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Husband "cheating"?


AbbieMurph
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My husband and I have been married for nine years. We have two kids; ages 4 and 2. This past weekend, I found emails (quite honestly, by accident) between my husband and a "dominatrix"... I'm not certain as to what to really call her. You can go on her website and watch videos of her teasing and dominating men, you can also make appointments to have her do it to you. My husband initiated an email, telling her he was interested in an appointment. She replied, he had further inquires and they chatted. She mentioned the price would be $600. His last email said that he was really interested, but nervous, was thinking of mid-April for a date but would get back after he thought it over some more. I confronted him, he said he never planned on actually going through with it. Do I believe that??? I'm totally lost, feel sick over it and feel like I can't talk to anyone without them judging him. Is this cheating??

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Absolutely , trying to contract someone for sex is cheating. It doesn’t matter at all that he planned on not going through with it . He still thought about cheating and planned it and talked to her about it. Personally ,you should have an STD check and I would tell him to pack his bags .

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Not that I know of, but I can't be certain. He works and I am home with the kids. We have a joint bank account, but I never even look at it. I could, I just don't... it's not like it's hidden from me. If I saw a withdrawal for $600, I previously wouldn't have thought much of it.

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I’m always hesitant to jump to “leave him” when there is a family and small children involved... I mean... I guess it’s possible that he was watching porn and was curious about what she charged or something...

 

What is your relationship like? Have you ever had a reason not to trust him before? How’s your sex life?

 

My advice would be to - yes - definitely get an STD test but also to go to marriage counseling (non-negotiable). You definitely have some stuff to work through (feelings, broken trust, betrayal, etc) - and a therapist can help you determine the next steps (which may or may not be leaving the relationship)

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I'm with RedDress on this one. I wouldn't jump to leaving just yet. I do think that what he was planning to do was cheating and likely a symptom of deeper issues in your marriage, but you get to decide how upset you are about his actions (and to me you seem upset but not "pack your bags" angry). Figure out if he is willing to work on the issues with you. If he's not, splitting will be inevitable, but sometimes couples are able to get past infedelity. It will require complete transparency on his part and a willingness to truly forgive on your side, though.

 

Oh, and 100% get a full STD workup and have regular testing from now on. It's always a good idea to do this periodically whether you're in a committed relationship or not.

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Thank you everyone. I feel so confused, it is terrible. Our marriage has not been great since the kids were born. We are more friends than anything right now. We have a lot of fun, but there is really no intimacy, which I seem to keep blaming myself for... making me think this is all actually my fault.

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I wouldn't leave yet either. What is the reason there is no intimacy? Did it die down because of the kids?

If so do you have any close family members or friends that could babysit ones in a while, so you guys could go on date nights?

It's important to invest time in your romantic relationship even after having kids. And try discussing what it is he misses in the bedroom.

For him to look up a dominatrix, it probably was because he thought you would not be comfortable doing certain stuff with him in the bedroom. Try and figure out together what you would be comfortable with.

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Don't blame yourself for this. If it was as simple as catching him watching porn, it could easily be forgotten about. But this isn't just porn. He contacted a woman with an intent to make an appointment with her for sexual activities. This is cheating I'm afraid. He likely feels a lack of sexual gratification in the marriage but that is not your fault. It's neither of your fault. You are raising 2 very young children and that is hard work for any parent. How you decide to move forward is up to you. If you feel that you want to save the marriage then i suggest some marriage counselling to work through each others issues.

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You need to make an appointment asap with a therapist privately and confidentially to sort through this. Remember this is the tip of the iceberg and only what you came across and uncovered. He did not volunteer this info. His proclivities and extracurricular activities are not your fault. Anyone paying any type of sex worker is a drain financially and a risk to your health.

 

You also need to check all your (and his) financials, credit cards, bank accounts, etc and look for unexplained cash withdrawals, purchases, etc. He has been lying by omission for who knows how long, so of course he'll lie when confronted.

I found emails (quite honestly, by accident) between my husband and a "dominatrix".

She mentioned the price would be $600.

he said he never planned on actually going through with it.

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Oh boy that's one harsh blow.

 

He was serious when he contacted her, he was going to go through with it, make no mistake about it.

 

He put not only your marriage at risk but your health too as god only knows what kinds of STDs that woman was crawling with.

 

What can you do now? You've got to be honest with yourself and ask yourself if it's possible to get over this. You also need to talk to him and see if he even wants to try to work things out.

 

If those 2 things are possible, then your only chance is marriage counselling. But it's going to be a rough road.

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Step 1: Decide if you can get over it and move forward. If so, proceed to step 2.

 

Step 2: No more porn. Full access to all his emails and various other accounts, etc. until you can build back your trust.

 

Step 3: A deep heart to heart discussion about why things got to this place and counseling for an outside perspective and advice.

 

Step 4: Have a backup plan and a source of income should things go south.

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Yes this is cheating and no it was not your fault.

 

A marriage takes two people to make it work and he is off in fantasy land. I would guess the amount of porn he watches has contributed to the lack of intimacy between you two.

 

This discovery may very well saved your marriage so look at it as a good thing.

 

There are some questions you need to ask yourself and then ask him.

 

1. Do you want to divorce?

2. Do you want to work on the marriage with a professional counselor. Money should not be a limiting factor as divorce is way more expensive, besides he was willing to drop $600 to have some woman treat him like crap.

