to you, answer any Qs as you would hers.

Communication can be the hardest thing in relationships, blame and attack will ‘never’ work.

Tell her you feel hurt, unsure and how you feel, u want it to work (if u do), if she constantly gets angry and avoidant with your wanting to understand, so long as u do it sensitively, then I would suggest she is probably not being honest - that’s my take on it.

I don’t want to judge or point fingers, relationships are hard, and both need to work at it if it’s going to survive.

Honesty and not attacking is the best way forward, may take time, if it means changing your communication patterns.

All the best.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...