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Boyfriend grieving but not sure what to do?

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I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years. We have lived together for 4 1/2 years. His twin brother died in an accident from a drunk driver right before Christmas 2018. My boyfriends family is just crap. They don't help him at all, telling him they wished he would have died instead of the brother, etc. My boyfriend was pushing me away and making me feel really crappy about things until I told him I was grieving too and that his treatment wasn't right. My boyfriend is finally starting come out of the depression and funk that was caused by this death. Putting his brother's belongings away and kind of starting to move past this. The issue I am having is knowing what to do next. Even before his brother's death, he wouldn't (and still won't) sleep with me in the same bed because he says my snoring is too loud and my bed sits too high off the ground. We also haven't had sex in a longgggg time. He says he has low sex drive. We have had some issues in the past, like him talking to girl "friends" that I didn't know about, and I have been able to move past them but its going on 5 years and nothing has gotten better. Lately I feel like I have been doing everything. Paying all the bills, taking care of the house and the dog. The dog is mine and I got him before I got together with my boyfriend, so that part I don't mind but I get little to no help with anything else. I have talked to my boyfriend about marriage and he as for it for a little bit and has since changed his tune that he doesn't think marriage is that important, even though it is important to me. I guess what it comes down to is I feel like he is just comfortable in the relationship and not willing to put anymore work into it. I don't want to be that horrible person who breaks up with someone after a really bad death and I had a time table in my head before his brother died that if nothing changed, that I would need to move on. With his brother's death though, I feel like everything has been pushed back and I don't want to be like his family, who has basically abandoned him. I'm not sure what to do so some advice would be wonderful! TYIA

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  • 4 weeks later...

Sorry, if his twin brother just died -- do the heavy lifting for awhile - pay the bills )obviously he should financially contribute to bills but be the person who sits down and gets them written out), take care of the house, take care of the dog. My grandma was a twin, my sister's husband is a twin. Losing your twin is way more impactful than losing another sibling. This man is in deep grief. It has not even been 5 months. Encourage grief counseling. It is okay that he is not talking about marriage -- he doesn't have anything to give anyone right now. Go out and do things with your girlfriends. At a certrain point, decide whether you want to stay or go but if you were already married and his brother died, what would you do here? Leave him?


I would give it more time, don't expect much from him as far as thinking about marriage right now. If things are the same on the first anniversary of his brother's death - then you should certainly leave - but understand this is a huge loss on top of his parents basically telling him he is worthless because they are in mourning, too. He doesn't have much to give right now.


They say after a huge loss -- don't make any radical changes for a year. That's what i would do.

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Sorry to hear this. This isn't about the death of his brother/grieving. The relationship has been over for quite a while and he has wanted to move out for quite a while. Unfortunately you are incompatible on many levels. There really is no "good time" to break up. And it's long overdue, even way before the death of his brother.



We got in a blow out July 2nd. It got so bad at one point he left and I thought that was the end of everything. I got upset at my boyfriend for constantly being on the phone with this girl. I got home yesterday and he told me that he wants to move out

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