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Cancelled Date, bother reaching back out?


memyselfnpie
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Good plan.

 

The apps are only enjoyable if you're basically as cool with being blown off back to back (and back to back to back) as you are with, say, having a fun chat over wine, a brief hot fling, whatever. It's all kind of the same.

 

You want to save the real feelings—the real highs and real lows—for the part where you've actually started to connect and share time and space with someone. Which is very rare, and why it's critical to always have things (friends, family, hobbies, work, etc.) that sate and tickle those real feelings so we're not eager for the people we swipe through to meet that need.

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Good plan.

 

The apps are only enjoyable if you're basically as cool with being blown off back to back (and back to back to back) as you are with, say, having a fun chat over wine, a brief hot fling, whatever. It's all kind of the same.

 

You want to save the real feelings—the real highs and real lows—for the part where you've actually started to connect and share time and space with someone. Which is very rare, and why it's critical to always have things (friends, family, hobbies, work, etc.) that sate and tickle those real feelings so we're not eager for the people we swipe through to meet that need.

 

It's just nice to branch out and meet new people with new views and thoughts and have experiences with them. I guess I was wrong to assume people on apps were as open to that haha

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I understand that things happen and no one owes me their time, and there's more baggage to my feelings about this than I'm willing to put on this app (that's for my therapist and I), but I was just simply looking for some back up on here — not a whole dragging. Thanks for making me feel good — not

 

"Dragging" is hardly my intention, and apologies if my words struck that way. If anything, I'm going for the the opposite.

 

You're awesome, you're a catch—know that. Someone flaking doesn't change that. Let these moments roll off awesome you and the thing you want—connection—will be more accessible.

 

Speaking only from my own experience, some of my most mediocre dates have come from people who didn't flake: quick match, brief chat, a meet up, an hourlong dud. Some of my best dates, meanwhile, required a little patience and a thick skin to make happen. She was busy, I was busy. Thursday turned to next Tuesday; next Tuesday turned to a few days of silence; then came a hello on Sunday, a plan that stuck, a prelude to some real IRL fun.

 

Just my few cents.

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"Dragging" is hardly my intention, and apologies if my words struck that way. If anything, I'm going for the the opposite.

 

You're awesome, you're a catch—know that. Someone flaking doesn't change that. Let these moments roll off awesome you and the thing you want—connection—will be more accessible.

 

Speaking only from my own experience, some of my most mediocre dates have come from people who didn't flake: quick match, brief chat, a meet up, an hourlong dud. Some of my best dates, meanwhile, required a little patience and a thick skin to make happen. She was busy, I was busy. Thursday turned to next Tuesday; next Tuesday turned to a few days of silence; then came a hello on Sunday, a plan that stuck, a prelude to some real IRL fun.

 

Just my few cents.

 

Well, right. My friend had said those are just the quirks of dating, which is why I was feeling (four days after the fact), should I reach back out? Cause I had acknowledged that I had been abrasive.

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Well, right. My friend had said those are just the quirks of dating, which is why I was feeling (four days after the fact), should I reach back out? Cause I had acknowledged that I had been abrasive.

 

There's no wrong or right way, in my opinion.

 

Look, if she thought, based on your app exchanges, that you were the coolest, hottest man on the planet—the man of her dreams, her potential Mr. Everything—she'd be letting you know that by reaching out to you.

 

Which, alas, she is not. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

 

Still, in your shoes, if for whatever reason I was still intrigued, I'd have no problem shooting over a little hey, hope you're feeling better, what's your schedule look like note in another few days. Maybe that re-piques some interest on her part, or maybe her life is a little less cluttered and foggy. Or maybe not. You just have to not care too much if it doesn't go the way you want it to.

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It's possible she's testing you to determine how stable you are or how psycho you are.

 

Or bitter, jaded.

 

When I was very young and immature I used to do this (not proud to admit). My friends did too.

 

I would cancel a date and gauge his response.

 

If he got his knickers all in a knot (like you're doing) then I dodged a huge bullet.

 

If he was gracious, and didn't make a huge deal about it, asked me out again, then he's a keeper.

 

You gotta understand, for women, and I'm sure men too, there are so many ego-driven, bitter, jaded, unstable, and flat out psycho people out there, ya gotta be really careful.

 

Many men have become so unhinged when I either turned them down or cancelled (with a legit excuse) sometimes (not always) I would employ the test.

 

Again, not proud to admit but it happens, especially on line.

 

Because while yes there are flakes, there are also ALOT of whackos out there who are so bitter and jaded, you'd think canceling a meet/date was akin to committing a federal crime or something.

Edited by katrina1980
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First of all, to come at me like this when you don't even know my story and my traumas is a bit ABRASIVE. I was just looking for some back up here. I sometimes struggle with being intimate with people and don't want to come across as "not taking a hint" and that's why I reached out on here. Because I do understand that sometimes I miss some social cues from people and don't communicate well. Also, don't try to assume my gender — I'm a girl. It's she/her/her

 

This is a perfect example of your aggressive, abrasive and hostile attitude. You didn't provide any particulars or info about your issues in your post and we are not mind readers. Your post was angry and accusing, not to mention assuming. Maybe try cutting people some slack once in a while.

