Jump to content

Cancelled Date, bother reaching back out?


Recommended Posts

Dating is the worst. So many flakes that it's hard to pick out when people are being honest so I need some impartial views. Here's the situation.

 

Had a date Thursday. I texted her the day before (Wednesday) letting her know I was looking forward to meeting up. She responds 3 hours later saying "Hey I'm so sorry I'm just getting back to you. My roommate went to the doctor Friday and found out she has the flu. I started feeling ty yesterday afternoon and it hasn't gotten better so I probably should take it easy tomorrow because I've been working the last 8 days. I'm really really sorry." I was pissed off in the moment because so many flakes so I just responded "Get well soon!" lol So should I bother reaching back out or was she legit blowing me off? Here's why I feel that she was blowing me off: 1. Why didn't she text me at all Wednesday to say, "Hey, I'm not feeling too well." Like, had I not reached out, would she have cancelled 2 hours before or worse not even shown up?? 2. She didn't offer a "Let's do next week" or a "Once I'm feeling better I'll reach out." BUT, maybe she would have led to that had I not been so abrasive in my response. What do you guys think? Should I reach out or was it a blow off?

 

Sigh.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'd leave it and if she contacts you then consider whether or not you're still wanting to bother with her.

 

I think it's a given that if someone cancels and doesn't reschedule that you just write them off as flakes. If she's interested she'll contact you.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree.

 

In future - it’s always a better “look” to be more gracious about it rather than abrupt (ie: “oh! I’m sorry to hear that. Of course! Get lots of rest, take care of yourself and let me know when you are feeling up to getting together»)... but ultimately, it’s on her to reschedule and/or initiate now.

 

«My roommate is sick - and I’m not actually sick - but I could maybe sorta possibly be sick» is a pretty weak excuse. To be perfectly honest, i think this one is done... but hey... you never know.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I can think of times in my life, that at the last minute I don't feel well and either cancelled or wanted to.

If I had cancelled, much like your friend, I'd sure as heck be reaching out to you to lock down another date. That's IF I was interested.

 

If she's not interested, she'll let this fade.

If she is, you'll be hearing from her.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well I spent last week sick with some bug or other and my mental state was not up to par, so I could have given an incomplete text to someone because of that. I'd hate to think someone wrote me off because I was sick. You know if you believe her or not, so act accordingly.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree that she could have done a much better job in communicating. True she may have been feeling a bit under the weather, so to me, this is a gray area, with most of me leaning towards "NEXT".

 

If I were you, I'd move on and look for another person to date, but if she reaches out, be receptive, at least initially.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Don't chase after her.

 

Either she really had the flu, and getting your text prompted her to make a decision, or it was an excuse and getting your texted prompted her to bail out for some other reason. Maybe both things.

 

Either way, if she is interested she will get back to you. Not sure which is true really, but you may as well give her the benefit of the doubt if she contacts you again.

 

If she does, and you still want to meet her, you need to set up a new date as part of the communication she initiates.

 

If she won't set one up, or she does but then bails out again, I'd leave it alone.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It was an excuse and a very bad one at that - they always are. Now that said, if this always happens to you and it sounds like it does, you need to chill out with the texting because it sounds like you're talking them right out of liking you after the initial mutual attraction.

Link to post
Share on other sites
She blew u off.

 

Well yes probably (and @ManyDates) but if she has a rethink and comes back around, OP should give her one mulligan.

 

If she doesn't, or does and then bails again, I agree, throw the anchor in her life boat.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I agree.

 

In future - it’s always a better “look” to be more gracious about it rather than abrupt (ie: “oh! I’m sorry to hear that. Of course! Get lots of rest, take care of yourself and let me know when you are feeling up to getting together»)... but ultimately, it’s on her to reschedule and/or initiate now.

 

«My roommate is sick - and I’m not actually sick - but I could maybe sorta possibly be sick» is a pretty weak excuse. To be perfectly honest, i think this one is done... but hey... you never know.

 

Yeah, yeah. I know it's a better look, but I just can't with people with this horrible blow offs. It's like, how dumb do you think I am? It gets down-right insulting to a point.

Link to post
Share on other sites
It was an excuse and a very bad one at that - they always are. Now that said, if this always happens to you and it sounds like it does, you need to chill out with the texting because it sounds like you're talking them right out of liking you after the initial mutual attraction.

 

We exchanged a few messages before I asked her out. And then I maybe texted her once after that. And then the "looking forward" text. Because I hate texting a bunch before we actually meet. Let's save the convos for in-person. That's my motto.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Well yes probably (and @ManyDates) but if she has a rethink and comes back around, OP should give her one mulligan.

 

If she doesn't, or does and then bails again, I agree, throw the anchor in her life boat.

 

Hahaha! Yeah, throwing it in! I've had people cancel before and actually make an effort to reschedule and we did meet up, and that's why I just trusted my gut on this (that she was blowing me off), but I'm glad to have some outside opinions. Because my friends, like me, can be cold sometimes and are like " her."

Link to post
Share on other sites

Good motto, and always a bummer when people bail.

 

That said, I'd consider taking a little break from the apps to cool off, chill out, and be able to explore the ups and downs of dating without so much knee-jerk negativity.