3. Were things ever good between you two? Was this a marriage of convenience? Necessity? (pregnancy)

4. Are you willing to be totally open and honest about your feelings (good or bad) without fear of starting a fight?

 

Remember these questions are for both of you. Once the answers start flowing you can decide what you want to do.

 

I know you feel sick, can't sleep, don't feel like eating and are scared about the future. This is all perfectly normal and many of us have been where you are. There is a way out of where you are right now and you and the kids will be okay no matter what happens.

 

He should be apologetic, remorseful and willing to do anything to save the marriage and rebuild the trust that has been broken. If he is not and tries to shift blame, make it out like it was nothing and pretend like everything is okay then you have a bigger problem.

 

Keep posting, take a breath and don't do anything or agree to anything until you have all your options figured out and you are in a place of strength so you can stand up for yourself.

 

Lost

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Step 1: Decide if you can get over it and move forward. If so, proceed to step 2.

 

Step 2: No more porn. Full access to all his emails and various other accounts, etc. until you can build back your trust.

 

Step 3: A deep heart to heart discussion about why things got to this place and counseling for an outside perspective and advice.

 

Step 4: Have a backup plan and a source of income should things go south.

 

I agree but even though I have issue with the porn industry for several reasons, I personally don't consider watching porn sometimes problematic nor cheating. But hiring a sex professional is, even if he hasn't done anything with her yet.

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Thank you everyone. I feel so confused, it is terrible. Our marriage has not been great since the kids were born. We are more friends than anything right now. We have a lot of fun, but there is really no intimacy, which I seem to keep blaming myself for... making me think this is all actually my fault.

 

Well, it takes two people to keep a relationship together and neither of you have been working to improve the sexual and emotional intimacy I suspect you shared before the kids and life in general got in the way.

 

It would appear that your hubby is looking to be dominated so he has a private kink that he was most likely embarrassed to bring up to you. Perhaps? Perhaps not? Only he knows for sure but his choice would point towards that conclusion.

 

If you want to keep this marriage together then I really stress that you get yourselves to a marriage counselor to help you get through this and to get you back to Husband and Wife mode instead of just Mommy and Daddy mode. If there is no other indication in his internet activity that he's actually pursued this sort of thing and he's never been acting shady then I'd trust that he's not been indulging in it but you still should get help to get your marriage back on track.

 

Good luck, I hope you don't just think you can get past this on your own. Odds are you will never get back that emotional/intimate connection on your own.

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He is cheating. This was much more than watching and curiosity. He actually contacted her and started to make concrete plans. He just happened to get caught and so of course, he will claim that he wasn't serious. No cheater is ever going to admit to cheating.

 

I think you need to face that it is exactly what it looks like. Did you even know he was into that sort of stuff? This might be a good time for the two of you to have that all cards on the table kind of conversation. What is the state of your marriage. What is going on with your sex life. What is going on with him and what he is actually into.

 

Please don't ever blame yourself for these things. Understand that a huge part of cheating IS the deception, the hiding, the adrenaline rush and the power trip they get out of it. You can be the most perfect wife in the world, you can have a perfect marriage and that a certain type of personality will still cheat. In fact, vast majority of cheating cases, the cheater is actually happy with their spouse or SO. It's not about what they aren't getting at home, it's about the deception itself that they get off on.

 

Your husband seems to have a secret life and interests, to put it politely, that you didn't know about until now. Talk, get info, then decide where to from here. Give yourself time to process as well.

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I don't think anyone ever thinks this would happen to them. The very first step is acceptance that yes it did happen, yes he is not the man you thought he was and yes this is about as real as it gets.

 

I caught my now ex wife after 20 years together, it take a while to wrap your head around the betrayal but you do need to get there before you decide anything.

 

Take good care of yourself

 

Lost

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I feel you should believe he was skeptical about doing it but it's something he's interested in doing but scared to talk to you about it.

In a marriage we are suppose to be open and communicate often but that's not always the case. Maybe your husband feels you would judge him for liking that type of stuff so would never bring it up to you.

 

My Advice

Role play. Read up on it, book a hotel room and tell your husband you want to be his dominatrix for the night.

Please each other

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That's horrible it is cheating. He contacted her with the intention to have sex with her. He's only saying he wouldn't have gone through with it cause you caught him before he could go through with it & you best believe he would have. Even if he didn't end up meeting her, somewhere down the line, he would have cheated on you with someone else. He probably just told her he has to think about it cause it cost £600. Trust me honey he's only sorry about it because he got caught. This is a tough situation because you and him have children together and have been married for a long time, so it's no one's place to tell you to leave him, but you should really think about how you feel about him after this. Do YOU think you can look at him and spend the rest of your life with him after knowing what he's capable of. If you do decide to give him a chance It's going to be extremely hard but I think you really need to sit and without getting mad, have a rational and calm conversation with him. Ask him what he was thinking and why he wants to have sex with other women. Ask him how he would feel if you betrayed his trust like this. After talking to him, you'll get your answer on whether you think he still loves you & whether he wants to try to work on the marriage or not. Honey you honestly don't deserve to be second best EVER, so if you don't feel loved, as hard as it may be, you need to move on. This life is so short and you deserve to be happy and loved. It may be hard at first but in time you'll slowly recover from the heartbreak. Goodluck sweetie, I hope you do what makes YOU happiest.

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