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This is a perfect example of your aggressive, abrasive and hostile attitude. You didn't provide any particulars or info about your issues in your post and we are not mind readers. Your post was angry and accusing, not to mention assuming. Maybe try cutting people some slack once in a while.

 

Yeah agree Ray, wihich lends credence to my last post. I think maybe SHE dodged a bullet.

 

BTW, in early stages, men played their own tests on me too.

 

Let's not pretend this doesn't happen, it does.

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This is a perfect example of your aggressive, abrasive and hostile attitude. You didn't provide any particulars or info about your issues in your post and we are not mind readers. Your post was angry and accusing, not to mention assuming. Maybe try cutting people some slack once in a while.

 

You know, you're right. I'm so hostile and abrasive because deep down I don't want to connect with people because people have hurt me. Every since I was young, people have abused me and my trust/innocence. So yeah, maybe I act this way because I don't want to and I don't like being hurt/vulnerable. My god. You should be my therapist! I'm done conversing with you and I'm not going to attempt to provide "the full picture" on here because quite frankly I don't owe you that.

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It's possible she's testing you to determine how stable you are or how psycho you are.

 

Or bitter, jaded.

 

When I was very young and immature I used to do this (not proud to admit). My friends did too.

 

I would cancel a date and gauge his response.

 

If he got his knickers all in a knot (like you're doing) then I dodged a huge bullet.

 

If he was gracious, and didn't make a huge deal about it, asked me out again, then he's a keeper.

 

You gotta understand, for women, and I'm sure men too, there are so many ego-driven, bitter, jaded, unstable, and flat out psycho people out there, ya gotta be really careful.

 

Many men have become so unhinged when I either turned them down or cancelled (with a legit excuse) sometimes (not always) I would employ the test.

 

Again, not proud to admit but it happens, especially on line.

 

Because while yes there are flakes, there are also ALOT of whackos out there who are so bitter and jaded, you'd think canceling a meet/date was akin to committing a federal crime or something.

 

There's no argument with this here. But I have this feeling where it's like, You think you hurt me by blowing me off? Well, no because I didn't want you anyway, but low-key I did lol it's a defense mechanism of sorts. And at the first sign of trouble, I just close myself off because it's like, I don't want to go down that path again. And this frustration also stems from still being entangled in an ex (it's a situation with a lot of layers that I'll spare). I just so badly want to move on to be able to forget her. And it's like, why is the universe like "nope. All paths just lead to you thinking about her again."

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You know, you're right. I'm so hostile and abrasive because deep down I don't want to connect with people because people have hurt me. Every since I was young, people have abused me and my trust/innocence. So yeah, maybe I act this way because I don't want to and I don't like being hurt/vulnerable. My god. You should be my therapist! I'm done conversing with you and I'm not going to attempt to provide "the full picture" on here because quite frankly I don't owe you that.

 

Look, nobody is out to attack you. The thing you have to see is that you asked for advice and you don’t always hear what you want to hear... but you should still be gracious enough to accept other people’s perception of a situation.

 

I personally think your text sounded a little on the aggressive side (and you admitted as much) but you have to realise, unless it’s proven otherwise, you should be giving people the benefit of the doubt if they have to cancel. Don’t let bad past experiences affect how you treat the next person - they aren’t connected and you should always keep that in mind - Cancelling once is fine. Cancelling twice is time to move on.

 

Think of it this way, it’s a first date - a first impression. Would you want to turn up to a first meet at anything less than 100%? I wouldn’t.

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There's no argument with this here. But I have this feeling where it's like, You think you hurt me by blowing me off? Well, no because I didn't want you anyway, but low-key I did lol it's a defense mechanism of sorts. And at the first sign of trouble, I just close myself off because it's like, I don't want to go down that path again. And this frustration also stems from still being entangled in an ex (it's a situation with a lot of layers that I'll spare). I just so badly want to move on to be able to forget her. And it's like, why is the universe like "nope. All paths just lead to you thinking about her again."

 

In my opinion, you don’t sound ready to date again. You should be free of any feelings about your past relationships before stepping back out there. It can be unforgiving and you need a thicker skin - as I’m finding out myself and I was completely over my ex of 16yrs.

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There's no argument with this here. But I have this feeling where it's like, You think you hurt me by blowing me off? Well, no because I didn't want you anyway, but low-key I did lol it's a defense mechanism of sorts. And at the first sign of trouble, I just close myself off because it's like, I don't want to go down that path again. And this frustration also stems from still being entangled in an ex (it's a situation with a lot of layers that I'll spare). I just so badly want to move on to be able to forget her. And it's like, why is the universe like "nope. All paths just lead to you thinking about her again."

 

Ah, some more layers are exposed.

 

So basically you are frustrated with this woman in particular and dating in general because she/dating is not untangling you from your ex, setting you off on the sweet road to moving on.

 

Well, as long as you outsource that work to new women and apps you're likely to stay in this loop.

 

Sounds like it's just time to give yourself some space to continue processing your last relationship, to do that hard but needed untangling on your own. Do that—and you can do it—and you'll be free and open.