 

Your tone is awfully hostile: "horrible blow offs," "how dumb do you think I am," and so on. Wasn't an ideal situation, no doubt, but I can't help but feel you're judging her through past experiences. If you're this quick to get this disappointed you're likely going to be bringing that energy into dates that aren't canceled. And, well, when you bring a dating-sucks mentality to dating it doesn't tend impress dates.

 

In my experience it all comes in waves. Sometimes you have a good stretch: quick matches leading to quick dates that are all, if not mind-blowing, decent and chill and occasionally spicy in all the right ways. That gets you optimistic, light-footed, so you care less when a few things don't work out: so-so dates, flakiness, whatever. Then there are the bad stretches, which can leave a sour taste—so you take a break or make sure you've got some other things going on in your life that bring joy so there's not so much pressure on dating to be the solution.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Dating is the worst. So many flakes that it's hard to pick out when people are being honest so I need some impartial views. Here's the situation.

 

Had a date Thursday. I texted her the day before (Wednesday) letting her know I was looking forward to meeting up. She responds 3 hours later saying "Hey I'm so sorry I'm just getting back to you. My roommate went to the doctor Friday and found out she has the flu. I started feeling ty yesterday afternoon and it hasn't gotten better so I probably should take it easy tomorrow because I've been working the last 8 days. I'm really really sorry." I was pissed off in the moment because so many flakes so I just responded "Get well soon!" lol So should I bother reaching back out or was she legit blowing me off? Here's why I feel that she was blowing me off: 1. Why didn't she text me at all Wednesday to say, "Hey, I'm not feeling too well." Like, had I not reached out, would she have cancelled 2 hours before or worse not even shown up?? 2. She didn't offer a "Let's do next week" or a "Once I'm feeling better I'll reach out." BUT, maybe she would have led to that had I not been so abrasive in my response. What do you guys think? Should I reach out or was it a blow off?

 

Sigh.

 

Firstly, you have an awful abrasive attitude. Quite aggressive in fact. Secondly, she was very likely waiting to see how she felt. She was probably feeling a little ropey but hoped it would subside but it didn't. Did it ever occur to you that some people don't have their phones glued to their hand 24/7? She took a couple hours to respond because, as she explained, she was working 8 hour shifts (probably not allowed to use her phone at work).

Link to post
Share on other sites
It was an excuse and a very bad one at that - they always are. Now that said, if this always happens to you and it sounds like it does, you need to chill out with the texting because it sounds like you're talking them right out of liking you after the initial mutual attraction.

 

I don't think it's the texting. He appears to have a rather aggressive hostile attitude which they may pick up on so they bail.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Firstly, you have an awful abrasive attitude. Quite aggressive in fact. Secondly, she was very likely waiting to see how she felt. She was probably feeling a little ropey but hoped it would subside but it didn't. Did it ever occur to you that some people don't have their phones glued to their hand 24/7? She took a couple hours to respond because, as she explained, she was working 8 hour shifts (probably not allowed to use her phone at work).

 

Exactly what I was saying.

 

Not to harp on it, but I see it a lot on this forum, the extraordinarily high expectations of strangers and a venomous attitude when they fall short. Generally speaking, it's a really good skill to be able to allow others a margin of error—room to be, you know, human. Not only does it make dating easier, but it makes the thing most of us date to find—an actual relationship—easier too.

 

Some of my best dates—including with the person I've been seeing for a bit—came about after a few cancelations. Life being life, people being people. The quicker you are to close off and get bitter, the lower your odds for connecting.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Good motto, and always a bummer when people bail.

 

That said, I'd consider taking a little break from the apps to cool off, chill out, and be able to explore the ups and downs of dating without so much knee-jerk negativity.

 

 

Yes, I deleted the two apps I was on. And I'm just gonna chill and just appreciate my time with friends and family. I already was hesitant getting back into apps because I despised the inauthenticity/overall flakiness, but this year I was struggling to find people out in the real world (or Instagram lol) so I went back. And I redownloaded them and was blown off back to back. So blah

Link to post
Share on other sites
Firstly, you have an awful abrasive attitude. Quite aggressive in fact. Secondly, she was very likely waiting to see how she felt. She was probably feeling a little ropey but hoped it would subside but it didn't. Did it ever occur to you that some people don't have their phones glued to their hand 24/7? She took a couple hours to respond because, as she explained, she was working 8 hour shifts (probably not allowed to use her phone at work).

 

First of all, to come at me like this when you don't even know my story and my traumas is a bit ABRASIVE. I was just looking for some back up here. I sometimes struggle with being intimate with people and don't want to come across as "not taking a hint" and that's why I reached out on here. Because I do understand that sometimes I miss some social cues from people and don't communicate well. Also, don't try to assume my gender — I'm a girl. It's she/her/her

Link to post
Share on other sites
Exactly what I was saying.

 

Not to harp on it, but I see it a lot on this forum, the extraordinarily high expectations of strangers and a venomous attitude when they fall short. Generally speaking, it's a really good skill to be able to allow others a margin of error—room to be, you know, human. Not only does it make dating easier, but it makes the thing most of us date to find—an actual relationship—easier too.

 

Some of my best dates—including with the person I've been seeing for a bit—came about after a few cancelations. Life being life, people being people. The quicker you are to close off and get bitter, the lower your odds for connecting.

 

I understand that things happen and no one owes me their time, and there's more baggage to my feelings about this than I'm willing to put on this app (that's for my therapist and I), but I was just simply looking for some back up on here — not a whole dragging. Thanks for making me feel good — not

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...