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There's no argument with this here. But I have this feeling where it's like, You think you hurt me by blowing me off? Well, no because I didn't want you anyway, but low-key I did lol it's a defense mechanism of sorts. And at the first sign of trouble, I just close myself off because it's like, I don't want to go down that path again. And this frustration also stems from still being entangled in an ex (it's a situation with a lot of layers that I'll spare). I just so badly want to move on to be able to forget her. And it's like, why is the universe like "nope. All paths just lead to you thinking about her again."

 

I'm so sorry memyself - maybe this isn't the best time to be dating?

 

How about spending some time alone and emotionally extricating yourself from your ex? Are you in therapy? I am!

 

You're hurting, and that's the worst time to be dating. Every little mis-step (like a woman canceling a date) is blown up and magnified to unrealistic proportions which only increases your fears, pain, and bitterness.

 

Just a thought, and please feel better.

 

I am sorry it seems like we're attacking, now that we have the full picture, what you're feeling is understandable imo.

 

Best.

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I'm so sorry memyself - maybe this isn't the best time to be dating?

 

How about spending some time alone and emotionally extricating yourself from your ex? Are you in therapy? I am!

 

You're hurting, and that's the worst time to be dating. Every little mis-step (like a woman canceling a date) is blown up and magnified to unrealistic proportions which only increases your fears, pain, and bitterness.

 

Just a thought, and please feel better.

 

I am sorry it seems like we're attacking, now that we have the full picture, what you're feeling is understandable imo.

 

Best.

 

Yeah, I'm in therapy. And I told her about this situation, but you know it's not a life coach so I came on here for that hahaha for a while, I acted like the way we ended things didn't phase me, but it does. And my therapist said that I need to lean in to the sadness because I'm still in this angry phase. It's just hard when there's really no closure. Blah

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Good advice from the therapist.

 

Much as we want closure to come from the person, it never really happens that way. It comes from within, one of those awful but true aphorisms, and something we get by leaning into that sadness, letting it pass through us, and realizing that we are resilient enough to handle it and come out on the other side.

 

Been in your shoes plenty, as have most. There is a certain power that comes from holding onto anger, but it's a false power and one that, ultimately, keep us from moving forward, opening up again.

 

Best of luck with the process. It's a tough one, but a needed one.

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Yeah, I'm in therapy. And I told her about this situation, but you know it's not a life coach so I came on here for that hahaha for a while, I acted like the way we ended things didn't phase me, but it does. And my therapist said that I need to lean in to the sadness because I'm still in this angry phase. It's just hard when there's really no closure. Blah

 

Agree with your therapist! Don't try to block the pain -- feel it, embrace it, no matter how angry, sad, or painful that is.

 

Let all that pain rise to the surface to be released.

 

If you attempt to suppress the anger and pain by denying and/or dating, it will continue to fester within making the healing process more difficult.

 

Do you run? That was a good release for me.

 

Or go punch a punching bag.

 

Write your ex a letter expressing all your feelings but DON'T send!! Just writing it out helps!!

 

Anyway, again I'm sorry you're hurting.

 

Hugs

Edited by katrina1980
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Agree with your therapist! Don't try to block the pain -- feel it, embrace it, no matter how angry, sad, or painful that is.

 

Let all that pain rise to the surface to be released.

 

If you attempt to suppress the anger and pain by denying and/or dating or, it will continue to fester within making the healing process more difficult.

 

Do you run? That was a good release for me.

 

Or go punch a punching bag.

 

Write your ex a letter expressing all your feelings but DON'T send!! Judt writing it out helps!!

 

Anyway, again I'm sorry you're hurting.

 

Hugs

 

Yup, yup. Got back into exercise. I did write a letter! And it helped, it really did.

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I only think she blew you off because she didn't make a counter-offer or alternate suggestion to meet the following week. She just said she was really really sorry. It could be just a reflection of her (not being used to planning dates at all or lack of social graces??) or she perhaps had a better offer come along (another guy she was speaking to at the same time who asked her out also or she's planning to meet or see again).

 

It's really anyone's guess at this point and best not to overanalyze. I remember what this was like while dating. If you find yourself getting irritable, take a step back and put the dating on hold for awhile. Take a two week hiatus and just enjoy your interests and hobbies. Come back to it when you're feeling better.

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Reading this whole thread it sounds like it was less about this one incident and more about your past.

 

I agree you need to step back from dating. You may not have been sure if you were ready to jump back in and now you know. Give yourself some time to get into a better place and then try again.

 

Online dating will test even the most well prepared so don't beat yourself up.

 

Lost

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You know, you're right. I'm so hostile and abrasive because deep down I don't want to connect with people because people have hurt me. Every since I was young, people have abused me and my trust/innocence. So yeah, maybe I act this way because I don't want to and I don't like being hurt/vulnerable. My god. You should be my therapist! I'm done conversing with you and I'm not going to attempt to provide "the full picture" on here because quite frankly I don't owe you that.

 

Honestly I'm not trying to be mean, I just say what I see (I'm like that lol). I don't mean any disrespect. I really do hope things work out for you and you meet someone genuine soon :)

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